shopping in melrose
i point out to kilbey
in alvin aardvarks
a pair of anti-lopes
real 1960s anti-lopes
they wont be in my size kilbey says
his needle-nose pressed up against the glass
bullshit….i say …go on n try ’em
kilbey just stands there
visions of anti-lopes in his head
it was the” inne shoppe” canberra 1968
(is this where his fetish for adding the “e” came from?)
shopping in david jones with his mother
he wandered away from the haberdashery for a moment
down thru the record bar
down the mysterious back of this sprawling emporium
it was 68 n psychedelia had broken loose
gents clothes were sposed to be floral n colourful
paisley cravats n bright cor-du-roy
like you were percy shelley or someone
up the back is the inne shoppe
a few square feet of modern rags
as kilbey n i stand gawking from a distance
a cool dude comes in the back doors
he n his girlfriend leave the royal blue skies
n the pine trees all behind
as they walk towards the inne shoppe
oh wow! kilbey whispers
what..? i say
shhhhh! he says its ronnie haze
the best bass player in the a.c.t.
n his girlfriend
who is the saucy sister of a guy i knew once in dickson
anyhow
unless mick jagger himself had walked in…
hazey was the bees knees
long blond hair
blond sideburns
slim n impossibly groovy
tanned skin
a nehru jacket ….so tasteful
his black boots were just….right
his girlfriend was like him in negative
black hair pale skin
groovy outfit
she seemed devoted as she clung to him
oh my life would be complete if i was him
c’mon ..! i say
kilbey says ssssh!
ronnie haze is checking out the inne shoppes clothes
theres a guy working in there would scare anyone
immaculately dressed in double breasted pinstripe
a supercilious flouncing ninny
kilbey’d never dare go in a shoppe with a guy like that
i seen kilbey in action…he’s scared of shop assistants
he hates buying things
he cant decide
he n i get into arguments
me : they fit
him : they do not fit!
me : hold your stomach in
him : you hold yer tongue!
etc
anyway hazey walks right up to this ponce
can i help you sir? says the ponce with a smirk
hazey says
have you got any zigger jackets?
the guy frowns n shakes his head
hazey says
have you got any anti-lopes?
the guy starts to mumble something
shaking his head
hazey gestures around the guys shop
and lifts a shirt up off the rack
inspecting it
sniffing it
n suddenly replacing it
like it was the most disgusting object on earth
no zigger jackets or anti-lopes
yet you dare call this the “inne shoppe?”
hazey laughed a mirthless laugh
n he n the girlfriend swept out
like ambassadors leaving the table of negotiation
from then on in
both kilbey n i were anxious to secure
a pair of anti-lopes
they had proven elusive
we were beginning on our evolution thru jeans
amco
leisuremasters
levi-strauss
lee
lee coopers
wranglers
bear-cats
but
somewhere out there
was a pair of anti-lopes with sks name on em
finally
that day had come
but he couldnt stand it
luckily being much the same size as him
he was 32 in those days..
i went in n tried the bloody anti-lopes on
kilbey stood outside gesticulating thru the glass
oh wow they fitted perfect, lee
not too tight
not too baggy
buy em! he was outside saying
ok ! OK!
later on kilbey gets busted for jay-walking
the sign says dont walk but kilbey walks
c’mon he says
dont walk here on a red sign i say
impatiently he snorts n steps out into the traffic
cars start stopping all over the place
horns start honking
and a policeman cruises up on his bike
n busts kilbey red-footed
sir, let me see some id
kilbeys got no idea let alone id
sir i’ll have to take you in until i can determine who you are
kilbey starts laying on the aussie accent
oh…youre from downunder? says the quite frankly dopey copper
i have a sister in crows nest, nsw says the copper
his eyes are a little misty
i havent seen her for ..what..2 years this christmas
kilbey waxes eloquent on the joys of crows nest
a lovely suburb.. he drawls so honest n harmless
the cop n kilbey chat about crows nest for a while
every now n then kilbey rolls his eyes in my direction
eventually the cop says
look sir
i’m not going to take you down the station today
but jay walking is an offence in california
and please pay this ticket..
he gave him a ticket for 10 dollars
oh yes i will !said kilbey pathetically subservient
(and he did! …what a rebel…?!)
anyway
a load more things happened that afternoon
but jesus
my rsi is killing me today
so this is the short story
after a series of hilarious misadventures
the anti-lopes got locked in the boot (trunk)
of a hire car
that got dropped off somewhere
before their absence had been detected
kilbey n i blamed each other
most people (who were interested) believed me
the anti-lopes were never seen again
he never even tried em on
but he never paid me for em neither
so fair sfair i guess
oh god they were lovely tho
i know kilbey still thinks of em
on a misty night in the purple gloaming
(cue david neils ” alberta”
alberta , give me some more time
i cant see how i could have been so blind
and tomorrows faraway
jes’ like yessaday
alberta, please gimme some more time”