posted on December 8, 2008 at 7:26 pm

you know i could be happy
if that damned shark hadnt bitten off my leg
if that bloody snake hadnt poisoned me
if that eternal revenue hadnt repossessed my son
if that bastard hadnt stolen all my songs n
repaid me by burning me at the stake
if i hadnt been braised by a toothy beardless wag
if i listened
if i watched
if i’d applied myself more at school
headmaster : why dont you apply yourself, boy
kilbey : with what applicator , sir?
headmaster : youre green and wet behind the ears, lad
kilbey : am i a pleasie-o-saw, sir?
headmaster : are you a half-wit, boy?
kilbey : no sir, i’m a full one
headmaster : you need the cane, lad
kilbey : yessir! research has shown painful impact
on the fingers including burst blood vessels n bruising
can improve cognitive function and neural response time!
headmaster : hold your hand up,BOY!
hold your hand up, BOY!
hold your hand high!
kilbey picks up his aria violin bass guitar
and el kabongs the principal (on principle)
the head weilds the cane like errol finn
hes quite a fencer
kilbey leaps about destroying the heads memorabilia
with mighty swathes of his guitar
smash go the old photos of the head as a boy
in his winning rowing team
smash go the trophies from eton
bash goes the photo of his porky grandson
the deputy rushes in with his cane
kilbey is now fighting off 2 senior teachers n the janitor
single handedly he manages to get the MC5 on the school p.a.
which must have been the 1st time most people had heard
the oedipal conjunctive
(this really happened at lyneham high, someone put
that record on the p.a….it played full blast
for about 1 n a half minutes
before it was switched off;
the perpetrators were expelled)
with my swinging bass
i liberated class after class
who burst hungrily from their classrooms
swarmed to the music room
and arming themselves with instruments
reeked havoc
kilbey kilbey kilbey! they all roared
i leaped up on the podium
in the ass-emblee room
and i boldly took the mike in the jim
or was it the jim in the mike
or was he on the tramp at the time
this is what i said
o children of a lezzy god
we are the fewcha
yes today we have won a small victory
(is this its taste?)
voice in crowd : no, that was half a vegemite roll…
kilbey : ah…but we must be alert
(we need more lerts)
(coughing…becoming serious, now)
i will lead you to the land of milkshakes n honeybuns
i am the teen mess higher
i am the nazgulrene
i am i am i am…
the crowd : are you?
kilbey : yes i am
as i stand here
with the flower of the education department vanquished at our feet
amidst the busted euphoniums n ruined bass drums
yes i am sent victorious noble and quite quite glorious
the sickroom is filled with our injured
we have seized the tuckshop
fryer tuck has been deposed
here…free half vegemite rolls for all
the teachers common room is awash in the tyrants tears
oh we have crushed babylon…!
the boys roared and stamped
the girls fainted and screamed
such was my personal empowerment on that day
(i said)
now i must go up onto mt ainslie
to talk to g.h. over
to obtain the deckalog
the tencom mangoes
alone i walked for many minutes
up up up into the cloudy heights
where no man had ever trod
past the scenic lookout
past the j.m. waddlespoon memorial picnic tables
past the dumping of rubbish strictly forbidden sign
(and all the rubbish under it)
past the carpark full of stationary bouncing panel vans
past the slippery when wet sign
(ritchie sambora shooting holes in it)
and up
the very
1,778 centimetres above see level
in the pines
(in the pines)
above the twee line
and i called out
show yourself
i must needs see your face
voice from heaven : hang on, hang on….!
sound of toilet flushing n kettle boiling
kilbey : god!
god : yes, my son
kilbey: no i was just saying god! cos a mozzie bit me
god : a moslem, my son? then dont blame me….
kilbey : why didJa make em?
god : no that was Al R. ……
kilbey : no…the mozzies….!
god : oh…uh….well it cant be all good, can it?
kilbey : do You love teenagers, God?
god : i am a teenager myself, my son
kilbey : then reveal Thyself…
god : you are not ready for My glory, sunshine
kilbey : c’mon….
suddenly the creator filled the sky with his visage
he was a handsome hip cat with a feather cut n skull earrings
he was smokin’ something n sloshing down orange juice
he had on a heavenly zigger jacquet
n real anti-lopes
he had a fender 7 string bass n a handpainted paisley strap
he had grown a nifty little beard that was slightly out on the left side
he had a few blackheads around his nostrils
his eyes were slightly bloodshot n dilated
he had a bit of a nasty cough
he had a trial subscription for a sunday newspaper
he had bits of lolly wrappers in his pockets
he couldnt remember his mothers phone number
what was it he was going to say….?

24 Responses to “ever endless spool of words”

  1. avatar
    Anonymous | 8 December 2008 at 9:30 pm #

    God that was funny!!{a “Wayne’s World”-“we’re not worthy!!!”,n a “Bill n Ted’s”-“air guitar” ,for salute,Cap’n Kilbey.}:D

  2. avatar
    Anonymous | 8 December 2008 at 10:24 pm #

    OK, so the boy band idea was not for you Kilbey. Here’s another, free of course. Buy something in an antique shop for 50 cents. Sell it on ebay for one thousand dollars. Repeat.

  3. avatar
    ticktockclarice | 8 December 2008 at 10:26 pm #

    Excellent blog today Kilbey. Go to the top of the class. A+++
    LMAO at “sound of toilet flushing and kettle boiling” I love it when that crusty ol’ bugger from the Old Testament gets demystified, like on Family Guy when he created the universe by lighting up his
    own fart.
    Good day to all, i’m off to check that God hasn’t stolen all the Mothers out of my fridge and a tenner out of my purse…

  4. avatar
    captain mission | 9 December 2008 at 12:30 am #

    yes skool has a lot to answer for.
    i recall playing that song ‘we don’t need no edukation’ to my teachers and all they wanted to do was hit me with a ruler. what was that all about?
    no liberators there unfortunately, except this chubby guy called george michael who was also ‘head boy’ ironically.
    i was always getting in trouble for wearing my pjs to skool instead of my uniform.

  5. avatar
    m.p.k | 9 December 2008 at 12:34 am #

    I just got my second copy of Painkiller unexpectedly, this one says if undelivered return to an address in Hong Kong. I only ordered one copy. I guess I get an extra dose and all for $3.50. Weird.

  6. avatar
    Bionaut | 9 December 2008 at 12:54 am #

    same thing happened to me, m.p.k.
    ordered 5 copies, got 10.
    total cost: $10.78!
    cd wow! indeed.

  7. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 December 2008 at 1:06 am #

    You guys must have got my copy.
    I ordered 1 but didn’t receive it.
    They refunded my $3.50 though.

  8. avatar
    EDD | 9 December 2008 at 1:15 am #

    Jesus , Kilbey whuteryoufillintheirheadswith?…..

  9. avatar
    EDD | 9 December 2008 at 1:20 am #

    I got a “Rogue” Violin bass. Looks like McCartney’s….

  10. avatar
    fozfan | 9 December 2008 at 2:28 am #

    as an occasional visitor here, i must say:
    Bloody lovely!
    loved it

    wish i could reek havoc

  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 December 2008 at 2:30 am #

    HH did a great deed.. I am now more aussie intriqued & amazed…now have painkiller,isodore, the other half of el mumento ect…sp…..guilt trip………many many others….powderfinger…….
    70 cds she sent me…
    steve I did turn the burner off
    but I couldn't remember her #
    but I wanted to say I'm back with all I gut…& I am hittin this time
    with truth…….and no more easy
    cuz it aint….& whatever it be..
    u know….I gots to bequothe thee…as u are as any….have not any huge rescue …uve walked low…uve fought uve made no pretense falsities…..ur self sharpenning thoughts effect
    alwayz I seem so dramatic w it all
    miracle ..
    that u touche so many.
    in a way that transcends individual …common spheres…..
    I've learned w ur blogs…..
    when I cry out……answer.
    its not asking
    when MEM sent u track
    sample b Raine j fredericks
    pkiller answered back.
    hope u know…..a new generation
    is on to u….

    well 3 w/goatees all stern…is he the one….
    SF. & peyote& MEM..Oliver Arms….;boys than…..Market st.the one that stretched over ocean beach…in a mist….

  12. avatar
    EDD | 9 December 2008 at 4:02 am #

    I’ll ask you again… Doesn’t Milky Way make you a residule? For such a big song it has to generate SOME revunue. It was the one of tha first things that caught my eye on 120 minnutes, MTV. C’mon SK, own up. I really love tha song but you gotta be makin some cheezz off it. I wanna know, you’re so “broke”.

  13. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 9 December 2008 at 10:07 am #

    what WAS it that the ol fella was gonna say??? hmmm, somethin’ along the lines of ‘let there be rock’ or something???
    love always….

  14. avatar
    bowie | 9 December 2008 at 11:24 am #

    he could have had a cadillac
    if the school had taught him right

  15. avatar
    verdelay | 9 December 2008 at 12:16 pm #

    Drowsing on the deck of a gaulos
    Somewhere deep in the Tyrrhenian sea
    The midday spring sun and wine drooping my eyelids
    Only the salt spray and creaking of the sail
    Keeps me from slumber

    Suddenly a cry, a panic amongst the crew
    Who fly to arms and before I can fully waken
    The men of Tyros are upon us
    And all I can smell is bronze
    On bronze

    Then blood
    And anguished cries from my countrymen
    Until they are silenced and returned
    To the Tyrrhenian sea
    And all is lost

    I feel a foot at my throat
    And in a language I barely comprehend
    I hear their question posed:
    Are you a poet?
    Or are you a merchant?

    They see my golden phorminx
    Do they want me to play?
    Or sell it to them?
    There’s a foot at my throat
    Why don’t they just take it?

    The question again:
    Poet or merchant?
    This time in my own language
    Their blades are drawn
    They crowd around for my answer

    The gaulos rocks on the Tyrrhenian tide
    Carries us north past Alalia
    And on to Massalia
    The strings of my phorminx gleam in the sun
    Like the thread upon which my life hangs

  16. avatar
    lily was here | 9 December 2008 at 1:22 pm #

    The transient God said: “Addition or deletion is permissible at the ends only, no random access or editing”. A male spool.

    Proof that God’s no woman? He must be plural. And no woman would leave such a mess 🙂


  17. avatar
    Freddie | 9 December 2008 at 1:42 pm #

    I love this stuff.
    I’m a little disappointed tho
    I thought God was a girl.

    ps: EDD, that’s not nice 🙂

  18. avatar
    Freddie | 9 December 2008 at 1:46 pm #


    Awesome poem!!

  19. avatar
    ScaughtFive | 9 December 2008 at 2:58 pm #

    “It can’t all be good, can it?”

    Huzzah, KllbE.

  20. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 December 2008 at 5:21 pm #

    ‘Nadja’ by Breton, though, Steven – would it make a good xmas present for a TTB reader?

  21. avatar
    steve kilbey | 9 December 2008 at 7:36 pm #

    nadja is a nice book

  22. avatar
    eek | 9 December 2008 at 7:53 pm #

    Ohh! Based on this blog you should become either a revolutionary or start your own religion/cult. While the revolutionary biz could certainly be exciting, the pay and living conditions are often not great. Plus there’s the little problem of very possibly ending up splattered all over the place. So I’d have to counsel you go for the start-your-own-religion/cult option. I mean you’re chatting with God — and he’s answering back! Go for it!!! Just make sure to get a nice set percentage of your followers’ incomes. It could make being a rock star seem like the minor leagues

  23. avatar
    knot | 9 December 2008 at 8:35 pm #

    Does God have a P.O. box? I mean, where I am I supposed to mail my carefully laundered money off to, Brother?

  24. avatar
    eek | 9 December 2008 at 9:57 pm #

    knot —

    Karmic Hit
    PO Box 7779
    Bondi Beach NSW 2026

    (to the attention of SK)

    will get it there.

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