posted on November 19, 2007 at 1:50 am

i am the killer who lives to die
i am the point at which there is no point
i am vanished into your mind
i am registering as pleasure
yes yes you think
pleasure lovely pleasure
you let me into your head
into your deep mind
into your dwindling faded memories
and distorted daydreams
imagine me
in the white robes of a devotee
as i glide over rivers of thought
mountains of ideas
notion oceans
why do you do this you ask
i dont know i answer
how did you get in you ask
the songs i answer
the songs opened you up
why did you write that song you ask
i wrote it for you i answer
and to make money i quickly add
and because i needed a new song
of course
i dont know why i even like you you say
me neither i say me neither
later
in the library surrounded by the gardens
fountains statues small pagodas
you meet me again
you feign surprise
introduced by one of your mere inklings
i slip and
i spill my eyes on your bare shoulders
the music stops
a deathly hush has fallen
who are you to come in here and do that you demand and
i dont like that song anymore im tired of it you add
i dont like the power you think you have you continue
i dont read your stupid blog and i dont comment
the place slowly empties
i see some famous people in your mind
i see napoleon b and some others
now theyre all leaving
leaving the soiree in the salon
or whatever it was
and i
i unannounced
i unbidden
yes i was uninvited like the sodding clouds
me
innocent me
standing there
my cheeks reddening
eyes brimming with warm tears
my hands uselessly at my side
where are all my smart rejoinders now
ah vocabulary deserts me when i need it most
it just deserts
anyway
what can i say to you in your own mind
why should i justify anything at all
i
a plankton
like you
sucked into the jaws of the whale-like time
strained through hospitals schools and crematoriums
our age tells us how to behave
and limits us to its narrow precepts
mother says this
father says that
the law says dont do it
the night says go on and do it
the woman said too much a man
the man said too much a woman
handed my uniform
told who to be
modeled moulded and mixed up
bitter and twisted
shaken and sturdy
battered on whatever metaphor im searching for
crushed under the weight of words
the hit n miss parade
drugs rotting my own mind from within
now i can barely string a cohesive sentence together
im ugly as sin but not half as much fun
im beset by all manner of psychic attack
i believe animals talk to me and lo they do
i can hold my breath as i sing
i see things that really are there
i am approached by aliens and offered tempeh
i listen to music with 16 bars
i eat rice with rice milk and rice syrup
i meditate on the 7 wounds of the demi-god phooie
i stand in the oomoo boomoo position
i never win but i never lose
i like 2007 its better than being dead
i avoid things that hurt more than avoiding them
i pretend im nice though its very hard
i wish i was much much sexier because then i’d be happy
i envy everybody doing better than me which is everybody
i waste time everytime the time being is being timed
im sorry i had to speak my mind
in your mind
dont mind me
im of a mind
having mined your mind
to declare
this find
closed

33 Responses to “free form freak out”

  1. avatar
    the dean | 19 November 2007 at 3:42 am #

    you have reached the comment of the dean, please leave your blog after the beep.

    beep

  2. avatar
    mattdavison | 19 November 2007 at 4:12 am #

    How many people do ya think envy you killa…hmmmmm

    Just arrived in a very warm Melby

    Matto in St Kilda
    Oh shit I can see the National from here… can’t wait till giggy nxt month…….

    Md

  3. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 November 2007 at 4:17 am #

    a noisey noise annoys an oyster!…have a lovely day SK! hoping that you feel a bit happier with yourself by this time of the afternoon..if you actually took back,in return,only SOME of the joy and inspiration that you so nastily inflict on us all ,out here in music,art,and bloggyland…we’d be happy if you did!…you may not be so hard on yourself..{ha! yeah!….easier said than done,i know that all too well}..take care,and here’s a snippet of wisdom i like to give myself when i am feeling like this “be kind to yourself” …love,as always,gen x

  4. avatar
    blackeyes | 19 November 2007 at 4:32 am #

    sweet.

  5. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 19 November 2007 at 5:57 am #

    Painful and educational to read. Sk has Kafka brilliance and despair. An iconic and spiritual mind responding to these fallen times.

    Hey Japan!! Stop slaughtering whales, dolphins and sharks to placate your palates. The reality of catching sharks and mutilating their fins and tossing them back into the Ocean to painfully and slowfully perish is anathema to being human. shark fin soup is disgusting.

    Sk is very enlightened in arguably the most unelightened era of history. all the politics, music, literature and movies that are considered good are innately bad. It’s prime time for a holy asteroid to wipe out mankind. Spare the women, the children and the animal kingdom.

  6. avatar
    captainmission | 19 November 2007 at 6:10 am #

    never mind.
    whats all this about ‘tempeh’ and aliens?

  7. avatar
    Ethereal Butterfly | 19 November 2007 at 6:49 am #

    The ancient system of archetypal personality typing ‘The Enneagram’ (from the Sufi mystics – more recently interpreted by Gurdjieff & Ichazo) defines no 4 personality types as the ‘Tragic Romantic’ & also as ‘The artist’, their chief feature is Melancholy. The sin of no 4 is envy (each of the 9 types has a sin & a remedy – this system of sins & their remedies has been also defined by many others for example; Geoffrey Chaucer (1340-1400); the remedy for envy is ‘True love of God’. According to Dante (1265-1321) in ‘The Divine Comedy’ – the remedy is Charity, According to Oscar Ichazo 21st C, the remedy is Equanimity. Bearing this in mind 4s also has an overbearing super-ego (a critical & hard internal parental voice). I’m a four – (it’s a bitch of a number) but then all of the numbers suffer in their own way, with their corresponding sin.

    Killa also sounds like a 7 The Epicure, they spend a lot of time with language- talking, planning & intellectualising. They are often writers, or storytellers. They are described as theoretician of a new paradigm. They are planners, synthesisers and idea gathers. They seek out natural ways to stay high– their fear is pain – & their sin is Gluttony the remedies are; (Chaucer& Ichazo) Sobriety & (Dante) Sobriety & moderation, (7s tend to have addictive personalities as they numb themselves from pain). They are idealists, futurists and seek out the best in everything, the ultimate sip, the quintessential view –hence their title ‘the epicure’. They also have tendency towards paranoia, as do nos 5 & 6. 7s are eternally young and stay healthy and active. No 7s need to see the value of maturity & age and let go of their attachment to youth & energy.

    These notes are from Helen Palmer’s “The Enneagram” she is a world renowned authority of this ancient and still practised art. The Sufis system of personality typing was an oral tradition passed on to their youth in order to prevent too much suffering in their lives.

    The 4 also benefits greatly from obtaining equanimity in their life – everything being in balance – I interpret this to be not too much or not too little of all of life’s juggling balls- work, play, family, friends etc

    http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/Discover.asp

    But like when in yoga practice detach and observe and don’t get drawn in when it all just seems too overwhelming, just breathe & let it be……..

    “when I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be……….” I heard this the other day just when I need to.

  8. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 November 2007 at 7:50 am #

    i did let you into my head but you were invited and yes the songs opened me up but i had tuned in long before and avoiding the hurt hurts deeply and you’ve not even begun to mine my mind and i guess i still read your stupid blog and no i do not understand you

  9. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 November 2007 at 9:46 am #

    Don’t apologise about speaking your mind, I love what goes on in that mind of yours sk, but it’s left me a bit confused (that’s why it’s so hard commenting sometimes!!!). Hope you don’t mind me speaking my mind, but I’ll love you forever TTB and I love u just the way you arrrre..(you know, like that stupid song)
    Luv Princey

  10. avatar
    nikwe | 19 November 2007 at 10:07 am #

    anniversary approaches

    should he stay or should he go?

  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 November 2007 at 10:27 am #

    Everybody doing better than you, Steve? Surely you must be referring to sales numbers ’cause in terms of creativity I’m not sure anybody’s doing better than you. The line “I wish I was much sexier than I am” made me smile. I’m 39 years old, and I am NOT gay, but at your latest live performance in Copenhagen I remember thinking that
    if I was, you’d definitely be my type. One of the coolest guys I’ve ever seen regardless of age.

    Thomas Thomsen, Denmark.

  12. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 November 2007 at 11:05 am #

    what makes you think that i’m doing any better than you, olde bean…tell ya what, there’s things in your life that you’re doing a hell of a lot better than me…registering as pleasure…well, must say that your music and poetry definitely registers as pleasure and as far as i’m concerned that ain’t a bad thing at all…
    love always
    -The Hellbound Heart

  13. avatar
    public savant | 19 November 2007 at 11:35 am #

    I have no idea why I come here every fucking day.

    Actually that’s not true, I have a fairly well-developed idea. But why can’t I shake it? Is it because I feel I’m going to miss something profound, funny, poetic or enlightening? Surely I can catch these quite frequent moments through a compendium scan every couple of weeks and spare myself the dreaded daily keystrokes.

    This is quite incredible you know. What you’ve done here, what you continue to create. I’d be flabbergasted if there was as great an achievement in terms of blogs. I mean you have quite literally imbued a corner of cyberspace with your essence. Your considerable essence.

    Every time I go cold turkey I feel genuine grief. And before I know it I’m back in that black terrain so emblazoned upon the fabric of my optical nerve, feeling at once relieved and mildly nauseated by my capitulation to the compulsion.

    At least I lost my taste for the acidulous sans serif soup that is the comments forum and in doing so restored some dignity…oh, hang on…

  14. avatar
    isolde | 19 November 2007 at 11:39 am #

    oh all right
    i couldn’t resist this one
    white robes and brimming tears
    gets me every time

  15. avatar
    isolde | 19 November 2007 at 11:42 am #

    pub sav
    just admit
    ya gotta submit

  16. avatar
    nickfiction | 19 November 2007 at 12:49 pm #

    ” i’m ugly as sin, but not half as much fun ” – now that truly is genius, excuse me but can i steal that for a song title?

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 November 2007 at 1:14 pm #

    this one’s a bit mimetic….

    I watched the sun sparkle off the water at Neilsen Park and agapanthus on the way home; and I thought of her sparkling pretty eyes in the hospital two weeks ago where I held her goodbye and felt her delicate and strong bones as we wept quietly not looking at each other…

    vale, literary Angel

    xxKittykat

  18. avatar
    matthew | 19 November 2007 at 1:21 pm #

    Awwww*, that kinda collapsed into a helpless place, after initial triumph! Sounds like one of my days at the Department Of Secrecy… nothing like that feeling of uselessness to inspire that feeling of uselessnes… But I loved
    “i wrote it for you i answer
    and to make money i quickly add”, gave me a laff… just to temper the despair with the vaguest of hope… thanks SK!
    *May contain traces of too many w’s

  19. avatar
    don't worry kyoko | 19 November 2007 at 1:33 pm #

    ‘yes’

  20. avatar
    Leelinau | 19 November 2007 at 3:14 pm #

    Ed Zachery!

    ^_^

  21. avatar
    veleska1970 | 19 November 2007 at 3:35 pm #

    sorry i’ve been away for a few days~~only to return and read this sad but sweet *gem*.

    “you let me into your head
    into your deep mind”
    and i’m glad i did, everyday. 🙂

    congrats on the one million reads!!

  22. avatar
    John | 19 November 2007 at 6:45 pm #

    SK,

    I thought this was a deeply personal and revealing entry today. In my opinion it was the best thing you’ve written so far, and that’s saying a lot. Thanks for sharing it.

    Sometimes I think you are just toying with us, but this one I’m not so sure.

    John

  23. avatar
    steve kilbey | 19 November 2007 at 8:47 pm #

    i love my readers!!!!

  24. avatar
    Cee | 19 November 2007 at 9:03 pm #

    “the night says go on and do it”
    “la noche dice ‘andale, hazlo'”

    and I listen too much to the night

  25. avatar
    veleska1970 | 19 November 2007 at 9:15 pm #

    “i love my readers!!!!”
    we love you, too!! 🙂

  26. avatar
    zoerov | 19 November 2007 at 10:05 pm #

    otherwise, just try:
    http://www.stevekilbey.blogpot.com/

  27. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 November 2007 at 10:12 pm #

    Happy to hear that sk! I love you too (as if you didn’t know!)
    Have a great day, it’s stinkin’ hot & windy here in Melby and those damn huge, disgusting blowflys are out in full force…yuuk!
    Love Amanda

  28. avatar
    gareth,notts | 19 November 2007 at 10:42 pm #

    on occasions in my life when i was asked if i wished i looked like anyone else,i used to say steve kilbey! folk would look at me blankly and say ‘who?’….think plenty of people envy u steve,whats not to envy,best band ever,and of course,not working for the man,time to indulge ur talents/hobbies,loving missus n twillies/doodles/bumper…living in australia…fuck! the list just goes on,count ur blessings man! after all,u could be working for the man,in england,in winter!!!

  29. avatar
    PAGEY | 20 November 2007 at 12:03 am #

    the end is near. will you get spit back into the glum revolving door.

    we never know. will never know….hell bent the best are..

  30. avatar
    restaurant mark | 20 November 2007 at 12:13 am #

    whew…busy day! we should all go easy on the envy…i do it badly, but i’ve also learned that the people i’ve envied or the things they had…it was all from the outside and sometimes, come to find out, not what you think…and then of course, sometimes it is and then i’m still envious as hell. oh well…

    take care everyone

    mark

  31. avatar
    John Howard vs C.B.Demil | 20 November 2007 at 12:42 am #

    BORING

  32. avatar
    not knowing what else to say | 20 November 2007 at 2:55 am #

    thanks for the words..
    this is why we call you artist.

    timf

  33. avatar
    J. L. Bacchus | 20 November 2007 at 3:01 am #

    I thought that rocked, Steve. You are truly on your game. Read my friggin mind. 🙂

    Joe


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