posted on October 26, 2008 at 7:45 pm

be patient
you’ll play all the parts
morning
summer
winter
evening
return to your old haunts
driving down country lanes you become your father
hanging in the sky become your son
suddenly you look around yourself
all this and you were hardly interested
now with time running out the doors
time pouring through every open window
time pawing your bones
time poring through your mind
temporal shift
today the flowers are all painted in brightly
the temperature has been adjusted to a jolly 75 degrees
oh maybe i should stick around you think
in a field like italy
beware of snakes says the flyer
men in green direct you to your spot in the trees
float over the lawns
nibble nibble
one side makes you taller one side makes you smaller
my mother sits like a queen on a portable throne
80 years old surrounded by her sons and brothers
sisters-in-law, daughters-in-law
nephews, grand children and well-wishers
time has shaped her inside and out
i remember when she was more restless
under some kind of pressure she put on herself
now she sits with her iffy knee fresh from under the knife
under a great pine tree
gracious and happy and contented
while a strange crowd of country bumpkins and hippies
listen to the bhagavad guitars
i talk a little but dont say much
always the outsider
russell says
i’d tick every box on the asbergers page
anti social
dislikes crowds n noise (oh you bet i do)
cant read people (apparently not)
etc
something in me cant feel
and something else feels too much
i cant stand the phony baloney chit chat trip
if i know you hate me
dont welcome me into your house with a forced smile
dont kiss me or hug me or ask me how d’ye do?
anyway i always keep me distance from em all
but now its a quiet distance
a modest distance
a distance filled with quiet vagueness
not a screaming silence
i dont sulk in a huff
i just sit on my own
no one can or wants to reach me
i see marlon cruise by
he looks at me now like we understand each other
neither of us can really participate in these things
why why why
i dont resent it if thats what it is
ive always hated small talk
i want to like it
i want to fit in
how many times has someone said to me
why cant you just be normal for once?
and i didnt know
i never knew what it was
i learned to approximate
you mean i should actually smile?
like this?
i knew smiling was good but i never made the connection
or if i did i could never be bothered
we are animals…we react to this kind of stimuli
maybe i tried to jump over all that
i cant remember
in my mind i was cold and cruel
but i am no longer that childe
the gardens pacify me
trees and flowers gently excite my wonder
i gaze with a painterly eye
endless shades of green to master
just like endless shades of meaning to glean
and eve runs around and drinks fizzy drinks until she just explodes
she has to lie down in a cool room to recover
aurora keeps going hard
and the baby is all hot sweaty n mostly exasperated
the inevitable sausages n prawns come out
i need to steer clear of that noxious smoke
this here is the real poison
they all dig in
no one will listen to me
i sadly see children devouring bacon n sausages
what a shame
everyone drinking beer
hey its a party isnt it ?
i like to see em all enjoying em selves now
i suppose thats progress
it makes me happy
to see em all happy
and i would love to lose myself
in any happy crowd
no it was really lovely
the country air
the warm evening
all the people
my mother hitting eighty
she never molly coddled me much
i used to wish she had
now i’m glad she didnt….it was good for me
and i see that through distance
i was able to get closer to things
and a load of other boring old paradoxes
that come with being some sort of human being
i suppose

22 Responses to “gradually eventually”

  1. avatar
    kat | 26 October 2008 at 9:38 pm #

    your ma is 80? wow! you're lucky to have her around, for sure. & she's lucky to have you.

    >something in me can't feel
    & something else feels too much<

    yep thats me, and i guess alot of us? i dunno. same with what i am incorporating into my writing. i also care too much and don't care as well. such confliction. maybe just tired.

  2. avatar
    princey | 26 October 2008 at 9:57 pm #

    Happy Birthday to your mum sk, she must of had a beautiful day surrounded by her lovely loved ones. Both my parents are getting close to their 83rd birthdays, and I couldn’t believe my dad renewed his drivers licence on Friday, new photo, new card, no questions asked! I was really proud of him and could tell how important something as simple as being able to still drive at his age meant so much to him. (look out Melby roads!)
    So, we all feel really young, fit and healthy now right?:))
    Take care and lots of love,
    Amanda

  3. avatar
    the dean | 26 October 2008 at 10:14 pm #

    there must be one person who you can really talk to, one person who gets you totally, one….or is that what this blog is.

    happy 80th mother kilbey.

  4. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 27 October 2008 at 12:21 am #

    Happy 80th Birthday Juicy!!!
    Jonny Wallop

  5. avatar
    amy | 27 October 2008 at 12:24 am #

    Beautiful Blog today… x Amy

  6. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 27 October 2008 at 12:49 am #

    No Sk if it was not for his mother. He’s more a philosopher than a rock star that’s why he has an aversion to formality, forced gatherings and and all BS (good and bad BS). He’s a kindred spirit of Empedocles. The latter would love Celestial. First three songs on Painkiller are inviolable perfection. They make the CD alluring and positively infectious.

  7. avatar
    linjo | 27 October 2008 at 2:36 am #

    Whats normal Steve? People who want to waffle on about every mundane aspect of a situation instead of getting to the point? Those people make me anxious and I avoid them. Quality of chat not quantity is the go isnt it? Linda

  8. avatar
    captain mission | 27 October 2008 at 7:15 am #

    i tried being normal once, it didn’t work, i try every now and then but i’m just resigned to the fact that i’m an underachiever in that dept.

  9. avatar
    chrome3d | 27 October 2008 at 7:41 am #

    Being with people doesn´t require that much thinking. That´s the problem, how to turn off the unnecessary thinking. I guess but I´m not sure.

  10. avatar
    Leelinau | 27 October 2008 at 8:52 am #

    ‘something in me cant feel
    and something else feels too much’

    mmhm.

    .^_^.

  11. avatar
    sergezéni | 27 October 2008 at 10:00 am #

    Happy birthday to Mum, Steven!

  12. avatar
    finn | 27 October 2008 at 10:11 am #

    Finn falls from her eerie laughing,
    oh sweetie you’re no more aspergers than I am
    I think (roll of eyes) I know
    Isis or Ishtar
    call Her what you will
    or call Her the White Goddess
    whispered in your ear at birth
    and your filters just got altered a little
    you can see and hear and sense a little way through the mist
    most people don’t even know there is a mist they have such certitude

    Steve can you stop wriggling for a moment while I am in my harpy guise, theres a good boy. I just want a little feed on your liver, sweetie. Thanks

    Oh and by the way happy 80th Joycie, I think I will settle down with the Old Iron Pot for some bedtime reading tonight in your honour,

    Love Finny

  13. avatar
    souqie | 27 October 2008 at 10:50 am #

    more sk shorts!

    medicine ball
    http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=jQ3TfveXmQ0

    it’s all over now
    http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=41iucGRLABY

    click on the “watch in high quality” option at bottom right of video

  14. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 27 October 2008 at 11:01 am #

    distance can often let one see with clarity….just because you’re not in the thick of things doesn’t mean that you don’t love these people any less, right? don’t change, steve….
    so your mum’s a scorpio? strong willed, can be quiet and secretive, passionate and driven….qualities that can make a very good mum….my mum’s heading up towards her fourth lot of chemotherapy on friday, she’s finding it harder and harder to recover from each successive lot of stuff….makes me wonder why good people have to suffer….
    love always….

  15. avatar
    Andromeda7 | 27 October 2008 at 12:46 pm #

    fresh water

    such sweet honesty

    happy 80th Joyce

    you’ve done a great job with those three boys

  16. avatar
    ross b | 27 October 2008 at 1:00 pm #

    Lovely post Steve.

  17. avatar
    Melby Symon | 27 October 2008 at 1:35 pm #

    I looked into both my parents eyes on the weekend and wondered where all the years had gone. Years never to be retrieved…lost forever.

    All I could think was “what a cruel joke this life is”….it gives us so much and takes it back so savagely…when we least expect it. I turned my back for just a minute…and the years just zipped by.

    Anyway,…what a grand matriach your mum sounds sk…a noble queen of the kingdom she has created.

    Many kind thoughts and much love(without any annoying small talk !)from Melby to you and your family (and all feindss wherever you may be).

  18. avatar
    msm | 27 October 2008 at 3:08 pm #

    “you mean i should actually smile?” …so funny to read that… when my mother died, me at age 14… that was always what I thought I had to fake the most!! *Smiling*, for the relatives, school friends, family, etc… I didn’t do it very well!… nor did I understand the deep need to grieve, til much later. Thanks SK for those anecdotes… things keep making more sense, all the time.

  19. avatar
    CSTCoach | 27 October 2008 at 3:13 pm #

    wow, happy birthday Mrs Kilbey 🙂

    And here’s to many more!

  20. avatar
    verdelay | 27 October 2008 at 5:12 pm #

    HOMEWORK

    Cecil Collins (1908-1989). British Artist

    Pavel Filonov (1883-1941). Russian Artist

    To what extent do Collins and Filonov share a common artistic vision? Does a shared metaphysical outlook inevitably lead to shared stylistic leanings? Meaning and method are interwoven: discuss.

    (5 credits)

    v

  21. avatar
    davem | 27 October 2008 at 8:02 pm #

    The price of your genius, I guess.
    Above all else I want you to be happy.
    Much love to you.
    x

  22. avatar
    fantasticandy | 27 October 2008 at 8:36 pm #

    happy birthday mrs.k….
    you have some remarkable offspring!


Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.