posted on November 29, 2007 at 1:22 am

lemme tell you something is going on here
i have a theory that a huge enough destiny
will imprint backwards into the present day
so we kinda remember it all before its happened
of course i speak of my pet political obsession
mr malcolm turnbull
my opposite
my negative
my anathema
to bring those of you up to speed here
i give you the brief rundown
if you know this bit
then keep moving down the page
till you find something you like
now get comfy
have a cuppa tea and a biccie
and read on :
against the background of vietnam
t rex
long hair
teenage lurve
jamming in the garage
last year of high school
i was in canberran debating team
the nsw side came down to debate us
we had to put up one each in our own homes
my guy was malcolm turnbull
same age
we hated each other
i couldnt believe an eighteen year old
would look and act like a forty year old
possessed of unbeleavable self con-fidence
malcolm already knew it
he knew he was going all the way to the top
and maybe even further
i guess everybody around him felt it too
his team beat our team
he demolished us
next to his debating skills
his ability to think on his feet
his huge vocab and his toffy accent
next to him we were fucking kids
he was the best we’d ever seen
it was like arguing with winston churchill
this dude was the decider
you know the other bits
an attempt to dally with our rather large breasted 1st speaker
was thwarted quickly when she told him to bugger off
as we drove home
the atmos-fear in my mazda was icy
malcolm didnt really dig rock neither
so we didnae have much more to say
except of course
occaisionally he’d mutter
something like
how dare she reject….ME!!??
anyway he chatted to joycie
in his smoking jacket
he knew everything about everything
mum was impressed
and issued her famous prophecy
say what you like about him
he will one day be the prime minister of australia
and you know what
whatever i may have said
i knew
in my heart of hearts
that had already seen the future
but could not reveal it to me
that malcolm would be the top man…one day
yeah you read all that before
but i wanna say it
you overseas readers
watch this
this guy will at the next election become p.m.
no doubt
you see this election
it was all looking so bad for him
his wife wrote letters to his constituency
begging them to believe that her mal was not a toffy nosed snob
if you only knew him like me
said mrs moneypants (of the olde-moneypants)
and suddenly his boundaries got changed
incorporating some serious proletarian hoi-polloi lefty voters
plus a new opponent who was ex mayor and out to get him
plus some horrible posters everywhere
featuring mal next to the now gone john howard
both looking so miserable
and underneath how they wont sign kyoto
(which is ironic cos mal was the one lib who did wanna sign)
i thought
uh oh
mals gonna get done
i wont be able to say i had the p.m. stay with me
i wont be able to dine out for years and years
on how our joanna told him to flipping well bugger off
and i can embellish and embellish it forever
so i started looking at him very differently
hes very humble now
tho i suspect that
its an act
like me
hes just getting older…
despite it looking so grim before the election
mal gets voted back in with a swing to him
howard the leader of the libs gets thrown out of his own seat
costello the next in line spits the dummy and quits
(cos he knew mal was gonna do him)
suddenly mal is gonna be the opposition leader
gimme a crack at rudd he says
mal will have rudd on toast
mal will do rudd and whoever comes next
mal is unstoppable
so what
but the really weird thing
is everybody knows it
already there a hundreds of letters appearing in the papers
all saying
we’ve all always known mal would be the pm anyway
its inevitable…
a couple of useless gooses stand in his way
abbott and nelson
and i tell thee this
mal will do em both and toss em aside
most of the party and people of aust
have already accepted it
what joycie said 35 years ago
we all knew it all along
i wonder what it is that he only ever succeeds
like a poker player on a roll
he doesnt believe he can ever lose
and if you come up against him
you will believe it too
heres something
i believe he will be a memorable prime minister
he’ll be around a long time
he’ll see aust is a republic
he’ll make logical decisions
he will be environmentally aware
i wonder what will eventually bring him undone?
once he’s leader he can drop the lightweight humble act
he sometimes put on
to seem less threatening to those he would soon replace
i am in awe of the man
filthy rich a success thru and thru
what gives?
how does this work?
what mechanism propels these men to their destinies
and then
their dooms?

47 Responses to “malchick return (bull)”

  1. avatar
    steve kilbey | 29 November 2007 at 2:31 am #

    more mal-facts
    he’s only been in parliament 3 years
    some of the guys rolling over to him
    have been around 20 odd years many of them
    as ministers
    hes a member of opus dei and converted to catholicism to join.are they pulling strings?
    have they always pulled the strings?
    will he come clean on his involvement in this secretive movement?
    his missus was lord mayor of sydney for a while
    the richest aust politician estimated 30 odd mil
    and a harbourside palace. mals got a big big expensive boat too, one of only a few in aust
    former journalist lawyer investment banker
    watch this space!

  2. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 2:33 am #

    Like you said the other day sk, it’s all about devotion. It seems MT is and has been totally devoted to politics most of his life and really believes in himself, so he WILL get to the “top” eventually. Your mum could see it would happen 35 years ago, and so did he I suppose. Mama’s always right, right??
    Have a nice day sk.
    Love Amanda

  3. avatar
    steve kilbey | 29 November 2007 at 2:41 am #

    im thinking how exciting it must be
    to be him right now
    feeling this surge of inevitability lift him up
    like a wave
    hurling him towards the future
    this is the best time now
    its all set up and he can cruise in
    the games already over
    he knows it
    fortune has smiled
    only a terrible mistake
    will impede him now
    skeletons in his closet?
    i doubt it
    and yet…..

  4. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 2:48 am #

    Yes Steve can smell his power through the television but can we ultimately trust a man that put a claim in for living away expenses when it was his wife’s home he stayed in? Thats a bit stinky especially when you have so much money! How will he stuff up? maybe he’s a closet queen or something or has a big breasted bird hidden away who will spill the beans. At least we know little Johnny would never had done anything naughty that may have come up to bite him later.
    Linda, Tuncurry
    ps please please come up this way and play one day

  5. avatar
    Richard | 29 November 2007 at 2:52 am #

    Malcolm might be about to get a shadow cabinet (mmmmm…), but what about the other half of the equation?

    The vanquished debater – cum – gracefully ageing spacerocker who on many occasions in these hallowed pages has spoken of grand political aims…

    Turnbull might be the one to give us a republic, but you could write the anthem.

    Maybe Joycie was just too proud to tell you about THAT part of her vision for Mr Turnbull.

  6. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 2:57 am #

    Bad news Killas, yo9ur hero, he not make the opposition leader. Some other knob, he did. Sorry. Go Turncoat, Killas luvs you at least.

  7. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 3:01 am #

    his human nature will be his undoing

    never heard of the man til now but
    being environmentally AWARE yet drives the biggest boat? please explain

    sounds a little scary to me.


  8. avatar
    veleska1970 | 29 November 2007 at 3:05 am #

    hah~~imagine that….you were briefly paired up with the future PM, and you were oh so diametrically opposed. weird how fate does things like that to us.

    besides being full of his “toffy” self, was he a good houseguest~~did he eat everything in your fridge? did he leave wet towels on your bathroom floor? did he fart on your couch? come on, steve~~spill the beans on his skeletons, LOL.

    have a good afternoon, steve.

    lotza love….

  9. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 3:27 am #

    only problemo is …i think ya gotta be a particular type of person,to want to be a politician…most folks ,in their right mind {or left!? ;)} would not want the BS that goes with the job!i suppose in MT’s arrogance,and the fact that he’s not doing it for the money{so much as some others},is a good thing…we kinda need a PM with “balls”!…politicians,are an odd bunch,as far as i am concerned…odd,just very odd…the “raffle wheel” from a bingo hall must have been installed at parlaiment house,i think!?;) seems to be the way they choose random and pointless policies..haha!…have a lovely day SK!…love,as always,gen xxxxx..p.s. i think i’d rather debate MT than SK!!! are a bluddy genius sir! x

  10. avatar
    damien | 29 November 2007 at 3:30 am #

    They’ve put Brendon Nelson in to keep the seat warm for Mal, who’s just letting go to get a better grip.

  11. avatar
    daniel12 | 29 November 2007 at 3:47 am #

    You know Steven I pretty much agree with your entire assesment of MT.
    But even so i think it’s a good thing if he becomes leader of the opposition.
    I mean imagine it being some fumbling bumbling ol Howard/Monarchy loyalist.
    Opposing Kyoto and Aboriginal apology whilst urging us to maintain an Iraq presence and Workchoices.
    The Goverment could just do a walk through.
    We need a smart smarmy bastard like him to keep em on there toes.

  12. avatar
    the dean | 29 November 2007 at 3:50 am #

    Paul Keating said that Turnbull is like that big red fire cracker you’ve save up all cracker night. You light the fuse and nothing happens. A fizzer of the first degree.
    He will never make PM and will be gone after the next election. The apprentice rat Abbott (johnny jnr) will lead the Liberals(an oxymoron) to defeat. Nelson is currently playing the part of the sacrificial lamb while the infighting begins.

  13. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 4:00 am #

    Same age huh? He looks way older than you do.

  14. avatar
    Olde Amps | 29 November 2007 at 4:07 am #

    He has lost the vote to that boring bastard Brendan Nelson…geez those “Liberals” really are a bunch of sorry-arsed zeroes.

    “Malcolm Turnbull” does sound like a Prime Minister-type name though doesn’t it?

    Regardless…he’s still a prick.

  15. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 5:02 am #

    What about the 2 J’s? Julia Gillard and Julie Bishop (to our offshore friends, the first is the new deputy prime minister, the second is the new deputy leader of the opposition).
    Julie Bishop spoke better than BN just then in their first press conference.
    Brendan Nelson is a knob and yes, is probably keeping the seat warm for Mal, who they have assigned the Treasury portfolio – and the last two prime ministers were former Treasurer’s, so Joyce’s prediction may yet be fulfilled; although it could be Malcom and the 2J’s brawling for the hot seat.

    But yeah, as V says, spill the beans! It’s the incongouest thing to imagine you and MT in the same room together, let alone same car; at the dinner table, de bating…
    and here’s me thinking he didn’t have enough credentials!(wonder what his favourite album is)


  16. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 5:35 am #

    Mal came up to me on election day, smiling clear blue eyes, offering a solid confident handshake that lingered on my hand for sometime actually, seemed humble and genuine even,it felt like a meeting with an old friend almost.
    He asked me if I would be giving him my vote. “Not today” I said
    “But i wish you all the best”.
    As we both turned to go, he turned back and said,” well at least you have given me your blessing”.
    and in that instant i thought to myself there is the future leader of australia ( hopefully not for some time i add) and i didn’t feel dread about it

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 5:36 am #

    So, no doubt MT would remember you if you bumped into each other sk? I wonder if he saw you on tv performing at the Commonwealth Games and thought, “Wow, that nice chap Steven Kilbey I once knew has really made it…good-o!”
    He’s got nothin’ on you sk! Politicians suck, that’s for sure!
    Luv Princey

  18. avatar
    Jenn | 29 November 2007 at 5:37 am #

    Hey Steve
    Youve certainly changed your tune, gone from slagging off all the pollies,to name dropping and making the startling declaration that malcolm turningbull is to be our next pm, because he beat you at debating? because your mum said so? I hope not!
    This country has been living in a social, moral and environmental limbo for 11yrs. I’m a true believer
    and I never thought I would see the day when my favourite blog and blogger would be recommending a preening peacock as our next pm.
    I’m glad I love your music so much,
    cos lately your political views are pithin’ me orf.

  19. avatar
    Finn | 29 November 2007 at 5:44 am #

    I just wanna know how long you gonna keep me locked out of your empire…

    just came up my itunes.

  20. avatar
    eek | 29 November 2007 at 6:09 am #

    If this was in the US you’d be getting a knock on your door from someone trying to dig up dirt on olde Mal. I could just see the headlines now: “Turnbull Childhood Friend of Notorious Pot-Smoking Hippy” 🙂

    Kittykat — do you have another email addy? The current one I have keeps bouncing. It’s driving me nuts.

  21. avatar
    Melissa | 29 November 2007 at 6:24 am #

    ^haha 😀

    MT is a member of Opus Dei?? Really? That’s kinda .. scary.

  22. avatar
    SAWblog | 29 November 2007 at 6:46 am #


    Before I finished your blog I had a flash(back.)

    You & your mom & him, in the car…
    just like me & my dad & him (a peer of mine on my sports team, in my early teen years) in the car.

    My dad engaged — and I disengaged.
    I watched it happen, the interest, the magnetism.
    I heard this kid’s words a hollow.
    My dad, instead: listened, asked, listened, asked, listened.

    I have no modern times update of this kid, now turned man.
    Nor do I want to.
    But your sentences today painted me right back into that car ride.


  23. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 7:09 am #

    I completely agree with your last post ‘engine ears’
    I live in the us, texas, the west, and i think its insane, and ridiculous, the way this country is being run. I’ve been watching the debates on tv too, and i think some of the runners have a few good points, but I could get up there without any special interest groups towed behind me, and tell every one of those bastards how this country really should be run. We don’t need to be sticking our wolf nose in where it doesn’t belong. I don’t care how many countries we are trying to protect, it doesn’t mean we have to go and start a war for it. Your right, we need more compassion and peace in the world, and we should really learn from the mistakes of our past, for we are destined to repeat them otherwise.
    Galveston TX

  24. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 7:22 am #

    Hi Steve have been thinking more and amusing myself with various scenarios of mt’s skeletons:
    Forward three years to english tabloids: (said in the broadest cockney accent)
    “my noights of passion with Oz’s PM”
    “he made me feel loik a reel woman”
    and a picture of some scrubber in her lingerie on the front page! ha ha

    And of course then there will be the official press conference denial “I swear to God that at no times did I have relations with that woman” and Lucy will be there nodding in support and we will believe him. He is a man of God, he wouldnt do this! And then we will see footage of him going to church with luce, such a family man.
    Move over Becks!
    Anyway I like to have a laugh at human nature, you cant take people too seriously or politics too seriously, whats the point? Small fish in a large sea can only keep their own yards clean (?)unless you have the drive to get up and make a stand. To stick by your own beliefs and values and passing these on to our kids is the best that the majority can do, surely that will have some difference in the future. Anyway Steve I thought it was a bit odd that someone perceived your comments today as namedropping. I found them fascinating. Its human nature to talk about others, everyone does it. People are just too goddamned serious these days!


  25. avatar
    steve kilbey | 29 November 2007 at 9:10 am #

    thank you linda of tuncurry where my mother used to live
    ok mal just got beaten to leadership today by dr nelson
    a prawn so raw he makes ruddy look like disraeli
    mal will have done him in by end of 2008
    i’d say
    nelson better be lookin’ out
    mal will be inexorable
    if thats dropping names so be it
    whether you want it or not
    i reckon it will be the way i said

  26. avatar
    captain mission | 29 November 2007 at 9:41 am #

    ha you gotta laught really, the libs are so out of touch they chose brendon over malcom, at least he wanted to sign kyoto, how strange that the libs learnt absolutly nothing from their defeat, replaced a wet sponge with an even wetter invertebrate of some sort, the libs are finished, its king kev all the way.

    strange story, time is kinda loopy. your mum must have seen around the corner….

  27. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 10:05 am #

    Thank you Steve,now that we are talking politics tonight, I must say that one thing that churns me up is the baby bonus. Soon it will be $5000. I find it totally heartbreaking that dysfunctionals will cash in on this and have an innocent child, probably to be brought up in sub standard conditions where there is no harmony and love. We all know as parents how much thought and time has to be put in to a babe for them to feel at peace with who they are. This is of course going to be a perpetual situation. Thats why I believe we should have referendums about particular subjects. Im on a roll tonight, Linda Johnson for PM lol

  28. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 10:38 am #

    jaysus-christ, don’t log on for a couple of days and it’s wall-to-wall politics…could’t agree with you more about that fuck knuckle bush…it’s marvellous how assholes like him manage to grab power and hang onto it…as for today’s politics, well, wonder how mal would go if you and him were to swap jobs for a couple of weeks…hmmmmm…obviously his bulging vocabulary didn’t work with your debating companion…
    love always
    -The Hellbound Heart

  29. avatar
    matthew | 29 November 2007 at 11:27 am #

    Pfffft, he leaves me cold for one, SK. And he needs to perfect that inimitable Rudd wide-open-mouthed toothy smile. I say feed him to The Chaser, they seem to be able to handle him.

  30. avatar
    Jenn | 29 November 2007 at 11:31 am #

    Yep , I think I’m mighta gone a bit over the top with the accusation of name dropping..
    sorry sk..
    I can be a cranky ol bag ;o)

  31. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 11:55 am #

    I think you should invite mal over for a smoke of the sacramental herb (his shout of course) to work out his strategy. He might just work out as PM one day and make you Minister for Space Rock and Esoteric Concerns.

  32. avatar
    lily was here | 29 November 2007 at 1:10 pm #

    Turnbull only lost by 3 votes and he’s new on the scene. There’d be so much inner tension between the Libs at the moment, esp old school members, that I doubt they could vote sensibly, without prejudice and for the better of their party right now. Nelson will end up cold toast & get the flick eventually. I think you’re spot on. MT will be in the running for PM for sure, just give him time. Joycie is dead right, there’s something there.

    Sue x

    ps Paul Keating is still an arrogant man who bullies his opponents. Witty and clever with his putdowns? Not my idea of a great man.

    We dont have much do we? 🙂 We seem a little short on great leaders and visionaries. Is the global media network ruining it for us? It would be kind of funny to see MT running for PM against a big-breasted female opponent though, but i dont think either of the J’s qualify LOL

  33. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 1:23 pm #

    AC/DC is better than T.Rex

    Love you, you’re the greatest, etc blah blah

  34. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 1:43 pm #

    eekie, comin at ya….

    a thousand pardons

  35. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 2:10 pm #

    I dunno who the fuck any of em are. Dunno why anyone would think having a female deputy PM is good – we in UK had a female PM for 11 years and she destroyed our society. Good luck!

  36. avatar
    davem | 29 November 2007 at 5:11 pm #

    I’ve never heard of him Killa, but I can’t believe the lucky bastard got to stay at your house.
    Got Jack Frost on at the mo. Lovely. Vote Kilbey!!

  37. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 8:17 pm #

    In country,where was on gig of The Church estimated 45 people feat. staff(from that was 80% foreignes)today all newspapers write about ex-Oil chief like a minister!This is yellow,but show of Peter Garrett in 1997 was canceled,people don’t interest music,only subsidiary sensation.Never will be on cover-page info,that Robert Forster has new solo album and what do Iva from Icehouse will be in focus only,when become a minister of waterskiing.Actually,yesterday for a change was news nr.1 also from country “down under”:will come to us pop princess Kylie..dandysek

  38. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 8:19 pm #

    MT is in “the shadow cabinet” heh heh

  39. avatar
    knot anything but me | 29 November 2007 at 9:13 pm #

    But, my dear man,

    You already said it earlier on..
    “a privileged and spoilt child”
    and so, these privileged and spoilt children become privileged and spoilt adults who eventually, of course, all 12 of them, run the world.

    Why be surprised? Is it any different than the Middle Ages? Business as usual for us plebs pulling along the plows, scrubbing the floors etc.

    Revolution is the only answer. But what shape can it take today?

  40. avatar
    CSTCoach | 29 November 2007 at 9:23 pm #

    will be interesting to watch and see how your prognostications play out, oh soothsayer… 🙂


  41. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 11:12 pm #

    Sign Kyoto? We already signed Kyoto under Howard. It was just never ratified in Parliament. There is a difference.

    Turnbull? He’s just another Andrew Peacock, but without the sex appeal.

  42. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2007 at 11:22 pm #

    sad to see m toolbull getting air even here
    it will be a decade min before the libs get a look in
    and by then thankfully
    toolbull will be a has been
    sorry joyce

  43. avatar
    relic | 30 November 2007 at 7:17 am #

    Spoilt, privileged.
    Half their luck!
    I cannot balance my own bank book let alone a whole bloody countrys.

  44. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 November 2007 at 6:17 pm #

    Yo Mr K,

    Thanks again for the favour.
    I am hoping you are wrong about big Mal.
    Allow me to make my own prediction.
    K Rudd will be the best PM this country has ever seen. He will quietly and methodically go about fixing stuff, some of which most people didn’t even know was broken.
    Mal will watch this and become dispirited. He will also get sick of being sneered at by his (putative) inferiors on the government benches and think, “Stuff this! I could be leader of this broken neo-con rabble for years and still not be PM. I’m off to make another 50 million.”
    Big Kev will do his stuff and hand over the leadership in a gracious and timely manner to the first female PM this country has seen.
    I’m off to bed now to dream happily of justice and freedom……and sweet revenge!

    George Taxi

  45. avatar
    Larry | 30 November 2007 at 9:27 pm #

    I can’t help thinking you should become an adviser to Peter Garrett in some capacity.

  46. avatar
    steve kilbey | 2 December 2007 at 5:26 am #

    i could teach him to sing for a start

  47. avatar
    Victoria | 25 September 2008 at 5:12 am #

    As the Texans say: “The guy’s all hat and no cattle.”
    So, the sooner you fawnicators get over Malcolm ‘Master of the Universe’ Turnbull and realise that his self-perceived destiny should not, for very good reasons, be the country’s destiny, then the sooner we can all start deconstructing his carefully-constructed facade.

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