posted on April 22, 2011 at 10:54 am


the truth aint out there somewhere

sitting like a continent waiting to be dis-covered

the truth is so elusive

appearing in is myriad disguises

at funerals at bars at the going down of the sun

why do you do the things that you do ? says someone

someone in another room

who am i? i turn to say

i was hoping you could tell me

until i meet up with someone so sweetly complete

perhaps this reflection i see will belong to me

my blood throbs in my chest

my thoughts course thru my brain

part beast part star part stupid oaf

we are series of reactions to external stimulii

resolving contradictions

i am destined to believe only in chance

love from life to life

life from star to star

beast star oaf

is zero sacred?

nothing would look good on you

you understand it effortlessly

good beyond good somehow you remain quite bad

bad to the bone apart

in a fickle world you remain mercurial

in good fridays happinesses and sadnesses

the day they murdered such a gentle man

the hammer the nail the splint’ring wood

the screams of man

this part i still dont understand

humanity torturing itself

oh and i hope margot has met jesus by now

i hope shes talking his reddish-blond lovely curls off

i hope shes made a few suggestions about some more bottle shops up there

and sought out some famous dead guitarists and demanded a chord progression

i hope shes just like our margot but without the pain without the fear

i hope shes just like our margot with strange gorgeous words escaping her lips

i hope shes just like our margot walking and talking with jesus

next day margot deep in the forest round vrindavan

she hears krsnas flute drifting from the hidden lake

oh margot i can see you

your eyes filled with delight

you so pale in your sari

you so glowing in your sartori

and margot sings along to the divine music of india

her voice fills the glades in its mellifluous wordless singing sigh

so i leave her there among the swans

i leave her there amongst the lotuses and her companions

far from the crematorium at the edge of the eastern suburbs

far from the coffin and the flowers

little sister we did all love you

your poor family, little singer

could they understand your torments and obsessions

i turn angrily to my jesus who stands here on good friday

my jesus that i painted with the gold guitar back in the imperial avenue days

my jesus with the groovy hair and beard of  stars

my jesus with tears in his eyes maybe i see

yeah i loved margot smith too he says in his most beautiful voice

i love all of em he says nibbling on a cadburys hollow chocolate egg

whats with all the rabbits n eggs ?  i ask him

symbolism he smiles and sighs …kinda obfuscated things a little

i always felt rotten having a holiday the day they nailed ya up…..!

confusing isnt it……jesus and his beatific smile

suffer the little children …did margot ever sing that?

it was a lovely day for margots goodbye

goodbye goodbye goodbye

sunny but with a cool wind

out here in this windswept southern coast

far from england far from ireland

margot no more DTs no more morphine patches

no more assaults when you were using the bathroom

margot no more hospitals no more disappointments

margot fly away from this earth now

oh you are free beyond freedom

oh your songs now fill the future and your words are winged like birds

yet i feel your presence in this room

bereavement on multiple fronts

i grieve for nazareth for venice and vienna

i mourn my babylon i mourn my mornings in distant melbourne

in an english garden crying like a phantom in the sun

in america the new world bargaining a million acres for a mirror

a rich roman widow sobbing amidst her vines

you are lost my reader lost in this tangle of inklings

so you switch on your new sat-nav machine

you have a choice of voices but you choose the one marked SK

the machine come on with cough that clears a throat

how are ya ? says the voice

refuckingcalculating says the voice

oh boy youre really lost arent ya? says the voice

its good friday too says the voice

and i dont quite frankly fuckin’ know where you are says the voice

left or right its all the same to me says the voice

it good friday and the tourists are pouring into bondi says the voice

wanna avoid the future its undergoing repairs

wanna avoid the past…theres been an accident ….

take the present until you reach the end

the end aint the end i’m sure says the voice

then you go on n on n on n on

you will change

you will grow

you will encounter unbearable pain n pleasure

until……says the voice


until what ?! you angrily ask

until….fuck i dont know…..! says the voice

but by then youve turned into the drive

and youre safely home

and youre just a tiny tiny child

so safe in the familys bosom

and good friday

lingers dreamlike seconds slowed down

something you will always remember



56 Responses to “man woman life death infinity”

  1. avatar
    ithaki | 22 April 2011 at 11:34 am #

    Simply bee-autiful… Like you.

  2. avatar
    Ellen | 22 April 2011 at 11:36 am #


  3. avatar
    Worldpeace and a Speedboat | 22 April 2011 at 12:11 pm #

    she sang that life was just a series of Hellos and Goodbyes
    but no-one wants to let her go…

  4. avatar
    Daniel W | 22 April 2011 at 12:21 pm #

    Amen, Steve.

  5. avatar
    Karen | 22 April 2011 at 12:53 pm #

    Another sensitive insightful piece of writing
    no wonder your “adored by a multitude of whores” not that theres anything wrong with margot loved it to

  6. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 22 April 2011 at 1:05 pm #

    Bless everyone this weekend and this holiday. Which means so much more that chocolate bunnies, colored eggs, sugar and dye covered marshmallows. Whomever you believe in or exist with no belief at all, please be safe, healthy, and try to find a stranger in need of your assistance. Take a moment and make another human beings life have meaning and share a part of yourself thru kindness and love. I lost someone close to me at this time of year so long ago and I always honor her by caring for someone with empathy. Because our current civilization and world has been spinning on the axis of apathy for far to long. Please make a difference.

    Bless all of you and enjoy this holiday…

    Darrin K.

    • avatar
      Lisa | 22 April 2011 at 4:17 pm #

      Thank you Darrin – you as well!

  7. avatar
    Richard | 22 April 2011 at 1:23 pm #

    yes, beautiful

  8. avatar
    Cocoamo | 22 April 2011 at 2:00 pm #

    I did hear the voice once – really – back in the days when I puttered in white witchcraft etc., the voice distracted a demon trying to strangle me in my sleep – sounds crazy, but it’s true. I awoke to find my own fingers thankfully releasing their death grip on my throat. That event did scare me out of studying the occult, I will say.

    And my sister heard the voice once when she was in great distress, telling her in a reassuring tone that everything would work out okay.

    So I wonder, I know you write fiction – but have you heard it? And what is it? A manisfestation of our own mind’s self preservation or…what? In all your poetic fantasies, we can’t know what really goes on in your head. Your descriptions seem too vivid to all be make believe.

    And while it is hard to truly believe in anything, it is at such times – when such a life force as your friend departs – that it is doubly hard to believe we can simply cease to exist.

    Your Friend in Pennsylvania
    (Now in Cocoa Beach)

    • avatar
      DavidP | 22 April 2011 at 2:59 pm #

      Sounds like you were in the astral and maybe a spiritual being helped you out and got rid of the negative entity. They can’t hurt you physically, all they can do is attempt to delay, distract and deceive us in the astral. There are ways of getting rid of them ourselves so they don’t pester. Nothing to be afraid of at all, many wonderful experiences are possible.

    • avatar
      Freddie | 22 April 2011 at 10:40 pm #

      Wow, that would scare me too!

    • avatar
      matthias | 25 May 2011 at 3:24 pm #

      odd you mention your experience here, i have had many very VERY similar experiences in my time here. many as a child, the last one was less then a week ago. sometimes i will go without an *event* for years, then i seem to have many over a few months to a year, then nothing for a few more years. i wake paralyzed unable to breath, near the end of 2009 i woke in mid day from a nap to this experience. i could move only my eyes, i can only describe what i saw as to be something like from the movies “Aliens” the creature had something like an exoskeleton, rigid, its spine formed sharp bone like extrusions – spike like structures coming off / out of its back, the knees where on backwards, it had long slender arms so that its hands reached his knees when standing upright, it was tall maybe 9-12 feet in height, it did not have a color i could name, it did not seem concerned with the physical as it moved away from me through my bedroom wall, but i felt it, i felt the crushing weight of pure unbridled despair, despair so think and dark it was as if the air in the room was replaced with black sticky tar. this was in fact the first time i got a glimpse of this “thing” but i have been familiar with its presence since i was a child.

      this “THING” has been presenting itself to me since i was a few years old, only back then it was only followed by a short humanoid looking being standing 3-3’6″ in height who would stand next to my bed and peer into my eyes with a look of pure disgust for me on its face, the its skin-tone was also a color i could not name, damn i wish i could tell this part of, i can see it in my mind but i cant describe it… thing is i never messed around with the occult or any of that, not that i dont find it interesting but after my experiences i really dont want to draw these things attention to myself…

      • avatar
        matthias | 25 May 2011 at 3:56 pm #

        well, i remember telling somebody about my experience about what i saw, he was interested and wanted me to tell him about it in great details, i remember he told me it “sounds like you had a watcher” he explained it to me a bit but that was it, i never tried to look any information up about it until just now and the first page i clicked on had an image of one, i just about fell out of my chair, i had to look away, it totally refreshed those feelings i have been trying to forget about (stupid me for being curious) so yeah there you go, whoever drew that image has seen this thing (the short one tho, not the taller one) and they drew a perfect rendition of one, if you wana take a look for yourself go here,

        i cant even look at that fucking thing, it was hard enough for me just to pull that link for you all, so have fun with that,

  9. avatar
    Melody von Rock | 22 April 2011 at 2:33 pm #

    you’re not meant to eat the chocolates until Sunday! Today you’re meant to eat hot cross buns…… But I guess one never does what one is meant to……

  10. avatar
    princey | 22 April 2011 at 2:45 pm #

    Lovely sk. I hope Margot receives this blog somehow, wherever she may be 🙂

    Happy Easter,
    love Amanda

  11. avatar
    Meghan | 22 April 2011 at 3:03 pm #

    Steve, you and I are having the same kind of day. Inward spirals. Sorry you lost a friend.

  12. avatar
    Jonny Hollywood | 22 April 2011 at 3:27 pm #

    it’s going to be a great friday be cos my employment will be closed for good friday 🙂

  13. avatar
    Lisa | 22 April 2011 at 4:19 pm #

    Lovely writing Steve…

  14. avatar
    DavidP | 22 April 2011 at 4:19 pm #

    the truth is within
    like hidden treasure
    lying in wait to be uncovered
    Jesus once said
    “For he who has not known himself has known nothing, but he who has known himself has at the same time already achieved knowledge about the depth of The All.”
    you wont find that in the bible
    the early church fathers decided in their wisdom that some of Jesus’ own words were heretical and you could be killed for having certain gnostic texts
    horrible & fickle world isn’t it
    what’s changed in 2,010 years?
    except that now we are much better at destroying the planet and ourselves
    Palm Sunday and the world is shouting “Hosanna” to Jesus riding a donkey
    5 days later we are shouting “Crucify him!”
    where is the continuity of purpose?
    he gets murdered as you say and now the world celebrates it with parties?
    “we are series of reactions to external stimulii”
    there’s a clue to the problem
    reactions from bestial instinct and/or from ego
    instead of responding with consciousness, the divine spark within
    it takes every moment god sends to be aware which way we are acting
    wishing you sk and everyone a reflective, quiet & spiritually insightful easter

    • avatar
      Donna | 22 April 2011 at 10:11 pm #

      Hi, Dave! There’s a lot here I’d want to respond to, but will keep it short. After the death of the apostles, there were many so-called “gospels” and epistles floating around, claiming authorship by those who knew Jesus. A lot of these were fakes. That’s the thing about documents…they need to be vouched for by someone, and that someone is the Church. Who’s to say what’s genuine and what’s fake? Jesus prayed that we would all be united(John 17), but from the beginning, there have been conflicting teachings.
      Just a thought…. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Donna

      • avatar
        DavidP | 23 April 2011 at 2:19 pm #

        hello Donna. I agree with your statement “Who’s to say what’s genuine and what’s fake?” There is nothing in the gnostic texts where Jesus is quoted which conflicts with what Jesus says in the bible, it is just a bit more esoteric.
        Here’s another pearl from Jesus –
        “Let him who seeks not cease seeking until he finds, and when he finds he shall be troubled, and when he has been troubled he shall marvel and he shall reign over the totality and find repose.”
        Peace to you Donna.

    • avatar
      Narelle | 23 April 2011 at 1:20 am #

      Hello David
      so much sadness…but tears do dry up now and then…whats changed in 2010 years??? spent the evening at a concert…the State Theatre…don’t plan on seeking out ‘famous dead guitarists and demanding…’…not a party…just music, iconic wonderful musicians
      best wishes

    • avatar
      Mr. Argent | 23 April 2011 at 2:36 am #

      Thanks DavidP for that. I wish this gracious sentience on all, too. We are transitioning amidst some of the greatest distractions in the history of humankind. Be true to your skua.

    • avatar
      eekie | 23 April 2011 at 6:25 am #

      I’m just here (easter) for the chocolate. 😉

  15. avatar
    davem | 22 April 2011 at 4:52 pm #

    What a stunning post.
    After a year of profound loss it’s comforting to reflect on all the good things those we mourn have given. I’m grateful.
    Look after yourself this Easter SK.

  16. avatar
    andy | 22 April 2011 at 8:07 pm #

    and greatly moved.

  17. avatar
    Donna | 22 April 2011 at 10:34 pm #

    Dear Steve,

    There’s so much in this post I care about. I didn’t know Margot (obviously…) but found out quite by chance about her horrible situation. I was appalled. No wonder you hope she’s happy and safe…I do, too.

    You love to ponder these deeper questions of life and death; so do I. It’s not like me to say something neutral and meaningless when so much is at stake. Jesus said we could know the truth, and the truth would set us free. He also said that he is the way, the truth and the life, and no one gets to God except through him. He desires us to put our faith in him in THIS life, and not wait until the next. This isn’t politically correct, I know, but Jesus wasn’t politically correct….after all, the politicians of his time put him to death! No one liked to hear it then, no one likes to hear it now. As C.S. Lewis said, he’s either a lunatic, evil, or God to claim such things. I know you’re a huge fan of C.S. Lewis…you should read Mere Christianity.

    Hey…maybe when I meet God face to face he’ll say, “You were TOTALLY lost”. Alright, then.

    I hope you have a wonderful day, I hope your heart is healing.



    • avatar
      caitbrid | 23 April 2011 at 12:33 pm #

      I love reading your replies, Donna. You’re right–Jesus wasn’t politically correct. I’d like him just for that even if I didn’t believe he was God. I don’t think God will ever say to you that you were totally lost. You sound pretty on track to me. Happy Easter.
      Kathleen in Philly

      • avatar
        Donna | 23 April 2011 at 10:53 pm #

        Thank you, Kathleen. I really appreciate that! Hope you have a wonderful Easter, too! Donna

  18. avatar
    Freddie | 22 April 2011 at 10:36 pm #

    Loved reading your blog today, Beautiful. :^)
    Hop you have a great Easter!

  19. avatar
    through my sails | 22 April 2011 at 11:06 pm #

    humbled, quite time, reflection, guilt trip, break out pictures, better times always, laugh and cry, reach out, god I love them, more everyday, then devastation, learn a lesson, so strong, so moved, tears my heart, a sudden relief, here we go again, time heal wound, the grass is greener, cant please everyone, keep that upper hand, come and go, age of innocence, reality returns, run away, forget about it, keep pain inside, need a release, happy to know, a better place, comfort there, stay awhile.

  20. avatar
    mattyc | 23 April 2011 at 12:47 am #

    so hard to understand hate and persecution
    it stems from ignorance and the manipulation of beliefs i guess
    and, of course, fear
    it’s up to us to realize when we are the mark

    but we hope the same of loved ones passed
    the journey into light
    the end of suffering and the realized potential of their spirit

    inspiring words SK, beautifully phrased and thoughtfully rendered
    thank you for sharing

  21. avatar
    Cecilia | 23 April 2011 at 2:07 am #

    i hope shes just like our margot but without the pain without the fear
    i hope shes just like our margot with strange gorgeous words escaping her lips
    i hope shes just like our margot walking and talking with jesus

    Espero que sea como nuestra margot pero sin el dolor sin el miedo
    Espero que sea como nuestra margot con bellas y raras palabras escapando de sus labios
    Espero que sea como nuestra margot caminando y hablando con jesus

  22. avatar
    Tanya | 23 April 2011 at 2:33 am #

    Beautiful, mystical, amusing & emotional! You truly are a genius with words & wit! Trying to digest the death of a loved one is painful – I hope your self-expression here is helping you – it’s certainly fulfilling for us, your readers. Peace to you.

  23. avatar
    monksphere | 23 April 2011 at 3:47 am #

    It’s funny you mention being part beast in today’s blog cos yesterday I fancied you as a bird, a peacock/hooter hybrid, a peaowl. Margot Smith has gone to get some honest to goodness, well deserved rest and if she enjoyed mahjong she’s no doubt playing with my grandma and Jesus sitting round the table. Good Friday to you and happy Earth Day as well. Thanks for these blogs too, sometimes between their lines one can find truth.

  24. avatar
    cheer hope | 23 April 2011 at 4:18 am #

    hope this cheers you up, just saw Jeff Beck with the Imelda May Band, tribute to Les Paul/Mary Ford, stand up bass, not a strat in the place, they played 28 2:15 minute songs, shuffle right along, now we know where Elvis got his sound, dealing with the devil and the flame of love.

  25. Kraig
    Kraig | 23 April 2011 at 4:50 am #

    Very Beautiful & Wonderfully written thoughts & poetry about Margot, Cosmos, and Everything…thanks Steve for the insights! Makes you wonder…about it all!? God Bless!

  26. Kraig
    Kraig | 23 April 2011 at 4:50 am #

    Gold Bless? LOL, I mean, God Bless & Happy Easter!

  27. avatar
    caitbrid | 23 April 2011 at 12:29 pm #

    I love your Jesus saying that he loved Margot too. Like he loved and mourned his friend Lazarus. I’m sure Margot is at peace now if she suffered so much in this world. Thanks as always for a lovely post. A priest said to me once at Easter when I was having a really bad time, “Leave your sadness in the tomb and walk out of the tomb with Jesus.” I’ll never forget that. I hope you can do that a little bit too.

    XO Kathleen in Philly

  28. avatar
    . | 23 April 2011 at 2:18 pm #

    maybe the ancients lied
    and no matter how hard we try
    we’re still clueless under their absolute sky
    spiritual bondage or eternal life
    the only choices we have, do or die?
    i think not, so myself i have to remind
    that we are progressing and eternal, no lie
    in some form or another throughout infinite time
    grandfather, father, ancestors who are mine
    embrace the arrival of a new creature high on life
    maybe you heard her before, once upon a starry night
    as she sang sweet melodies to the girls and the guys
    glide on blessed one, your essence we shall never deny

  29. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 23 April 2011 at 2:25 pm #

    Thank you Sara,
    I am in therapy for almost a year now, once a week, she is a caring and compassionate doctor and I treasure her dearly. The challenge she has is all the incorrect diagnoses from the magnitude of specialists that I am/have seen. The incorrect interpretation of MRI reports set us back months. My physical disabilities and degenerations are quite complex. I have been on, and drug trialed, enormous amounts of narcotics, SSRI’s, SNRI’s, NSAID’s and to no evail. I, in actuality, have been labled as an individual that all these psychotropic medications will never help, its in my synapses-my DNA, that refuses to accept these toxins and fore side-effects that are so bizarre, like out of a monster movie. I live in Chicago and have a wonderful family, amazing children. Since my injuries and degenerations, all my doctors (except for my therapist) have all but given up and keep me medicated on pain killers till something new, hopefully, comes along. And here is the kicker, and may startle some of you, I was in-patient for 28 days in October of 2009, because of an extreme negative response to medications (SSRI’s), I was catatonic and adrift. Somehow, in that lost mental state and physical deteriation, they managed to ECT me 5 times in 10 days. I have severe memory loss prior and cognitive difficulties since. I forgot that I wore glasses and have huge memory holes from as far back as childhood. For those who do not know what ECT is, they fuckn electricuted my brain for 5-10 seconds to cause a seizure. They, for no specific proven documentation, believe it ‘reboots’ the brain. Than the assails doctors release me from my hospital prison with ‘cousins’ of the same fuckn drugs that put me in there in the first place. Brilliant !!!!

    So…thank you Sara, thank you for being compassionate enough to respond to my blog entry and bless you and everyone you come in contact with. When someone becomes trapped alone with their chronic pain and lives with major depression, and still tries to live each day. I become more and more thankful for people like you. And many others out here on this blog site who truly are the definition of compassion.

    Darrin K.

  30. avatar
    bionicanna | 23 April 2011 at 8:24 pm #

    beautiful words for a beautiful lady. i have to believe that she is soaking them in.

  31. avatar
    Matthew | 23 April 2011 at 11:57 pm #

    Donna – you expressed so many things so beautifully there. Thanks!

    • avatar
      Donna | 25 April 2011 at 12:48 am #

      Hey, thanks! I checked out your Facebook page…nice!!

  32. avatar
    Once | 24 April 2011 at 4:30 am #

    Robert Burney, on Truth –

    “Truth, in my understanding, is not an intellectual concept. I believe that Truth is an emotional energy, vibrational communication to my consciousness, to my soul/spirit – my being, from my Soul. Truth is an emotion, something that I feel within.

    It is that feeling within when someone says, or writes, or sings, something in just the right words so that I suddenly feel a deeper understanding…it is the feeling of something resonating within me. The feeling of remembering something that I had forgotten – but do not remember ever knowing.”


  33. avatar
    Lisa Lisa | 24 April 2011 at 5:46 pm #

    My heartfelt condolences SK.
    I remember having Sleeping with the Lion playing on high rotation when I lived in Fremantle in the early 90’s. I loved the darkness and loveliness of Margot’s voice.
    So sorry for your loss.

  34. avatar
    hellbound heart | 24 April 2011 at 8:15 pm #

    blessings to you and your loved ones, Steve….

  35. avatar
    rob | 25 April 2011 at 6:42 pm #

    For what it’s worth, in my conversations with my dearly departed, they tell me that the time between now and the time that I join them, from their perspective, is less than the time it took you to read this note.

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 25 April 2011 at 7:00 pm #

      now this is the kind of thing that interests me…
      you talk to your dearly departed
      tell us more….please….

  36. avatar
    Meg Manestar | 6 May 2011 at 12:27 pm #

    Time doesn’t exist there as we know it…that’s what I find so strange about this universe… Time and decay.

  37. avatar
    Paige | 8 May 2011 at 4:12 am #

    I lost my best friend to excruciating goddamn cancer on April 20. Another friend lost her son, her 33 year old beautiful oldest son, on April 21. I sat at Good Friday Mass with them and Margot on my mind. Trying to see their suffering, and mine, united with Christ’s broken and bleeding body. Cried most way through Mass. Wiped tears on Jesus’ wooden feet when I venerated the cross.

    And then, Easter Vigil Mass…pure magic. Every year, we sit in darkness waiting Christ’s resurrected light. Candle lit in a fire outside processes in. The congregations candles lit one by one until a warm glow encompasses us. Did I expect the joy? No. But it came. Mercifully, my heart was opened to the mystery of Christ’s Passover from death to life. And with that joy, hope and peace.

    So yeah…my Jill, Andonia’s Ryan, your Margot…united with the Divine. Out of reach of all the trials and pain and ugliness. But it still seems damn unfair.

    I’m on my way to Asheville, NC for Jill’s memorial right now. A celebration of the shining star she was. Death and life…the old game.

    Best wishes, SK.

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