posted on March 7, 2007 at 12:43 am

i was thinking
yeah well we all were
but anyway
i was thinking
trying to dive into the dark depths of my mind
some leviathans down there
huge dark things
strange things moving in those depths
how to reach them
to see them
to see all the inaccessible knowledge
whats going on in those rooms i cant get into
whose in there
does my muse live in these rooms
or does she leave me at night and travel to a star
do i remember everything
and are some of these memories
in some storage place in deep mind
all the stuff ya dont really need to remember
but its still there somewhere
i admit to ya my dark shadow
always just outta sight
but threatening
and inducing anxiety
out of thin air
boy when i was getting off the gear
that dark shadow become an omnipresent blackness
now im a moody kinda idiot i guess
and i have a good working knowledge of sadness, melancholia
sweet disappointment even misery and despair
but getting off the gear makes these emotions seem
like elation
i aint talking the physical stuff
im just talking about this total smothering depression
a negative emptiness
until your endorphins start slowly to ooze out
again into yer system
but until then
you aint got the chemistry for feeling good
which is another reason my miraculous and only total contact
with you know Who
is doubly authentic
actually its authenticity is not in doubt
experiences with god
are hyperauthentic
they make this day to day
seem like a faded watercolour of real life
a facsimile transmission of actual life
so chemicaless i was
no serotonin
no endorphs
no fucking nothing
when i would try to walk
my sinews would cry out
my joints would grind merciless on each other
my bones ached from the marrow out
it took me 3 minutes to hobble up stairs
that i would bound up now
but due to regular ingestion of opiates
which were analogs
of these self made drugs
my body had stopped production
and theres a bit of a gap before production starts up again
in my case about 6 weeks before its any more than a trickle
after six weeks of insomnia i reclaimed sleep
one minute at a time
i longed for sleep so much i longed for death
for a chance to get out out of my nausea wracked
bile vomiting
sweating
freezing
boiling
energyless
tired
anxious
depressed
hopeless
an agony a human can only just bear
except for that night i couldnt bear it
and i know i told you about this
but
my prayer was
as i lay down in the surrendering posture
of the child
my prayer was
lord god
they say that you never dish out
more than someone can take
and i cant take this
ive completely fucked up
i cannot manage my life
nor do i feel i can continue on
for one more second in this condition
i implore you now to help me
now i wasnt expecting any real results
actually i was beyond expectations
my rational mind was defeated by the remorseless attack
that junk withdrawals hit me with on all fronts
with no sleep there was no escape from the pain
my fiendss a broken arm in 3 places
and a resetting
are but a pinch
compared to the desolate wasteland of agony
that is withdrawal
thats why all them prostitoots are still out there selling themselves
thats why all them thieves are creeping in n stealing yer dvd player
thats why guys are hocking their guitars n microphones
and then studios n houses
and their families
and then their freedom
because that wasteland of pain takes about six weeks of torture
and after that a hard tedious tiring struggle for a year or so
but lets see
im lying there in exodus in la
on the floor of my tiny room
my room mate is the tall blonde dutch guy
the bass player martine le noble
a truly lovely man trying to stay off the stuff
any way i say to him
its the middle of the night
we both awake
mind if i do some yoga
he says not at all its ok
so i struggle out of bed
to say you have no energy doesnt do justice to this feeling
drained of every bit of power
you are an empty hulk struggling just to move
of course i couldnt do any yoga pose but
the pose of the child
kinda like moslems praying
a position of surrender and suppliance
and i surrendered
sweet surrender baybee
i have never ever surrendered like this
before or since
just rolled over
given in
handed the wheel over
said look
im totally ruined
declared my self bankrupt
now i need you
and i guess
i approached it like a child
calling my parents
sadly bewilderedly beseechingly
i aint going
hey vishnu hey god
if youre there you better appear
lets see what you can do for me now
no no no
and of course
this wasnt happening in these verbal terms i use here
anyway whatever it was
the deep sincerity of my spiritual howl of excruciation
my real human need for help
my submission like a child
something rolled back in my head
and the omnipresent
almost liquid thing that permeates everywhere
it is allowed and welcome to go
but my head had been made that way
and then as a child
it had been sealed up godproof
it was godtight
and god could not flow in
but something i did that night
something that the circumstances were right for
my desperation
my total surrender
this removed the barrier
and god flowed
god filled each junk sick screaming cell
with a shot of healing you couldnt describe
my body felt supple youthful painless
it all disappeared just like it does when ya shoot heroin
but only this time id been off the stuff 3 weeks or so
i hadnt even eaten any thing
i had trouble keeping down a glass of water
i hobbled about in a pair of pyjamas
i didnt even remember who my friends were
when they rang all the way from australia
to see how i was
i was a shadow of my former self
a shadow of a shadow
so i gave in
there was not even a fraction of some ego saying
hey i know what im doing
no
that guy had jumped ship
i mean he started coming back the moment god arrived
and as he filled up the chamber
he squeezed god back out
or god became so bored with his prattle n tripe
that god just upped n left
but i tell ya
when god flowed into me
especially as low as i was
it was real
it was delicious
it was white light
it was warm and opiated
it was an enveloping comfort
it was not elation or euphoria
just a lovely calm feeeling of well being
of satisfaction
of content
there was no doubt that only god could have done this
how else was i suddenly healed
i stood up refreshed
i lay down on my bed
and i drifted off for about half an hour of sleep
and a lucid dream of krsna and i
walking talking
my friends it was BLISS!
but my compartment is sealed over now
i mean i still believe in god
but i havent succeeded in getting it to flow
its a subtle arcane n ancient art
a bit like astral travel
or mind reading
or levitation
we all have the ability
some more than others
but the art itself is hard to master
easy to become dejected
takes devotion n dedication
it may take years n years n years
yoga helps
you wonder why i am rejuvenated
why i can really sing now instead of pretend
yoga
and yoga is yoking to god
and qi gong is learning to suck that energy outta the thin air
and meditation is stilling your mind
so it can hear something else whispering
so you could say i dont believe in god
i actually had an experience so now i know
god flowed baby god flowed
soothing forgiving embracing
this god who filled me could never be angry
and i knew i wasnt getting the full thing
i mean he wasnt giving me the total fill
he was just healing me a little
coming to my side during a dark night when i was troubled
i didnt getting illumination beyond belief
i didnt know the answers
except the ubiquitous “everythings ok”
and baby thats enough
that everythings ok
dont panic
dont get nasty
dont get impatient
everythings alright
and youre ready for god
when you really need god
god ll be there
or i’ ll gladly refund yer subscription

52 Responses to “mystery tramp”

  1. avatar
    kat | 7 March 2007 at 2:31 am #

    sk,

    reading this made my night. thank you for sharing.

    ;]

  2. avatar
    the dean | 7 March 2007 at 2:44 am #

    Do you believe that god is a separate being like the major religions preach ?

  3. avatar
    veleska1970 | 7 March 2007 at 2:47 am #

    yes, steve. God is there. He always has been.

    you’re an inspiration, steve. truly awesome.

    lotza love….

  4. avatar
    namaste | 7 March 2007 at 3:01 am #

    epiphany – one of my favourite words and my greatest experience.

    I believe and I know. but I feel like a cheater cause my faith isnt blind, its been my experience. think that makes it easier for me and hard work for the doubters.

    nothing like a disgusting detox to open things right up hey!

  5. avatar
    ZORRO 10-15 | 7 March 2007 at 3:05 am #

    AMEN SHAMEN, NEVER DID THE JUNK BUT BEEN IN SOME FUNK, AND HE PLAYED AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER WHEN I COULDN’T SEE THE RUNWAY IN A STORM, GOD BLESS, BLOGGE BLISS, BEST ONE IN A WHILE AMIGO.

  6. avatar
    shawn_el | 7 March 2007 at 3:09 am #

    SK – when did you get clean? This is something I’ve been wondering ever since you started blogging about it.
    Or will I have to wait for Lurie’s bio to find this out?

  7. avatar
    rachel | 7 March 2007 at 3:20 am #

    beautiful, steve

    i needed that!
    thanks.

  8. avatar
    Celticat | 7 March 2007 at 3:24 am #

    amen brother

    Love to u

  9. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 3:42 am #

    Was going to give a review of Mon nite at the Basement but now I can’t be bothered. If you guys are so up yourselves now after the Pretenders, I hate to think what you’ll be like after your o’seas tour. Are you too important to say hello to your fans now? I really wanted to tell you about a dream I had about you (a prophesy?) but you shot off like a rocket. I hope you got the card from me & t. Therese put a lot of thought into that. I’ve been so upset.

    I know what you’re going to say – you owe us nothing. But I’ve loved and supported you for a long time.

    Lady Di

  10. avatar
    Noel Christian | 7 March 2007 at 3:51 am #

    Thanks Steve.

    You have mail (@ myspace).

  11. avatar
    Symon | 7 March 2007 at 3:56 am #

    “i admit to ya my dark shadow
    always just outta sight”

    hey Steve..so you’ve seen your shadow too…do you talk much. It helps to talk with him…. he holds the balance of power, so to ignore him just makes him angry from what I’ve experienced.

    Sometimes I hear my Shadow rattling the cage because I’ve been ignoring him…don’t ever stop talking with him Steve because he is destructive.

    Read this…listen to that…I’m sure you’re sick of hearing that by now….but Peter Gabriel has seen his shadow too…just like you and me. He wrote about his shadow in “Darkness” on UP.

    “Darkness” is powerful. When I heard it for the first time I cried….because I didn’t feel so frightened anymore. Someone else had met their Shadow. It helped me understand…maybe it might touch you…..maybe.

    “..the deeper I go…the darker it gets”…what Peter Gabriel finds in the house in the woods is amazing and shocking at the same time.

    SK…its inspiring to me that you can write about meeting, knowing and dealing with your Shadow..that takes some sort of courage. A special sort of courage.

    Hey Shadow…meet Steve…you’ll really like him.

    “Will I”.

    Yes..you will. He understands us both, cos he has met his Shadow.

    “Wow…another enlightened being…I like him already”

  12. avatar
    syrinx | 7 March 2007 at 4:07 am #

    The opening two lines of this blog tonight, they made me laugh aloud for the first time since I woke. Not that the day was bad – it has been wonderful, actually – but nothing made me laugh with sound until:

    “i was thinking
    yeah we all were”

    Then I read on and started crying. A hundred questions, sixty-two statements and about a dozen parallels. But I need to go deal with that on my own.

    Thank you so much for the gift of this blog today. I bow my head, sir.

  13. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 7 March 2007 at 4:28 am #

    God is in each and every one of us, haha…
    Ne iko

  14. avatar
    Cita | 7 March 2007 at 4:32 am #

    Wow. I don’t know what to say. Tears came to my eyes. I feel so grateful and humble to be able to read your most sacred thoughts. Wow. I still don’t quite know what to say.
    Your words touch the profound entity present in all of us. There is nothing else to say except…Thankyou for your wisdom, truth and love.

  15. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 4:38 am #

    Very moving blog today from someone who not just believes but actually knows. Thank you for sharing, Steve. It makes my life more bearable.

  16. avatar
    Mark | 7 March 2007 at 4:43 am #

    Dear Mr. Kilbey,
    A very nice blog.
    Thank you.

    Mark

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 6:39 am #

    Yeah it’s a bad trip. All you need is the strength of love from others and dare i say it of yourself. Youre head thoughts can get deliriously derranged and it’s like a trap. Got to have some innocent goal that you haven’t achieved to aim at, that can help. Or a strong strong memory of innocent bliss or being either before and WITHOUT that alkaloid so you remember you can be fine without it. It’s like orgasm, we were fine for say..ummm 15 odd years before we got hooked on that old fizzer.

  18. avatar
    Centuryhouse | 7 March 2007 at 6:52 am #

    Steve, what a powerful bit of writing that was! It was moving and informative to read your experience. I have to wonder if anyone or anything is out there, and who or what it is…

    BTW, you know I’m no ‘follower’ or ‘yes man’ but thought I’d let you know…I’ve been MEAT-FREE since your blog about it a few weeks ago. I didn’t do it to please you, but your words about it were true and persuasive. I knew it already and needed the bump to get me there.

    Daniel W.

  19. avatar
    verdelay | 7 March 2007 at 7:53 am #

    Far below the radiant sky
    The skiffs and caravals ply an ambient ocean
    There’s spray and salt and dolphins
    Nets and gulls and men
    And below
    The shimmering shoals
    The waving kelpine forest
    Hunters and hunted
    Seals and eels and whales
    And below that
    The shelf falls away
    The big fish swish
    The sharks and old man octopus
    Lurk and unthink
    And below that
    The sun barely penetrates
    Light is squeezed out
    And things are getting heavy, cold and weird
    And below that
    Falling things seem suspended
    Darkness and black, thick cold
    The first of the giant squid moves without moving
    And below that
    The place the squid fears
    Total black
    Jelly things contort
    And matter drifts on down
    And below that
    A vast atmosphere of absence
    Where there is nothing
    Nothing at all
    Except fragments slowly aching down, down
    And below that
    The realm of leviathan
    Deep trench
    Behemoth
    Fear itself
    And below that
    Crushed bones
    Blanched and eaten
    Sediment gathers
    The wreck of the Argo
    And below that
    The white surface
    This could be the moon
    If only there were sun
    And below that
    The sediment gets denser
    Matter accumulates crushes
    Down, down, down
    The lair of the white worm
    And below that
    The matter thickens
    And is solid
    Bedrock is reached and is wrenched
    Rock bottom
    Magma hot and black chemical spumes
    Where unthinkable creatures manifest
    The very edge of dreams
    And below that
    Fiery furnaces of sulphur and obsidian
    The Derkesthai, Gorgoneion, Mandragora
    Consume time
    And below that
    A golden crust
    Eggshell thin
    Where matter and time has ceased to accumulate
    Where all things have their end
    You cannot go below that
    Unless you break through
    And to break through
    Would cost you a thousand thousand years
    But when you break through
    When your labour is done
    When the shell finally cracks
    And you clutch your little fingers through the hairlines
    And tear at the edges
    And haul your petty body through the fissures you’ve contrived
    You finally make it down to the very, very bottom of all things
    The place where it all began, and where you will have your end

    Sky

  20. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 7:56 am #

    Thankyou so much for that…each line reverberated deeply. I have had a great affinity with you for a long time.
    But…
    My body is still opiate-filled. I have known the horrors, but never come out the other side.
    I may yet have what it takes.
    You are a profound inspiration.

    ce

  21. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 9:13 am #

    Harrowing in the depths but strangely beautiful in the hope.
    But if God wouldn’t get off his arse for Jesus, why would he even glance in my direction?

  22. avatar
    isolde | 7 March 2007 at 9:51 am #

    anon 8.13 we are all jesus “oh my god why have you forsaken me?”

    because mortification of the flesh releases the spirit

    by not getting off his arse god/life lets us suffer, puts us through the furnace of mortal pain so we can start to really live … if we are lucky enough to survive whatever hellishness has befallen us

    lady di where were you honey? sk was out on stage meeting folk after the basement show, and real sweet he was too

  23. avatar
    steve kilbey | 7 March 2007 at 9:57 am #

    lad di
    my babysitter turned into a pumpkin at midnite
    thats why the hurry
    sk

  24. avatar
    persephone2u | 7 March 2007 at 9:59 am #

    Don’t know what it is about ya, sir steve, but you always seem to write things like this just when I need to read them the most.

    Still completely flabbergasted and amazed that you went through what you did and came out the other side. And reading of your harrowing account of the physical pain you went through makes the morning sickness I’m going through right now seem like a walk in the park. So between your words and re-reading the chronicles of narnia for the zillionth time I feel a lot better.

  25. avatar
    fantasticandy | 7 March 2007 at 10:54 am #

    steve,
    for such a talented person,
    you show remarkable humillity,
    and have great respect and genuine,
    love for all that offer theirs to you.
    i am sure this is a very rare thing in our world today.
    may peace, contentment and fulfilment come your way in great abundence my brother!
    andy L.

  26. avatar
    damien | 7 March 2007 at 11:22 am #

    Your description of withdrawal is harrowing, Steve.

    I’d like to know the circumstances that lead you into heroin addiction in the first place.

    It has always puzzled me.

  27. avatar
    i need help | 7 March 2007 at 11:26 am #

    but god doesnt help me, maybe he was too busy helping you……….. YOU helped yourself. GOD was created by the same men who enslaved animals to be butchered for food. The beauty , the strength…. is there with out god….. don’t be a fool…..

  28. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 11:51 am #

    Steve, I cried and was moved. You experienced the grace of God. Did you like the NASA pic? If you haven’t checked your emails, take a look. Sleep well, Kate

  29. avatar
    Samosanx | 7 March 2007 at 11:54 am #

    hey, i need help (10:26pm); I also have problems with the word “god”, especially the sexing of “him”….., but I understand the moment that Steven speaks of, and the concept of surrender(and too often forget it)and of a caring spiritual universe. Check out Joseph Campbell and perhaps you will see that this “god” is just a word for the spirit of the universe, which consists of us human beings, amongst other things.

    Sweet, SK

  30. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 12:07 pm #

    A really wonderful one, love it..!

    And yet I still believe God is a memory of the Mother’s presence from early infancy..! : D

  31. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 12:58 pm #

    Dude, I wish I was a fucking billionaire, I’d send you a quarter just for your brutal honesty.

    Honestly.

    Where ARE all the men like you!?
    argh!

  32. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 1:03 pm #

    Thank you.

  33. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 1:09 pm #

    You are needed here.

    thank you

    and there.

    + probably over there too.

  34. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 1:11 pm #

    rawr!

    mWah

    xo

  35. avatar
    indigoruby | 7 March 2007 at 1:20 pm #

    Reading what you went through before the surrender you describe made me wonder what it was that kept you alive up to that point.

    Em

  36. avatar
    captainmission | 7 March 2007 at 1:38 pm #

    humility is a beautiful thing, that was a very powerful blog steve and words sometimes just can’t cut it when responding but i am so glad you are around as a conduit for gods creative expression, what a wonderful mission you have and how lucky we are to witness it. hold yr head up high man, you got blessed.

    was there a little joy division sneaking in the other night, i’m sure i heard a couple o lines…..?

  37. avatar
    restaurant mark | 7 March 2007 at 1:50 pm #

    that was inspiring steve…one of your best, i think. beautifully written. it should be required reading for others trying or wanting to come off the stuff. you should be proud of yourself for making the turn around you did…some never come back from it…can’t make it through that night you wrote about. couldn’t open themselves to the energy. i’m proud of you. you know that stubborn virgo mind may be part of the reason you got so deep on the junk to begin with, but it also may have had a part in what got you off of it. take care man.

  38. avatar
    JJB | 7 March 2007 at 1:55 pm #

    Thnaks you thank you thank you

  39. avatar
    Leelinau | 7 March 2007 at 2:00 pm #

    Miigwetch.

  40. avatar
    Trickster | 7 March 2007 at 2:40 pm #

    you’ve inspired me to write a poem:

    AH!

    MEN?

  41. avatar
    John Garratt | 7 March 2007 at 3:24 pm #

    Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

  42. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 3:31 pm #

    Listen,
    Jesus genuinely believed that God was going to intervene in our world and institute the kingdom of heaven upon the earth. Hence his cry on the cross when it didn’t happen.
    Mortification of the flesh is theological mummery that Jesus himself would not have recognised or entertained.

  43. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 3:47 pm #

    I like God because he’s a constant when everything else changes, and he might well be around for me forever. Spirituality protects me from the negative power of the masses of stupid people around me. I lost the connection with spirituality while at university, which was kind of anti spiritual power, and more interested in mundane/ political power. They’re on a so-called rational kick, which tries to con you that if you can’t see and touch something it doesn’t exist. This is a lie. There’s more to life than quantifiable matter. This anti-spiritual take on things was a negative and degrading influence on my life. My behaviour and self-respect went down the toilet, and I was depressed for more than a decade. I know these political types get a good hold on many university grads, and they end believing whatever the ABC or JJJ or any other government-backed institution tells them, but it’s a false wisdom they’re programming people with. It’s purely for political control, to get you in their power, while telling you you’re cool and smart. It’s really slavery. I’d never read the Bible even though I went to a Catholic school. I started reading the New Testament about two years ago. My thinking turned a corner and I shook a lot of self-imposed demons of darkness. I’m not a manic depressive, I don’t think. I just used to see things in a terribly bleak way. When I started reading the New Testament my thinking improved markedly. Jesus’s attitude to things just made such great sense. It was almost funny, it was so pure and just blew away all the nonsense people go on with today, too. And it protects you from slavery to these other parasites. Things aren’t perfect yet, but it’s getting better with God and spirituality on my side. Turn the tap on to God (but watch out for cults and con artists who just want your money). Leonard.

  44. avatar
    verdelay | 7 March 2007 at 3:57 pm #

    Apologies for my last post
    Trying to be all profound and express the ineffable (and shit)
    But came across as kilbee-lite

    Bad form

    As for the feargear, I seen several souls ruined or removed, and only one I know came out stronger better wiser.

    But remember kids – this ain’t about the drooogs: only we (or the archdude bankrolling this whole shebang) can generate the tone – all the drooogs can do is apply filters, oscillators, envelopes etc., if you dig my glitzy synth metaphor.

    (…or how bout – drooogs don’t create the light, they only reflect, colour or magnify it, like a crystal lens (man)…oh, and aren’t unicorns sweet, too?)

    We all got rock bottom in us (we’re painted on it), don’t need no drooogs to hit it; and avoiding the drooogs ain’t gonna save us from it. The mechanism comes wired-in.

    It’s called

    D
    E
    S
    I
    R
    E

    How was that? Julian Cope-lite?

    sigh…

  45. avatar
    eek | 7 March 2007 at 4:36 pm #

    I’m glad you made it through, SK. And I’m glad you are the person you are now.

  46. avatar
    craig1.618 | 7 March 2007 at 4:48 pm #

    flowing like filaments down the meridian into a microcosmic orbit…….i occasionally get to do this in my dreams…….i feel the energy throughout me and “swoooosh”………the blanket across the room comes flying toward me…….or i’m standing somewhere and i start “charging” and i suddenly start to lift off the ground……..being careful not to lose the connection lest i fall back to the ground……..if only i could bring those things around when i’m awake in this reality……that would be something……..perhaps i should start tai chi or qi gong myself…….or perhaps “one day i’ll just ascend and they’ll pretend i went away”

  47. avatar
    CSTCoach | 7 March 2007 at 6:40 pm #

    what an incredible experience. i’m glad that you came through it safely. it seems to have coincided with a deepening of your work (if i’m guessing my time periods correctly). things seem more connected, to flow more naturally, to tap in.

    i’ve never been religious, but did get pretty new age-y for a while. until i entered a phase of bitterness and cynicism.

    but i did have an experience once of the dark night of the soul, when everything had fallen apart, i couldn’t see the future at all, and i had no idea how i would cope. i won’t clutter up the blog with a long winded story, but i woke with a feeling of radiance such as you describe. and that day or one close to it, i asked “the universe” for a sign and saw something very strange, something that seemed directed at me and that no one who was passing by seemed to take notice of.

    i pull that memory out and think about it whenever my cynicism starts to take over.

    thanks for sharing such a personal experience, druid.

    ryan

  48. avatar
    gareth,notts | 7 March 2007 at 7:33 pm #

    WOW! this is essential reading,your blogs on vegetarianism,drugs/God should be made into leaflets and handed out much more powerful and persuasive than any other arguments for/against any of the aforementioned subjects,i’ve ever heard! p.s. sky 6.53 more essential reading! great stuff!

  49. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 March 2007 at 11:37 pm #

    I’m on the fence about ‘god’…. but
    ….I had a mystical experience once…

    coming back home from years of backpackin n squating, dusty adventures and topical madness…
    I was on the plane and I was thinking about how I had absolutely NO prospects or plans for when I got back, nothin, I was a bit worried.. so I asked, no one in particular, to give me a sign that everything will be OK….about half an hour later I was compelled to go up the back of the 747, you know those little windows in the back door, I looked out into the lovely clear stary sky (UTMW?), up at 29,0000 feet..and there right in front of me a huge, clear shooting star..niicee, I thought.
    I go back to my seat and to make a long story short…over the next couple hours it happened,
    2 MORE TIMES!
    Well I took it as sign, an answer to my question… I can’t explain it, I DID experience it, maybe coincidence but I WAS compelled to get up each time…and the thing is…. everything HAS been OK.

    I love when you write about smack. It’s rare to get real insights from the “inside”. Smack is so appealing because it removes all pain but the payback is total horror and all from a lovely poppy…

    Although I do think that it wasn’t ‘GOD’
    but a deeper part of yourself
    that you managed to draw upon.
    You do say that you had nothing left to give but I think your selling yourself short
    by giving ‘GOD’ the credit.
    …. It WAS your experience and a common one for junkies..how many born again ex junkies have you met?…but then I think about my own mystical experiences and am left wonderin..
    PV

  50. avatar
    PAGEY | 8 March 2007 at 12:24 am #

    Thanks for sharing that. Also some great comments here. I have battled too and it was only God that could lift me out of the shambles of what my life had become. Drugs sure cut you off from your higher self after not too long. The dopamine rush doesn’t go on forever. Your eventually lost in a hell. Real hell. God bless.

    52 days now.
    GJP

  51. avatar
    william | 8 March 2007 at 5:11 am #

    Steve,

    Very, very moving — and very intense. I’m glad you got through all of that. I mean obviously you did more than just get through. I’m just glad your ok.

    –william

  52. avatar
    Belfrank | 9 March 2007 at 12:42 am #

    SK my friend – you make it all so real – and I know you aren’t making it up either – esp the bit about God.
    Talk to you soon – you’ve been warned.

    Belfy


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