posted on February 2, 2012 at 4:26 pm

obstacle rays

who do i write for anymore…. i’ve lost track….?

its hot its cold

its raining

i feel a great despondency come down

big things little things obvious things subtle things

when youre outta whack youre outta whack

i cant get in alignment

i am cursed i am blessed

but the 2 things keep racing apart

pulling me apart

is this what they refer to as catharsis…?

the only problem in my life is people

remove the people and ive got a clean run

but everything becomes an obstacle

like when you run up a seesaw

and suddenly you start running down instead

i say the universe is a joker and the jokes on us

again i am reminded of jonah and the whale

i am running running running away from something

and something else (god?) doesnt want me to run away…

but then i dont know where i am running away from…..

you will recall jonah the prophet was sent to nineveh

to rail against its wickedness

jehovah was none too impressed with the general carry-on there

he sends his man jonah in to read the king of niv the riot act

but jonah just wants a quiet life

fuck i dont wanna go to nineveh…

he groans in aramaic (or whatever it was)

so the disobedient fellow jumps on board a ship bound for joppa

tho he already knew in his heart of hearts escape was not possible

you cannot escape fate destiny god or things of this elusive but powerful nature

somewhere inside me i am aware of what it is

but i cant put my finger on it

however nothing will be smooth until i get it right

so we imagine our jonah on that boat to joppa

his head and heart arguing

just like mine which argue constantly

you see somehow out of this i pull a lotta stuff

but its tiring and there must be other ways

jonah however was in union with jehovah

he was yoked up as they might say in yoga

he knew what he had to do

but it was a rotten job

imagine some wild lawless godless city in the desert

what kind of reception would a guy like him get there….?

“listen you lot …no more sinning……..ok….?!”

who wants that gig…..?

in some foreign town , a kinda forerunner to babylon

he was sposed to tell the king off…imagine that….!

anyway for a few miles maybe the voyage was pleasant

but there were some nasty dark clouds gathering on the horizon

i wonder if he twigged straight away…

did he think …nah…….its just a storm….its nothin’ to do with me…

and when the first raindrop hit his face did he then realise….?

as the storm got worse n worse

he began to tell the sailors it was all his fault

they should throw him overboard

well the sailors werent all bad in those days

at first they didnt want to chuck him off their boat

they musta thought jonah had some real delusions of grandeur

eventually tho when it got really rough

when the next wave might sink the boat

they hurled the hapless prophet into the brine

oh such release

drowning in cold clear water

they say after you have accepted it it is quite a rapture

(but how can you believe what anybody says about things like that…?)

anyway i guess jonah hoped he’d drown and enter some blissful nonexistence

somewhere where no one was looking for him

expecting him to do this n that…..

jesus nineveh must have been quite the place

this cat jonah would really rather not go there

and just when he’s ready to inhale that water and let go

well you all know as well as i do

a great fish swallowed him whole

a severely unpleasant experience one would imagine

deep in some stinking aquatic belly

avoiding the digestive juices etc

you see how much easier it would have been to just have gone?

anyway nevermind all that

the lesson is you cant go against the grain

like a huge edifice with one brick in the wrong place could easily topple

but i am human and more so than most (whatever that means)

the angers that inflame me glow and crackle awaiting reignition

i swell up in pointless burning heat

i cool down in a pile of ash

then chuck me off the boat i dont know where i’m going

which god wants me to do what

or am i confused ….no divine errand i must run…..?

did anybody command me to write songs n make people happy?

i dunno …i waver between wild atheistic doubt and moments of theistic glory

or plonked down in the middle heeding every voice but not getting anywhere

well thats the price you pay i guess for tuning in

some times you get every station and you cant tell them apart

are any of those voices more substantial

than some bruised little ego or id whimpering and fuming

in the safe blackness of my mind…?

this my friends is called existential angst

sartre wrote about it in nausea

have any of ya read that book…..?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

48 Responses to “non sequitur”

  1. avatar
    Linjo | 2 February 2012 at 5:02 pm #

    Haha yeah remove the people and you have no problems! My life is a lot less complicated since I have done this and rely mainly on family, books and tele for entertainment. Jonah and the Whale? pft. You are only having us on xxx

  2. avatar
    Andrew | 2 February 2012 at 5:51 pm #

    Nice little story, right let’s get back to reality

  3. avatar
    andy | 2 February 2012 at 6:17 pm #

    your burden….by dint of god
    becomes transmogrified into our delight.
    ….and i love ya and bless ya for that.
    have a nice day kilbs,
    it can’t rain all the time eh?
    bests,
    andy.

  4. avatar
    colette | 2 February 2012 at 6:27 pm #

    Yes, in French or was it L’enfance d’un chef? Anyway, reading it in French was nauseatingly difficult. I might try it in English, but then … whatever.

  5. avatar
    anonymous | 2 February 2012 at 7:36 pm #

    I’m having a day off from my existential angst but if I read Sartre again (long time ago now) I am sure my being would wake to the pain very quickly…
    You can’t permanently resolve the tension while you are functionally alive but maybe that’s the point, to find a way to live with it, to accept that it is what it is, make room for it to exist instead of wishing it gone – make some space without judgment, unhand it. Unhand it. And stop trying to control everything, stop trying to stifle the process you don’t understand, make room for the unknown.
    With acceptance comes expansion – can’t remember who said that?
    When I feel my version of what you describe I feel claustrophobic and crave more space, in my mind, my heart, all around me. But I always forget that when I allow space for the conflict and confusion to be there inside me then I feel bigger instead of smaller and I am given more space…
    Maybe an alchemist, an epiphany, or an explosive revelation will arrive if the tension heats up enough.
    Maybe things need to change in your life – it can be simple but brutal sometimes.
    Maybe you need to create the life you want instead of damning the life you have. Maybe you need some vision for something better, to plant some seeds for something better.
    You have to decide what you want. Oh it all sounds so easy in words.
    I think I’m talking to myself…
    I do like it that you are more fucked up than me – it is comforting and real in the nicest way. I can’t find much that is authentic at the moment… maybe that’s why I am here.

  6. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 2 February 2012 at 8:10 pm #

    Maybe we all have become to restless with the slow melodic nature of the world around us. We used tomarvel at its ‘speed’ – now it feels like apathy has become the norm and it is the great obstacle in many of our paths. We require the need for the pieces to fit together in such a manner that the simplistic nature that we see life in, is actual so complicated for others. And now the complications have spilled over and we find ourselves drifting along with the wake that is /has become apathetic in replace of simplicity. Its not complications that trouble us, we attack obstacles with forthwith splendor- NO…its those who move, act/react in such a way that pressures us with more burdens.
    Life was actual meant to be simplier than this- its people who have chosen to complicate it. Why??? Hell if I know- maybe its because it gives them all a purpose: to sit in the way, the way of progress and completion.

    Az
    Dazza
    Always iz

    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 2 February 2012 at 8:14 pm #

      Or hell…maybe its the telly you seem to be ‘peering out from inside’ in todays pic. Maybe we long for a 2 dimensional world and this 3D universe is all to all- consuming, all surrounding all it becomes to difficult to breathe…as if we feel we are being smothered.

      Darrin

  7. avatar
    Ryan | 2 February 2012 at 8:11 pm #

    >who do i write for anymore…. i’ve lost track….?

    me, for one! jeez, what else would i read every morning. surely not the fucking Times of Malta!

    yeah, read Nausea when i was living in tokyo. and camus and a bunch of other existential stuff. i like that sorta thing.

  8. avatar
    princey | 2 February 2012 at 9:12 pm #

    Once you move into your new home, settle down, everything will become clear and you’ll feel happier…right? 🙂

  9. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 2 February 2012 at 9:43 pm #

    As written and evolved –
    Abstract Observation 020212

    If you sat there and thought you could
    stop the war- you must confess
    This is not the solution – just part of
    the mess
    Where are the leaders of this – the atomic age?
    for them its just another working day
    I cannot see the sunset and the rivers have
    all run up dry
    Its not beliefs that separates us – than why?
    Why must they enforce instead of
    learning to compromise.

    Now you are alone – standing holding the
    trigger
    as the man next to you now has become the beggar
    Something is not right- it has gone completely wrong
    please don’t act falsely and hurt the innocent ones
    You said you all came to gather in the name of Martin
    in the name of peace
    But why must you stand in a mask- with potential
    victims at your knees
    This cannot be as you were told it to be
    This cannot be as you were showed it
    to be.

    Can anyone demonstrate peacefully ?

    Dazza

  10. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 2 February 2012 at 9:49 pm #

    Wow ….Sara…
    change the words ‘art’ to war
    and ‘fun’ to nothing,
    And a great sentence you created has taken on quite a dramic change.
    Words, not bombs, can be the greatest weapons of mass instruction, opposes, I mean destruction.

    Daz

  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 February 2012 at 10:10 pm #

    I’d stick with atheistic doubt, but call it skepticism.
    Make your own destiny.

  12. avatar
    veleska1970 | 2 February 2012 at 10:16 pm #

    “he only problem in my life is people

    remove the people and ive got a clean run”

    i can most definitely relate, kilbs……

  13. avatar
    Kristine | 2 February 2012 at 10:19 pm #

    I’ve only read bits and pieces of Sartre in your garden variety existentialist anthologies, but he was searching just like you are and who knows what answer he arrived at when it came to the end? And is there just one answer? I hope not! Atheistic, theistic, they’re all just human constructs I suppose. I expect a person can have glimpses of the truth as you do when you talk about getting every station and not being able to tell them apart, but some people don’t open themselves up enough to get any stations at all, so you’re on the right path at least….wherever it’s leading to and who knows where that is! I’ve always been attracted by Buddhism because they seem to be the most honest out of any human religions/philosophies. They don’t admit to having all the answers. My fave Buddhist author Zen Master Seung Sahn would always tell his students to go back to the place they were before thought – “only don’t know” is what he would say. It’s similar to the Sanskrit prajna which is before thinking. But even reading these things and contemplating them is still thinking…but it does seem like it’s probably closer to the truth than other religions.

  14. avatar
    Wilfred Paradise | 2 February 2012 at 10:50 pm #

    yes, steve, we read, m’man. including some of yours.

    we also love your music. please bring it all to the States this year.

    music was meant to be played – live – just ask bob.

    all best

    WP

  15. avatar
    Michel | 2 February 2012 at 10:58 pm #

    The exact name is Jean-Paul Sartre, who wrote “La Nausée” (nausea).
    I feel closer to “Journey to the end of the night” by Louis-Ferdinand Céline, much darker in his conception of the world, but you must have read it already.
    Books and poetry help to feel alive, as music, painting, arts and sometimes even … people do.

  16. avatar
    DavidP | 2 February 2012 at 11:36 pm #

    search within
    derangement of senses is it worth the cost,
    the swing of the pendulum
    but the Way off is in the middle
    get to the middle by practicing awareness,
    meditation, mantras, death of egos, alchemy/white tantra etc
    may youre head and heart hear
    dont look back in anger
    dont look forward in fear
    wishing you much strength
    to tread thru the dread my dear
    ~~~
    maybe that city of nineveh is symbolic of our own internal world
    maybe the divine task we all have is to try to awaken?
    especially this year

  17. avatar
    M E M | 3 February 2012 at 12:20 am #

    It’s all too easy to ignore the signs
    but how do we know if
    we’re reading them right?
    yea, it’s a gutteral thing something
    you can intellectualize
    or put into words even because language will fail
    you every time…
    but does that mean you don’t keep trying?
    what was the jonah gig all about really?
    was he running away or towards
    his fate?
    is there any difference?
    i don’t know but i will pose the question…
    but,
    this i do know my friend, you
    who are mutable in your fixedness
    have much the same quandary as those mutable
    in their mutability…
    save one exception…
    name that idea, ring the bell and you win a prize…
    the questions are all there…
    except the moment the universe now as you are now as it is forever now as you are wholly perfect
    you will climb from that
    belly of that fish
    my friend
    unscathed and reborn….

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 3 February 2012 at 11:31 am #

      thank you mark
      where is my hard copy of the tb tarot tho
      eagerly awaiting it!
      (and hopefully this year see it on sale…..it looks amazing on screen!!)

  18. avatar
    david | 3 February 2012 at 12:28 am #

    i have not read the book but the drowning ..less Rapture ,more release ,from the horror of the cicumstance ..

  19. avatar
    Kimbo | 3 February 2012 at 2:59 am #

    Welcome to Earth….here we are, and there we go again…..unio mystica, unio mystica…..

  20. avatar
    Linjo | 3 February 2012 at 3:15 am #

    Andrew I have ‘bookmarked’ your blog. Looks fascinating. Linda

  21. avatar
    hippy | 3 February 2012 at 4:10 am #

    I thought it was called “REMINDLESSNESS”

  22. avatar
    . | 3 February 2012 at 5:03 am #

    and you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be
    even though the people around you show their inconsistencies
    the very fact that you keep persevering is a noble trait
    it’s an example for many far away and those on the streets
    of your own town where you see the victories and even the defeats
    but you carry on and hearken unto the Spirits and your own dictates
    as you paint melodic images and make music with tangible beats
    thus said the alien traveler unto him beneath the deep blue sea

  23. avatar
    verdelay | 3 February 2012 at 6:52 am #

    As a youth I once took a day’s sick leave from work after reading Nausea. True. And I’ve never looked at the ocean in quite the same way again.

    v

  24. avatar
    colette | 3 February 2012 at 7:40 am #

    Au contraire, La Cause des Femmes par Gisele Halimi, c’etait si facile 🙂

  25. avatar
    M E M | 3 February 2012 at 7:51 am #

    “Put ur head into my hands,
    we’ll make them go away…”

  26. Jmb066
    Jmb066 | 3 February 2012 at 9:06 am #

    who do i write for anymore…. i’ve lost track….?

    I thought you always wrote for you
    those of us lucky enough to hear your words and music is a bonus

    I think you have attracted many like minded souls that share your vision of this world and how we try to live in it.

    Dont remove the people, you need them and they you. Though I feel your pain. Wife, Kids, boss, clients, employees always pulling on me and in every direction.

    I dont know if we ever get it right, but damn am I working at everyday, some days better than other. We all go through it, your music helps me through. I hope in some small way we get you through or if there is something we can do please ask.

    Unlike Jonah you are needed in your world and in ours, so no jumping overboard for you. There has to be a way for you to master both and at the same time so you can enjoy both.

    I just read an older interview of yours yesterday and it was similar to what you are talking about here, its strange how something I read about you is in your thoughts today.

    Here is an exceprt:

    Perhaps coincidentally, and perhaps not, there’s song on the album called “Disappointment.”

    SK: Yes, there is. Strangely enough, a lot of Americans would find it hard to understand when I would say this, but my specialty is writing songs about disappointment and disillusionment. Not depressive subjects; not the sorts of things that make you go cut your veins open. Not stuff about the devil, and killing your mother and father. More about that idea John Lennon flirted with, that feeling of – how I’ve often felt – being slightly estranged from this world, of suddenly finding myself alone somewhere. And it’s not entirely unpleasant.

    I’m walking along the beach on my own, my woman’s left me and things are looking bad. It’s a grey afternoon and it’s just starting to rain. But I also find some incredible comfort in it. It’s very hard to put your finger on it, but that’s the songs that I write. That’s where I connect with the world, trying to describe these mixed emotions. I don’t write songs about being righteously happy; I don’t write songs about being furiously angry, and I don’t write songs about being manically depressed. I write songs about very, very subtle things.

    That is one thing about Gold Afternoon Fix; it did have some subtle emotions on there. A song like “City,” when it’s over, it’s like, was the guy happy about all that or was he kind of detached? Like John Lennon in “Strawberry Fields Forever.” At the end of the whole song, you get this feeling of incredible, weary detachment.

    This is what I have always loved about your music and why I keep tunning in for the last 24 years and will continue until I stop listening.
    ____________________________________________________________________________
    So I guess you write for you, for me and all of those that feel this way and it helps me to tune out the noise of everyday life.

    Take Care,

    Jason

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 3 February 2012 at 11:22 am #

      jason i thank you for your encouragement!
      i hope i can go on delivering what it is you need
      sk

    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 3 February 2012 at 1:24 pm #

      Great comment Jason-
      One of the very best iv read in years

      Darrin

  27. avatar
    sanfoin | 3 February 2012 at 9:16 am #

    who do you write for? ninevah, except now its called nazi-land = “can’t do that” “have to do this” etc. . and you say “fuck no!” in the words of a prophet and poet (a proph/oet) decrying the gods of modern man – materialism and ignorance

  28. avatar
    eekie | 3 February 2012 at 10:44 am #

    I know everyone is different and sees things differently, but to me it isn’t a matter of getting it right and then everything will be smooth sailing. Life is messy and complicated. It’s not possible to settle the vast majority of problems or conflicts so everyone is 100% happy — it’s always a matter of give and take.

    Jonah’s dilemma was actually pretty straightforward (although thoroughly unpleasant) — he was given a task and he knew exactly what he was supposed to do. Everything we do affects others. Often there is no solution that doesn’t hurt. You have a ton of stress and stressors in your life, most require solutions which are neither easy nor pain free. I believe there are no perfect answers…you can only do your best at the time. It can be difficult, painful and not rewarding at all, but it has to be done, and I believe you are doing it.

    And for that eekie not only loves you, but likes and respects you as well. Hang in there…it will get better.

  29. avatar
    Tracey | 3 February 2012 at 11:20 am #

    havent read satre but martin buber always inspires me in moments of angst…namaste

  30. avatar
    Lara | 3 February 2012 at 2:26 pm #

    The Jonah story, to the author of “Gawain and the Green Knight” and “Pearl”:

    http://rpo.library.utoronto.ca/poem/55.html

    Please don’t give up on the Ninevites. They may not always like what you have to say, but perhaps they want you around more than you realize. You know you are loved here in the virtual city.

    Sending good thoughts…

    L.

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 3 February 2012 at 4:23 pm #

      its hard to understand all that old english tho if youre not some prof

      • avatar
        Lara | 4 February 2012 at 12:15 am #

        I know, sorry. I couldn’t find a translation online.

  31. avatar
    anon :) | 3 February 2012 at 2:29 pm #

    welcome to my life Steve just like jonah in the belly of the whale. i tried to run but was dragged back kicking and screaming knowing I had no choice but to do the will of God knowing that there will be a better outcome for all. or should i be saying thank you to your life that you invited me into to? God only knows! cause I sure don’t. I hang onto the promises of Isaiah to keep me going and focussed.

  32. avatar
    Jonny Hollywood | 3 February 2012 at 2:47 pm #

    so there’s a full moon this year for my birthday(Aug 31), how bout we get this party started sooner than later 🙂 lol

  33. avatar
    Steven Krut | 3 February 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    To my Buddhist mind, Existentialism and all of philosophy are attempts to squeeze into rational dimensions knowledge that ultimately cannot be understood rationally. This is why every philosophy is only a partial fit and comes and goes like fashion. It impacts culture, but nothing deeper. And like all culture, it is ultimately disposable. It can create a lot of confusion and cloud the ability to touch reality. There is only the moment. There’s nothing else. I try to live that, but often I get distracted and fall into destructive patterns. When I do manage to come alive in the moment, though, it’s really blissful. I don’t think existential angst is possible when you’re alive in the moment.

    I think Jonah worried about things beyond his control. He doubted his God-given talents and got swallowed up, literally, by his doubts. In the end, though, he did succeed in getting the Ninevites to pay attention to him. (Although I suspect this had a lot to do with the fact that he smelled like whale vomit.) Moral of the story: things have a way of working out. 🙂

  34. avatar
    That Girl | 3 February 2012 at 5:09 pm #

    Life is up and down but I don’t have to tell you that , you wake up in the morning and you never know how the day will turn out. Sometimes it’s like , well , I didn’t see that coming ! If I had a dollar for everyone one out there that disappointed me or let me down or just messed with me , you know where I am going with that one. So , you think of the good , funny , the what the ? things that happen along the way or the flipside the this the other side of the coin and you write about it . Your life is changing and there are new happenings about to begin , now there’s a song . Do what makes you happy Steve and really sometimes it works and sometimes it’s shite but it’s you , there is song in there somewhere I just know it.

  35. avatar
    hellbound heart | 5 February 2012 at 7:58 pm #

    who do you write for?
    people like me who love reading your musings…..
    xxxxxoooooo


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