jesus christ i think i saw the worst movie ever made last night
what a shocker !
the cheapest cheesiest CGI stuff that’d be laughable if yer child did em
the whole biblical story of noah perverted needlessly into this?
its got the production value of a nineties wargame DVD
the stuff thats been chucked in there is so fricking unrealistic you will writhe
russell crowe as noah, right?
thats gotta be unrool ..!
that tough gladiator and solid all round geezer.
a pretty good actor too if he’s in a good film
anthony hopkins too
god i hoped they paid him well..!
what an absolute amateurish shambles
no…worse than amateurish it smacks of cynicism
and the arrogance as 2 hollywood knuckleheads try to improve upon a classic
do you remember the green mist in “voyage of the dawn treader” ?
do you remember the insipid stinker they did called “troy”?
that preposterous notion that some b grade philistine working on his laptop
can actually radically change Homer or biblical stories and make them better?
every stupid thing is milked of its obviousness by a new hollywood invention
noah now lives in a wasteland that would makes your local quarry look like tahiti
a blackened desert of nasty weird shit
noah sure is buffed up tho for a guy who eats tiny microscopic bits of lichen or whatever
then theres a weird animal hunted by the evil hunters
this weird creature and this weird substance that glows and..wow! expodes…gee…!
and the super kitted out as goth weird bad guys are mining this exploding beautiful stuff
and oh yeah oh yeah
theres these other creatures called the watchers with glowing red eyes
yeah they do look like the thing as countless reviews have indeed pointed out
laughably (again ) so
when i say laughably i do mean that at this point i laughed out loud
the watchers are fallen angels and they they are trapped in lego bodies
with glowing red eyes and talking in voices with distortion
they are indeed laughably laughworthy
it is impossible to take anything like this seriously i mean c’mon..!
none of this is in the biblical version
which was itself nicked from gilgamesh
and herein is the problem
the bibles noah is a good taut story
we see noahs faith and doubt and belief
there is an angry unseen god who is about to destroy his world
we see the animals
we imagine the animals as they are called
the lions walking into the ark with the lambs
the giraffes the gazelles the kangaroos the great bears
oh wow there is so much for a camera to film there
or to superimpose with modern gadgetry or however..
but oh no no noah!
the animals are reduced to quick cheap shadowy shots en masse
and guess what? noahs got a drug to keep em all tranked out for the voyage
and come to think of it anthony hopkins gave rusty a biblical micky finn
(as i heard one wag describe it )
and rusty goes tripping out of his skull
man the NSW water police would effin do noah for driving an ark around Sydney Harbour
whilst valve bouncing on a sacred mushroom latte or whatever that was Methuselah laid on him
then theres all the tiresome argy bargy with the villains
its all like a tenth rate version of lord of the rings
everything looks like the budget has been slashed by jack the ripper
you could have a better biblical look on an iphone in Newtown on a muggy day
indeed the characters are ultra black clad alice cooper lookalikes
especially lead bad geezer Tubal-cain (for christs sake!)
a descendent of that bad boy cain who murdered his lil bruthah
and then the 2 hollywood writers decide to grapple with that thorny old question:
where does the bible get all the chicks?
after cain had killed abel he wandered around an unpeopled world
yet somehow he bumped into a chick..!
and then populated a continent
so in the cheesy noah dvd i am gawking at in disbelief
noahs sons dont all have wives
and the one wife that they do have is already barren because noah saved her at
a deserted exploding doo-dah mine and we saw the arrow in her side
are you with me people?
and noahs obsession now is to end the human race
so there will be none after him
meanwhile we see the armies of Tubal-cain (puh lease!) getting ready
for their big CGI fight with the lego monsters who work for noah
of course it has to be this obvious war and hatred
and not the mistrust and unease of the biblical story
as the onlookers sussed that noah had been right and the deluge was upon them
what a wonderful chance missed to explore all those emotions
but the dolts who wrote this comi-tragedy have no time for that
there is an epic battle (oh ha ha ha ha )
and then the geysers open up and in an instant the flood begins
(not the long long days as the weather gradually changed
and the storms began to gather and the onlookers were slowly filled with doom…
a la bible)
then finally the girl from harry potter who was barren has twin girls
and as she stands on her CGI boat against the CGI sea
with Noah in yet another wig threatening to murder her new born twin baby girls
i say to scarlet who is watching this movie with the rest of us
look scarlet thats eve and aurora..!
the absurdity of is too much
because so silly is this film and so utterly dislocating is it in its ridiculousness
that it might as well be eve and aurora
it would make as much sense as anything else
and so we are all laughing and crying
(and some slightly bemused i ruined their DVD for the night)
oh my sweet goth jehovah!
this film is the worst film i have ever seen
but it is