jesus christ i think i saw the worst movie ever made last night

what a shocker !

the cheapest cheesiest CGI stuff that’d be laughable if yer child did em

really?

the whole biblical story of noah perverted needlessly into this?

its got the production value of a nineties wargame DVD

the stuff thats been chucked in there is so fricking unrealistic you will writhe

russell crowe as noah, right?

thats gotta be unrool ..!

that tough gladiator and solid all round geezer.

a pretty good actor too if he’s in a good film

anthony hopkins too

god i hoped they paid him well..!

what an absolute amateurish shambles

no…worse than amateurish it smacks of cynicism

and the arrogance as 2 hollywood knuckleheads try to improve upon a classic

do you remember the green mist in “voyage of the dawn treader” ?

do you remember the insipid stinker they did called “troy”?

that preposterous notion that some b grade philistine working on his laptop

can actually radically change Homer or biblical stories and make them better?

every stupid thing is milked of its obviousness by a new hollywood invention

noah now lives in a wasteland that would makes your local quarry look like tahiti

a blackened desert of nasty weird shit

noah sure is buffed up tho for a guy who eats tiny microscopic bits of lichen or whatever

then theres a weird animal hunted by the evil hunters

this weird creature and this weird substance that glows and..wow! expodes…gee…!

and the super kitted out as goth weird bad guys are mining this exploding beautiful stuff

and oh yeah oh yeah

theres these other creatures called the watchers with glowing red eyes

yeah they do look like the thing as countless reviews have indeed pointed out

laughably (again ) so

when i say laughably i do mean that at this point i laughed out loud

the watchers are fallen angels and they they are trapped in lego bodies

with glowing red eyes and talking in voices with distortion

they are indeed laughably laughworthy

it is impossible to take anything like this seriously i mean c’mon..!

none of this is in the biblical version

which was itself nicked from gilgamesh

and herein is the problem

the bibles noah is a good taut story

we see noahs faith and doubt and belief

there is an angry unseen god who is about to destroy his world

we see the animals

we imagine the animals as they are called

the lions walking into the ark with the lambs

the giraffes the gazelles the kangaroos the great bears

oh wow there is so much for a camera to film there

or to superimpose with modern gadgetry or however..

but oh no no noah!

the animals are reduced to quick cheap shadowy shots en masse

and guess what? noahs got a drug to keep em all tranked out for the voyage

and come to think of it anthony hopkins gave rusty a biblical micky finn

(as i heard one wag describe it )

and rusty goes tripping out of his skull

man the NSW water police would effin do noah for driving an ark around Sydney Harbour

whilst valve bouncing on a sacred mushroom latte or whatever that was Methuselah laid on him

then theres all the tiresome argy bargy with the villains

its all like a tenth rate version of lord of the rings

everything looks like the budget has been slashed by jack the ripper

you could have a better biblical look on an iphone in Newtown on a muggy day

indeed the characters are ultra black clad alice cooper lookalikes

especially lead bad geezer Tubal-cain (for christs sake!)

a descendent of that bad boy cain who murdered his lil bruthah

and then the 2 hollywood writers decide to grapple with that thorny old question:

where does the bible get all the chicks?

for example

after cain had killed abel he wandered around an unpeopled world

yet somehow he bumped into a chick..!

and then populated a continent

so in the cheesy noah dvd i am gawking at in disbelief

noahs sons dont all have wives

and the one wife that they do have is already barren because noah saved her at

a deserted exploding doo-dah mine and we saw the arrow in her side

are you with me people?

and noahs obsession  now is to end the human race

so there will be none after him

meanwhile we see the armies of Tubal-cain (puh lease!) getting ready

for their big CGI fight with the lego monsters who work for noah

of course it has to be this obvious war and hatred

and not the mistrust and unease of the biblical story

as the onlookers sussed that noah had been right and the deluge was upon them

what a wonderful chance missed to explore all those emotions

but the dolts who wrote this comi-tragedy have no time for that

there is an epic battle (oh ha ha ha ha )

and then the geysers open up and in an instant the flood begins

(not the long long days as the weather gradually changed

and  the storms began to gather and the onlookers were slowly filled with doom…

a la bible)

then finally the girl from harry potter who was barren has twin girls

and as she stands on her CGI boat against the CGI sea

with Noah in yet another wig threatening to murder her new born twin baby girls

i say to scarlet who is watching this movie with the rest of us

look scarlet thats eve and aurora..!

the absurdity of is too much

because so silly is this film and so utterly dislocating is it in its ridiculousness

that it might as well be eve and aurora

it would make as much sense as anything else

and so we are all laughing and crying

(and some slightly bemused i ruined their DVD for the night)

oh my sweet goth jehovah!

this film is the worst film i have ever seen

im sorry

but it is