posted on January 24, 2016 at 12:46 pm
arking up

arking up

jesus christ i think i saw the worst movie ever made last night

what a shocker !

the cheapest cheesiest CGI stuff that’d be laughable if yer child did em

really?

the whole biblical story of noah perverted needlessly into this?

its got the production value of a nineties wargame DVD

the stuff thats been chucked in there is so fricking unrealistic you will writhe

russell crowe as noah, right?

thats gotta be unrool ..!

that tough gladiator and solid all round geezer.

a pretty good actor too if he’s in a good film

anthony hopkins too

god i hoped they paid him well..!

what an absolute amateurish shambles

no…worse than amateurish it smacks of cynicism

and the arrogance as 2 hollywood knuckleheads try to improve upon a classic

do you remember the green mist in “voyage of the dawn treader” ?

do you remember the insipid stinker they did called “troy”?

that preposterous notion that some b grade philistine working on his laptop

can actually radically change Homer or biblical stories and make them better?

every stupid thing is milked of its obviousness by a new hollywood invention

noah now lives in a wasteland that would makes your local quarry look like tahiti

a blackened desert of nasty weird shit

noah sure is buffed up tho for a guy who eats tiny microscopic bits of lichen or whatever

then theres a weird animal hunted by the evil hunters

this weird creature and this weird substance that glows and..wow! expodes…gee…!

and the super kitted out as goth weird bad guys are mining this exploding beautiful stuff

and oh yeah oh yeah

theres these other creatures called the watchers with glowing red eyes

yeah they do look like the thing as countless reviews have indeed pointed out

laughably (again ) so

when i say laughably i do mean that at this point i laughed out loud

the watchers are fallen angels and they they are trapped in lego bodies

with glowing red eyes and talking in voices with distortion

they are indeed laughably laughworthy

it is impossible to take anything like this seriously i mean c’mon..!

none of this is in the biblical version

which was itself nicked from gilgamesh

and herein is the problem

the bibles noah is a good taut story

we see noahs faith and doubt and belief

there is an angry unseen god who is about to destroy his world

we see the animals

we imagine the animals as they are called

the lions walking into the ark with the lambs

the giraffes the gazelles the kangaroos the great bears

oh wow there is so much for a camera to film there

or to superimpose with modern gadgetry or however..

but oh no no noah!

the animals are reduced to quick cheap shadowy shots en masse

and guess what? noahs got a drug to keep em all tranked out for the voyage

and come to think of it anthony hopkins gave rusty a biblical micky finn

(as i heard one wag describe it )

and rusty goes tripping out of his skull

man the NSW water police would effin do noah for driving an ark around Sydney Harbour

whilst valve bouncing on a sacred mushroom latte or whatever that was Methuselah laid on him

then theres all the tiresome argy bargy with the villains

its all like a tenth rate version of lord of the rings

everything looks like the budget has been slashed by jack the ripper

you could have a better biblical look on an iphone in Newtown on a muggy day

indeed the characters are ultra black clad alice cooper lookalikes

especially lead bad geezer Tubal-cain (for christs sake!)

a descendent of that bad boy cain who murdered his lil bruthah

and then the 2 hollywood writers decide to grapple with that thorny old question:

where does the bible get all the chicks?

for example

after cain had killed abel he wandered around an unpeopled world

yet somehow he bumped into a chick..!

and then populated a continent

so in the cheesy noah dvd i am gawking at in disbelief

noahs sons dont all have wives

and the one wife that they do have is already barren because noah saved her at

a deserted exploding doo-dah mine and we saw the arrow in her side

are you with me people?

and noahs obsession  now is to end the human race

so there will be none after him

meanwhile we see the armies of Tubal-cain (puh lease!) getting ready

for their big CGI fight with the lego monsters who work for noah

of course it has to be this obvious war and hatred

and not the mistrust and unease of the biblical story

as the onlookers sussed that noah had been right and the deluge was upon them

what a wonderful chance missed to explore all those emotions

but the dolts who wrote this comi-tragedy have no time for that

there is an epic battle (oh ha ha ha ha )

and then the geysers open up and in an instant the flood begins

(not the long long days as the weather gradually changed

and  the storms began to gather and the onlookers were slowly filled with doom…

a la bible)

then finally the girl from harry potter who was barren has twin girls

and as she stands on her CGI boat against the CGI sea

with Noah in yet another wig threatening to murder her new born twin baby girls

i say to scarlet who is watching this movie with the rest of us

look scarlet thats eve and aurora..!

the absurdity of is too much

because so silly is this film and so utterly dislocating is it in its ridiculousness

that it might as well be eve and aurora

it would make as much sense as anything else

and so we are all laughing and crying

(and some slightly bemused i ruined their DVD for the night)

oh my sweet goth jehovah!

this film is the worst film i have ever seen

im sorry

but it is

 

 

 

 

 

42 Responses to “oh noah!”

  1. etta
    etta | 24 January 2016 at 1:50 pm #

    Perversely sounds like must sea. I did an absurd X stitch when I was preggers of Noahs arc and I think my kids still love the silliness just like the film I guess or silly pomes.

  2. avatar
    Steven Krut | 24 January 2016 at 4:38 pm #

    Yeah, that one was one prolonged WTF moment.

  3. avatar
    puig | 24 January 2016 at 5:58 pm #

    Surely you aren’t dissing on Noah, Noah Czark? 😉

  4. avatar
    Deborah | 24 January 2016 at 6:16 pm #

    Well have to say my better half who is no longer on this plane, he always loved his epic tale movies and these Bible stories. He wanted us to watch it but no.. I put my foot down…couldn’t come at Russ in a tale of Noah, takes a lot for me to watch one of his movies anyway..dunno just doesn’t get me. I’m an old fashioned gal n I tend to watch a late 30s or 40s movie, there are many excellent ones, though depends on ur taste I guess…but one thing I definitely know now is that I’ll probably never see that version of Noah, not after that classic Kilbey review. Hey one dislikes what another loves but I was always sussed on that one. Good review btw.

  5. avatar
    Chris | 24 January 2016 at 10:19 pm #

    NOAH: “A water-logged turkey…an epic disaster of truly biblical proportions.”

    Jim Schembri
    Film Critic 3AW

  6. Pictish
    Pictish | 25 January 2016 at 1:01 am #

    Ahahah. I’ve learned to steer clear of the big Hollywood epics for all the reasons you’ve stated. On the good side, at least you had some laughs!

    I did like The Revenant a lot. Occasionally they get one right but rarely in the land of reboots, prequels and sequels.

  7. avatar
    matthew | 25 January 2016 at 4:17 am #

    Yep. Hilarious and embarrassing. Plus how it turned into a weird soap opera once the ark was afloat. I could only watch it once.

  8. avatar
    jacqui68uk | 26 January 2016 at 10:54 am #

    32 years ago my boyfriend took me out in his triumph herald , what is this ?? The church he said , every night since that day the church has played in our house ,,,I am going to be as honest and outspoken as I wish , the other evening I aaked him why have you never messaged Steve ? I know why ,, he doesn’t think he is educated enough,, that’s bollocks I said ! I hate all this face book , Twitter n shit , reading all the blogs , with respect , why is everyone trying so fckn hard to impress with comments and scenarios I just can’t understand ! ! I can , but I mean fk me please stop trying to impress !! . I just want to be normal and hear people talking normal everyday conversations without going in depth because Steve can ! Stop trying to bloody impress please ,, I’m sitting here now with my 2 dogs , kids upstairs , music in back ground ,, not the bloody church ,, that’s our time ,, that’s when me n Tim become so happy and chat about our childhood ,, We just Hertfordshire People lucky enough to find and enjoy the church , It’s very sad to me that Tim , who knows as much about you Steve as he does himself cannot write to you ,, I’m so glad I sat and wrote this , you prob think what the hell ? But I’ve wanted to write for a long long time , I don’t know you but I admire the person you have become .

  9. etta
    etta | 26 January 2016 at 3:45 pm #

    Yes thanks Jacqui. Puts things in perspective. Thats if youre real. I have had peeps messaging me with all sorts of opinions re sk and ttb and related. I know some stuff but not all, obviously. So, to use sk’s words re my hubby (since he asked me once if i loved hubby) i say, ‘well really it’s none of my business’. What i do know is my husband was never into the Church much. Why i dont know and now will probably never know. He does like Radio Birdman, The Triffids etc. Today we decided to call it quits because or in spite of the Church, not sure. I can say for myself not trying to impress doesnt impress sk either. That includes an aussie going half way round the world via a circuitous route to attend a gig in Seattle, which i would probably do again and just for myself. Perhaps i would enjoy it more then. Not trying to impress, i knocked loudly on the bus door to no a veil. Whatever! I was in mourning re Warren anyway i guess. I am not really sure. Having arrived home after some time, not for want of trying but not trying too hard, to stay in touch with mixed success, last night i think an actual lightning bolt struck me through the window and seems ironic or apt to say here i was actually on the crapper. Undig i know but cest la vie. I was thinking of the Church at the time as i always do but since then i really can’t tell if i am thinking clearer or not. I do know had my husband been into things Churchy he couldve comforted me more appropriately but that wasn’t the reality. Alas. You must be like a pig in shit, lassy.

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 27 January 2016 at 10:55 am #

      how vulgar!

      • etta
        etta | 27 January 2016 at 11:14 am #

        Yes but it was okay for anonymous to harass me for so long and say such things re cappers etc. Thank you for allowing that.

        • etta
          etta | 27 January 2016 at 11:15 am #

          That was the tasteful spelling

  10. avatar
    jacqui68uk | 26 January 2016 at 11:01 pm #

    have just txt my Tim , thank you for your reply . I am well chuffed , made my day !!!

  11. etta
    etta | 27 January 2016 at 11:21 am #

    Also, you obviously don’t care, if I am talking to sk and not some other member of admin, how I was told things about your personal life by God knows who for how long. I put up with that and stayed neutral. Thanks, friend! Interesting you publish the above tho, but not certain more recent things trying to communicate with you which conveniently disappeared…

  12. etta
    etta | 27 January 2016 at 11:52 am #

    Oh sorry. I see you meant the lightning bolt. Yes. It was the most vulgar lightning bolt I have come across.

    • avatar
      Deborah | 27 January 2016 at 4:42 pm #

      WTF!! You sound angry….noticed ur name on here commenting always, but why u coming down on people? We’ve all travelled to places to see whatever we travelled there for but one can’t expect to be let in just coz u did the trip! Why you so mad?? Prob thinking this is none of my business, which it’s not, except I read these things too and it seems u tried to rain on her parade, she’s expressing her thanks for the acknowledgement, that’s all. She’s happy for it. Maybe I should keep out of this?… Sorry for being a Bitch in something that has naught to do with me, but I enjoyed Jacqui’s getting in touch and joy of getting a reply.Why you so mad? We don’t gotta be enemies on ttb now coz I write this…just seemed u used her comment to vent a whole lot of inner ????

  13. avatar
    cetaceus1 | 28 January 2016 at 5:21 am #

    Perfectly sums up why I can’t watch Hollywood movies, in a way that had me laughing. BTW, you are, as of 2am (5am EST) Thursday 28th January, the fifth most trending article on the Australian Guardian website with your dismantlement of TripleJ’s Hottest 100. I’m so glad you suffered for the rest of us.

  14. avatar
    jacqui68uk | 28 January 2016 at 6:33 am #

    You have a lovely following Steve ,, you must be proud ! Well , of most anyway ,, a reminder of exactly why I do not blog ! Pig in shit ?? Sure am ,, keep those bus doors locked Steve ,, never know who’s trying to get in !

  15. avatar
    jacqui68uk | 28 January 2016 at 10:56 am #

    Been on mind ,, think I took the last message the wrong way or at least I hope I did ,, yes , I consider myself very lucky , bless you,, etta , see I have a conscience and get where you are coming from , it’s not all about ‘the church ‘ tho, is it ? You soy d troubled sweet , x

  16. avatar
    jacqui68uk | 28 January 2016 at 10:59 am #

    Oh and I am very real hun

  17. etta
    etta | 28 January 2016 at 1:12 pm #

    (Happy as a) proverbial. A happy simile or where I am from anyway, from what I have heard.Thanks. I always think of attillo’ when I see ‘hun’ not to be confused with the honorable ‘hon’…. oh just some random messaged me about the ‘people’ here which made me dubious about her. Sorry to project. Hope you get some rain in Heartfordshire x

  18. kevinbreton
    kevinbreton | 28 January 2016 at 2:12 pm #

    I think it’d be cool for a movie about the Tower of Babel but there’s just not enough info in la biblia or other. But the library of babel by Jorge Luis Borges. Man I loved that short story. I think Noah would have been a good half an hour surrealist film but a whole crappy movie sounds real dumb.

  19. kevinbreton
    kevinbreton | 28 January 2016 at 2:23 pm #

    And as far as I understand Noah was spared because he didn’t have nephilim DNA or something. They probably don’t mention that in the big Hollywood movies because it would offend the innocent satan worshippers out there. Just kidding. But really that’s my understanding of it. Nephilim aren’t right with God I guess. And they were giants and couldn’t find enough food or something Basically Noah was the only one who hadn’t reproduced with fallen angels. Pretty absurd I guess but it’s also absurd that we exist here in time in this cosmos. Aye. I dunno. That’s what makes a man wise is when he realizes he doesn’t really know anything. God bless 4 always

  20. etta
    etta | 28 January 2016 at 3:25 pm #

    I wouldn’t say I am down on people in general. I work with people when a country’s bureaucracy allows me to work and have helped many on in their lives. I must say what rises to the surface at the moment is still lingering disgust with modern media when I think of the disproportionate reporting on recentish shootings in Paris at the expense of other suffering countries at the time and I had/have a lot of sympathy for Paris. Another thing which arises is a memory of a woman who wrote in here a while ago mentioning coming from a large male dominated family. I can empathize with that and I do like men probably too much…Happy as

  21. avatar
    foolonthehill | 28 January 2016 at 8:17 pm #

    Just read yr article about hot 100. Pale beige is the colour to best describe.

    Also saw a piece in the SMH about how Bowie knocked back cold play about a collaboration, saying “well it’s not a good song, is it” Straight to the point.

  22. avatar
    jacqui68uk | 29 January 2016 at 6:44 am #

    Thank you Deborah for your comment , yes , I was thrilled to be acknowledged truth be known ,, txt my other half straight away who was prob a bit jel I got a reply ! Never mind , it’s a shame that those here feel the need to get so tetchy , after all we all have this amazing guy in common ! Bless you , you sound cool

    • avatar
      Deborah | 30 January 2016 at 1:27 pm #

      Yup you got it! thanks Jacqui for your response to my response and yeah this is Steve’s blog page…not really meant for these cross conversations so ill leave it there. Roger, over n out! ?

  23. kevinbreton
    kevinbreton | 30 January 2016 at 4:57 am #

    I thought Noah was a truly great film mr Kilbey. It showed how in our past Legos turned human and also how people with red eyes existed. This movie was a true account and greatly done. It would have been nice though if they had Popeye the sailor man in there because he was one of the watchers and people miss that. That’s why Noah went on the ark. Cause he didn’t want to eat spinach for the rest of his days. And also just to make it a better film they could have had at least a few car chases and then have a few more explosions with special effects. If it had that I would have went back to see it again. But anyhow Noah was a great production so I agree with you

  24. avatar
    Jacqui | 2 February 2016 at 3:50 am #

    Wasn’t sure about me ??? Who the hell I ask are you ?? You certainly got some issues chick ,, its Hertfordshire ,, lassie ,, by the way looking at your profile pic , am baffled lol how you have the nerve to poke ur nose in other peops comments lol , see ya , certainly wouldn’t wanna b ya ,,

  25. avatar
    Jacqui | 4 February 2016 at 8:50 am #

    Only saying what others want to ., x

  26. avatar
    Jacqui | 7 February 2016 at 12:18 pm #

    Yo Deborah ,,, a lady with taste obviously ,, xxx

  27. ANUBIS4311
    ANUBIS4311 | 20 February 2016 at 10:11 pm #

    WOW SK!… DIDN’T THINK IT POSSIBLE I COULD RESPECT YOU EVEN MORE THAN I ALREADY DO… I KNOW THAT WASN’T AN EASY THING TO DO, BUT (EVEN WITHOUT YOUR FATHER’S INPUT) YOU KNEW IT WAS THE RIGHT.. NO… THE HUMAN.. THING TO DO!…
    IVE LOST A FEW AND SOME HAVE SURVIVED THEIR DEALINGS WITH CANCER, AND WHAT YOU DID SERVES AS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL!.. (calm down now sk ego)IVE LET PEOPLE WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE CHURCH OR YOU (unfortunate but true.. im in the USA after all)READ YOUR POST AND ALL FOUND IT… MAKING THEM THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY CAN DO TO HELP PEOPLE IN NEED!…
    TIME BEING INDEED!

    anubis4311 (Christian Martin)

  28. ANUBIS4311
    ANUBIS4311 | 20 February 2016 at 10:13 pm #

    wrong blog..S**T!


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