posted on August 3, 2010 at 10:47 pm

intrepidation

hollow cheeked messenger of the gods

one to the left

one to the right

one in black

one in red

one in man

one in wo-man

possession nine tenths of the lore

i been possessed

angry elemental gnawing at me betweeen my body n brain

oh baby its a mystery

no wonder i so angry

a cat in a world of dog

a snake in my eden

how to forgive the unforgivable

no you cant imagine what i went thru

some stupid evil all over me in its ignorance

never mined

a doctor i have lost my patience

yes i turn again to the white witch

and she again does not fail me

restoring hopeless faith in my heart

i rise from the ashes of my latest downfall

i dust myself off

how much can this old frame endure

the witch says now smile

and lo i finally smiled

the witch a tall gaunt witch she is

the witch said rise up n walk my boy

and lo i could again walk

and the elemental black spirit temporarily banished

but it hovers about me still

and its ever watchful and waiting for me to fall n fail

and thru my thin worn out fabric it will pierce my heart again

and i just wanted to pursue happiness

and i just wanted to be like i could

and thats life

with its awful ogres

with its uselessnesses

with its death n disease

with its mistakes n its mysteries

and even in my travails i remained calm

oh my fiendss you would have been proud of me

wronged and busted still i remained calm

outraged and imprisoned reasonless

i saw it coming

thus i knew it would eventually be

and it was

and i stood there letting it wash over me

all my life leading up to this

st steven the martyr shot by the arrows of pitiless destiny

alone in a lonely stinking place

hoping the nightmare would cease n i would awake

but alas the bad dream was real enough

no none of this is metaphor

yes i was injured needlessly

and the angry elemental is screaming in my fucking ear to do something about it

and how hard it is to resist that black invisible thing hounding me down

and how hard it is to be cheerful after everything now this

and christ jealousy and anger brought you down

and krsna killed by the shot of a poor ignorant hunter

and buddha poisoned by the meat of a stupid farmer

and achilles slain by a coward

and ever yes it was thus

and ever yes it will be

and now i am hanging on by a thread of pure reason

and in knowledge that surely things happen that none of us deserve

and that one day i will laugh and cease to remember all of this

and that things may be restored to me

and that acceptance must be mine

and that as usual i will prevail

because thats what i always do eventually

i prevail

i go on

i smash my head against the wall till the fucking wall collapses

i learn my lesson

i keep moving forward

i turn every minus into a plus

i defy the lesser men who are so readily plentiful

and whatever they sling at me

i remain true to myself

angry maybe

stupid as well

but i remain on my own terms despite the worms

and i plunge into my coldest pool

to cool down this white hot righteous n unrighteous anger

to swim in that freezing water so that i can face another day

and i stand in my yoga poses

trying not to listen to the whispering spirits

who goad me into some new deleterious misadventure

who astonisheth me with their persuasive powers

and for now i have accept it all with a grimace or grin

but surely soon i will be released

thats it for today

make of it what you will

and will of it what you make

your very humbled hero

me

52 Responses to “one life twice”

  1. avatar
    redgrevillea | 3 August 2010 at 11:02 pm #

    the elemental black spirit is a phantom. love and light ultimately prevail. (or so the script says)

    i’ve just subscribed to eckharttolletv…. i feel like an electro-magnetic buddha, downloading all the videos and stuff, watching and listening away, and it’s working….i’m chilled like a cat on cloud 9, but i wouldn’t necessarily recommend it…it’s just this particular cat’s choice of path to be free of that black thing….it’s working…

    been listening to Margot Smith on myspace….she has this piercing vulnerability that cuts to some infinitesimal point in the solar plexus….

    ….

  2. avatar
    Richard | 3 August 2010 at 11:31 pm #

    out
    in
    lore

  3. avatar
    Jason (jmb066) | 3 August 2010 at 11:45 pm #

    Steve,

    Betrayal is what I read between the lines, so sorry to hear it if thats the case. I hope the bastard is not someone you know. Now this could be someone very close to you either way I know how it occupys all of your thoughts until it is either resolved or finalized. Its very hard to focus on anything else when something like this occurs, for you maybe its time to start putting your thoughts into some new songs, poems or artwork. You have never really made an angry record and I am not requesting one, however it may be cathartic. No matter what we are here for you and your children are there for you and they can really help take your mind off things when you just enjoy and play with them. Any luck with your older daughters, I hope you have had a chance to connect with them and see how they are doing.

    Take care of yourself,

    Jason

  4. avatar
    Freddie | 3 August 2010 at 11:51 pm #

    ????
    It is worrisome when things are like this :^/
    (hugs)

  5. avatar
    Aperus | 4 August 2010 at 12:19 am #

    Steve,
    I’m reading relationship at home (I hope not), or band members (I hope not)… or other – still wish it weren’t so.

    Don’t know if Rumi’s the Guest House is appropriate for this occasion.

    The Guest House

    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival.

    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    as an unexpected visitor.

    Welcome and entertain them all!
    Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
    who violently sweep your house
    empty of its furniture,
    still, treat each guest honorably.
    He may be clearing you out
    for some new delight.

    The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
    meet them at the door laughing,
    and invite them in.

    Be grateful for whoever comes,
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond.

    Yes, may be good to channel this hurt into some creative venture.

    Best wishes

  6. avatar
    DavidP | 4 August 2010 at 12:20 am #

    its not easy that’s for sure and very well done on keeping calm at least on the outside
    as for the inside the key is prayer in the work, you know what I mean
    its revolutionary and i reckon its right up your alley with your steadfastness, endurance, persistence, determination to overcome, power of observation etc
    if you can get that going you can be totally self reliant and not need the witch
    keeping going steve you are doing better than you think
    take care, be aware
    dp

  7. avatar
    an ornery mouse | 4 August 2010 at 12:20 am #

    You’ve read the gospels, you know how Jesus banished spirits astonishingly! Not just for a time, but forever. Witches, they build legions (for they are many)… and yeah, I know you find “jehovah” difficult. Praying for you man! As I have done, for 25 years, coz you’re precious in the big picture.

  8. avatar
    andy | 4 August 2010 at 1:11 am #

    wish you ‘n i were bashing the crap out of a couple of guitars boss.
    it would do us both good.
    sorrow promotes creativity.
    or so i’m told…..

  9. avatar
    Ellen | 4 August 2010 at 1:30 am #

    Sigh…

    Not to undermine your agony, but most of us have been wronged and have felt betrayed and deeply hurt and angered. I’m “going through” an emotionally difficult time in my life. Lots of tears, anger and resentment, and yet I’m doing my best to take good care of myself – emotionally, physically (yoga helps tremendously) and spiritually. Obviously, you already know this, I just want to give you my heartfelt empathy. Sending hugs from LA….

  10. avatar
    Mr. Argent | 4 August 2010 at 1:40 am #

    “Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself than of other people, nor does it mean having a low opinion of your own gifts. It means freedom from thinking about yourself at all.” ~William Temple

    Chin up mate.

  11. avatar
    pennybridge | 4 August 2010 at 2:58 am #

    Även dom som inte vågar leva dör nån gång
    Kanske klen tröst men …

  12. avatar
    cazziem | 4 August 2010 at 3:12 am #

    I only want to say one thing today – I’m proud of you Mr Kilbey! xx 🙂

  13. avatar
    Cecilia | 4 August 2010 at 3:32 am #

    It’s astonishing when people you trusted fuck you over…leaves you shattered. Took me a long time to recover and sometimes it all still haunts me.
    Keep swimming Steve, no sinking, ok?

  14. avatar
    plumlady | 4 August 2010 at 4:16 am #

    This good green witch is casting a circle of aura of light and happiness around you from afar. The demons may knock, but they won’t get in. You’re so much older and wiser, and calmer now. Those who have suffered the most emotionally, particularly relationship wise, end up being the wisest of all. If I read this between the lines to what it seems to be; know that you are still the “hottest rock and roll guy” around, with so very much to offer to so very many people. And you handle it well; all life’s demands…you handle it with grace and incredible creativity. You will overcome your problem at home and come out the other side all the better for it. I’m recently convinced that your 50’s are the best time of life as long as you have your health, and you do….you’re a lucky and handsome man indeed, even when the demons say otherwise.

  15. avatar
    Kristine | 4 August 2010 at 4:22 am #

    Everything sounds so worryingly big and black and bad for you. Whatever has happened, I pray fervently that you will keep trying to pursue happiness and not let this beat you. You’ve been through so much already and you don’t deserve to have anything else bad thrown at you. You need quiet and rest and not the hell you’ve just described above. Take care, please.

  16. avatar
    Name | 4 August 2010 at 6:37 am #

    had to read a couple times; before I could smile. Third time through… was better.

    I used to have a sensai (BokFu — none of that kicky-kicky back and forth stuff… you have 3 seconds to take them down; otherwise, you fail). When there is no way to avoid, the peace brings an energy that is so pure it is visible and channels to your 3 second to goal — if you must.

    So it’s a place I quite often go to, to think of energy and the delicate nature of evil, which doesn’t prevail; it is just to be stronger than evil — he always told me to embrace your enemy (not fear, join or agree with); the understanding takes power away [from it].

    I thank him always.

  17. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 4 August 2010 at 7:01 am #

    Yes u are our humble hero…and many of us sense a difficulty in ur life that u are trying to go at, alone. Reach out to the people who surround u with light and hope, and love. Please have them understand ur current tribulations, request solutions from each of them. They may surprise u in the end. Its worth the risk, yet there shall be reward.

    As always…and full of concern,
    BrokenToysAndHeros
    Darrin K. from Chicago

  18. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 4 August 2010 at 7:03 am #

    BTW…my avatar is my precious princess, Kristina Ann Kelly, the picture is of her a 6 months, she is 2.5 years old now…and as beautiful as the first breathe she took.

    As always…and a proud Dad,
    BrokenToysAndHeros

  19. avatar
    Thelonious | 4 August 2010 at 8:05 am #

    SK, I feel for you in your despair. I know it’s a cliched 12 step prayer but in my desperation and hard times over the last 2 years I have been helped by the simplicity yet depth of the serenity Prayer; God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Works every time for me. Blessings and good vibrations to you today SK. You have been a long term inspiration to me.

  20. avatar
    Lara | 4 August 2010 at 8:27 am #

    Am sorry to hear it, SK. I agree with the tragedians that what happens is not a matter of who deserves what: it just is. An unbearable thought and yet what is catharsis but a fierce will to live? You are a fiery spirit even if occasionally eclipsed by shadow. Scream with fear and pity, then live again.

  21. avatar
    Thomas Thomsen | 4 August 2010 at 8:54 am #

    “Även dom som inte vågar leva dör nån gång”
    Translation: “Even those who dare not live will die eventually.”

    I like that, Pennybridge. Quite poignant!

    • avatar
      pennybridge | 4 August 2010 at 3:32 pm #

      Mange tak / many thanks 😉

  22. avatar
    david knowles | 4 August 2010 at 8:55 am #

    ‘How to forgive the unforgiveable’

    This is a very difficult puzzle. But we must reflect on it and resolve to engage humanity with this puzzle such that we find a path through.

  23. avatar
    veleska1970 | 4 August 2010 at 9:28 am #

    i’m sorry you’re going through this.

    “i remain true to myself

    angry maybe

    stupid as well”
    you have a right to be angry, but don’t beat yourself up. you can’t always see everything coming. it breaks my heart to see you in such turmoil. i hope and pray that you are soon free of whatever it is. and please don’t forget that we love you.

  24. avatar
    comecleansteve | 4 August 2010 at 10:23 am #

    Come clean with your friends here Steve. This cat and mouse regarding your problem is uncharacteristic for you. Tell us what is going on. Cheers

  25. avatar
    princey | 4 August 2010 at 12:07 pm #

    Hi sk, just testing this thing

  26. avatar
    princey | 4 August 2010 at 12:14 pm #

    Hi again sk, after reading this blog, I too am concerned about me ‘umble hero. I don’t know what it is, and of course it’s none of our business, so don’t feel pressured to “confess”, but it makes me sad to know you’re suffering like this. I don’t think it’s to do with your wifey(I saw she left a comment using your avatar, so she’s obviously by your side writing lovely stuff etc), I’m hoping it’s nothing to do with your health. It makes me even sadder to think that you’ll be in Melby soon (30days to be exact, but who’s counting!) knowing you’ll be depressed and down in the dumps 🙁
    I hope you overcome whatever it is and return to the olde sk that we all know and love……or do we hmmmmm??????
    Take care and love always,
    Amanda

  27. avatar
    Donna | 4 August 2010 at 12:44 pm #

    ??? What can I say? Whatever it is that you’re going through, I’m sorry that it has to be so painful and difficult. I wish you only happiness. I hope whatever this problem is, that it will be resolved soon.

  28. avatar
    Jasperina | 4 August 2010 at 1:06 pm #

    Resolve in all its truth and purity strengthens us to remain buoyant despite adversity. Have faith Steve because you always have the vision and magic of your imagination. Light and love… Jasperina.

  29. avatar
    skeptical | 4 August 2010 at 2:00 pm #

    Hate to be a skeptic but could it be that Steve’s mysterious sad bit is bringing in the donations so no need to tell us what is going on?? Again, hate to be so skeptical.

  30. avatar
    Anonymous | 4 August 2010 at 6:25 pm #

    are you really surprised she found someone else. there is no room in your life for the love of anyone other than yourself. wake up you selfish prick, you are almost dead and you still don’t get it.

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 4 August 2010 at 7:30 pm #

      dear anonymous
      barking up the wrong tree my fine fucknuckle
      this is not it at all
      ha!
      and
      why do you read my blog n bother coming to my new website
      so full of bile….?
      yet still you remain obsessed with me
      such a fine line between love n hate, eh, turkey?
      your idle idol steve-0

      • avatar
        Altres | 4 August 2010 at 9:09 pm #

        They come here because they are nothing in their own world, but feel hurting you in yours makes their world somehow more. Their obsession is because they feel feelings for you that you cannot and would never reciprocate. They may be either male or female but they need to seek some help and accept it isn’t going to happen with you. Steve, allowing their freedom of speech on your shiny new site tarnishes it somehow. Consider rejecting them for the benefit of us all. 😀

        As to your current plight,

        “To be or not to be– that is the question:
        Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
        The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
        Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
        And, by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep
        No more – and by a sleep to say we end
        The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
        That flesh is heir to – ‘tis a consummation
        Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep
        To sleep, perchance to dream.”

        There are tens of thousands of more days for the Time Being. You shall indeed overcome and see the world through clearer and newer eyes. Everyday.

        All the best at the moment and ever,

        Brian

      • avatar
        ASSMIDGET | 5 August 2010 at 5:02 am #

        Your response will bring him/her back again and again. Not trying to protect you, you can handle yourself. Being a troll myself, being ignored is the worst thing you could do to me.

    • avatar
      Avenging Angel | 5 August 2010 at 1:46 am #

      Anonymous – you are far worse. Cruel and self seeking beyond all selfishness through your attacks, and dead to yourself already if you lack this much awareness. I feel sorry for you.

  31. avatar
    eekie | 4 August 2010 at 7:55 pm #

    “i remain true to myself
    angry maybe
    stupid as well
    but i remain on my own terms despite the worms”

    If you can remain true to yourself, you are doing well. It’s really all anyone can do. I think we all feel angry and stupid when we feel used and abused — how can one not? But don’t let them consume you. There’s much sweetness yet in this life for you. Remain true to yourself.

    Always with much love…

    eekie

  32. avatar
    hellbound heart | 4 August 2010 at 8:41 pm #

    is there something i can do to help?

    love always……

  33. avatar
    Thomas Thomsen | 4 August 2010 at 8:44 pm #

    Steve, I think I’ve finally realized what might be going on with you. It can’t be easy being clean after all these years. Even if you kicked heroin a long time ago you kept on medicating yourself with weed, pot, hashish, whatever you choose to call it, and now that you have to do without any sort of “mood stabilizer” you’re dealing with many different emotions, a lot of pain and anxiety. That’s my guess, anyway.

    I hope you’ll be fine!

  34. avatar
    Wilfred Paradise | 4 August 2010 at 9:51 pm #

    SK10:

    As Job would say, shit falls on the saint and sinner alike.

    So, press on, as before . . . press on.

    Wilfred P

  35. avatar
    isolde | 4 August 2010 at 10:30 pm #

    where there’s a wil
    there’s away

  36. avatar
    Name | 4 August 2010 at 11:04 pm #

    Reading the quotes of [other] philosophers, writers, mere mortals that you have included to the right of this sight (good ones, thank you.)… another very interesting quote comes to mind as I read a back and forth above: “I never explain anything!” — Mary Poppins.

  37. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 August 2010 at 5:32 am #

    For every black cloud, the sun will shine

    For every storm shall pass

  38. avatar
    jactin | 5 August 2010 at 1:27 pm #

    Ah Steven,

    Even in your darkest moments, you manage to inspire with your dignity.

    May the laps release you

  39. avatar
    marc | 5 August 2010 at 1:39 pm #

    hey i signed up! and…hello…

  40. avatar
    R | 5 August 2010 at 1:43 pm #

    Lookit… bass. Thumpit… hup. Bliss.

  41. avatar
    Wilfred Paradise | 6 August 2010 at 11:05 am #

    Hiroshima mon amour.

    WP

  42. avatar
    WantonMyth | 6 August 2010 at 1:03 pm #

    Great blog today, Steve.


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