posted on November 13, 2008 at 7:40 pm

last nite i had the terrible misfortune to watch shine a light
a few misguided souls had vaguely recommended it
and besides
it was martin frickin’ scorsese directing it
it couldnt be a tragic old pile of tripe n bilge, could it?
oh yes it could!
it was bloody woeful
the 1st question is :
couldnt jagger stop sprinting about just for a minute
and…here comes a revolutionary idea, mick….SING?
jagger croaks n barks out the songs without the slightest thought
the words are now meaningless syllables
that he hoarsely shouts as he goes thru his exercise routine
nothing…not even some well deserved irony…no feelings
pass through any of the material
the stones are playin’ in the beacon theatre new york
where your very own olde time rocker played in 88
(as i remember we were tres mediocre!)
an intimate venue for them…
maybe jagger can no longer, like, “personally” perform
he is so used to the huge stadia n mega-domes
he cant stand in a theatre n actually “sing”
you know mick
think about the words
reinterpret them
play with em
change em
hit some actual musical notes
nail the melody
i dont know
but anything
except this
not even hollow or empty
not even anything
i cant even fuckin’ think of an adjective
to truly describe how abysmal jagger has become
now look here mister
i used to worship mick jagger
i read books about him
i imitated him
i still fuckin’ do if i neeed to
listen to the high vocals on crystalline rush..
i loved jagger
i love every stones album up to black n blue
i know the words
i know the myth
ive seen cocksucker blues (the real stones film!)
i was an obsessed n obsessive fan of the stones
and all their implications n innovations
but lets face it by 76 it was all over
unless you like start me up
but i dont
this film is a moral story on peter pans
who are still trying to do the same old thing forever
everything has subtly deterioated into something else
jaggers rebellious feyness is now a prissy queenish awkwardness
his urgent dancing is now a series of aerobic trots n feints
his loquacious hand gestures are now like arm exercises
his animal grace is like a very fit p.e. teacher
whos had too much coffee at recess
his sexual grind is now like chimp getting shocked
everything about it is bloody ‘orrible
the choice of songs is ‘orrible
lets break up the horror with some amazing things:
jaggers hair is amazing
its like boy of 17s hair with all its thickness shine n bounce
not many guys at 45 let alone 65 have hair like that
vince noir will still be proud of jaggers do
ditto for ronnie wood whose hair is thick black n spiky
the 4 main stones are all very very slim
amazing for gents in their 60s…dont forget that
they seem more youthful from a distance
than most geezers half their age
who at 30 are often getting their first set of double chins
jagger must exercise nearly as much as madonna
(saw a pic of her on her latest tour
she would now be a perfect sea-hag…scary stuff!)
and goes to show you can overdo anything
yes it is amazing that a 65 year old can dash about like that
mind you the dashing about completely negates any “singing”
but why be fit if you dont run around n around n around
ok thats it for amazing things
the absolute nadir was jagger singing ” as tears go by”
which stripped of its teenage insolent naivety
becomes a croaky jingle
in which the silly olde sod
cant resist the ever present but meaningless frantic gesticulation
in other numbers
he runs up to drummer charlie watts
pulling a faux face of excitement
but often
too often
jagger comes across as a slightly retarded geriatric ape
his huge mouth opening n closing of its own accord
meanwhile theres keef
you wanna see what an endless diet
of booze n cigs ‘ll make ya look like, kids
keef also invokes some simian comparisons
which is a shame
coz he was once the epitome of cool
a rocknroll pirate or whatever the fuck
elegantly wasted etc
now hes truly of dorian gray proportions
his overdone eyeliner n his funny dangly tassles
make him look like great aunt flo
whose been drinking scotch n having monkey gland shots
he has wrinkles that would make methusaleh do a double take
he shuffles n laughs n mutters
pissed permanently out of his skull
forever puffing on a fucking ciggie
how pathetic
sometimes he looks around the room
with a look of vague panic like a senior cit whose become lost
other times he crouches n rocks just like the old days
the one moment of (fake) authenticity
is when he sings you got the silver
and jagga mercifully pisses off to change his nikes
but seriously
most of the night his playing is rushed sloppy n mediocre
the songs themselves are all pumped out too fast
even amazingly
they fuck up tumbling dice n brown sugar
which sound like a bar band playing at double speed
so they can pack up n go ‘ome early..
any push n pull
or rocknroll
is gone
no friction
no frission
no sex
no love
just putting every thing through a machine
which seems to render it all at the same feelingless tempo
they trot out 3 special guests
the strange pudding face jack white (real name john gillis)
who joins in on loving cup
a piece of dross written years
after jaggers lyrical gifts had deserted him forever
what an embarrassment
sorry i dont like jack gillis white
my wife does
but i’d rather listen to my own tinnitus
than endure one of his turgid ditties
his appeal remains a mystery
and on this showing
hes bleeding awful
then buddy guy….gee
then the truly vile n repulsive christina ugly-leerer
whos as “sexy” as a jar of toenail clippings
and who mangles anything she touches
in paroxysms of overkill
she is the bleeding pits
please take her away n never let me think of her again
oh what a nasty little horror
oh dear
what a hatchet job!
how did anyone ever ok this?
its almost as bad as the church live at the basement….

martin scorsese…. what did you do?

43 Responses to “shiner (lite)”

  1. avatar
    jax | 13 November 2008 at 9:23 pm #

    “martin scorsese…. what did you do? “..probably wrote a check.. I haven’t seen it, now I want to. loved the pan job, what I have seen of Jagger I concurr..but I know he knows too.. that is what’s weird.

  2. avatar
    fantasticandy | 13 November 2008 at 9:33 pm #

    live at the basement is totally ace!
    ….and you know it!

  3. avatar
    steve kilbey | 13 November 2008 at 9:41 pm #

    live at the basement
    is as bad
    as shine a light
    and YOU know it!

  4. avatar
    esne snoner | 13 November 2008 at 9:45 pm #

    yay – at last someone else who thinks shine a light is a load of crap – i’ve been starting to doubt my musical taste with all the fawning i’ve endured over this flick – my enduring memory of the film is how keef and ronnie constantly had their eyes fixed on their left hands – otherwise they’d have to look on embarrasingly at their lead singer or worse make eye contact with the fans – a truely woeful band way past their time – and it ain’t an age thing it’s just that utter refusal to move on lads – rolling drones indeed

  5. avatar
    esne snoner | 13 November 2008 at 9:50 pm #

    …and if you want to see a truly amazing film of an iconic musician – patti smith – dream of life – a wonderful journey with a total bohemian

  6. avatar
    restaurant mark | 13 November 2008 at 9:52 pm #

    “his animal grace is like a very fit p.e. teacher
    whos had too much coffee at recess”

    fucking hilarious! that and a bunch of other lines…but then it’s sad all at the same time. i’ve thought about watching it, but so far have stayed away. i love the stones up to about the same time period. if i ever met them i’d just want to tell them please…no more new records!!! every time i hear a new song…just awful, is all i can think!
    but yes…his hair is still nice…

    take care

    ps- never seen live at the basement…apparently i shouldn’t???

  7. avatar
    princey | 13 November 2008 at 10:13 pm #

    God you make me laugh sk!, nothing worse than seeing try-hard olde rockers acting like 16yo teenyboppers on stage, UNLIKE “The Church-Live at the Basement”, just four great musicians playing great music, no embarrassing hopping around on stage or spiked-dyed-black-hair or “special guests”! I agree it’s not your best live gig, but it aint a crock of poo either!!
    love Amanda

  8. avatar
    princey | 13 November 2008 at 10:18 pm #

    Sk, I just saw a headline that Prince Charlie just turned 60! Wow I can’t believe he’s only 6 years older than you, I thought he was close to 70. You’re still beautiful baybee! that’s for sure!

  9. avatar
    the dean | 13 November 2008 at 10:22 pm #

    i’d rather listen to my own tinnitus – now that’s cruel but fair.

    Now you have often said that you can’t dig no blues based band so it’s surprising that you once held these seasoned rockers in such high esteem.
    To old to rock n’ roll, to young to die.

  10. avatar
    davem | 13 November 2008 at 10:23 pm #

    You didn’t care for it then SK?

  11. avatar
    John | 13 November 2008 at 10:24 pm #

    “but lets face it by 76 it was all over”

    Nice to see I wasn’t the only one who didn’t ‘get’ the album “Some Girls.” It just doesn’t…feel right. Am I choir-preaching here?

    John Garratt

  12. avatar
    John | 13 November 2008 at 10:29 pm #

    “sorry i dont like jack gillis white
    my wife does
    but i’d rather listen to my own tinnitus
    than endure one of his turgid ditties
    his appeal remains a mystery”


  13. avatar
    ml68 | 13 November 2008 at 10:38 pm #

    great stuff…can you do a write up about The Cure next? (although 4:13 dream not too bad I guess…).
    anyway, yes live at the basement is a touch flat, i guess its officially aknowledged now so safe to say…best gigs r never captured on film hey…



  14. avatar
    Queen Hatshepsut | 13 November 2008 at 11:05 pm #

    An absolutely spot-on critique of this wretched, wretched, disappointing, revolting film SK!!!!! In my humblest of opinions of course. And I only managed to get through about 25 minutes of it before I yanked it out of the DVD player and thought “Shit, either I’m too old for this now or this is the biggest piece of crap Scorsese has EVER done and all of the Stones need to be on serious ADD medication.”

    SUCH a shame…but he really didn’t have much to work with did he? I adore Scorsese’s work – discovered “Mean Streets” about 22 years ago and that was it for me. I must’ve had delusions of seeing something akin to “The Last Waltz” which I personally think is a brilliant film – then again – Marty had so many fabulous artists to work with and maybe that film was a product of its time and had more going for it…???

    I laughed so hard at the line about Jagger…that (he is) ‘a slightly retarded geriatric ape’ – OMG, you nailed it! Same with the other dudes – and although I never really worshipped the Stones, I figured COME ON – Scorsese and the Stones, how bad can it be? Oh lo, that I even dared ask the question; I was given my answer in haste!

    Glad to see I’m not the only one who couldn’t stomach this mess. The Stones I don’t care about – sadly Marty seems busy doing a lot of American Express commercials and remakes. I loved The Departed – mostly due to the actors’ performances…but come on Marty, where is the originality? Give us something from YOU…and nothing that ever has to do with Mick Jagger again!

    Great review Steve. Couldn’t have said it better myself!

  15. avatar
    kat | 13 November 2008 at 11:18 pm #

    uh sk,

    shine a light i thought was great the first time i saw it. but the second time no. a big NO! you are right, song choices are bad, but i believe that martin s had a hand in that. the stones live? i would still go see them anytime i could. but i don’t think thats gonna happen.

    and as much as you diss mick jagger and keef, i still think they are cool. come on, now you make them sound like meatloaf live! ha

  16. avatar
    EDD | 13 November 2008 at 11:23 pm #

    Whot the fuck are they supposed to do with themselves? A vegas show? I know people must go for the spectacle and the “I saw the Stones once” or even the basic poser belief “I wanna be “hip” who’s “hip” the Rolling Stones play “rock”; they took “drugs”; they are “bad boys”… aspect. But don’t they make, like over 100 million dollars a tour? I have always believed in the old addage, “The more you drink, the better we sound”…or possibly even look.

  17. avatar
    kat | 13 November 2008 at 11:32 pm #

    the stones -best concert of ’06 for me, quite possibly.. at churchhill downs. either the stones or pj or the who. sk, i liked yer show here but it was sort of like a morgue crowd in there…

  18. avatar
    EDD | 13 November 2008 at 11:38 pm #

    I saw R E M in ’94. Total disappiontment. They pushed general addmission back a gazillion feet and kept telling the audience to shut up(this was behind MONSTER mind you, a ROCK record). I saw Cheap Trick in a much smaller setting and it was the best live show I’ve seen by a major “rock” band. Intimacy counts.

  19. avatar
    kat | 13 November 2008 at 11:49 pm #

    i saw r.e.m. two times in raleigh. both excellent shows! guess it depends on alot o’ stuff, and taste, what makes a good show.

    ok the worst show i saw was joe walsh here in cincy. the bottom has a rocky reputation. ha we left so early.

  20. avatar
    veleska1970 | 14 November 2008 at 12:19 am #

    ummm…i haven’t seen the movie, so i cannot comment.

  21. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 14 November 2008 at 12:40 am #

    well, the strolling bones, ay? made some unreal music in their time, shame that they don’t have the balls to maintain their edge…that’s it, they’ve lost their balls…
    love always….

  22. avatar
    knot | 14 November 2008 at 12:43 am #

    so you are saying this is the prime moment to sell my old Stones 45s and cash in before the crowd realizes what a farce this is?

    Or…err should I have sold them when Some Girls came out? When I was still wearing braces and had to turn in my English homework? (which I did in yellow ink, to the everlasting joy of my educators)

    ::::whispering::: Steven, were they white tennis shoes? I am scared.

    edd=REM in 94, way too late. Should have tried the 80’s. Much better.

  23. avatar
    ed in fl | 14 November 2008 at 12:59 am #

    one of your best blogs – totally hilarious and spot on. How bout some more reviews- you might have found another profession!

    Ed in fl

  24. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 14 November 2008 at 1:11 am #

    Mick in great shape but vocals are gone. Wood and Keef are thin because they smoke all day long. MACCA still puts on a relatively good live concert. Jeff Beck’s the best but he don’t sing or talk.

  25. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 14 November 2008 at 2:38 am #

    Rolling Stone Magazine’s most recent issue profiles their 100 best singers/vocalists of all time. It’s very accessible at their website and it’s certain to provoke any music fan.

  26. avatar
    andmoreagain | 14 November 2008 at 4:07 am #

    I’ve listened to the CD and am very glad that I didn’t bother seeing the movie. She was hot was the highlight! Eyuch.

  27. avatar
    ross b | 14 November 2008 at 6:55 am #

    I suppose I remain stuck in Brian Jones land as far as the Stones are concerned, although I remain totally fond of the 'Gimme Shelter' film…that whole Altamont footage & story continues to fascinate and compel me.

    I'm into the Last Waltz too however folksy-rocky it may be, Scorcese did a fine job with that film, what a great period piece!! All the strung out musos, straggly hair & beards, a pre-punk masterpiece! (And wasn't Joni hot!)

    Seeing the Church live at the Basement in Nov’01 was awesome although I haven’t seen the video of it, nor this new stones film,

    Nice weekend all! rb

  28. avatar
    persephone2u | 14 November 2008 at 9:26 am #

    I’d refuse to watch it point blank on the grounds that everyone involved in it are complete and utter crap. Christina Aguilera is like a really bad version of Dee Snider and Jack White is the unspeakable, I am afraid. A truly ugly man with a face that looks like a squashed up monkey; An ugly version of Johnny Depp with little to no musical skill. Only in today’s era of “music” could he have gotten anywhere. And Morrissey says it all when he sings “Get Off The Stage” — something The Rolling Bones should have heeded long ago.

  29. avatar
    EDD | 14 November 2008 at 9:46 am #

    I wish to hell I could have seen R E M in the 80’s. In a small but not too small club. Ever cross paths with them in the 80’s, SK? I notice you name checked them in an earlier blog. I don’t care if you liked them or not. If you had a bad impression, please let me know. I’m sure that you won’t be offended for me to say I like the Church’s later records better than early 80’s ones that I’ve heard.

  30. avatar
    fantasticandy | 14 November 2008 at 10:43 am #

    i meant it steve…..
    you are your own harshest critic,
    that’s why i love ya…

  31. avatar
    captain mission | 14 November 2008 at 12:29 pm #

    its only rock and roll…

    there is only one ‘great’ music film in my opinion and it is Pink Floyd: Live at Pompeii where the band play to an empty ampitheatre in the remains of the roman village. there is not one sign of another human and the music just speaks for itself as it escorts us through time. its brilliant.

    great review, although i have never and probably will never see this movie. i’d be happy to read more of these reviews, i laughed so much my friend had to help me catch my breath.

    the church at the basement live didn’t capture the magick man, i hope you don’t mind me saying so.

    i don’t know if film can because you guys have mojo that can’t be caught in four dimensions. the only way that may do it is some sort of shamanic cut up montage that breaks open the central nervous system intersected into the film narrative.
    not just a rock and roll band

  32. avatar
    restaurant mark | 14 November 2008 at 1:13 pm #

    i’m not a white stripes fan by any stretch, but i gather a lot of people love his guitar work. speaking of rolling stone magazine brien, didn’t they name him pretty high on the best guitarist list several years ago? which, by the way, a good portion of it made me go…what??? really??? oh, i don’t know if any of you have seen the movie walk hard, the dewey cox story (the director’s cut is the best)…it’s a music parody, spinal tapish…but anyway jack white does play a hilarious elvis presley! so here’s my rem story since a lot of you are mentioning them. two of them, mike mills and bill berry are from here in macon, ga. the best man at my wedding, russ, who i played with in two bands from 1991 through 2004…and is without doubt the best guitar player i’ve ever been around on a regular basis…grew up with mike and bill. well they all moved to athens for college, i believe at the same time and were playing together/starting a band. at some point, russ’s parents thought he was just playing music and partying all the time (which he probably was) and talked him into moving back here and going to school…which he did. then mike and bill met pete, michael…and the rest is history apparently. russ is still pretty good friends with both of them. he owns a recording studio here now…and will be handling most of the guitar duties on my solo project. in fact, him and i are also about to start producing a cd for his ridiculously talented 16 year olds’ band. there’s a lot of musical history in macon…the allman brothers, otis redding are both from here as well. oh yeah…russ is also a huge church fan too…he would want me to tell ya that!

    take care

  33. avatar
    glynnisjohns | 14 November 2008 at 6:42 pm #

    It was as bad as you say, I wanted it to be better. It was just shit.

    Save “you got the silver” which was the only song i actually let play through till the end.

    The boys can’t let it bleed,if they
    did you’d get sawdust.


    I’m going to go listen to Let it bleed and Exile.


  34. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 14 November 2008 at 8:02 pm #

    please help me, I am living with ‘a’ complete gemini idiot, Mary just wasted more money and time on that house up on the hill, I am about to pull the trigger here in this house…

  35. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 14 November 2008 at 8:19 pm #

    captain beyond…..
    don’t do it mate!!!! keep on hangin’ on, buddy!!!
    peace and love…..

  36. avatar
    markobears | 14 November 2008 at 9:32 pm #

    yet the mullet will never fade. Stones are before my time and I’m not a fan. I’m proud of my Iron Maiden though, still touring, still got rocking mullets! Even the blonde thin haired since his 20s guy. Viva La Mullet!

  37. avatar
    steve kilbey | 14 November 2008 at 10:19 pm #

    yes pompeii is THE rock film
    i fucked up a little
    loving cup is of course from exile on main street
    its still a stinker tho’

  38. avatar
    eek | 14 November 2008 at 10:27 pm #

    Guess I won't watch "Shine a Light" then. I have to really like a band to be able to watch concert movies anyway.

    Have to agree with you on Jack White and Christina Aguilera. I find neither at all appealing. They join a boatload of others on my "I just ignore them" list. Seems to work for me.

    The Church live at the Basement — not your best performance. I saw it after seeing you five times on the 2006 US tour and the biggest thing I noticed was you lacked oomph — the songs were nice, but not compelling. And editing out Tim's voice while still showing him singing really bugged the crap out of me. If you have to edit out his vocals then for fucks sake just show him when he's not fucking singing! >:(

    However, since it's usually years, not months, between Church shows in the US, I'm very happy to be able to see Live at the Basement when I really need a fix. And of course, there will come a time when you won't come here at all, and then such footage will be priceless — even if it is kind of oomphless.

  39. avatar
    EDD | 14 November 2008 at 11:17 pm #

    You know I thought about it. You’re right Steve. I haven’t even seen the film but I bet The Stones wouldn’t know what to do in an unplugged setting. They sould do that to break it up a bit. Being that big that long. Could you imagine Keef just sitting on a street corner somewhere and playing solo? Mick going to an open mic night somewhere?

  40. avatar
    steve kilbey | 15 November 2008 at 12:11 am #

    charlie watts coming over to mow yer lawn?

  41. avatar
    CSTCoach | 15 November 2008 at 1:29 am #

    thanks for calling it like it is killa. the stones have been an embarassing parody of themselves for far too long. if i have to suffer another tired rendition of them strutting around to “satisfaction” i may…. i may… i may just be profoundly dis-satisfied. jesus, there’s irony for ya. i can’t get no satisfaction either.

  42. avatar
    matt davison | 15 November 2008 at 4:45 am #

    Yeah it was crap!! but C live at basement…really good I think. great when MWP breaks his strings and plows that riff downtown to chinatown

  43. avatar
    TheFurtherestRealm | 15 November 2008 at 7:12 am #

    I saw the Church live at the basement in the early 2000’s, it was just before Christmas and the party goers were fuelly themselves on drink and food, and chatting amongst themselves, Steve looked stoned, but my enduring memory is of Marty resting his hand and head on his guitar scowling and staring directly at all the talkers, but when it was time for his solos he ripped into them. Fuck all those people that talk through a church gig. Fuck the lot of you.

    Ross S.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.