posted on January 4, 2006 at 5:43 am

ive always enjoyed a good scam
give me a pyramid scheme where the guys
on the bottom lose their shirts
or a goode chain letter rip off
aint human naivete a wonder
about 20 years ago
there was an ad in the rags
enter your poetry in contest
to be printed in new anthology
everyone i knew entered that fuckin contest
and every one of em was accepted for this
grande compendium of aust po
everyone was ecstatic
they pooh poohed ole sk
when he cruelly pointed out the unlikelihood
of em all having gotten in…
then i sussed
everyone who entered WAS accepted
and sho’nuff
they were offered a chance to
buy a “deluxe goldtrimmed plutonium edged” book
containing their own sweet poem
of course everyone WAS planning to forke out
for yon scammy
until wise olde sk popped the bubble
you see
the only people who bought the book
were the hundreds of people who had their “poems”
inside it

now 20 years later
a crew in the us
who give out trophies you have to buy
publish you in book scam as in olde rippoff
or invite you to poetry conferences
which cost an arme
AND
a legge
all to honour you great poet
that you are
i sent them the lyrics to sealine
for a joke
now they wont get off my internet-back
YES MR STEVE KILBEY of NTH BONDI
YOU MAY ALREADY BE THE BEST POET ON EARTH EVER!!!
IMAGINE A THOUSAND OF YOUR POET PEERS
CHEERING AS YOU ACCEPT THE URANIUM ENRICHED IVORY STATUETTE
AND DANCE THE DANCE OF THE SEVEN AMBIGUITIES
IN LUXURIOUS PITTSBURGH
AT THE AIRPORT HOLIDAY INNE
IN 2006
DONT DELAY
BOOK YOUR TROPHY NOW
ALL GUEST SUITES WITH RHYMING DICKTIONARY
AND ROCOCCO THEMES
BE THE FIRST CERTIFIED HANDS-ON POET
IN YOUR NAYBOREHOOD
SPOUT PROSE PO JUST LIKE RIMBAUD
DONT BE LONG, FELLOW
WE ARE SELLING TICKETS FAST
ETC
ETC
PETER CETERA
so ive written back some fierce
and urgent emails…
you can well imagine
including words like fuck
arses
bastards
and so on
any how
they still spam me
trying to scam me
people
please dont fall for this one
if yer a poet
you are
if you aint
you cannae get a fershlugginer certificate
to proove you are
it dont work like that
take olde sk
i did it the slow way
the harde way
a few poems in the high school magazine
DESPITE IMPOSSIBILITY
INFINITY HAS BEEN REACHED
they were the first words
of my first pome
that i ever wrote
which got in
the 1971 lyneham high
school maggy
and some very nice pictures
of the young sk
quite dashing
with ultra long hair do
etc
then
for years nothing
i wrote
i wrote
no one would read the fucking stuffe
i was the greatest poet ever
out of lyneham
…..
all the kids at school said so
and now
none of the buffoons i knew
would read mah po
now with some bestselling boox
topping the poetry charts
all over the plaice
i can look back and have a laughy
yes
i am a rich and famous poet
my works will influence generations to come
i have been translated into many languages
inkluding english
i am sought after
wherever metaphors are mixed
whenever a clever anachronistic flourish
is needed
whenever a young rapper
cant distinguish between
his yeats and his keats
between de posse and debussy
between his van gogh and his mango
there my works are referenced
appendixed
tonsilled
thumbed
pontificated upon
read with interest
and bought by the truckload
they tell ya you cant get rich from poetry
ha ha
lord byron was a fuckin millionaire
i know
i saw michael hutchence play him
(that was shelley. the ED)
shakespeare traded sonnets for opium
can you imagine that
jesus, im jonesing…
oh i’ll write a little fucking sonnet then
sometimes i sell individual poems
on ebay
for hundreds of thousands
i work it out im getting
about 7 k per letter
maybe more for capitals
maybe a little less for commas
but whenever i need something big
i just whip out ye olde prose poem
ha
and i can show you how baybee
don’ ya wanna be a poetess??
enroll now
i guarantee you’ll
be rhymin’ and humming
in pentameter
in next to no time
its easy my way
no hidden talent needed
no previous experience necessary
wanna be poet laureate of england?
and read yer 4th form dribble to queenie e
and prince philly?
thousands of others have….!
it cant fail
even if youve never read any poetry before!!!
youll be churnin’ out yer own fleurs du mal
in seconds
WITHOUT EVEN THINKING!!!
ha ha
you clowns
see you tomorrow

XXXXXXXXXXXX
sk

19 Responses to “sign up here for a new exlusive lifestyle….free!!!”

  1. avatar
    eek | 4 January 2006 at 7:36 am #

    I think you should charge people when they leave comments here (well, not me…’cause I’m special 🙂 and besides I’m giving you this great idea completely free of charge!). You could charge a certain amount per word (triple for ellipses). Everyone would have to set up an account which would dump money directly into your account for each comment left here.

    You’d either get rich, or the comments would suddenly become a lot more pithy. 🙂

  2. avatar
    Anonymous | 4 January 2006 at 9:18 am #

    What a nice image…
    the young sk
    quite dashing
    with ultra long hair do

  3. avatar
    captainmission | 4 January 2006 at 10:13 am #

    ‘between his van gogh and his mango’

    How many pronounced it Goff?
    It’s Go baby. Go.

  4. avatar
    RONIN | 4 January 2006 at 10:43 am #

    “whenever a young rapper
    cant distinguish between
    his yeats and his keats”

    Ha! Great stuff as usual Steve!

    Most young rappers would probably think “yeats and keats” are some newfangled type of sports shoes…

  5. avatar
    aal | 4 January 2006 at 10:57 am #

    No doubt you are a great poet Steve. To me the greatest.

    ciao,

    Davide

  6. avatar
    crack in a smile | 4 January 2006 at 11:54 am #

    Fuck!
    I wish I could take a look at those e-mails you written back to the bastards, that’s for sure.

  7. avatar
    gavgams | 4 January 2006 at 12:15 pm #

    Macro comment:
    Words are spinning out
    Like endless rain into
    My plastic mac….
    The SK way.. across the Universe.

    Microcomment:
    Dream up a scam
    Rake in the clams
    Liquidity

    Illusion:
    Greater happiness

    Delusion?
    The centre can hold
    (slouchng through a veil of Maya?
    a box of Olivetti?, a life?)

  8. avatar
    chukleslovakia | 4 January 2006 at 1:40 pm #

    Seven K a letter, i’m in lust with the idea. wonder what i could get for my Favourite Pack Of Lies? one question though, you speak of long hair so often- why do you keep yers on the shorter side?

  9. avatar
    esskayer | 4 January 2006 at 3:34 pm #

    Roses are Red
    Violets are Blue
    Lookie whatz on the
    bottom of my shoe
    –Esskayer (@2005, All rites preserved)

  10. avatar
    baby | 4 January 2006 at 4:20 pm #

    invited by our queen tonight, tristesse.
    poetesse?
    hah. i hear such can eat their own words.
    doubtful as to the nutritional content however.

  11. avatar
    CouldBeAnyone | 4 January 2006 at 7:46 pm #

    I remember that “poetry contest” scam well. I entered it myself, excited until I realized that the prize was the privilege of buying their stupid book. In retrospect, my poem was dreadful teenage girl tripe anyway. Ah, memories.

  12. avatar
    Handyman | 4 January 2006 at 9:12 pm #

    There once was a man from Nantucket..nah

    Rose are red…nah

    Love is a bloom and ’tis…nah

    I’ll leave the poetry to a true Bohemian and poet

    Maybe I’ll write

    D

  13. avatar
    eek | 4 January 2006 at 9:17 pm #

    Did you notice the comments are shorter for this entry?

    except for mine. hmmm. But remember, I’m special (and I came up with the charging to leave a comment scheme), so I don’t get charged, no matter how long I blather on.

  14. avatar
    Anonymous | 4 January 2006 at 9:22 pm #

    Whenever you feel the urge to dabble in potential internet scams just get yourself an additional temporary address from hotmail or similar so when the spam starts you can just pull the plug.

  15. avatar
    sue c | 5 January 2006 at 12:06 am #

    Steve, my mum got caught by that poetry scam too and yeah, she bought the book but still, its the very first thing I’ll look for when she’s gone.

  16. avatar
    marthalene | 6 January 2006 at 3:59 am #

    hey! i just checked my web email spam repository account and ….NO INVITE TO LOVELY PITTSBURGH FOR ME!
    i WAS nominated as one of 2005’s best poets!
    what the H – E – double matchsticks is going on here???
    have i been roundly dissed?
    i oughta be royally pissed! (one way or t’other!)
    i am suddenly bitter and broken into gristly bits!
    longing for the cry: All Hail ‘Entrails’!

    but there is some cause for joy: Meatout 2006 is coming! woo!

  17. avatar
    rubikon | 1 February 2006 at 3:40 pm #

    Do you charge for the spaces between..?

  18. avatar
    rubikon | 1 February 2006 at 8:30 pm #

    I remember the scam – it was in the UK too.

    I entered this one (I was persuaded to – HA! HA! – my arm was bent outside my back):

    No God above me,
    No God below me,
    No God within me,
    No God without me.

    As you can all see I’m no poet – and I didn’t buy the book – I’m not totally daft.

  19. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 December 2006 at 11:55 pm #

    Hello!

    I have just found your website great
    [url=http://pornus.hearsef.info/3gp-videos-free-xxx.html]3gp videos free xxx[/url]

    [url=http://pornus.hearsef.info/all-time-sex-comics.html]all time sex comics[/url]

    [url=http://pornus.hearsef.info/anal-girl-lesbian-sex.html]anal girl lesbian sex[/url]
    [url=http://pornus.hearsef.info/animated-greetings-of-sex.html]animated greetings of sex[/url]

    [url=http://pornus.hearsef.info/asian-anal-sex-gallery.html]asian anal sex gallery[/url]
    thank
    Bruno Mehlmann


Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.