posted on July 7, 2012 at 5:40 pm

keeper

experiencing difficulty

not asking for advice

i’m talking to the virtual silence

not asking for sympathy or suggestions

i merely murmur into the net

alcoholic elemental won’t let up

that old black spirit always demanding more and more

throws everything into chaos

first i battle my own addiction for 10 years

now i battle my addiction to someone else’s addiction

boy heroin looks like an easy foe next to alcohol

i mean heroin packs some fucking miserable wallop

but booze….. man its everybloodywhere…..

in yer cafe

in yer coffee bar

in yer face in boutique pubs and ads and billboards

alcohol blah blah blah

bottles of wine painted beautifully huge up n down the road

drive-thrus byos liquorshops off-licence bottle-Os go for it you idiots

fuckin’ booze is everywhere a blight on society IF EVER THERE WAS ONE!

its a joke they wouldn’t let you have it if it wasn’t so bad for ya!

thats right the people who protect ya have given us booze n cigs n dead meat

but i digress

a text book co dependent

going up n down with some fiend hell bent on their own destruction

stupid slurred pointless “conversations”

missed appointments

missed opportunity

missed payments

missed life

other idiot drinkers join in

oh they blame n blame n blame other people these drinkers

the world owes them a living

and i’m the reason everyone drinks…

how thoroughly stupid it all is

why don’t i do something?

what can i do?

its all my fault why don’t i do something?

why don’t i throw more money at the drinking?

why don’t i throw more time at the drinker?

after all i twist their arms n make em all drink don’t i

my kids are all sick

we all have some cold or flu making us demoralised and sad

they start picking on the little one

we go out for a walk in the park

the nasty stuff between the sisters keeps going

the stupid phone calls n texts still going off in my pocket

i fall further n farther behind in all the things i’m trying to do

oh well….

its hard to get around to getting any work done….

thats what i guess i mean

alright

will see you all soon

 

 

71 Responses to “the day to day life of a maddened man”

  1. avatar
    Jon | 7 July 2012 at 5:54 pm #

    Damn Steve sorry to hear. Hope it isn’t someone you are playing with, alcohol is a stasis that can suppress creativity and productivity. I know first hand.

  2. avatar
    davem | 7 July 2012 at 6:43 pm #

    Really sad to read this SK.
    There are many of us out here who really care about you and it hurts us when you’re going through a rough patch.
    Thinking of you.
    Much love from blighty.
    x

  3. avatar
    Ryan Murdock | 7 July 2012 at 6:46 pm #

    There’s nothing you can do Steve. People will make their own choices and their own mistakes, and I guess they just have to drag themselves through it. No one changes until they either hit bottom and rebound, or hit bottom and stay there. It’s incredibly sad to see. All you can do is do the best you can for your girls – and yourself. Oh, and chuck the phone in the sea. There ends my uninvited advice. You’re a good man SK. Don’t let the bastards grind ya down.

    • avatar
      sue c | 12 July 2012 at 12:33 am #

      yep I agree with Ryan. But don’t chuck the phone away, just turn it off 🙂 x

  4. avatar
    Boriah | 7 July 2012 at 6:52 pm #

    I really like the pic, back to DABBLE days…
    So sorry to hear about that issue with that guy who´s into alcohol. My opinion is that he needs professional help and that you should try to do your best but without compromising your everyday life, happyness, etc.
    Wish the kids a speed recovery!
    Stay hunting

  5. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 7 July 2012 at 7:01 pm #

    I hope you and the girls feel better as quickly as possible. In 1991 two men drank and drank and drank and than got behind the wheel of a car and drove … right into my babys mother, my wife of only 42 days as she drove home from a double shift , working so very hard to help provide for another mouth to feed, another heart to love and hold dearly…. That changed everything, forever. My strange email address is Laura and my inintials along with our wedding date of May 21, 2000….she is my second bride…
    I am and will forever be a victim of alcohol. I remember alcoholic grandparents cussing and passing out as my father, rest his amazing soul, picked up the pieces of their broken lives. He always knew the right thingto say or do but passed away in 1986…5 years to early, many years to early….Just five years and maybe he could have done something, anything. I was just becoming a man, when I was left on my own to raise a son….the most amazing young man I will ever know. He is studying now with diligence to become a teacher for the very young because there is a alarming shortage of male teachers in a dominant education system where the youth have only one parent, typically only a mother. But I, I was an exception. I worked long hours to provide for my child and became successful in upper record store management and training to become an electrician, to earn more money …to better support my child…..

    Than,
    I was a victim of falty workmanship , possibly by drunken contractors having liquid lunches , I felt the extreme jolt of pure shock and knocked 12 feet to a concrete floor as I was working in 2006 …trying to correct the mistakes of other men/women in a large retail store. My life changed again, forever…it took my.health away from me…forever…
    Alcohol is not find in nature , it is brewed into its devilish form. It is manipulated by people of greed to offer an ‘escape’ to the hard working, or non-working or anyone the fucking booze companies can (and will) market to. It can and will – destroy. It leaves more victims than anything I have ever known…
    I condemn it because it took my life away twice. But I cannot stop it. All I can do now is hope, I hope it doesn’t , ‘change by tragedy’ , anyone else’s life.

    Grand Luck Killer !!! And to anyone else suffering in its destructive path !!!

    I have and will continue to say a prayer for your strength, and for those around you made from love.

    It’s just so complete sometimes…completely insane !!!

    Daz

    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 7 July 2012 at 7:10 pm #

      Please don’t blame yourself, you are just a victim … one of the many that the alcohol is destroying in and around your life. This person, and I am familiar, can and will be saved. With your support and love, they will pull themselves up out of the darkness. Please stay by their side, in any capacity that you are able. Please do not give up. As every moment passes, they need you more than ever. As you learned in a ten year struggle, addiction is possession by a powerful force built on only one agenda…

      Total and complete destruction…

      With unconditional…

      Daz

  6. avatar
    eekie | 7 July 2012 at 7:11 pm #

    Consider yourself hugged.

  7. avatar
    SLJ | 7 July 2012 at 7:58 pm #

    I finally had to let someone go who I was really close to (we’re related and were best friends) because of her alcoholic rages. I just couldn’t take the verbal abuse anymore. I’m pretty sure the alcohol will kill her if she doesn’t get help, but it was coming to the point where if I didn’t step away the stress of dealing with her was probably going to kill me. I will always, ALWAYS be there if she asks for help to deal with her addiction. I will do everything in my power to help and support her, but until then we’re done. It’s been 6 months and I still feel guilty but I also feel more peace and calm. You might just have to walk away for a while – it doesn’t have to be forever. Let them know you’re there for them when they’re ready to get help. Good luck and hope you’re all feeling better very soon.

  8. avatar
    Mlk | 7 July 2012 at 8:21 pm #

    Manhug to ya

  9. avatar
    Melissa | 7 July 2012 at 9:41 pm #

    madden’d is not so bad 🙂

    but I feel so bad reading this… I’m so sorry Steve you’re going through such a taxing time. I kinda know what it’s like, very stressful and frustrating. wish there was something more I/we could do to help. Take care and hope your girls will be ok xx

  10. avatar
    foolonthehill | 7 July 2012 at 9:59 pm #

    Don’t know why…had to send you this 🙂 http://youtu.be/EDW9z_B9mGQ

  11. avatar
    kerri moss | 7 July 2012 at 10:09 pm #

    if this person was with you during your dark days than i guess you are now there for them…lifes abit of a mirror sometimes..freakin teenagers man but that will also change and the dreaded flu will too..spring is around the corner. a time of change and growth….wish i could help..let me know if theres anything you need. oceans of love k xxxx

  12. Jmb066
    Jmb066 | 7 July 2012 at 10:32 pm #

    Hope you all feel better Steve.

  13. avatar
    colette | 7 July 2012 at 11:19 pm #

    Away from my passions, Austrayan kulcher is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick or as I heard someone say on Friday night, ‘I’m so sober it’s not funny.’ My halo is looking somewhat tarnished these days, beg pardon.

  14. avatar
    Serge Zéni | 8 July 2012 at 1:11 am #

    I’m extremely tolerant with these things.
    But I agree.

  15. avatar
    narelle | 8 July 2012 at 1:18 am #

    can’t agree more with being addicted to someone else’s addiction…or even our own stupid patterns of addiction in our day to day living…and for the greater part most of that stuff turns out to be a big waste of time
    that person needs to get third party help…sick to death of people with issues dragging their friends and families down…and they will only if you let them
    love and support from friends and families…thats fine

    get well soon…water, slow release vitamin C (non-acidic version, 1,000 mg)and the hardest thing of all…rest…screw work, it will wait!!

  16. avatar
    Estelle M | 8 July 2012 at 2:17 am #

    Sorry to hear this, S.

    Chin up.
    There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

  17. avatar
    Lara | 8 July 2012 at 6:41 am #

    Sorry you’re feeling besieged, SK. I wish I could say that I knew how to be engaged in a lot of projects without constantly feeling “behind.” Since you’re bursting with new ideas, plans, and endeavors, I suspect you might feel this way for a while to come . . .

    On another note, I always wanted to live in a lighthouse (like Tove Jansson, another inspiration).

    xoxo Lara

    • avatar
      matthew | 8 July 2012 at 7:47 pm #

      Lara – nice to read of another soul touched by Tove Jansson. “Moominpappa At Sea” (English translated title) will always be a favourite. Incredible insightful writing… and drawing!

      • avatar
        Lara | 9 July 2012 at 9:29 am #

        I know, right? Such a weird, moody, but wonderful book. It’s like Bergman meets Alice in Wonderland. And a real command of language, too–those sentences!

        I’ve read that Jansson actually did move into a lighthouse on a small island, and went somewhat insane, unfortunately… so maybe I should say, step away from the lighthouse, SK!

        • avatar
          Lara | 9 July 2012 at 9:52 am #

          Just thought I should add that I don’t mean to joke about your situation, SK. “Old Black Spirit” is one of the saddest (and most powerful) songs I’ve ever heard. If it is at all like what you’re dealing with now, my heart goes out to you.

  18. avatar
    Lick Her | 8 July 2012 at 6:50 am #

    Two words, Jim Morrison. Another two words, Jack Kerouac. Would you suggest Prohibition again? 2030 Prohibition-a hundred years later? Well, maybe if they legalized marijuana, so many people wouldn’t booze it up!? They have soooo many things illegal now that the only legal substance available is booze really! If you work any corporate job your subject to a drug test so why not go out for Happy Hour?

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 8 July 2012 at 8:41 am #

      morrison n kerouac were both fucked by booze!

      • avatar
        Lick Her | 9 July 2012 at 5:55 pm #

        Exactly! This is why i mentioned them. Ever watch the video interview with Kerouac weeks before he died (i think weeks?) (probably on youtube by now), he got pretty pathetic near the end, all bloated and shit…same goes with Morrison, bloated, tired, and fucked up! Sad & a real shame really.

  19. avatar
    reid | 8 July 2012 at 7:06 am #

    having been though somewhat similar circumstance as you know, the one thought that has kept me at peace and restored my own balance is fully accepting that you cannot make someone else do what they themselves do not wish to do. it may not make the practical concerns of living easier to deal with, or eliminate the feelings and sights as they unfold around you, but they have to make their own choice. i’m sure you know it, i’m sure you’ve said it. anything else other than that will be a fleeting solution at best, unfortunately.
    well wishes as always.

  20. avatar
    Steven Krut | 8 July 2012 at 10:01 am #

    Sorry all that bad stuff is happening, Steve. Hang in there.

  21. avatar
    Cocoamo | 8 July 2012 at 10:38 am #

    Procrastination is demoralizing enough without sickness, alcohol issues, and sibling squabbles piled on. May tomorrow be a better day all around.

    Meanwhile, to cheer you up,how about a good ‘ol English pub song for a bit of irony? Sick but silly – typical English humor.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo

  22. avatar
    Cocoamo | 8 July 2012 at 10:48 am #

    Here’s a bit sweeter version to sooth the soul.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-INytyFNt5E

    Your Friend in Pennsylvania

  23. avatar
    similar familiars anonymous | 8 July 2012 at 12:01 pm #

    i’m glad you’re not asking for advice – i’ve got none – you have my sympathy – in case it’s any consolation, you’re not alone – i haven’t kept accurate time records but someone very close to me (even i mistake myself for him in old photos) gave about 10 years to heroin, has now shared about 10 years with methadone while abdicating heavily to alcohol for the last ? years – it’s left him pretty well … less pretty and less well – FUCK! – i don’t/can’t think about it too much or too often anymore – i know i can’t change him – i know that if he tried to change for me or anyone else without really embracing the change from his heart of hearts it would only be another mask that would wear thin in time – i feel sad for him and what’s been lost (he was truly gifted) and feel guilt about whether i should have done/do more – sometimes it’s hard to tell those feelings apart – anyway, i don’t like what seeing him does to me – i do not judge – i am tolerant – that’s who i am – but when i see him i want to grab him and scream … so, i try to be polite when i see him at unavoidable gatherings and i accept that my loved one has a disability that i can neither cure nor deal with – now, please excuse me while i log off to bawl.

  24. avatar
    demon | 8 July 2012 at 12:40 pm #

    its just sugar!

  25. avatar
    Chris | 8 July 2012 at 3:10 pm #

    Doc Neeson of The Angels: ‘ I went through a long time of abusing alcohol…a painkiller for the soul.’ Having battled it myself, I reckon Doc is right. Addiction is frequently a spiritual issue….struggling with the search for meaning and purpose, self-acceptance, psychic and emotional pain, and the bullshit macho-male culture of Australia that says ‘Big boys don’t cry’….utter crap. Addiction….another of life’s difficult mysteries……

  26. avatar
    Michel | 8 July 2012 at 5:04 pm #

    Your murmur seems to echo a lot around the “virtual silence”.
    Sympathy is all we can answer unfortunately.
    My profession involves me nearly daily with alcohol problems, but there is no real solution until the person is aware that he/she needs help.
    There is always hope anyway. I remember an angry man ten years ago, each time I was meeting him was a real torture for me. He was mean and aggressive. I kept helping him anyway. One day he became very ill. His wife had never realized his alcohol problem and she thought I was lying to her (she finally found a big amount of bottles hidden in the house basement…). I told her that her love and her patience was the only solution and she struggled hard until he recovered. Now the man lives happily, he is the nicest man on earth and each time I see him is a real pleasure…
    All you need is love and patience of a brother/lover.
    Bon courage !

  27. avatar
    matthew | 8 July 2012 at 8:05 pm #

    Steve I’m really sorry to hear about this struggle. For a time in my life I got locked into pattern of drinking to try to shut out pain, so I’m familiar with the psychology. Ultimately sudden illness meant I had to stop, which made it blessing in disguise because I had to learn all over again to just ‘go through’ pain on a day-to-day basis and not ‘medicate’ it away with cab merlot.

    Thoughts and prayers your way anyway, I’ve also done that co-dependent dance enough times in my life for sure.

  28. avatar
    That Girl | 8 July 2012 at 8:30 pm #

    ok, man up ,sk . You are and will always be a musician no mistake but along the way you became a husband and father ,you took these roles on. As a husband well you believed in love as a father it was love no turning back , it wasn’t about you anymore and it will never be again , you are surrounded by girls sk , what, you thought it was going to be easy. Yes drink will kill you but don’t come down on the drink that’s another easy blame excuse really isn’t it , we all know it’s a front to a real problem.Someone’s drinking ,slowly killing themselves because they are hurting ,it’s not rocket science.Some folk just hurt and we will never know unless they let us in, or we know the problem and we choose to blame the drink because it’s easier for us.It works both ways. So you do the best job you can sk.It’s called life.You talk to all of us out here and we will be here if you need us all. It’s Sunday night we all have to deal in the real world tomorrow , dream tonight though.

  29. avatar
    MP | 8 July 2012 at 9:58 pm #

    I’ve never been in the place you’re in now so, even though I can imagine what it’s like for you, I can’t really feel what you’re feeling. But I can remember how it felt to be where the other party’s at.

    My addiction wasn’t alcohol but tobacco, coupled with an eating disorder (that I’ve almost overcome). The people who loved me expressed concern by ‘pushing’ me. Each and every one of them did and said the wrong things, so I’d get angry when they’d push and I’d push back even harder by smoking more and eating less.

    I see now that determining change doesn’t just happen by chance or of its own accord. Nobody comes along and waves a magic wand. Potions may be mixed and spells flexed but, mostly, determination comes after some kind of motivation, which leads to ACTION. My motivation to stop killing myself began when a close relative’s life ended prematurely due to avoidable factors. I entered the ‘action’ stage of change and with the right motivation have managed to maintain the change.

    Coming back to the person in your life with the problem, I know you’re not asking for advice but here’s some. From the insight your blog has given me I’ve gathered that this person is quite young in years and younger still in life experience, regardless of the several years that this soul has probably spent being number one and many important things to at least four other people. And even though one very important person was sometimes away, the absentee was there all the time up until (I think) a devastating turning point that changed the ‘there’ all the time to ‘nowhere’ (most of the time).

    Anyway, regardless of when and how the alcohol problem started, for it to stop the person must be motivated to make a change. If you keep pushing the wrong way you won’t get anywhere. The more you push the more push back you will get. If you argue with this person, they will more strongly believe their position and hold their ground at the end of that argument. This poor mortal is likely overwhelmed by tasks at hand. Some commenter/s suggested letting the person hit rock bottom but I think this is bad advice. You can’t just wait for this person to help them self.

    If I were you I would intervene with the help of professionals who know how to match the interventional interactions with the lifestyle change you want for the addicted. Ultimately it’s this being’s mountain to climb but you – together with professional help – can help map the route to change. Sure, it’s their journey but I don’t think you should let them travel it alone. This person doesn’t need to be reminded of the risks, dangers or consequences of alcoholism but rather they need you to help build their confidence. You might ask yourself, how do you build a suffering person’s confidence? The experts will tell you over and over again that you should possess genuineness, warmth and empathy. Do you? Do you (really) have these qualities to give and share? I hope you have, and I hope you can inspire and motivate the change, not just recommend it.

    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 9 July 2012 at 10:48 am #

      Great Comment !!!

      Great Contribution !!!

      I wish you all the best.

      Daz

    • avatar
      Anon | 12 July 2012 at 12:10 pm #

      Unfortunately they’ve tried all that MP and it hasnt worked

  30. avatar
    david | 9 July 2012 at 4:31 am #

    ..love’s a real joy-killer(next solo project?) huh… Physician , heal thyself…

  31. avatar
    david | 9 July 2012 at 4:36 am #

    …Anchorage ,…in real time…if thoughts count as prayers…we’ve got you covered.

  32. avatar
    Andreas | 9 July 2012 at 5:10 am #

    I am standing next to you. I can’t do anything factual. But I am standing next to you. I am sending you all my warmest vibes. There’s a whole army of people here, standing next to you.

    Andreas
    Genoa/Italy

  33. avatar
    Linjo | 9 July 2012 at 8:03 am #

    Accountability is enlightening for an alcoholic. As they say in AA ‘poor me, pour me’. No one is responsible for anyone’s addiction. You never know Steve, this could be a good thing. The future may hold something wonderful and real once rock bottom is hit and a corner turned. I hope so! There is so much for your loved one to live for, so much xxx Linda

  34. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 July 2012 at 4:11 pm #

    Hi sk (mr dj),

    I was typing a comment and it disappeared into cyber space before I finished. Computers!!!! so many problems with it lately!
    Sorry to read some bad things are happening at the moment, wishing the good vibes/energy to make everything positive.
    Hope the girls are a lot better, sure the park helped you all.

    Great idea to spin some records at The Whisper Bar,good to hear Genesis hand’t heard them for a long time, sorry we missed Mick. I’ll never part with my vinyl Blurred Crusade, it’s very special to me. Glad I still have a small record collection. The day after the Whisper what song should come on the radio,
    Under the Milky Way of course.

    Hope things improve quickly.

    Peace & love
    Ms Therese
    (one of your No 1 NSW fans)

  35. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 July 2012 at 5:52 pm #

    addiction to solving or entering the addictions of others is a tangled web. my biggest addiction at the moment is to people’s criticisms of me. How to just ignore them, even if they have misrepresented what i have written? Why can’t i just let it go? Something to do with words in print or on internet cements my entrapment…it’s really quite narcissistic and shadow territory for someone who doesn’t care what people think… i’m so fucking flawed.

  36. avatar
    Linjo | 9 July 2012 at 7:19 pm #

    Dear Steve, I have been thinking about you this afternoon at work (along with a friend’s nephew who was bashed at Kings Cross on the weekend and is going to die. ie I have been thinking about referendums for capital punishment). Your story of course is so different. My own dear bunny (10) has a father who is a hopeless useless alcoholic but so incredibly intelligent and loving in his own pathetic way. We have been through years of drama and disappointment. My Georgia has evolved into a kid with a really good sense of self. She knows how valued she is and is really starting to understand the whole reality of having an alcoholic parent. She forgives him, she understands the addiction, well sort of. I have really made myself a better more responsible person to make up for the discount she got from her father. What I am saying, and you probably already know, is that if a child has a sense of being valued, they will blossom so well and will surpass any sense of having lost something. I always tell her how very talented and artistic her daddy is and that he does love her so much and give her hope that things will come good one day. She knows that it is not her fault, that is the main thing. x

    • avatar
      sue c | 12 July 2012 at 12:38 am #

      Condolences Linjo. I was very saddened to hear about that young boy

  37. avatar
    hippy | 10 July 2012 at 5:22 am #

    Have a drink on me (of hot tea n’lemon to soothe your cold and other pains)

  38. avatar
    narelle | 10 July 2012 at 9:41 am #

    hmmm…a blight on society…well for the greater part we would all agree to that
    but can’t get around the fact that we do go to places that sell alcohol
    so where does that leave us in the scheme of things?
    its not like you’d see the Dalai Lama at the local in Kings Cross even if his favourite band was doing a show
    or the Hare Krishnas feasting at Sizzlers
    probably does not matter
    so instead of blah blah blah…simply do no harm………..easy!!

  39. avatar
    DavidP | 10 July 2012 at 10:12 am #

  40. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 July 2012 at 7:53 pm #

    Nah, I don’t go anywhere that sells alcohol. I boycott anything I disagree with – it’s hard work and it’s inconvenient and it costs me more than it costs the perpetrators. But I still do it. Does it make adifference? No, not to them – I’m sure they don’t miss my withheld financial contributions or my sparkling presence. But at least I know I ain’t perpetuating something I hate.

    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 10 July 2012 at 10:12 pm #

      Your being as true to your beliefs as possible, its admirable and difficult. I just try to keep the memory of those iv lost to alcohol , as current as I can. Victims , yes…but no one or nothing…can take away my memories of all that was once grand and pure.

      Keep your stance strong !!!

      Daz

  41. avatar
    hellbound heart | 10 July 2012 at 8:50 pm #

    addiction to alcohol…..know it well, intimate with the way it fucks lives and families and people’s heads…..
    <3

  42. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 July 2012 at 9:45 pm #

    SK:

    Try Isadore.

    WP

  43. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 10 July 2012 at 10:16 pm #

    How are you doing Killer ???

    Hope all those under the weather are feeling better…

    And I hope your heavy heart can become a little lighter,
    ya mean the world to so many…I wish we could help you
    so much more than with just words…

    Best wishes and good luck !!!

    Daz

  44. avatar
    colette | 11 July 2012 at 12:15 am #

    I still believe the source of these kind of problems have to do with power relations between people. People exercising power over others in a negative way, people submitting to it out of fear. Some adults have become so conditioned to the behaviour they don’t even see it. They seek escape through abuse. It’s only when you see people as people, including yourself, that you can set yourself free. So maybe you deal with some family and friends. Then you realise there is the whole of society that needs to change. What can one do? Do what you can. Then you remember your children and you want to try not to repeat the same mistakes through them. That is some commitment. It’s not easy but you love the kids, so that is why you carry on. Or because of whatever your passion is. Look after your whole self the best you can. Faith, love, courage, peace. And undoubtedly their opposites, which only lead you back again…you can only appreciate the good because of the bad.

  45. avatar
    Once | 11 July 2012 at 2:05 am #

    ((sighs))

    I know. I really do. As someone who has always used alcohol as a coping mechanism, I fully understand the psychology behind the addiction. A bit of background – recently quit my soul-sucking call center job, pulled my savings, paid off my debt and enrolled in a (fairly expensive) Media Arts program. All in a span of like, two weeks. I am currently unemployed and uninsured, by my own choice. Stress? HUGE. I’ll be 48 in less than a week, and I’m walking a tightrope without a net. Yet – the reason that I had to do it is because I have never had anything in my life that was deeply fulfilling, on a soul level, and this is. It sings to every creative fiber in my being. Drinking now seems like a colossal waste of time. I’ve felt the cosmic “click”.

    Drinking functions for many as an emotional painkiller. I agree with MP’s comment above – especially, “how do you build a suffering person’s confidence?” The physical aspect of alcohol addiction can be overcome in 2-3 days. The psychological part, though – well, that can be a result of a lifetime of experiences. It can be hard for an outside party to understand, especially someone who is emotionally involved. “Just stop fucking drinking!” Oh, really? Shit! There’s the answer, why didn’t I think of that! Ok, now what? Argh – the future – who am I? What am I supposed to be doing? I’m not good enough. I’m a drinker. Might as well drink.

    Oversimplified? Perhaps. But the answer is in the REASON that someone drinks. What negative thoughts and emotions are at play here? Alcohol’s not a demon – low self esteem and fear are.

    “and i’m the reason everyone drinks…” Look at this statement. If anyone has ever blamed you personally for their avoidance of reality, there are two things you should keep in mind. One, that YOU are not the reason, but two, this person has issues with whatever interpersonal relationship you have. There are probably self esteem issues at play, and for whatever reason, you are a “trigger” for this person’s issues.

    It isn’t up to you to “change”, of course – but as a trigger figure you’ll always be fighting a losing battle here. The drinker needs one-on-one professional counseling to get to those underlying issues. And, as Linjo said above – ACCOUNTABILTY, but not to you, to an outside party who can examine the issues objectively and unravel the knots that are blocking this person’s self esteem. Someone who will say – “Of course you drink. Look at the negative thoughts and feelings going on here. It’s okay. Now forgive yourself, and let’s move on.”

    I’m not a therapist, but I’ve been to enough of them, and been on the other side long enough to know – the “tough love” approach doesn’t work. The drinker thinks less of herself than anyone else ever could. That is the problem, and that is what needs to change.

    That cosmic “click”, that sense of purpose, can come for everyone, but it can take an enormous amount of courage, and encouragement, to get there. It’s f**king scary, I tell ya. What’s odd though, is that drinkers are often considered “weak”, when in reality, it’s much harder to exist in that realm. Once a person realizes this, they can take those steps to true freedom.

    Love and prayers for you and family –
    Donna

    • avatar
      Linjo | 12 July 2012 at 7:14 pm #

      Donna as always you are right on with getting to the true core of things. So happy that at your age (our age) you have found something to excite you. Funny in Australia we don’t worry too much about being insured. Our government pays for it all (though we have to wait). I have been watching the most excellent series Breaking Bad which has really brought home the situation in the USA if you don’t have health insurance. Good luck kid xxx (thanks Steve)

      • avatar
        Once | 15 July 2012 at 8:48 am #

        Thanks, Linjo (and Steve for the sharing and the forum)…insurance thing in America is a huge mess that I won’t go into here…but you get the idea. Thank you for your kind comment, glad I got to ((cyber)) meet you!!

  46. avatar
    plumlady | 11 July 2012 at 7:58 am #

    Your girls are so lucky to have you….CLEAN, creative, always supportive from both sides of the sea. Alcohol is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced with a partner but I always thought heroin MUST be worse,,,but I believe you’re correct about it. Alcohol is much harder on a female too. One thing I bet, depending on how much the girls are witness to the effects of alcohol; they won’t go down the same path. I didn’t….and sometimes I relive the experience of others trauma as a reminder that it’s poison.

  47. avatar
    Anonymous | 15 July 2012 at 10:20 am #

    in our hearts and minds to bring forward that stunning white light/energy [we] always hope won’t stay away too long once it passes… if [we] go back to a place where there was nothing in control of another and find that memory… something magnificently beautiful about the person who’s now in trouble… before they were – when, instead, they were happy -without being dragged down by what became their addiction, and then [we] work real hard to bring that stunning “them” back, face to face (!!) in the most perfect ideals of detail – so exact/so real that both are able to float in their own transport back, – and laugh/smile traveling back/from — really happy to see [them] again: how they felt when thoughts naturally flowed: wow – how did I come upon such fortune to be with you right then/(now)? then, find another memory of the same type euphoria (that person) felt before falling; one [we] thought lucky to be part of… and now get to remember. then, maybe the reality of beauty/peace being felt by them currently, will help take them forward past the maddened control inflicted now. Not hypnosis; transportosis (?) Go back to reality so it can become again and then go forward, just not in the same direction. I think it works. even if it didn’t, the time given to take them, and ourselves too, back to a memory of reality becomes a better here and now for them in the time spent. (hope everyone has started feeling better; bet so.)

  48. avatar
    Once | 19 July 2012 at 2:27 pm #

    Talked about you tonight and agreed
    Something there, unseen
    Something we love, and never had
    But sometimes these things can be bad

    Nouveau riche, nouveau man
    Sometimes doing more than you can
    Lovely lady lost in time
    And maybe you just lost the rhythm of the rhyme

    Oh, we all wanna go
    Where you’ve been
    See the things you’ve seen
    But oh, we don’t wanna know
    What it takes, from you, from her
    And everything between

    Talked about you tonight, and
    Sure you’d disagree
    Maybe thinking that it’s a slight, but
    It’s all in sympathy

    Nouveau riche, nouveau man
    Doing all that you can, and I am just a fan, but
    You’re lady’s lost in time, listenin’ to your rhyme
    Go out and find her.

    Oh, we all wanna go
    But maybe we don’t, and maybe we won’t
    And maybe we’ll be left behind
    Listenin’ to the rhyme
    Listenin’ to your soul
    I tell you it never it gets old

    But there’s a lot more…
    To be told.

  49. avatar
    Once | 19 July 2012 at 4:23 pm #

    What do you expect her to do? Disappear?

  50. avatar
    Sara Clark | 22 July 2012 at 3:07 am #

    Sorry I had not read this earlier. ((Hugs)) to you all xxxx


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