posted on July 21, 2008 at 9:02 pm

old face-ache was the king of the goblins
he was a hobgoblin in fact and a right bastard
he was married to bloodblister the witch a real bitch
and they had a brood of unpleasant brats
no bloody wonder i need to get outta here …face-ache thundered
how can i dream up evil and malice with this lots racket?
i thought you bloody enjoyed a nasty din…said his wife
ONLY IF I’M BLOODY MAKING IT MESELF !! bawled the king
and then he strode out of their home
which was an abandoned eagles nest
connected to a big hollow tree
‘ere you lazy sprites and bent pixies
hey you dopey gobs
call yourself imps or fucking wimps?
get your armour shining ,boneswax
you, mr stinkjolt, straighten your bloody gaiters
and whats this…? pimple and bumballs?
sir!?
wheres my cup of cold vomit with a hair in it?
bumballs proffered a cup to the king
face-ache exploded
THIS BLOODY VOMIT IS WARM YOU IDIOT
WHO WANTS TO DRINK WARM VOMIT IN THIS WEVVER?
after the king had been placated with some brownie soup
he called his generals around him
orright lads, gimme the story on the war
and no bullshit please gentlemen
cos you know i will have yer guts for fishnet garters
i’d love to see olde bloodblister in fishnets.. giggled a general
oh would you now indeedy …? said face-ache turning on him
sorry king, it was just a joke…said the cringing gob
a joke….? a joke….?
well it was not funny
the fishnets were not for my wife
if i gave ’em to her, she’d go n catch eels in ’em..
they were for me…oh ha ha ha..!
and face-ache prodded the cheeky black goblin with his pitchfork
anyway…enough of this malarkey boys….
and
show me the dead faeries…..!
face-aches face was ugly and grim
we got some problems in the military oh king ..said hogeye
what kinda problems ..said the king
outbreaks of goodwill, sire…
GOODWILL??!! the king fumed
and little kindnesses ….
LITTLE KINDNESSES??!!
blokes dishing out compliments without warning
FUCKING COMPLIMENTS!?
the king rounded on his generals
he straightened his stolen gold crown on top of his big ugly bonce
he was bloody impressive in his ‘orribleness
no ordinary goblin could challenge a hob
and face-ache was pure hob as far as any gob could remember
sire….? general wartsley an old goblin spoke up
yes wartsley you senile olde gremlin ..what is it?
some of the men are afraid, sire
they say the faeries have got johnny goblinkiller back..
WHAT?!
sire, he’s already killed 7 of my best men…
WHAT?!!
sire, the boys are grumbling about it and…
WHAT??!! GRUMBLING……?
cool down sire…we have a plan
A PLAN GENERAL WARTSLEY….YOU BETTER “AVE A PLAN…
wartsley called something to one of his men who ran off
he was back in a jiffy with a prisoner
he pushed the prisoner into the kings presence
and all the goblins began to jeer and call out
SILENCE YOU HAIRY BOLTS! he ordered
what is this we have here , wartsley? he asked in a growl
it is a half human half faery child, lord said wartsley
a groan of anger went up from the goblin soldiers
and they surged forward towards the prisoner, bristling
BACK YOU FILTHY SQUID! yelled the king and they fell back
sire we captured her wandering in the whispering wood
aha! said face-ache..pull back the hood..!
a goblin soldier pulled back the childs hood
to reveal a pale tearstained face
the girls mouth had a dirty scarf tied over it
let this monster speak said the king coldly
the soldier undid the scarf and prodded the girl forwards
what is your name, you ‘orrible childe?
face-ache asked in a voice of ice
what is your name and whither were you bound?
the girl choked back a sob
my names kathy…she said

19 Responses to “the whispering wood”

  1. avatar
    princey | 21 July 2008 at 10:37 pm #

    Jeezuz sk, you must’ve been fired up this morning to vomit this one out so early haha!! pimples and bumballs yeeeek! But come on sk, as if this ugly f***er would use the word “malarkey” back in them oldeee days!!!!!
    Thanks for the giggle mr wiggle!
    Love Amanda

  2. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 July 2008 at 10:46 pm #

    ogie bogie custard.snot n bogie pie.all mixed together in a dead dog’s eye.get a piece of toast,and spread it thick.and wash it down with a cold cup of sick.;( x

  3. avatar
    Polydora | 21 July 2008 at 11:17 pm #

    Excuse me ‘orrible goblin, I think I might be lost. Seems I took a turn toward a deep wood where I ought not.

    You see, I was trying to find my way to the Time Being when I fell into a dream…

    😉

  4. avatar
    Richard | 21 July 2008 at 11:24 pm #

    reading your fantasy stuff makes me sure that you would love the films of Hayao Miyazaki

    i’m probably preaching to the converted, but if not, there are at least half a dozen masterpieces that have the rare quality of being just as appealing to adults as to kids

    Spirited Away and Howl’s Moving Castle are probably his most well known but My Neighbour Totoro and Kiki’s Delivery Service are absolute delights

    true genius

  5. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 July 2008 at 1:02 am #

    Q.E.D. !by george,i think,i got it!twas a hiding,in that there tree,ye see 😉

  6. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 22 July 2008 at 1:05 am #

    Alexander Pope envisioned Steven Kilbey when he declared that genius hovers one story above insanity.

    Daniel Johns is a great vocalist!
    Brian Johnson is not.

    Watched Ultimate Fighting a few nights ago and the band Megadeth sounded like the howls and bowels of Hell.

  7. avatar
    kat | 22 July 2008 at 1:18 am #

    ha ha too much, sk, your play on words in this one. what a den of iniquity! better kathy than kat, tho.

    yes brian, megadeth is a theme but really the worst kind of music. or noise, rather>

  8. avatar
    kat | 22 July 2008 at 1:24 am #

    brien, not brian… my bad.

  9. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 22 July 2008 at 4:29 am #

    Thank u Kat. Nobody in Australia compares to SK as a vocalist and lyricist. At one time I thought Silverchair was horrible. Daniel Johns was purported to be the next Cobain. Did not happen.

    Young Modern is a great CD with three majestic songs. “Reflections Of A Sound” “Those Thieving Birds” and ” Waiting All Day”. Better than Coldplay and that’s very good. Very late in Chicago it’s time for my insomia sleep !

  10. avatar
    eek | 22 July 2008 at 5:19 am #

    I’m enjoying this tale, SK, it’s quite a romp. You have a wonderful, vivid imagination.

  11. avatar
    woods | 22 July 2008 at 6:32 am #

    Crivens! Do go on….

  12. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 22 July 2008 at 6:41 am #

    cold/warm vomit with a hair in it…must be time for me to go and cook some dinner…yum yum!
    love always…

  13. avatar
    linjo | 22 July 2008 at 6:44 am #

    Steve, just wanted to say how entertaining your tales like these are. I have vivid visuals as I am reading. I love the way you put words together. General Wartsley could be a good name for my father when he gets in one of his dominant moods! as for face ache, we all got one of them in our lives. Thanks! Gotta get back to the pumpkin soup (or punkin as they say in the country! samiches, advocado etc. haha) On a similar note, an expression that is now being used by every fuckin tom dick and harry is “its all good”. I feel like saying, “I never asked you how it is mate, so shut up you parrot!” Linda X happy daze

  14. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 July 2008 at 9:02 am #

    “My name’s Kathy…” she said, “and I want to hear about fucken Heyday!”

  15. avatar
    dumb-arse | 22 July 2008 at 10:44 am #

    Hey man, this is like a fairy story.

  16. avatar
    lily was here | 22 July 2008 at 12:14 pm #

    ABC: You’ll have to remove some of the swearing Sir, just some of it, a couple of the F words, before we show this to the kids, not that we’re stuffy, but, you know …

    CH7,9,10 – Can you make the lead character a little more handsome? Can he sing and dance too?

    SBS – perfect Killer but we vant it a little more sexeee 🙂

    xxxxx

  17. avatar
    iseult | 22 July 2008 at 12:17 pm #

    faery brother wander farther

  18. avatar
    davem | 22 July 2008 at 6:00 pm #

    Hurry up with the next part.
    Sue C..over here it’d be….
    Channel 5: We don’t give a stuff about the story, who’s got the biggest knob?
    Oh and the cup of vomit with hair in it sounds a tad like my local. Well, a Friday night just wouldn’t be a Friday night without it…

  19. avatar
    fantasticandy | 22 July 2008 at 9:37 pm #

    bloody hell dave!
    no wonder we don’t go drinking together……..
    a bloody hair in it?
    that’s bloody disgusting that is.


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