posted on June 10, 2007 at 3:57 am

noah wasnt a bad bloke
i mean he tried to do the right thing
he loved ‘is missus
he had three big hefty boys called ham and cant remember the other 2
i mean hams badde enuff
maybe he stopped naming em after that
or was it ham sam and larry….?
does it really matter…
well in a way because they all went off n repopulated erf
w/ their progeny
apres le deluge baybee
after the big big flood
you see yer god was pretty cranky
he reckoned the human beans were pretty lawless n wild
those ungrateful little bastards he fumed
i’ll get their attention
i’ll teach em to carry on like that..
a flood!
one of the angels
probably gabriel
who i imagine looking like peter gabriel
round foxtrot days
but with wings and a lovely trumpet
anyway gabriel says
hang on lordy
aint there one cool cat down there
one true fiend who didst as thou willst
one ok druid who did his thing with style
yer god says
angel, yer right
yer right on the money as per usual ..
are we talking about….?
noah?
noah!
right on lordy, can i help with anything…
can ya fly down there and warn him
yeah you better ask him his favourite song…?
whys that, lordy?
well if he dont get it, you start singin’
raindrops keep falling on thy head….
gotcha ha ha…one other thing?
what is it gabe?
well ah whattabout all the animals?
what?
the animals, the creatures, the beasties, sire?
oh yes, i hadnt really thought about them…..
youll have to re create em, lordy….
oh no not again ….look make sure he takes 2 of each
a male n a female of everything from cockroach to cougars
a good pair of breeders thatll sort it out
as you wish, lordy….i’ll see to it n make it occur

so the following day
noahs out n about
doing his thing
calling in on some olde friends
having a drink a smoke n a laugh
when gabriel appears on the way home
wow an angel says noah
dig it you cool mortal n good friend of someone in high places
what does it all mean my wingy friend?
my man its going to rain
the world will go under
only you n yer fambley will survive
build an big big boat
take some food
you gonna make it alright….!
wow thanks for the tip…are you sure?
yeah says the angel and make sure yer boat is this many cubits!
wow says noah thats a big boat…umm why does it hafta be like that?
oh yeah says the angel…
there was something i forgot to tell ya…

the next day noahs wife (mrs sark)
she says what?
an angel told you what?
she looked outside at the biblical blue sky n its golden sun
it aint gonna rain this time o year you crazy fool
baby cmon on now says noah just help me get this gig together
where are the boys?
theyre comin over fer dinner tonight, honey says wife
ok thats good and he looked up at the sky again
and only he would have noticed a tiny tiny whispy cloud
a long way up in that burning royal blue

anyway the next bit is pretty tricky to describe
noah n the lads rounded up all these animals somehow
i guess that it was divinely fixed that certain pairs
among each type were in on the whole flood thing
and had been like kinda tranquilised or something
or filled with some kinda understanding by gabriel maybe
how they rounded up polar bears n kangaroos n panda bears
well you can do stuff like that if ya got friends in high places
of course they built this huge boat first
sitting in noahs back garden in the middle of the middle east
a long way from the nearest lake or darling harbour
his neighbours n detractors were laughing at him
you know
giving him a hard time
hey noah can i hire this for my daughters wedding cruise..?
ha ha ha
actually thats an idea for when this whole thing is over said wife
and noah grunted
meanwhile the sky was growing greyer n greyer
a perfect storm was a brewing over noahs necka the woods
downtown the locals were still at it
same old same old
adult-ery
drunkeness
four knee cation
swearing n cursing n mentioning the wrong names
stealing n pinching n robbing each other blind
some of the dirty devils apparently were into bestiality
and thats some disgustin’ stuff
the first drop of rain hit a casino
the second hit a brothel
the third drop of rain landed on a bottle shop in jericho
and then
the sky opened up and it wept
baby it wept
and noah n his lads were still tying up a few loose ends
no hen peacock for example
(yer god wants ‘is peacocks, noah said gabriel)
both cobras had been less then forthcoming
(gabriel played a little tune on his trumpet n they calmed down)
one of the pigs had run off
saying to her husband the boar
horace…the guys name is ham ferchrissakes…!
noah felt those first drops and he yelled out
wow he aint givin’ us much time to wrap up this animal lark..!
they somehow grabbed the last of the beasts
n high tailed it to the boat
noahs wife smashed a bottle of phoenician bubbly
and said
i call this ship the ark
and they all jumped in
batten down the hatches
and it bucketted it down
and the water began to rise n rise
and the sinners began to get a little damp
in their pursuits of happinesses
that were not recommended
crimes against nature
unnatural acts n sordid dealings
avaricious greedy bunch
oh you should take some serious swimming lessons
cos its only just started baby
and it kept on bucketting down
and eventually the ark moved as the water lifted it afloat
luckily yer god had taken care of that tranking business
with the beasties i mean
otherwise you can imagine the chaos in this dark boat
oh i hope noah sealed it according to the angels specs
n didnt skimp on the tar
and how the hell ya gonna feed that lot?
i mean that lion aint gonna like going hungry
while those lambs are walking about
and the mess…
oh dear
seems the boys 3 wives got their hands full
1st wife: what the f#@k?
2nd wife: dont swear dear, this is a biblical recreation
3rd wife: hey i already read this flood story in gilgamesh
1st wife: c’mon its older than that too…
3rd wife : really..?
2nd wife : yeah this is just another remake
1st wife : but we’re trying to put our own slant on it
3rd wife : i still bet silly sods will take it literally though…
all 3 : sigh…..
meanwhile outside
the last of the sinners were clinging to the highest hilltops
as the rest of the world was submerged beneath the flood
as the ark sailed past they begged noah to take em on
please noah take us on
take me on
take on me
ahhhhhh!
but noah ‘d been given the word
no passengers!
and anyway he had his hands full
keeping the porcupines away from the baboons
feeding the new mice arriving all the time now
keeping the bears outta the honey etc etc
a tiger had already had a nibble on a wallaby
and the polar bears were sweltering and very pissed off
the birds were flying about
the cockatoos were squawking n panicking
the ducks had laid eggs and hams wife had trodden on one
what a bloody horrible mess she whinged as she mopped it up
i like eggs said ham
sooner or later everyone drowned
ok it was bit rough on small children who hadnt begin to sin yet
but then
given their environment n their genes
yer god musta reckoned it was inevitable
it was also a bit ruff on other countries far away
like say
australia
where most of the aborigines were in fact
behaving themselves
maybe it wasnt the whole world that flooded
maybe it was just noahs bit of the world
well its impractical to flood the whole world
it just wouldnt work
i mean to get up to everests height
would take a lotta rainwater and it d never dry out
but then again
why did he have those vicious hot polar bears with him then
i dunno
why ask me?
anyway
of course
the rest is history
the rain stopped
the sun came out
a dove came back wiv a leaf in its beak
the water evaporated away…somehow….
and the three lads trudged off in opposite directions
across the damp soggy muddy icky earth
in opposite directions cos theyd all hadda nuff of each other
and they each repopulated the planet with their progeny
(which is kinda silly…didnt they get….duh…interbreeding?)

and noah n mrs sark
did a great trade
dead sea cruises weddings parties bar mitzvahs anything

58 Responses to “third day of the storm”

  1. avatar
    All Blog Spots | 10 June 2007 at 5:37 am #

    nice blog

  2. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2007 at 5:52 am #

    Good stuff Steve thanks for the cool read

    Steve in Florida

  3. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2007 at 6:24 am #

    just another day in the big world,yeah?I think Noah had a very small willy!and …I also think that you are {as i say I AM,when having a momento o genius/surrealistic hysterical/dancin minstrel}Nuckin Futz!I love it!…the crowd are stomping and clapping and whistling for an encore,in my hed anyway….. mmmm love thy neighbour,is very incestuous if you follow all that malarky…love,as always…genx xxxxxxx

  4. avatar
    Thelonious | 10 June 2007 at 6:34 am #

    deliquescence

  5. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2007 at 7:07 am #

    and as god was winding up….on the day of “the creation of all animals”…..the angels,brought in,one by one,”oh lord,what colouring shall we bestow upon the killer whale?”……”uuuuuuhhhhhh……..neh,f*%@# it….black n white!”……the angels, bringing in the creatures,at a fast n furious pace now{as to not “bug” god at the end of a busy day}”the pelican,lord?”…….”the magpie sire?”..”the zebra?”……god rises above the whole ,menagerie”look…just ….oh,listen,Im pretty over it,just……..oh man!!the rest of em !BLACK and WHITE ..OKAY!” “servants…my pipe,and slippers,NOW!”…….genx

  6. avatar
    malcolm arkey | 10 June 2007 at 7:32 am #

    Shem, Japheth…the other two.

    “Ham” was probably pronounced something like the first syllable of “Hamas” (oops, I should nae have said that !)

    Of course, Ham is the interesting one. Apart from becoming “the father of Egypt/Africa” (according to ye olde Bible) – there has long been great debate as to the meaning of this line “Ham the father of Canaan saw the nakedness of his father”. Some have said there there is a hint of some dodgy business here causing poor old Noah to lose face…manly hanky-panky ? or, more likely, a bit of Oedipal action ? (read Leviticus 20:11 !)

    Anyway…Ham is an interesting character.

  7. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2007 at 7:44 am #

    Hilarious!! Laughed my head off….

  8. avatar
    Bessa | 10 June 2007 at 7:48 am #

    What? Older than Napishtim? Time for another look then it seems. Thanks for the heads up.

  9. avatar
    Matt Davyddson | 10 June 2007 at 8:28 am #

    Brilliant Killer!!

  10. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2007 at 8:34 am #

    take me on noah /kilbey..do you dare?..Ill take you on………..`

  11. avatar
    mattdavison | 10 June 2007 at 9:13 am #

    Really wicked little story sk

    crazy storms over there man!

    I dunno whats going on round here,
    but.. Paul, peter’ ya both really need to get a grip of yourselves..

    -and this other weird looking guy with the goate beard… Well It’s just plain strange
    as far as I am concerned

    You think I am Cristopher Cross??

    Children…. don’t you think Ive got better things to do than be a daytripper like you lot.

    matt D

  12. avatar
    Fandorin | 10 June 2007 at 9:26 am #

    which is kinda silly…
    didnt they get….duh…
    interbreeding?

    this is where bestiality kicked in again. world literature according to kilbey…finally…again!!! thank you.

    had to think about old augias’ stable during the ark description. Old McAugy had a farm…

    and the sons, weren’t they called Ham, Sam, Slim and Elmo?

    all the best

    Stefan

  13. avatar
    Chris Kan | 10 June 2007 at 9:57 am #

    My five yr old is called Noah….
    Might save this for when he’s older!

  14. avatar
    Bessa | 10 June 2007 at 10:23 am #

    Whats this handbags at dawn malarkey? It seems decent that the chap provides us with a daily read yet the generosity is hampered by bickering in the audience and other silliness. Not for me to judge but because I enjoy the read, It would be a shame for the performance to be cancelled, so to speak. If this were how my efforts were received then I’d be annoyed. Just a thought.

  15. avatar
    Celticat | 10 June 2007 at 11:07 am #

    Absolutely fucking loved it Steve!!!!

    LOve

    Celticat

  16. avatar
    tristan | 10 June 2007 at 11:13 am #

    “the first drop of rain hit a casino
    the second hit a brothel
    the third drop of rain landed on a bottle shop in jericho”

    This is classic Kilbey fiction style at work here. I would almost give his fiction style the name “naive surrealism”, if that term had not already been used in another context.

  17. avatar
    tristan | 10 June 2007 at 11:17 am #

    Oh, und Isolde,

    Du bist so schön, schön wie ein Diamant. Ich will mit dir gehen.
    Komm gib mir deine Hand. In deinen Armen bin ich glücklich und froh –
    Das war noch nie bei einer andern einmal so.

    t

  18. avatar
    Matt | 10 June 2007 at 1:54 pm #

    mrs sark . . . nice one.
    i’ll be gigglin about that for dayz.

  19. avatar
    damien | 10 June 2007 at 2:06 pm #

    I remember when I was in primary school, we had a weekly scripture lesson. I once asked the scripture teacher that very question – about whether we must all be related to Noah somehow since his family were the only surviviors of the flood.

    Naturally, because religion is all fairy stories swallowed by weak-minded fools, the teacher could not answer the question and just gave me one of those smug, patronising smiles that Christians are so adept at.

  20. avatar
    davem | 10 June 2007 at 2:22 pm #

    Fab one today!! Thank-you.
    Do you think Gabriel had that ridiculous red dress on when he popped down to see Noah?
    Love you more,

    davem
    xx

  21. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2007 at 2:24 pm #

    God, some of the people who comment on this site are so sichophantic it makes me want to hurl. Get a fucking life and stop trying to live it through someone else.

  22. avatar
    BLUE HIGHWAY | 10 June 2007 at 2:42 pm #

    that was great storytelling me esskay, but why don’t we talk bout our own coming “great deluge”, on me other hand, can’t wait to see me
    “Evan Almighty”…
    Ne iko

  23. avatar
    Cain and Able | 10 June 2007 at 3:49 pm #

    Yeah, why did gabriel tell Noah take those snakes onboard, especially after that debacle in hte garden?

  24. avatar
    Bessa | 10 June 2007 at 3:57 pm #

    I studied ancient history a few years ago and it was a nightmarish experience. Too many conflicting ideas based on interpreted evidence, written and more direct forms. How anyone is supposed to draw conclusions is beyond me. Yet such is the determination to ‘know’ of ancient identities, events, and locations ad hoc that it makes me wonder what the point is. I just checked out Ziusudra, Ut-napishtim on wikipedia and it reminded me of the contradictions to be found for anyone I imagine wanting to study history for the sake of legitimisation, one way or another.

  25. avatar
    knot | 10 June 2007 at 4:18 pm #

    grumpy unicorns left behind
    kicking at the waves with silvery feet
    overslept!

  26. avatar
    snowfaller | 10 June 2007 at 4:56 pm #

    There’s an angel standing in the – uh – rain?

    Classic blog SK – I would certainly read much more of The Bible if you were the author.

  27. avatar
    Bessa | 10 June 2007 at 6:13 pm #

    Anyone else here interested in history? Theres bound to be sycophants. Its unfortunate. Although I hear the salary is better than usual, I’d not want to gain fame for any reason. Does it make it seem unreasonable to read of these blogs and contribute to the comments without being an over the top fanboy or girl? Of course not, its as much an opportunity to discuss amongst ourselves as it is to post comments that could be read by Steve if thats what ppl r essentially here for. Or maybe I am missing the point.

  28. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 10 June 2007 at 6:56 pm #

    The eternally creative and prolific SK is in grand form today. Here in America I am being inundated with the sounds of cicada mating calls and songs. Nature sounds supplanting the appalling sounds of bulldozers, speeding cars, trains and planes. Tonight is the last episode of “The Sopranos” (America’s favorite mafia family). The opening theme-song should be “Numbers” and the closer should be “Song To Go”. If there are any Paul McCartney fans out there I can finally confirm that his “Memory Almost Full” Cd is excellent. The problem is it takes seven plays for the music and vocals to finally allure you to the albums’s greatness. The extremely talented Beatle only has about 8 great CDs out of his 21 that he recorded and released. Last comment is that it is really a drag that Al Gore is not running for President. We need a leader who cares deeply about the planet.

  29. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2007 at 8:43 pm #

    sycho-brilliant-fucking-great

    yeah.

    no life no not at all.

  30. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2007 at 9:51 pm #

    ALL YOU SELF RIGHTEOUS WANKERS”KEEPERS OF THE COMMENTS PAGE” ………..PISS OFF!

  31. avatar
    eek | 10 June 2007 at 10:30 pm #

    Gotta agree with Stefan — I also love world lit according to Kilbey! This was a great, fun read.

    If you’re taking suggestions, mine is to record several of these “world lit redux” blogs and release a cd of them. I love the selections from the Earthed book on the reissued Earthed cd. 🙂

  32. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2007 at 11:53 pm #

    hey …davem…ive got a red sequinned number,that ill happily loan to gabe………..just tell the big tart that I want it dry cleaned,before it is returned!!!……..xxxxgenx

  33. avatar
    lily was here | 11 June 2007 at 12:01 am #

    Well, the water dissipated pretty quickly because the earth was flat back then and it ran off the edges raining on … what planets below us?
    Funny read sk.

    x

  34. avatar
    Anonymous | 11 June 2007 at 12:19 am #

    yukka yukka yukka….you’ll go straight to hell for this one, killa…by the say i DO have a life and i take a little time to enjoy reading this blog so any bah-humbug individuals who want to vent their spleen go and take a fucking chill pill and i’ll do whateveer i want without anyone calling me an ass-kisser…
    -The Hellbound Heart

  35. avatar
    isolde | 11 June 2007 at 1:08 am #

    t
    Sie liebt dich
    Sie liebt dich
    Denn mit dir allein
    kann sie nur glücklich sein
    i

  36. avatar
    Anonymous | 11 June 2007 at 1:40 am #

    O Steve, my ugly duckling,
    Nobody loves you……
    Daddy said he’d buy you some ballet shoes….
    but he spent all he had on hash …
    and avoding another crash,
    now who will look after you?

  37. avatar
    eek | 11 June 2007 at 1:55 am #

    which is kinda silly…didnt they get….duh…interbreeding?

    hmm…that would explain Bush voters though. ;-D

  38. avatar
    Anonymous | 11 June 2007 at 2:23 am #

    Nice to see the sun shining again today and hear the birds happily singing. Catching up on lassa wks blogges. Exciting news about the Twillies arriving soon, wow you’re gonna be one very busy (& protective)father. Sorry about the loss of your friend, may she finally be at peace in a better place.

    Exciting news about a solo release.
    Dare I hope that the ttb will summons sk to perform this live? What a way to promote the album, no buy – no play.

    Saw the Who on Parkinson lassa nite. He introduced them as “having their first album for 25 years”. No comparison to the Church, making new albums every year. Funny how so many people/bands from the past are again jumping on the bandwagon these days. Most of them playing no new material.

    Hope Marty is going along ok, still in my thoughts with his loss. All the touring came at the right time to take his mind off things.

    Enjoy the sunshine today with the fambley.

    Peace & love,
    Therese
    p.s. Great stories lately.

  39. avatar
    Anonymous | 11 June 2007 at 3:17 am #

    Out came the sunshine

    And dried up all the rain

    Old incey wincey Bon Bon

    Stuck at the computer again

    B.Bon

  40. avatar
    Anonymous | 11 June 2007 at 4:04 am #

    Ha Ha, you’re a funny fella ttb, now it all makes sense! (what goes on in that brain of yours that is!)
    Love always
    Amanda

  41. avatar
    Bessa | 11 June 2007 at 4:32 am #

    I’m not a keeper of the comments page but if I should leave my opinion at the door and just go with the adoration theme then no way, I’m not gonna play that way. Not being self righteous, it leaves me with but one option. Bye. Re-read Steve’s ‘egotistical’ post then take a good look at yourself. If the hat fits, well its upto u.

  42. avatar
    keeper of the comments page | 11 June 2007 at 4:37 am #

    Who cares?

  43. avatar
    Bessa | 11 June 2007 at 4:47 am #

    Not I. My apology to Steve for the apparent storm in a teacup.

  44. avatar
    Anonymous | 11 June 2007 at 4:54 am #

    oh,Bessa….you are such an arse kisser!

  45. avatar
    dean9000 | 11 June 2007 at 5:04 am #

    sk must have went to vacation bible school after all! Fun read kilbes!

  46. avatar
    Anonymous | 11 June 2007 at 5:12 am #

    “I like eggs said ham”

  47. avatar
    Bessa | 11 June 2007 at 5:20 am #

    I’m not an ass kisser but respect where its due to all and sundry too. Creating tension was not my intention but it was the outcome. Hence, an apology seemed apt. But hey, who doesn’t make mistakes. You? Anyway, enjoy.

  48. avatar
    eek | 11 June 2007 at 5:34 am #

    bessa — I’m just trying to figure out who the hell you’re fighting with (and about what)? Are there comments here I’m missing?

    signed,

    confused but amused eekie 🙂

  49. avatar
    Bessa | 11 June 2007 at 6:06 am #

    Seriously, I am not fighting with anyone. A few ppl took exception to what I wrote I think and I responded as I thought it was a reasonable thing to do. But it just got silly and I added to it. A mistake made, an apology given. Simple. I’m not going to add more to it lest it continue.

  50. avatar
    Anonymous | 11 June 2007 at 6:24 am #

    …and now for something completely different.

    Was anyone here awarded a Queen’s Birthday honour?

    An Order of Australia, perhaps?

    Companion of the Order of Australia?

    SK? For services to blogging?

    If any of you did get one, would you accept it or send it back?

    B.Bon

  51. avatar
    eek | 11 June 2007 at 6:39 am #

    A few ppl took exception to what I wrote I think

    In the comments on this particular blog? Huh. I’m still not seeing it. >:(

    Oh well, back to the serious business of deciding which song from Starfish I want to kill off next….
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    B.Bon — maybe you should get an award in service of the under appreciated artistry of cardboard boxes. 😉

  52. avatar
    Bessa | 11 June 2007 at 7:47 am #

    And so it goes. Good stuff. Enjoy. Kilbey for PM. Not really. Wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

  53. avatar
    Bessa | 11 June 2007 at 7:50 am #

    Anyone being PM I mean, just to be clear.

  54. avatar
    Bessa | 11 June 2007 at 8:36 am #

    I’d give the award back post haste. Its a ridiculous notion I think.

  55. avatar
    Anonymous | 11 June 2007 at 9:55 am #

    Billy Thorpe got one, AFTER he was dead. How typical.

  56. avatar
    Bessa | 11 June 2007 at 1:27 pm #

    I don’t really understand the posthumous thing. Maybe its to benefit remaining family. Knock knock.

  57. avatar
    CSTCoach | 11 June 2007 at 2:04 pm #

    LOL. Some great stuff in here.

    “probably gabriel who i imagine looking like peter gabriel round foxtrot days”

    “hey i already read this flood story in gilgamesh”

    “take me on
    take on me”

    Always love the references, and the SK take on mythology. A great read 🙂

    ryan

  58. avatar
    veleska1970 | 11 June 2007 at 2:23 pm #

    steve, this was utterly hysterical. there’s nobody that can put such a hilarious spin on something like you can.

    i’m doing catch-up again~~my weekend was too bizzy, so pardon the johnny-come-lately comments……

    glad you and the fambly survived that horrible storm the other day. such a heartbreaker about the poor pup, though. but seriously~~what could you have done for him/her? nothing, really.

    i’m not going to comment on the “comment-keepers”, or whatever they/he/she are/is. it’s silly!!!


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