posted on February 1, 2010 at 5:24 am

this illusion hurts so bad
i carry anxiety expectations insults n lies
i dish em out n i wear em
i love being fire until i get burned myself
i hold it all in
kilbey you liar
kilbey you bastard
kilbey you cheat
kilbey you fraud
kilbey you has been
kilbey you fool
kilbey you prick
kilbey you old
kilbey you brute
kilbey you coward
kilbey you motherfucker
i hold it all in
my heart n throat dont wanna talk any more love
my heart doesnt want to know
all my ups n downs arent getting me up or down no moor
i reach out
i lash out
i thrash about
on an impulse i go to see wendy the white witch
she can see whats wrong with me
does her magical thing for 2 hours which i can feel
witch i can feel
i come out much lighter
i still angry but now i can bear it
angry with who you may ask
angry with myself i have to answer
because of everything
i dont need no one else to ever be angry with me
i’m so angry with myself
thats the trouble with troubled geniuses
and its even the trouble with me
not a cheerful loving lovely ray of light
but a turbulent deep n shallow sea full of monsters n mirages
no use telling me to lighten up cos surely you got the wrong blogg
i am a hotblooded fiery creative self righteous brother
i like things my way or see ya later
when i heat up i burn baby i burn
when i cool down i ice baby i ice
i believe things arent as simple as they seem
i think we are duped and tricked n manipulated
all of us
by our leaders
by our children
by our parents
by our husbands n wives
by each other
i wish i could get my hands on some truth
i’m sorry
i dont trust no one
NO ONE!

50 Responses to “time for being”

  1. avatar
    Queen Hatshepsut | 1 February 2010 at 5:51 am #

    Wow. Some heavy stuff there SK. Yeah when you find some 'truth' let me know where and what it is. : )
    Love you lots,
    Denise
    xxoo

  2. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 February 2010 at 6:21 am #

    Amen. A sobering but painfully honest blog. I salute you.

  3. avatar
    Danger Bird | 1 February 2010 at 7:03 am #

    Did you just watch the Grammy's? If so, I know how you feel.

  4. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 February 2010 at 7:08 am #

    Steve, I want you to know that you can trust me 100 percent my friend.

    Yours truly,

    Benedict Arnold

  5. avatar
    Missing Persons | 1 February 2010 at 7:48 am #

    "What are words for?When no one listens ,there's no use talking at all";/:I:) I learned to trust Myself,because nobody knows or loves me better than my own spirit.x

  6. avatar
    linjo | 1 February 2010 at 8:11 am #

    You will hate me for saying that smoking pot induces paranoia, looks like it is happening in your case baybee and please dont think I am being facetious. Addiction is a curse and a monkey on your back.
    Lots of love to you Steve, from one functioning addict to another. Linda xxx

  7. avatar
    cazziem | 1 February 2010 at 9:06 am #

    I agree – trust no one; least of all yourself! Not you specifically, all of us. Not sure if you still have it SK, but if so, check out the email I sent you on 19th September – strangely accurate don’t you think?

  8. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 February 2010 at 9:20 am #

    Steve, you walk on water and you can trust me, no amount of money could turn me against you.

    Sincerely,

    Judas Iscariot

  9. avatar
    Richard | 1 February 2010 at 10:02 am #

    don't get hung up on trust

    it's too big an ask

    it involves too much thought

    stick with FAITH

    faith that most people have their hearts in the right place

    faith that most people aren't out to hurt you

    faith that they have faith in you

    and as for truth – make sure you look at your sleeping kids before you go to bed

  10. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 1 February 2010 at 10:11 am #

    oh, so cynical, steve…..

    love always…..

  11. avatar
    fantasticandy | 1 February 2010 at 10:20 am #

    hey linjo!
    'dudes of neptune' collapsed due to weed-induced paranoia…..hence 'the failed'
    however……..
    our mr. kilbey dosen't censor our views regarding any aspect of his being…'n i think beneath the odd bout of 'swagger'(to which i think he's well entitled)lurks a rather magnanamous and giving person.

    but i have seen this stuff do damage…..i have NO doubt on this matter at all!

    love to all,
    andy L.

  12. avatar
    steve kilbey | 1 February 2010 at 10:48 am #

    hey jude
    dont make it bad

  13. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 February 2010 at 11:01 am #

    You are correct Steve, you cannot trust a single person, but you can definitely trust the two of us.

    Many regards,

    Brutus and Cassius

  14. avatar
    gavgams | 1 February 2010 at 11:09 am #

    For those troubling moments …try a good nights sleep?

    For those explosive of the soul moments…try gunpowder green tea in a leafy green room outside

    And for those times when Hamlets's ghost walks again… try reincarnation, yet again..

    Also remember the rig veda.. "there are so many dawns that have not yet broken"

  15. avatar
    eek | 1 February 2010 at 11:42 am #

    You can add Kilbey you kind and decent human to your list. 🙂

    I read an article a couple of years ago about how people now seem to be on this quest for constant happiness and how that isn't necessarily a good thing. Now the article mostly focused on sadness vs happiness, but I think completely banishing any particular emotion is counterproductive. I think you feel everything intensely, and that can be a curse as well as a blessing. I do think you would be bored completely out of your mind if your emotions/feelings were on a totally even keel.

    Your intenseness is part of you and learning to manage it is a life-long process. I will bet you have made significant progress over the past 10 or so years (although I'm sure there are times it doesn't feel that way).

    "i believe things arent as simple as they seem"

    You know what I've noticed? Sometimes the simple things aren't so simple, and sometimes the complex things aren't so complex.

  16. avatar
    Thomas Thomsen, Denmark | 1 February 2010 at 12:01 pm #

    Phew!!!…I feel exactly the same way. I'm basically so fed up with human beings I wish I could just move into a cozy cabin somewhere, just me, my music collection and my dog, surrounded by the tranquility of nature, and without having to deal too much with anybody else. Sadly, I think I might actually be at my happiest living under these "conditions".

  17. avatar
    matt davison | 1 February 2010 at 12:31 pm #

    I think you should focus on God … and accept how blessed you are.

    you have a mind that needs to know the truth..

    Let it be… let it be, let it be;)

    I care Steve.

    Md

  18. avatar
    bc | 1 February 2010 at 1:25 pm #

    i trust mother nature…

  19. avatar
    cazziem | 1 February 2010 at 1:26 pm #

    So the brain IS engaged SK (9:48PM)? so now use your ‘in’ ignore the two lines you wrote, and focus on the next two! I’m sure plenty of us would enjoy the result???

  20. avatar
    davem | 1 February 2010 at 1:34 pm #

    Crikey, I didn't see this one coming.
    Thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts.
    x

  21. avatar
    matthew | 1 February 2010 at 1:52 pm #

    hahaha… nicely parried SK! …Don't carry the world upon your shoulders. (That was the only 7-inch single my Dad ever bought in his life! And when it got played, it was many, many times over…)

  22. avatar
    LF | 1 February 2010 at 1:54 pm #

    Ah. It's hard to be a person, let alone a creative one. I'm not an artiste, and I still need a lot of help in that department (therapy, medication to keep me from going completely psycho, support from family and friends, good books, etc.). My sympathies.

  23. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 February 2010 at 1:58 pm #

    dude, sounds like yer yoko ono…don't be no plastic ono machine!

  24. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 February 2010 at 3:45 pm #

    i have a theory that everyone else but me is a devil, pitted against me to keep me from peace.

    well, and that marijuana does make me paranoid. i can't use it anymore.

  25. avatar
    pennybridge | 1 February 2010 at 3:48 pm #

    Kilbey you … best bastard ever,

    Today´s blog shows the point
    in having a 8-5 job
    Forget yourself and get busy

    I guess it takes an artist (like you)
    to show life in all its aspects
    While the other fools (like me)
    are running around feeling important

  26. avatar
    veleska1970 | 1 February 2010 at 5:12 pm #

    trust is such a tricky thing. we leave ourselves wide open for disappointment and heartache when we trust. but then, good things happen, too, when we trust.

    richard said it well.

    lotza love…..

  27. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 February 2010 at 5:40 pm #

    Thank you 😉 check out that emo boy one over this blog:
    http://www.emo–boys.info

  28. avatar
    Cocoamo | 1 February 2010 at 5:56 pm #

    For whatever slings and arrows of outrageous fortune have laid their insult on you I am truly sorry.

    Sending strength and love to fortify you. You will feel better soon.

    Your friend from Pennsylvania (now in Cocoa Beach)

  29. avatar
    Ellen | 1 February 2010 at 7:24 pm #

    Ooooh, Steve …

    But, you know, this blog is refreshing because we ALL have felt this way at times. The truth is SO refreshing, even when it's painful…

  30. avatar
    the dean | 1 February 2010 at 8:23 pm #

    there is no cure but to fill one's days with doing helps a bit.
    your mind is against you, ask your heart.

  31. avatar
    knot | 1 February 2010 at 9:03 pm #

    sadly today i am all thumbs and cleverless

  32. avatar
    Jasperina | 1 February 2010 at 9:03 pm #

    Steve you have read henry Miller. It's all a lie from the minute we wake up in the morning, it's all a sham, a swindle.

  33. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 1 February 2010 at 9:24 pm #

    ditto on that esskay, don't trust noone i say…
    Jonny

  34. avatar
    linjo | 1 February 2010 at 9:48 pm #

    Magnanimous? Yes the fundamentals are there for sure. xxx

  35. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 February 2010 at 10:30 pm #

    Traveling in a parallel plane. I've been unhappy for so long, perfecting my denial dance. Hoping to wake up from this Illusion.

    My saving grace: running, 15 miles, 20 miles, 25 miles at a time. Clears my riddled mind and helps me center: center on my breathing, my muscles, my heartbeat. I embrace the physical pain because it's so much easier to deal with.

    You obviously need to be saved: from them, from us, from yourself? May you find some grace.

    Have loved you always,
    g

  36. avatar
    The Savage Garden is its own best keeper | 1 February 2010 at 10:42 pm #

    The truth is you need to accept your animal nature

    You idealise,personify and try to cage the truth, like some obsessed lion tamer, yet you cry when it bites you.

    You also, indulgently, like the taste when you lick the blood off your fingers.

  37. avatar
    SD | 1 February 2010 at 10:45 pm #

    i believe things arent as simple as they seem

    ~

    I like these words from "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"…

    “Reality is what we take to be true. What we take to be true is what we believe. What we believe is based upon our perceptions. What we perceive depends upon what we look for. What we look for depends upon what we think. What we think depends upon what we perceive. What we perceive determines what we believe. What we believe determines what we take to be true. what we take to be true is our reality.”

    …and some interesting thoughts on trust from anthony de mello…

    http://www.demello.org/article11.html

    "How could you let me down when I trusted you so much?" you say to someone. Did you really trust them? You never trusted anyone. Come off it! That's part of society's brainwashing. You never trust anyone. You only trust your judgment about that person. So what are you complaining about? The fact is that you don't like to say, "My judgment was lousy." That's not very flattering to you, is it? So you prefer to say, "How could you have let me down?"

    SD

  38. avatar
    princey | 1 February 2010 at 10:59 pm #

    Hope you're feeling better today Steve, and I hope you didn't mean it when you wrote "my heart and throat don't want to talk any more love", LOVE is what makes the world go round, we all need it maaaan:))

    You're a complicated being, Timey Being, but that's why we love ya so (or one of the many, many reasons anyway)

    Take care and love always,
    Amanda

  39. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 February 2010 at 11:59 pm #

    I smoke marijuana. Technically I am not paranoid because people are actually trying to get me.

    Smokey McNutter, esquire

  40. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 February 2010 at 12:02 am #

    revolution now

  41. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 February 2010 at 12:06 am #

    let's break stuff and set fire to the rightous ones

  42. avatar
    Steven Krut | 2 February 2010 at 12:28 am #

    Man, you must be hell to get along with sometimes. 🙂

  43. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 February 2010 at 1:35 am #

    and on a different and unrelated note…

    just for interest SK…

    http://www.smh.com.au/environment/weed-is-good–hemp-comes-to-the-city-20100201-n8v2.html

    Marc

  44. avatar
    rubikon | 2 February 2010 at 1:39 am #

    Sometimes we give more than we can take

  45. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 February 2010 at 1:43 am #

    if that's what you believe

  46. avatar
    funny guy | 2 February 2010 at 2:14 am #

    How do you say hello to a duck? hello duck. Tell that one to the wife and kids.

  47. avatar
    SD | 2 February 2010 at 2:29 am #

    i carry anxiety expectations

    ~

    i was thinking about expectations, did a little googling, and this found its way to me…

    http://nithyaevents.blogspot.com/2009/04/words-from-master_21.html

    "When you are full of expectations, you are carrying your own hell inside your head! So wherever you go, you’ll find that your personal package of hell travels with you! Like how a circus troupe carries and spreads its tents everywhere it goes, so too are you carrying this hell with you and living in it any place you go. There is no escape. And when two people meet, there is a great clash of hells, not bells!

    Why do you want to carry this load around with you?

    Just drop it!

    Just think of all the energy you waste in trying to chisel the other person to suit your expectations. Isn’t it much easier to just drop the chisel? If even 10% of that energy is channeled into meditation, your life can be transformed into true living."

    ~~~~~

    …and this…

    “When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have” ~ Stephen Hawking

    ~~~~~

    my thoughts on trust are to trust that even a betrayal of trust within the "illusion" can have meaning and purpose…e.g to bring about healing, growth and wholeness in the "spiritual realm."

    SD

  48. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 February 2010 at 2:39 am #

    Taylor Swift grab Grammys, but the church goes home empty-handed as usual. Front man Steve kilbey too busy smoking dope and fucking around with a stupid blog hahahaha the joke is on you mate.

  49. avatar
    ross b | 3 February 2010 at 12:08 pm #

    my moods have been like a yo-yo this summer, but i'm determined now to equilibrium myself, because the lows have been pretty damn lo-lo.

    it's probably in the air. this is damningly intense city that demands so much from us. 'house prices surge' run the newsstand headlines for the 3 days past.

    load of Bollocks. have yer f'n surging house prices, then.

    Hope you feel better Steve, lotsa love & respect, Ross.

  50. avatar
    m.p.k | 5 February 2010 at 9:58 pm #

    I don't trust anyone. Only the one.


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