posted on December 23, 2008 at 8:40 pm

my dearest subjects
and objects
chrimbo is upon us
a time when one reflects upon the events of the year
and reaches for another slice of brandy soaked chrimbo pudding
mmm (burp)
pardon me….
a time to recap
recap any objects you pay have left the cap off of
or recap your cap gun
the cap sat on the map
go cap in hand and head in cap (if theres room)
get caps for your teeth
buy a white hippy moses beard from greedyba$tard @avarice.lime
tomorrow is santas little boys birthday
and everyone will eat roast rain dear
and santa will fly thru the skies on his slay
pulled by a flock of wild turkeys
or is santa slayed by the wild turkey
and dropped all his toys
that man aint getting down my chimney no more
santa claws oooh hes a mean old man
i prefer santa fe
at least they have an “artsy” community there…
me….?
i just noticed that darling scarlet
has scribbled on eves face
that has taken me a long time to do
hmmmmm…..
i rub at scribble hopefully…
nope…its biro n it aint moving!
darn little goose!
scarlet may be the colour of her botty after this…..
(fifty lashes and bread n water)
yeah
anyway
(just letting it go…)
chrimbo chrimbo
when we celebrate with tinsel
which represents our true deep inner feelings
and we chop down small pine trees
to symbolize new life
and we chuck em out on the street 5th of jan
to symbolize the new year
and we eat dead chicken to symbolize merriment
and we kiss aunty maude who we hate
to symbolize chrimbos power
to make you do things you hate
and
we give gifts to celebrate that fellas birthday
only it isnt actually his birthday
it was some other holiday before that
n
someone thought…hmmmm…
these pagan bastards, they really enjoy their winter shin digs
so lets combine it with chrimbo…n it’ll be wholly holy (with holly)
(jolly too)
can you imagine being satan claws n being jolly all the fuckin’ time?
ho ho bastard ho! whattya want for chrimbo you snotty nosed little brat?
what ? a mega ipod and a full set of gen-o-side war games?
how old are ya? what? 4?
ok can you take a little time to read these conditions?

(in small print)
SANTA CLAUSE 666
THIS PRODUCT WILL MAKE YOU BLIND
AND THEN
ITS GONNA MAKE YOU CRAWL
ITS GONNA MAKE YOU BAWL AND SHOUT
ITS GONNA CAUSE A BLACK SLIMY DISCHARGE FROM YOUR NOSTRILS
IT CONTAINS PIECES OF EIGHT AND TRACES OF JEALOUSY
IT IS 15 CENTS REDEEMABLE IN CAL OR S.A.
IT IS MADE IN GENUINE SWEAT SHOP CONDITIONS
BY TINY TIM-LIKE ORPHANS
USING ALIEN TECHNOLOGY
SUPP LIED BY THE GRAYS TO THE REPTILIANS
FOR PURPOSES
OF BUGGERING UP MOTHER EARTH
PLEASE DRY CLEAN ON BLACK FRIDAYS ONLY
NON TOXIC IF YOURE A SWALLOW(EXCEPT CAPISTRANO)
NO RESPONSIBILITY TAKEN ONLY MONEY
MADE IN KNOCKED DOWN BITS OF THE AMAZON
MADE FROM NARWHALS HORN N SNOW TIGERS BALLS
TESTED ON BABIES N OLD LADIES IN ROMANIAN DUNGEONS
CONTEST NOT OPEN TO FAMILIES OR FRIENDS OF THE FOLLOWING:
VIET CONG
BLACK SEPTEMBER
IRA
MAFIA
JACUZZI
TRIPLE SEC
WHITE SOUP REAMISTS
WEATHERCOCKS
TERRY-ISTS
ROUNDHEADS
BLACK REBEL UNICYCLE CLUB (AND THEIR DAD)
THE TENDER GARDENERS
ANYONE WHO EVER THOUGHT A NAUGHTY THOUGHT ABOUT THE U.S.
ANY COMMIES OR PINKOS
ANY FOREIGNERS OR STRANGERS
ANY ONE WHO HAD A HEART
ANY ONE ELSE NOT ALREADY MENTIONED
GORE FOR DISPLAY PURPOSES ONLY
LAUNCHER SOLD SEPARATELY
NOT RECOMMENDY FOR PACIFISTS OR PESSI-MISTS
NOT FOR SALE IN LEMURIA EXCEPT ON PRESCRIPTION
COMES WITH OWN APPLICATOR IN 3 FLAVOURS
ETC
ETC
I AM A TOTAL DICKNOSE
AND I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAY
SIGNED………..
DATED…………
WITNESSED………….

you stuff your gifts into someones stockings
and you notice the fairy on the tree is watching you
you kneel and ask mary for guidance
you hear footsteps on the roof
get this!
a cat wearing some kinda paramilitary red n white jumpsuit
is sliding down your chimney
he explodes through your gas heater in soot n sparks n reindeer manure
ho ho bastard ho
its quite a mantra isnt it
chrimbo is a time of festive joyous feelings
but drink plenty of water and take vitaman x the next day
chrimbo is a time of hauling holly to the decks
and gold and the other two things
and orient-r which is a great bar in kilbeyville
and chrimbo is a time of adoration
just find something to adore or to a door
or even to do
chrimbo is a time of flying reindeer and candy cane
so take it seriously
santas flight routes have been approved
however he may bypass turkish kurdish boarders
and drop in on the la hareem club in downtown saudi arabia
give me some speed n give the deer ones some snow
chrimbo is a time of returning unwanted books and
arguing with some toffee nosed git to get a refund
chrimbo is a time of talking to olde grande aunt flo
about her lil’ will….
chrimbo is a time of drinking loadsa grog n shlurring yer shpeech
chrimbo is a time of bonging on n on in fronna the telly
n eating toast n corn flakes
while it rains
or bakes
or grimly freezes
your nuts right off yer nutcracker
chrimbo is a time of abject loneliness n being uninvited
(like the freakin’ clowns, baybee)
chrimbo is a time of remembering what an utter utter bastard
olde king herod was
hence
hark the herod angels shrink!
and
chrimbo is a time of merriment
thats getting drunk
and its a time of celebration
thats getting drunk too
and forgetting and forgiving
by getting drunk
and remembering…..
um…
and chrimbo is a time of midnight mass
oooh creepy
i wonder if they have any more of that wine there
or those cute little wafers
everyone loves chrimbo especially the tinsel makers
n the candy cane guys
and that sweet fairy among the trees
and the flashing red lights in kings cross
and the lovely decorations in cardboard city
and shanty town
and the ex-cons can be santas too! protesters
and to our lovely land lady
with her strange properties
where everything
goes up n up n up n up
including my chrimbo finger
chrimbo is a time of taking and giving em hell
chrimbo is a few days off work so who cares what it is
chrimbo is me
and chrimbo is you
you giving subscribing donating
to me
go on or i’ll tell farther christmas
so the time being can cook his own goose
and the doodles n woofle
get all they deserve
ah!
merry merry chrimbo then
and all through this house
no creature is stirring
not even big fat black cockroach
stuck in a roachmotel
without his credit card
oh deer!
goodnight rudolph
i have a red nose ALL year round!

29 Responses to “white hippy moses christmas eve (n aurora) ramble (n rant)”

  1. avatar
    EDD | 23 December 2008 at 10:37 pm #

    Happy Valentines Day, too

  2. avatar
    the dean | 23 December 2008 at 10:55 pm #

    it's the official time to be nice to people and tolerate tourist but by new year they can all f.off back to where they came from

    merry xmas to sk & family & all commenters

    from scrooge mcdean

  3. avatar
    fantasticandy | 23 December 2008 at 10:58 pm #

    spread the love a little eh killer?
    some gigs in the northern hemisphere would be nice!
    i woulda loved to be up there jamming with you guys……….

    much love to ya steve,
    andy L.

  4. avatar
    melissa | 23 December 2008 at 11:02 pm #

    heehee, I loved it πŸ˜€

    Have a very cool Yule SK and fambily and to everyone here a TTB πŸ˜‰

    love & peace

    xxx

  5. avatar
    Anonymous | 23 December 2008 at 11:12 pm #

    haha!!…and christmas n the wafers,n the blood drinking n flesh eating ceremonies at the catholic church,are peaceful too,arent they..haha…merry annual red suit man day.because,truly,saint nick is what tiz all about,..n not just the hokey pokey,steven…merry christmas to you n yours too,love,as always,gen xo πŸ™‚ peace . n love .

  6. avatar
    Richard | 23 December 2008 at 11:12 pm #

    Matt

    a playlist for you at this bad time:

    (to match the mood)
    anaesthesia
    already yesterday
    nothing inside
    invisible
    happy hunting ground
    feel

    (to pick things up – generally ignoring lyrics!)
    come down
    oenone
    judgment day
    a different man
    telepath

    (and some stuff to enjoy being angry to)
    block
    outbound
    wolfe

  7. avatar
    princey | 24 December 2008 at 12:12 am #

    I always enjoy your xmas rants sk!

    Great to read everyone had a blast at the gig the other night and you were surrounded by all the bewdyful people from all over oz sk! And so glad to hear the Melby girls had a fab time too, can’t wait to see the pics BSKate πŸ™‚

    Have a great xmas Steve and all fiends out there in the world! And MAtt, sorry to hear about your heartache, hope you’ll be ok πŸ™‚
    Love Amanda

  8. avatar
    captain mission | 24 December 2008 at 12:21 am #

    hey matt
    (i tried writing to you on your blog yesterday but there’s no blog, just a profile, so i hope people don’t mind me writing to you here.)

    i been there and it’s not easy but you do get through these trials and you do love again and as strange as it sounds one day you look back and realize that everything happens for some weird reason even though at the time it appears random and chaotic. anyway channel that energy into something creative and i’m pretty positive the healing begins. all the best.

  9. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 24 December 2008 at 12:57 am #

    Great blog SK. Another holiday celebrating God as the masses after mass gorge on the carcasses of his various killed and butchered species. Ironically, it’s I that gains weight because of the potatoes, pasta and bread that are the other food alternatives. My family is nice- I must admit.

    Best guitarist in the world playing in Australia very soon.

  10. avatar
    Freddie | 24 December 2008 at 12:59 am #

    Hahahaha…
    Certainly this blog starts chrimbo (Christmas I assume) off with a bang
    Happy chrimbo white hippy moses, whm family, fellow subjects and objects.

  11. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 24 December 2008 at 3:50 am #

    …and a happy jolly merry christmas to you and your family, olde apostle…hope all of my fellow church/sk afficionados have a lovely day with friends and family too….matty, doesn’t seem like it at the moment but things will get better, mate….
    love always….

  12. avatar
    ross b | 24 December 2008 at 6:26 am #

    let's just hope the rain don't come down too hard in 2009.

    and hope it's a good one for everyone..

    kind regards sk & all, rb

  13. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 24 December 2008 at 6:52 am #

    another Mary X Mas without the nev man down under, must suck to be me…
    Nevibaby

  14. avatar
    davem | 24 December 2008 at 7:32 am #

    Christmas eve but i’m off to effing work now…..
    Thanks for a Fab start though to the 24th with todays TTB.
    Love to all. Hang in there Matty D.
    Much love to you SK.
    x

  15. avatar
    pennybridge | 24 December 2008 at 7:55 am #

    Time to celebrate
    … what was it?
    Coca cola Santa?
    Krishna krishmas
    Julbocken or SΓ€rimner? (still there)

    Merry x-mas S.K and all commenters. Thank you for your words everyday.

    Take it easy with the schnaps!

  16. avatar
    eek | 24 December 2008 at 8:55 am #

    i have a red nose ALL year round!

    Ha! You think that’s good — for me every day is a hollyday! πŸ˜€

    Happy Christmas to you and your family Steve. And a Happy Christmas to all my fellow TTBers!

  17. avatar
    melissa | 24 December 2008 at 10:15 am #

    ooops, I forgot to read all the comments from yesterday! SK, that's alright! I think you may of forgotten my name, but you called me lovely lady instead, so that's ok, LOL πŸ™‚

    If anyone fancies looking at some pic's from the Painkiller gig, I've uploaded some on Facebook too.

    http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=77284&l=3ef09&id=765809866

    Hope that works!

    Big love & hugs to Kate .. and Amanda! Next time you have to come with us πŸ˜€ !! And Holly, I really wish now that I wasn't so broke, because I would of loved to of bought home some more prints
    πŸ™ !!

    xxxx

  18. avatar
    matt davison | 24 December 2008 at 11:38 am #

    Thankyou friends…(new at this)

    Merry xmas.. all!!!

    love

    md

  19. avatar
    restaurant mark | 24 December 2008 at 2:43 pm #

    merry x-mas steve and all fellow commenters.
    hang in there matty d…

    take care everyone…have a good one
    mark

  20. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 24 December 2008 at 3:00 pm #

    Matt D is a gem and a whale of a guy. And I revere whales.

  21. avatar
    veleska1970 | 24 December 2008 at 3:52 pm #

    thanks for the pix, melissa!!

  22. avatar
    steve | 24 December 2008 at 4:02 pm #

    Happy Christmas Steve and all!!

  23. avatar
    John Garratt | 24 December 2008 at 4:39 pm #

    So, is this the re-tooled “Night Before Christmas” that I am to read to my daughter?

    John Garratt

  24. avatar
    CSTCoach | 24 December 2008 at 5:22 pm #

    LMAO – that was great. you’ve nicely skewered the hypocracy of this much talked up time of year. nothing worse than having to hang out with rellies you don’t give a shit for the rest of the year. I stopped bothering with it long ago…

    hope you have a good one just the same, time being. and may 2009 see the cash flow in for ya.

  25. avatar
    davem | 24 December 2008 at 6:33 pm #

    A very Happy Christmas to the wonderful TTB community, but most especially to my hero, SJK.
    xx
    xx

  26. avatar
    ScaughtFive | 24 December 2008 at 11:24 pm #

    “Chrimbo’s power to make you do things you hate…” Indeed, in fact.

  27. avatar
    nickfiction | 24 December 2008 at 11:36 pm #

    my god ….. pain killer is ……awesome. I wish EVERYONE knew the genius of the church……

  28. avatar
    Celticat | 25 December 2008 at 4:19 am #

    Awesome Mr KilbetTTB!!

    Merry Crimble to you, your loved ones and all friendss.

    From a happily and hopelessly stuffed and leggless Kilbey devotee.

    May the day bring all you could wish for.

    Matty D, I’m thinking of you this day.

    Much love to all

    Celticat

  29. avatar
    seoigh | 25 December 2008 at 4:53 am #

    A year ago tonight, a huge Church fan and my best friend left this plane. Aneurysm. I got him into your music about 20 years ago. He became an even bigger fan than I was. Somewhere around the turn of the century, he became the person telling me about your latest releases, instead of vice versa. After he died I rediscovered your music. So I’m listening to Already Yesterday earlier today and for the first time I’me hearing the lyrics. It’s making me think I never took my friend seriously enough. I don’t know why I’m telling this to you, Killer. I guess I just wanted to say you lost a really great fan. And thanks for being the vehicle that made me realize who he was. That’s the best Krimble present I can muster. I hope you appreciate it.


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