The Time Being | Steve Kilbey

one eyed cat 13

the despairing worm which writhes under golden light

between the withered blade and the tombstone thistles where i lay me down

the inky night of a dark star to guide me

the shape of a pale rider beside me

the stupid hope you’ll be home soon here inside me

i grope towards the dangling truth but its so flexible

imperceptibly bent

i believe i will leave

when i leave then surely i will believe

i believe i can leave and leave it all behind

diamond lined mind of many faces

replaces a dwarf for slim chance

i dance in the margins

where the ichor oozes and hardens

in gardens of the blind surely you wander now

fonder however as you are of ham rather than what i am

yonder is bonding my wand to the distance

in this instance

at least

and all my insistence

i need no assistance

the futurarctica

if youre reading this then i must be sorry

if you happen to cast a glance upon these words

you know me and you know me well

and the new you knew me once too

back before the glaciers slid into your lives

before the mammoth sailed across your plains

before the wind starred in your garden of unearthly delights

before that strange sweet thing which eats you all alive had manifested last winter

and even before when i wandered

and even before that when all is one

then then then

just then

just then

same old shot

at last me and kathy came to the edge of the great forest where we had wandered lost for years

and lo there were two paths that stretched off on either side

which one would dad have taken..? wondered kathy aloud

and then

you got to choose..! she said to me almost angry as i stood there hesitating

as i stood there gazing from my left to my right

at the 2 paths that led off into the haze of some fine distance

well..? demands some other voice in another room

the audience all tune in to see what me and kathy will do

as we stand there at a standstill

as i dither and fumble and time rushes by

as the birds fly in low and make mechanical noises

as a fox stops to gaze at us

as a reindeer grazes on the verdant lawn

come on steven she says to me and reaches for my hand

pulling me towards her and the left hand path

no i say weakly but she is too strong

the fox shakes its head

the birds caw and screech

the reindeer regards us with its sad dark eyes

we walk down that path and a cold fog of night comes down

we walk that path losing each other in its darknesses

i walk along on my own thru the dreary and sad night

Kathy..?  i call but there is no one there to hear my voice muffled as it is in fog

Kathy..? i think but there is no one anywhere who can hear my thoughts

and so i walk on and on for one thousand years

faltering step on faltering step

marking out a circle in which i meander life upon life upon life

until i am small and nothing left of me

except the last Kathy..?

which is uttered and then hanging in the silence

a tiny little sound

like the memory of a bell faraway in childhood.

big shot

yeah look at me kids

im a singer in shiny pants and a big ole mike

suddenly the moment is over

i cant really sing very well but the people clap anyway

thats politeness for you

i am across the social media like margarine spread on a cracker

i must seem to be everywhere but i’m in my rented room in coogee on my own

i impatiently wait for sleep to arrive altho its not even 10 oclock

i dont feel sorry for myself because all the bad stuff was my own doing

my own undoing i should say

i had it all and i lost it all and then i had more and i lost more

when its gone its gone and its gone

the music biz conspires not to pay me what should be coming to me but i hardly care anymore

large sums of money are mentioned but it trickles down slow and arduous

theres always an excuse

my tongue isnt forked its a cat o nine tails

my eyes glazed over i follow only the action i’m interested in

i cant hear whatever you say i dont feel whatever it is

the happiness drops are yet to hit my system

i am expected to believe stupendous fairytails and i sit there barely protesting

i go have a massage i go have acupuncture

as quick as they put it back together it falls apart again

i did and said every wrong thing as i always do

inexplicable things occur

anxiety pursues me

taking up possession in my mind and the voices all pipe up

nowhere seems a good place to be

wherever i am i am in the way

people push around me to get to wherever it is they are going

i derail all the trains that holding precious cargo runaway into evening

i am an anomaly a king without a thing

except an axe to grind

and some blues to sing

life is so bizarre and random

i mean there is a god but i have drifted away into shadow

shadow of nescience

of untruth

i struggle with the darkness sent to get me

why does it want me…?

i couldnt even say

my brilliant mind all amped up the synapses fire non stop

i am not allowed to say i am speechless

the mirror looks tired and gaunt slightly haunted

the horizon stretches out across the barren page where i have written nothing

the rain comes in through the heat where its stifling and dark

my ribcage holds a photocopy of a heart

i was in the moment but the moment is gone

i start to feel sleepy that is at least a good thing

tomorrow i jump on a bus for another gig

some country town i hear i never been before

i will arrive decorated in my shambles

my fiascos will be nicely on display

still the mouth open there comes that voice i mean its ok

blah blah blah the singers sing

what the fuck does that all mean why a big delightful nothing

the drums boom boom crash whack thud

the lights turn blood red

the characters in my life are all in my song

in my one song i sing out man i was strung out in a dream

running around trying to call somebody

i was unaware that i lay in a bed and was dreaming

in the next room i hear myself arguing with someone

my voice getting louder and angrier

my voice and the other voice over the top of each other

no one is listening but me now sitting here typing this up

round and round the argument goes ending back at the start before launching forth again

tears and sneers and cheerless jeering

i cant hear much anyway my ears ring so bad now

i cant even hear myself going on from weeks ago

the window rattles in its pane

some guys are having a drink and a laugh next door

i am detached now

my mind begins to switch off

sundays are the worst day

its friday night

in someones head i will paint the town red

my dreams will be more of the same

some struggle i can never name

wow its 10 22 now thats really past my bedtime

seeing tomorrow i will sing somewhere else

and someone else will hear the song

dont wait up

and i will be right along

in silent prayer

when we are not we

the sky ripped open

sound of great wings is audible

in silent prayer the air around me thickens

the blood in my mind quickening so slowly

my moon dissolve in the puddle

when you are not you are not you

you alone without all the other stuff

no props no filters no lens no more shocks

i am not i am not i am not myself

me alone as the droned tones of our song linger

no longer a singer now im just another croaker

and everyone will be glad when its over

yes everyone will be glad for the bother

i am not you and never should have been

i should have listened i should have seen

i should have read between all the lines

i should have never vented all my furious spleen

all the clowns and little pigs

why do they appeareth so big..?