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deities for dummies
Greek Pantheon
*Zeus the big boss
god of thunder and dalliances with mortal women in disguise
like a lotta powerful alpha male types Zeus is often henpecked by his jealous wife
and is pulled around by his daughter
hes kinda analogous to the christian god Jehovah
he gets really upset about stuff he shoulda seen coming
given his omnipotence and all
hes kinda middle-aged but hes still totally the kingpin
but gets angry and confused by all the idiots he has to work with
hes a bit proud and does not like to be slighted
*his missus is of course Hera who is goddess of marriage among other things
which must be frustrating as Zeus is chasing a lot of crumpet around
she’s a nasty vengeful type if you happen to fuck her over or slight her in some way
she’s not afraid to pester her husband about stuff sometimes nepotistic stuff at that too
she got the memory of an elephant and will never forget a grudge
and she got the connections to bring any enemy down good
*Poseidon is another angry bastard
god of the sea and of horses
I think basically he wants Zeus’ gig and is fed up with the sea
another vengeful type hes got lots of nasty ways of killing people up his sleeve
and sometimes he likes to just mess about with your head
when he could just kill ya pow!
hes middle-aged too and and got some wild sons like the cyclops
he can change his mind pretty easily too
sometimes it seems he wants everyone to lose…
*hades
god of the underworld and the dead
an old miserable rich devil
he fucking hates his job but hes comfortably numb
don’t ask him for a favour
everything has a string attached with this guy
he kidnapped a young starlet goddess called Persephone
but he lets her visit her mother whom is the Earth itself Demeter
who later started a healthy brand of bread
Hades is his name and Hades is his neighbourhood
he doesn’t say much
* Apollo wow forever a golden youth
god of archery and medicine and music
doesn’t mind raining his arrows down on the clowns who offend him
if you desecrate his temple or mess with his priestesses
man you gonna feel a plague-tipped bolt right in your backside as you flee screaming
running from the far sighted archer
still… having invented music and medicine hes allowed the odd angry massacre you would think
his twin sister is
*Artemis
she’s a virgin and she likes hunting animals
she pretty much keeps her head down
and would rather take down a stag with her bow than get involved with all the bull that goes on up at Mt Olympus
where most of the other gods hang out or talk about what the mortals are doing these days
*Aphrodite of course everyone knows she’s the goddess of love love love
she’s a fucking honey and you know it
come on there is no woman like Aphrodite and she is sexy as all hell
she’s a bit of a dumb blonde tho and easily led astray as well as leading others astray
she’s good to have on your side if you wanna date the most beautiful women in the ancient world
( oh man can you imagine them..?)
but not much chop in a battle and not much good at coming up with ideas
her boyfriend is
Ares god of war
a bit of a cowardly custard he causes wars but doesn’t dig fighting much himself
hes a cold hearted SOB but he knows a cracker when he sees one whom is his squeeze Aphrodite
*Hermes
hes the messenger and he is one fucking mercurial cat
he darts through space and time with his winged sandals
which are probably aerodynamically impossible
he is pretty random too
he likes magicians and travellers
hes a bit of joker and is always a grinning beautiful teenager
auspicious if ya got him on yer side
*Athena
goddess of wisdom and stuff like that
although she’s always working her own agenda with her little favourites
and using logic to befuddle her daddy Zeus who can never say no to her
just like all fathers with their daughters…
she sprang right out of his head one day
she is literally a chip off the old block
she’s pretty clever and rational mostly
she thinks Aphrodite is a bimbo and a joke
but Athena is a bit judgemental like that
if she was a politician she’d be a conservative
Norse Pantheon:the Aesir
Odin was the Scandi equivalent of Zeus
but there the comparison ends
Odin does not chase women or fuck about with humans much
hes kinda middle aged tho verging on old but still as powerful as all get out
but hes kinda weary too and fatalistic
he gave one of his eyes for wisdom
and hes a sober grim wise heavy old geezer like Gandalf the Grey or something
hes the all-father and unlike Zeus he has a few nemeses
the frost giants Fenris the wolf the Midgard serpent etc
he knows they’re all gonna wipe each other out at Ragnarok
where everyone will die… good and bad alike
Thor is Odins son and hes a wild brawling old fashioned hero
he didn’t get Odins intelligence but hes a really strong and tough character
he doesn’t have too much to do with humans and not much point in worshipping these guys
in fact they don’t really care if you worship em or not
Thor goes around fighting with the giants and other crazy zany adventures
hes nothing like the guy they got in the current movies
nor is Loki
who is not god of anything but is a total tricky bugger
a bit of a situationist
hes the spanner in the works
and he loves to fuck things up a true Discordian
he loves to take things too far
but he pisses off Thor and does some really evil stuff eventually
which ends up with him suffering an everlasting punishment
with no parole in sight
that im afraid is the extent of it for the Aesir
because all the rest are pretty lifeless and boring
and all the real action is around the good the bad and the ugly
ie O, T and L
Hindu Pantheon
*Vishnu is the main man of the Hindu gods
he expands himself into all the other gods
and he experiences himself and the world as avatars
An avatar is not your picture on social media
an avatar is an extension or incarnation of Vishnu
Like Krishna or Rama
these avatars usually don’t know that they are Vishnu
they appear as half human demi gods to relish material and spiritual existence
they have wives and lots of wives if they want
they do heroic deeds and fight crime and irreligion and nescience
they are handsome rich strong charismatic youthful rockstar gods
like Indian Apollos or Hercules
Krishna in some way is christlike
with a manifesto and with a lotta good advice or as one would say life hacks
he can do whatever he likes hey hes the godhead
unlike the Norse gods the Hindu gods have no real enemies
except the demons who don’t ever stand a chance of mutiny
*Shiva hes the destroyer to Vishnus preserver
but him and Vishnu arent fighting about it
Shiva steps in to wind things up when the fat lady sings at the end of all time
before it call gets rolled out again
Vishnu has created Maya which is illusion
and everyones tangled up in it
Shiva has a son
Ganesha the elephant god
hes a wise jolly reasonable god and quite approachable
he sure likes sweetened milk drinks which explains his weight
he will remove obstacles too so worship him if ya got any
*Kali is one scary mother
good if she’s on yer side but quite a psycho if she’s lost it
she’s got a necklace of skulls and decapitated heads and she’s dancing around
steer clear of her if yer fainthearted
you’re after Aphrodite not her…
Judaeo Christian Pantheon
*Jahweh/Jehovah
by Jove hes a cranky pants god
hes a bit like Poseidon
a nasty customer to tangle with
and very sensitive to criticism
and kinda fickle
he has his favourites and he likes to play around with his human beings
testing em and that kinda thing
(I mean why would you bother..?)
he loses his temper with his creations and nukes cities and drowns worlds
he sends wild bears to tear up rude youths
and lets his fave people run riot in the biblical times
it always seems to go wrong
unlike Zeus and Vishnu but like Odin
Jehovah has an adversary called Lucifer
good loving’ gone bad Lucifer has recruited half the angels
and they got kicked outta heaven
and now they wanna collect human souls
so Jehovah wants human souls and so does Lucifer
but just why that is ive never really figured out
In the end Jehovah will presumably crush Lucifer
but why doesn’t he do us all a favour and just do it now
sometimes they even hang out together to discuss how the game is going
and Lucifer can even goad J. into doing cruel and unusual things to his fave guys
*Jesus Christ is very much like an avatar of Jehovah
in as much as he comes to earth to experience human life and teach the locals
and like Krishna he is not sure exactly who he is
but unlike Krishna who is like a smaller version of Vishnu
Jesus is a much nicer cat than his father
hes a pretty reasonable cooled out man with a new approach
in fact much of what he says is the opposite of what J has said
and he very much was urging to give peace a chance
he only lost his temper a few times and there was not a lot of damage done either
hes got a good way of explaining things
and the way he says stuff goes down well the the ordinary folks
it makes sense
*hes a bit like Buddha
Only Buddha isn’t a god hes just an enlightened guy
who’s jumped off the wheel of endless karma
he goes into nirvana in the end
I dunno what thats like but I wouldn’t mind finding out
the end