ive always enjoyed a good scam
give me a pyramid scheme where the guys
on the bottom lose their shirts
or a goode chain letter rip off
aint human naivete a wonder
about 20 years ago
there was an ad in the rags
enter your poetry in contest
to be printed in new anthology
everyone i knew entered that fuckin contest
and every one of em was accepted for this
grande compendium of aust po
everyone was ecstatic
they pooh poohed ole sk
when he cruelly pointed out the unlikelihood
of em all having gotten in…
then i sussed
everyone who entered WAS accepted
and sho’nuff
they were offered a chance to
buy a “deluxe goldtrimmed plutonium edged” book
containing their own sweet poem
of course everyone WAS planning to forke out
for yon scammy
until wise olde sk popped the bubble
you see
the only people who bought the book
were the hundreds of people who had their “poems”
inside it

now 20 years later
a crew in the us
who give out trophies you have to buy
publish you in book scam as in olde rippoff
or invite you to poetry conferences
which cost an arme
AND
a legge
all to honour you great poet
that you are
i sent them the lyrics to sealine
for a joke
now they wont get off my internet-back
YES MR STEVE KILBEY of NTH BONDI
YOU MAY ALREADY BE THE BEST POET ON EARTH EVER!!!
IMAGINE A THOUSAND OF YOUR POET PEERS
CHEERING AS YOU ACCEPT THE URANIUM ENRICHED IVORY STATUETTE
AND DANCE THE DANCE OF THE SEVEN AMBIGUITIES
IN LUXURIOUS PITTSBURGH
AT THE AIRPORT HOLIDAY INNE
IN 2006
DONT DELAY
BOOK YOUR TROPHY NOW
ALL GUEST SUITES WITH RHYMING DICKTIONARY
AND ROCOCCO THEMES
BE THE FIRST CERTIFIED HANDS-ON POET
IN YOUR NAYBOREHOOD
SPOUT PROSE PO JUST LIKE RIMBAUD
DONT BE LONG, FELLOW
WE ARE SELLING TICKETS FAST
ETC
ETC
PETER CETERA
so ive written back some fierce
and urgent emails…
you can well imagine
including words like fuck
arses
bastards
and so on
any how
they still spam me
trying to scam me
people
please dont fall for this one
if yer a poet
you are
if you aint
you cannae get a fershlugginer certificate
to proove you are
it dont work like that
take olde sk
i did it the slow way
the harde way
a few poems in the high school magazine
DESPITE IMPOSSIBILITY
INFINITY HAS BEEN REACHED
they were the first words
of my first pome
that i ever wrote
which got in
the 1971 lyneham high
school maggy
and some very nice pictures
of the young sk
quite dashing
with ultra long hair do
etc
then
for years nothing
i wrote
i wrote
no one would read the fucking stuffe
i was the greatest poet ever
out of lyneham
…..
all the kids at school said so
and now
none of the buffoons i knew
would read mah po
now with some bestselling boox
topping the poetry charts
all over the plaice
i can look back and have a laughy
yes
i am a rich and famous poet
my works will influence generations to come
i have been translated into many languages
inkluding english
i am sought after
wherever metaphors are mixed
whenever a clever anachronistic flourish
is needed
whenever a young rapper
cant distinguish between
his yeats and his keats
between de posse and debussy
between his van gogh and his mango
there my works are referenced
appendixed
tonsilled
thumbed
pontificated upon
read with interest
and bought by the truckload
they tell ya you cant get rich from poetry
ha ha
lord byron was a fuckin millionaire
i know
i saw michael hutchence play him
(that was shelley. the ED)
shakespeare traded sonnets for opium
can you imagine that
jesus, im jonesing…
oh i’ll write a little fucking sonnet then
sometimes i sell individual poems
on ebay
for hundreds of thousands
i work it out im getting
about 7 k per letter
maybe more for capitals
maybe a little less for commas
but whenever i need something big
i just whip out ye olde prose poem
ha
and i can show you how baybee
don’ ya wanna be a poetess??
enroll now
i guarantee you’ll
be rhymin’ and humming
in pentameter
in next to no time
its easy my way
no hidden talent needed
no previous experience necessary
wanna be poet laureate of england?
and read yer 4th form dribble to queenie e
and prince philly?
thousands of others have….!
it cant fail
even if youve never read any poetry before!!!
youll be churnin’ out yer own fleurs du mal
in seconds
WITHOUT EVEN THINKING!!!
ha ha
you clowns
see you tomorrow

XXXXXXXXXXXX
sk