this blogge is for the dean…
ypu wanted an uninformed dullard roasted
ooh deany
i got just the turkey for you!
now no one on this blog can ever question
how much this olde hippy loves orstraylia
and i fall down and pay homage to the geniuses
n one-offs and all the other brilliant australians
the passing parade
our great painters
our great writers
our grate actahs (whoever they are)
our great musicians
(and heres a lil list in case ya forgotten)
grant mclennan, robert forster, dave mccomb
nick cave, hutch, all india radio, underground lovers
augie march, the finger, decoder ring,neil finn (well almost aust)
blah blah blah blah blah
i aint got no cultural cringe
i lived in the u.s. n i lived in europe
but i chose to come back here
an’ i doo love it here
but one thing has always bothered me
about austrayliah
and that is
that the tendency to be a second rate
poor mans usa
we dont fuckin’ need it
anymore than we need to be
second rate uk
australia has its own thing
it always had and it always will
why this desire to replicate american stuff
now ya may be wonderin’ a’where im going with this
awkward little preamble
but this is it
(deep breath)
last nite i watched australian idol
a grim n horrible confession
to be sure
but ya see
i was curious to see how they were gonna do my song
so there we are
sittin round the idiot box
australian idol
yeah yeah
nothin new
we used to have these shows even when i wassa kid
talent shows
new faces
gong shows
but now mutated into this juggernaut
1st of all we getta recap on last show
a buncha of aussie chicks singin either
a) like they grew up in a ghetto in philly
or
b) like they grew up in a trailer park outside nashville
but whatever it is
it aint australian…thats fer fuckin sure
carbon copies of carbon copies
yeah yeah australias beyoncee from wagga wagga
yeah yeah australias dixie chick from adelaide
anyway
we have the ridiculous moment where all these
girls, bitter rivals desperately clawing their way
to the top of an illusory dungheap
and the 2 winners get announced
ah look
all the others so excited to see their rivals win
and not them
crying and covering the glorious winners in kisses
even tho theyre going straight back to wherever it was
empty handed
such false n sickening insincerity
played out by countless women in dopey miss universe pageants
since the year dot
every one of em wants to scream
what the fuck…?!
how did SHE win..?!
im a better beyoncee than HER!!!
but no
its fawning kisses and all that hysterical tripe
bah humbug!
but this is jus’ the beginning
we meet the judges
now i know this much
cos i once accidentally watched american idol n swedish idol
that theres sposed to be 3 judges
the good guy
the woman whose kind to everyone
and the bad guy
the good guy turns out to be marko holdem
an ex teen crooner n distributor of roses
to the girlies in the audience
the woman turns out to be marshier hinds
an american veteran singer
been in australia forever tho
and the villain is
the superbadde guy
the one with the ascerbic wit n crushing put down
is….
drumroll
koyle handshandylands
oh koyle
watta loverly name
the feminine is koylie
so i guess yer mum was expecting a girlie
but she names ya the masculine equivalent
koyle
now our koyle
mmmm
how to describe this arch villain
think
think
rodent
a pudgy ginger rodent
turned into a man
(using the term loosely)
with a pointy ginger little hair do
full of “product”
and dressed i guess in expensive modern clothes
koyle is a shock jock talkback king here in sydney
which means hes the watered down local equivalent of some american dude
you see koyles ratlike face on all the buses round syddley
drumming up an audience for his lil radio show
and indeed thru out idol
ads would appear with our koylie dressed up
hilariously as a scotsman
a german
a frenchman (complete with beret..oh how hilarious)
doing the kind of cliched accents
which made the kids laugh back when he was in
port macquarie primary school
or wherever the fuck hes from
oh my koyle
yer a hilarious comedian
gee a beret n everything
wow
anyway
now its the boys turn
they all come on n do their thing
which is imitating the back street boys or whatever
you know
that fawning fluttery syrupy shit ya hate
in their insincere little voices
oh oh
one dude from tassie rocks out
koyle doesnt dig him tho
oh great show biz oracle that he is
so good at…
er..
hey koyle what do ya do again
can ya sing?
(nope)
can ya dance
(nope)
can ya play an instrument?
(nope)
are ya funny
(nope)
are you merely a cynical talentless butt ugly no one
who got very fuckin’ lucky
on a radio show
and ya must look at yerself everymorning
in yer expensive mirror in yer expensive condo
and pinch yerself
cos ya cant believe yer good luck
that youve parlayed yer nothingness into a “career”
where you sit around in the anonymity of yer
radio show n laugh n swear
just like any other dime a dozen yobbo
you could meet in any pub on any night
man
youre not even a fuckin villain
youre not even a bad ass
youre just…..a little ginger nothin’
and in few years
youll be the kinda thing we’ll all sit back n laugh at
as an example of the excess of the early 2000s
the emergence of the useless cynical talentless no one
as millionaire schlock jockey
that had his rodent like mug on a bus once
so when koylie disses the dude from tassie
mr tassies got this look like he wants to knock
koyles ratty teeth down his throat
n blow me down if i cant feel most of
australia willing him on to do it
i’d have voted for ya then pal!
anyway eventually a strange but hip young druid
sings under the friggin milky whey
a bit too jazzy n with a weird accent
but not a badde version of the olde warhorse
ooh ooh
guess what
koylie handshandylands
dont like my song
and he says it over n over
like hes got a personal axe to grind
OF COURSE YOU DONT LIKE IT YOU WANKER
COS YER A FUCKIN PHILISTINE
and that means
you dont know understand music or art or culture
and i was so happy you hated my song
cos youre anathema to me
you are my total opposite in everyway
and i would be disturbed if you cared for anything
that i had done
so there you go
not a badde version of the olde milky…
handshandylands
yer a complete failure as a villain
have me on yer show koylie
i dare ya!
lets duke this out man to rodent
anytime
anyplace
i’ll fuckin have ya!
yer pathetic!
love
steve kilbey