poor olde our nicole
she coulda married anyone
she coulda married prince norbert of macedonia
or johnny idiot of the jets
or lion woods the golpher
or brad arm-pitt
or even
me……
but no
she hadda go n hitchup with keethy urbane
a cognac n western singer
who grew up in orstralia
but strangely developed a nashville twang at age 9
and learnt to write those great country numbers
like” my dog divorced my truckstop man”
and “honey, i fucked the tractor”
and keethy was rollin in the moolah
cos of his grate originality
and he went to nashville
they couldnt even tell the difference
and he sold so many records
he had a ranch next door to the dicksy chicks
n willy nelson n dolly part-em
an he played at the gran’ ol oprey
more often than anybody.
and why oh why our nicole?
who introduced our nicole to keethy urbane?
well legend has it it was chopper read at an ice party in surry hills
but i reckon it was at the fishnchip shop here in bloody bondi
you know
the one where terry stamp tries to avoid us stalkers
keethy was walkin back from the nirvana beach liquor shop
with a bottle or three of cognac under his arm
when he spotted our nic having her sav battered
n a deep fried mars bar
urbane stumbled in
all bow legged from horse riding n roundin up the sheep
our nic wanted to smile
(she couldnt of course)
she was very lonely after that billionaire polo player proved to be shallow
and it hadnt worked out with whatsisname
who she thought she would always love
and there she was
slightly stiff n sad looking
in the bondi chip shop
i’ll have a deeply fried husband too she said to no-one in particular
keethy wrote a beautiful new song too
called hey billy, shes my kid,man
their ceremony was a top secret affair
except for celebrity pox magazine
who got exclusive rights to the whole shebang
seems a little brandy in the wedding cakey sent urbane off
and last week he checked into a bottleshop in utah
wearing only sunglasses n his akubra hat
nicole was so shocked
she wanted to frown but she couldnt
gee why am i always the unlucky one?
i shoulda listened to my father doctor horatio kiddyman
he said our nicole you should marry steve kilbey
one thing he dont have is a drinkin’ problem
but did she listen…..?
nope
and keethy
im sorry
you cant do that cover of unda the milky whey
um…
my parole officer thinks it’d be bad for me to be associated with ya..
sorry guys
uh…guess i wont be seein ya backstage at the metro our nicole
and keethy
if ya whiteknucklin it in rehab
just have a fuckin’ jagermeister
DONT WORRY, ITS HERBAL!