i was gonna ask ya…
now that y’all paying me to write this
um, well you see
i need conditions
6 weeks leave full pay
6 weeks sick leave full pay
6 weeks paternity leave full pay (backdatable 7 years)
(fiendss you already owe me 3×6, 18 weeks full pay!)
then miscellaneous leave 3 weeks full pay
feeling a little tiddly leave
kinda sad n blue leave
shore leave
not so sure leave
please leave
by all means leave
and when youve gotten yer heads round that
i need clothing allowance
(hey this bricklayer gear aint cheap!)
i need entertainment allowance
i mean
we do a lot of entertaining here
why, the other day
i was entertaining the idea of being
an entertaining entertainer!
cos every body needs to be entertained right?
its what bobby d called
letting someone else get their kicks for you
i mean out here
its in our constitution
we the ozzies
demand the right to be entertained
and the wurst things get
the more entertainment we want
so fiendss
ya see it aint all beer n skittles
entertainment is a serious thing…
you gotta fork out big time for it
and then theres travel allowance
now my falcon guzzla wagon
drinks petrol for brekky just standing still
everytime i switch on that car
50 acres of brazil disappears
and the oh-zone layer gasps over antarctica
(wouldnt you?)
so moving around to get my t.b. paraphenalia
is gonna cost ya!
i need “p.d.s” too
that stands for something latin
and it means a little bit of extra cash
on top of yer meagre wage
so i dunno
a few hundred bucks n hour p.d.s
for my time n trubble being
my laptop needs a loada upgrades
n a new coat of plastic
my screen is bedimmed
by the blood sweat n tears
i produce each day
trying desperately to breadwin
(king breadwin the 13th of brokeland)
of course i got my consultancy fees
my mer-fees
my school-fees
my parking fees
my n/a fees
my geogra-fees
my etc etc etc fees
are you getting the picture fiendss?
you got a genius on yer leash now
youre paying me…
you can have me do anything
re-write the bible in sk-speak?
no problem, i’ll get it done tomorra
the entire second by second account
of the chorchs 1st ever gig in pentameter n rhyme?
ok, ive already got it ready
heartbreaking sadness n chuckle provoking froth?
you want that with fries, sir?
its a big commitment being a genius patron
i’ll come running to ya
with esoteric concepts that have got me all in a blather
but which seem neither hare nor there to you
i’ll insist on doing strange things at strange times
and you’ll just have to look around embarrassed n say
heh heh im just his patron…
if we offend the vatican or the eye-a-tolla
you could get yer whatnots excommunicated
or a fat-wah
which could do some of you anorexics a bitta good
ha
you thought it was easy sponsoring a genius didnt ya?
you could whip me out at dinner parties n say
“really darling, to me rogers a fuckin’ anathema”
and then feel smug
knowing you helped pay me to write those words
if youre running round saying
baybee or vermillion or quotin’ whole chunks
and someone calls ya on it
simply produce yer paypal receipt
n say
i pay that mothers ass!
or something like that
or
why gentlemen ,
the t.b. works for ME!!
jesus
you heard of soap on a rope
im blogga on a leash
you have power of life n death
already i have received this letter
dear t. being
we, the undersigned
represent a conglomerate of subcribers
we wish to inform you
that if we dont have more
(fill in blank)
then we will cast you adrift
in the sea of poverty
and read the spanked bottom girl instead
just one of her bum cheeks pulls more punters
than you
so get to it
or yeblik ‘ll never see 53
and the t.b. ll never see one and a half
tell peter fuckin podcaste if he wants in on this scam
hes gotta get cracking
a bit of elbow grease, podcaste
you look rusty to me…
malcom turnbull donated a million bucks last nite
you think you bought me with that malcom, sir?
(what time is your yacht picking me up?)
so for those sponsors con-serned that
that bastard yeblik was gonna spend all their
hard-eked shekels on drugs
you see
malcom(sir) has now provided a budget
freeing up funds for other projects
like getting some bread n water for the flowers
and feeding the meteor
in fact
i got mah olde buddy wil-o
giving me fynancy advice
direct from mild brisbane
and he says
spend the bloody lot!
pam n perry have just opened a accountants business
for each bag o dope you buy
you get some superannuation advice free
or each taxs return scores you a free roach
out of their legendary bag of butts!
so im looking good
im thinking of investing some of this in
real fine estate
remember
its location location location
ha ha
or maybe
if nevets
or sk
or the being himself
is feeling lucky
we’ll just go down the casino
put the fuckin lot on black 13
if i win, i’ll abscond to south america
if i lose, i’ll come crying poor to ya
and youll probably “refinance” me
wouldnt ya?
i mean
we’re practically financees
engaged but not free!
any way
i do thank you for all your loot
look
i gotta go now
my attorneys out there waiting in the limo
my afghans need to be at the grooming salon
ellies pranged her lexus
minnas bringing peat docherty round for tea
so i need to get some things in
eve n auroras fees for june dally-watkins finishing skool
are due
(and its nearly finished em!)
and baby bumpers minks need cleaning
as for my self
now im rich ive taught my self to eat
lobster thermidore
i hate it like crazy
but it IS the most expensive thing on the menu
and i dont know about bombe alaska
mightnt that hurt the penguins or something?
i know what yer thinking
gee the time beings losing touch with his constituency
but thats the problem with being loaded like i am now
since this morning
im just waiting for my bank to open
im gonna light a cigar with hundred dollar note
and pelt the bag ladies with 2 dollar coins
im gonna get some cool threads n strut my stuff
me n me yappy dogs pooing all over the boardwalk
excuse me mister
i aint gonna clean that up…its art!
me in mah jewellry n rings
tommy hillfigure t-shirt
calvin klooney jockstrap
my stoned -wash genes
my white rhino leather boots
my albino tiger skin hat
my plutonium wristwatch
see the time glow being
each second a burst of fresh minty radiation
my fuck ecology, lets use it up! badge
my 10, 000 gb I!-pod
churning out a shuffle of elton n rod!
ho ho ho
im financially indy-pendant!
by enslavement have i found freedom
you, my new masters have released me
like a jeannie out of a bottle
here i stand at yer bidding
at your beck n caul
what was it you wanted again?
what?
look
hold that thought
im sorry
we’re outta time!