noah wasnt a bad bloke
i mean he tried to do the right thing
he loved ‘is missus
he had three big hefty boys called ham and cant remember the other 2
i mean hams badde enuff
maybe he stopped naming em after that
or was it ham sam and larry….?
does it really matter…
well in a way because they all went off n repopulated erf
w/ their progeny
apres le deluge baybee
after the big big flood
you see yer god was pretty cranky
he reckoned the human beans were pretty lawless n wild
those ungrateful little bastards he fumed
i’ll get their attention
i’ll teach em to carry on like that..
a flood!
one of the angels
probably gabriel
who i imagine looking like peter gabriel
round foxtrot days
but with wings and a lovely trumpet
anyway gabriel says
hang on lordy
aint there one cool cat down there
one true fiend who didst as thou willst
one ok druid who did his thing with style
yer god says
angel, yer right
yer right on the money as per usual ..
are we talking about….?
noah?
noah!
right on lordy, can i help with anything…
can ya fly down there and warn him
yeah you better ask him his favourite song…?
whys that, lordy?
well if he dont get it, you start singin’
raindrops keep falling on thy head….
gotcha ha ha…one other thing?
what is it gabe?
well ah whattabout all the animals?
what?
the animals, the creatures, the beasties, sire?
oh yes, i hadnt really thought about them…..
youll have to re create em, lordy….
oh no not again ….look make sure he takes 2 of each
a male n a female of everything from cockroach to cougars
a good pair of breeders thatll sort it out
as you wish, lordy….i’ll see to it n make it occur

so the following day
noahs out n about
doing his thing
calling in on some olde friends
having a drink a smoke n a laugh
when gabriel appears on the way home
wow an angel says noah
dig it you cool mortal n good friend of someone in high places
what does it all mean my wingy friend?
my man its going to rain
the world will go under
only you n yer fambley will survive
build an big big boat
take some food
you gonna make it alright….!
wow thanks for the tip…are you sure?
yeah says the angel and make sure yer boat is this many cubits!
wow says noah thats a big boat…umm why does it hafta be like that?
oh yeah says the angel…
there was something i forgot to tell ya…

the next day noahs wife (mrs sark)
she says what?
an angel told you what?
she looked outside at the biblical blue sky n its golden sun
it aint gonna rain this time o year you crazy fool
baby cmon on now says noah just help me get this gig together
where are the boys?
theyre comin over fer dinner tonight, honey says wife
ok thats good and he looked up at the sky again
and only he would have noticed a tiny tiny whispy cloud
a long way up in that burning royal blue

anyway the next bit is pretty tricky to describe
noah n the lads rounded up all these animals somehow
i guess that it was divinely fixed that certain pairs
among each type were in on the whole flood thing
and had been like kinda tranquilised or something
or filled with some kinda understanding by gabriel maybe
how they rounded up polar bears n kangaroos n panda bears
well you can do stuff like that if ya got friends in high places
of course they built this huge boat first
sitting in noahs back garden in the middle of the middle east
a long way from the nearest lake or darling harbour
his neighbours n detractors were laughing at him
you know
giving him a hard time
hey noah can i hire this for my daughters wedding cruise..?
ha ha ha
actually thats an idea for when this whole thing is over said wife
and noah grunted
meanwhile the sky was growing greyer n greyer
a perfect storm was a brewing over noahs necka the woods
downtown the locals were still at it
same old same old
adult-ery
drunkeness
four knee cation
swearing n cursing n mentioning the wrong names
stealing n pinching n robbing each other blind
some of the dirty devils apparently were into bestiality
and thats some disgustin’ stuff
the first drop of rain hit a casino
the second hit a brothel
the third drop of rain landed on a bottle shop in jericho
and then
the sky opened up and it wept
baby it wept
and noah n his lads were still tying up a few loose ends
no hen peacock for example
(yer god wants ‘is peacocks, noah said gabriel)
both cobras had been less then forthcoming
(gabriel played a little tune on his trumpet n they calmed down)
one of the pigs had run off
saying to her husband the boar
horace…the guys name is ham ferchrissakes…!
noah felt those first drops and he yelled out
wow he aint givin’ us much time to wrap up this animal lark..!
they somehow grabbed the last of the beasts
n high tailed it to the boat
noahs wife smashed a bottle of phoenician bubbly
and said
i call this ship the ark
and they all jumped in
batten down the hatches
and it bucketted it down
and the water began to rise n rise
and the sinners began to get a little damp
in their pursuits of happinesses
that were not recommended
crimes against nature
unnatural acts n sordid dealings
avaricious greedy bunch
oh you should take some serious swimming lessons
cos its only just started baby
and it kept on bucketting down
and eventually the ark moved as the water lifted it afloat
luckily yer god had taken care of that tranking business
with the beasties i mean
otherwise you can imagine the chaos in this dark boat
oh i hope noah sealed it according to the angels specs
n didnt skimp on the tar
and how the hell ya gonna feed that lot?
i mean that lion aint gonna like going hungry
while those lambs are walking about
and the mess…
oh dear
seems the boys 3 wives got their hands full
1st wife: what the f#@k?
2nd wife: dont swear dear, this is a biblical recreation
3rd wife: hey i already read this flood story in gilgamesh
1st wife: c’mon its older than that too…
3rd wife : really..?
2nd wife : yeah this is just another remake
1st wife : but we’re trying to put our own slant on it
3rd wife : i still bet silly sods will take it literally though…
all 3 : sigh…..
meanwhile outside
the last of the sinners were clinging to the highest hilltops
as the rest of the world was submerged beneath the flood
as the ark sailed past they begged noah to take em on
please noah take us on
take me on
take on me
ahhhhhh!
but noah ‘d been given the word
no passengers!
and anyway he had his hands full
keeping the porcupines away from the baboons
feeding the new mice arriving all the time now
keeping the bears outta the honey etc etc
a tiger had already had a nibble on a wallaby
and the polar bears were sweltering and very pissed off
the birds were flying about
the cockatoos were squawking n panicking
the ducks had laid eggs and hams wife had trodden on one
what a bloody horrible mess she whinged as she mopped it up
i like eggs said ham
sooner or later everyone drowned
ok it was bit rough on small children who hadnt begin to sin yet
but then
given their environment n their genes
yer god musta reckoned it was inevitable
it was also a bit ruff on other countries far away
like say
australia
where most of the aborigines were in fact
behaving themselves
maybe it wasnt the whole world that flooded
maybe it was just noahs bit of the world
well its impractical to flood the whole world
it just wouldnt work
i mean to get up to everests height
would take a lotta rainwater and it d never dry out
but then again
why did he have those vicious hot polar bears with him then
i dunno
why ask me?
anyway
of course
the rest is history
the rain stopped
the sun came out
a dove came back wiv a leaf in its beak
the water evaporated away…somehow….
and the three lads trudged off in opposite directions
across the damp soggy muddy icky earth
in opposite directions cos theyd all hadda nuff of each other
and they each repopulated the planet with their progeny
(which is kinda silly…didnt they get….duh…interbreeding?)

and noah n mrs sark
did a great trade
dead sea cruises weddings parties bar mitzvahs anything