yes of course
i should have known it would be you….
playing that music
behind the door
a man about the killers own age sat there
the room had nail- on woodpanels
and green curtains
the man was playing an upright piano
slim!
dad?
watcha!
hi dad……
remember this one slim?
he started playing one thing but halfway thru
it slowly changed into some other songs
dad its half a dozen songs in one … killer said
oh yeah youre right dad said and laughed
whats going on here dad? he asked
im just playing the bloody joanna, slim said dad
too many flourishes ,dad he said
you leave me alone…i dont tell you how to play…
dad started to play some enchanted evening
the killer crooned a long
yer singings a bit better now said dad
where are the boys, dad ? he asked
out the back with the dog
wheres mum?
shes in the kitchen getting dinner ready
why am i here ? he asked
why do you bloody think ? dad said
well i dont know he said
dad shrugged and improvised on some old music hall thing
he looked up
go and get your bass guitar son
but dad… he said
go on get your bass and your amplifier
we can play some music together he said
go on slim ! get your bloody bass!
the thought of the corridor of slowness filled him with dread
but how could he deny his father this simple request…?
watcha waiting for ? said dad
he turned back and opened the door
and stepped on thru
instead of the hallway he had expected
he stood in a room
a hotel room
oh art deco all mod cons
hes just been travelling for ages
all over the place
man i feel tired
man i feel fatigued
i’ll just sit down on this bed he thinks
maybe i’ll meditate and fall asleep he thinks
he sits there saying his mantra for half a minute
and a hole opens up in his head
and the afternoon pours in
this is not a metaphor in fact
this happens
imagine it
you are endless
you are not expecting this
being so exhausted
you are not courting this at all
nonethe less you have opened up
and the gate was open for everything
its not pretty and you panic
its all happening on a huge screen
every word you say reverberates
every fear you have exaggerates
youre sitting back watching in the good seats
watching yourself up on the screen
simultaneity druid…..aint it something?
incredulously, you perceive the whole shebang as a wobbly projection
the solid reality upon which you stand has been undermined
the facades and veneers crack and peel back
voices whisper in hisses and screams
and you understand them all
this is the real abyss
not death
but madness
or enlightenment
but dark enlightenment
finding out everything is fucked!
shudder and shiver this is a terrible place to be
the abyss abyssmally hypnotic
in you go into that horror
its whirling baybee
its whirling you and everything around
its warping and oozing and spinning
and youre upside down inside out
every cell rails against this inversion
sucked off into his mind
the raw stuff of existence
its chaos!
locked in your mind
it is as big as the universe
inside your mind you dream up huge floating planets
crashing around in a sick solar system
you have to stop it somehow
how can you?
there are so many …and only one you
and look now youre so big yourself
youre a thousand storeys high
youre a skyscraping monster
and you feel so seasick just considering anything
and the planets go on bouncing and making this awful sound
and you have to stop them because youre all alone in here
and being alone frightens you too
as you suddenly realise how utterly you are
are alone
inside your head
with everything going wrong
cos you pushed it too far
and it wont snap back
still in an art deco hotel room on a bed
just with closed eyes
whimpering a little maybe
obvlivious to all that now
have i gone crazy ? he asks
and theres a knock at the door
come in he says eventually
the door opens and its dad
oh good olde bloody dad
nothing could ever be too bad then
dad established normality
dad grabbed that afternoon and pulled it out of his head
no no he groaned
cmon boy dad said and suddenly it was over
dad and him were driving along somewhere
im gonna drop you off just up here slim…ok? dad said
numbly he climbed out of dads car
dad beep beeped as he drove off
he was in a city
it was snowing
he was cold
intuition said nothing
nothing he could hear
he just stood there
until a bus pulled up….

tbc

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