sadness and sorrow hound me
that is the way of mortal men doomed to die
all i need is acceptance of this
i need to accept that is how it is
i was living next door to a building site
it was a noisy hell plus all the tradesmen had radios blasting
there were machines and trucks delivering and people shouting
there were hammers hammerin’
there were drills drillin’
there were builders buildin’
there were demolishers tearin’ it all down
i went to a spiritual advisor
and i said
man
i wanna love god
i wanna do my yoga
i wanna be serene and calm
but the noise is poisoning me
he said
steve, accept it….
oh that made me angry i can tell you
i went home
ha!
accept it!
i get home
its all going on in spades
the awful racket of the 21st century
attacking my damaged ears
and my frazzled nerves
like a thousand tiny darts
stabbing me in places i didnt know anything could reach
shrieking wailing clashing din of metals n stone
and then a small rebellious part of me said
hey
lets try the gurus advice…
the rest of me goes
ok
lets accept it
now acceptance is not easy
acceptance is one of those things that looks easy
but like a load of other qualities and deeds
its beyond your mere willpower
you think i dont have a bit of willpower?
its no good saying to your self
i must accept
because in commanding it
demanding it of your self
you are negating it
the acceptance must come
you must surrender to the acceptance
you have to lay down your “beef” with the thing you cant accept
its no good saying
ok i accept this racket
but i will go on vividly actively hating it
there can be no buts
you hope that acceptance will come
i was lucky
i was able to eventually manifest some decent acceptance
the disgusting racket went on n on for months
it would have killed me otherwise
but i accepted it
i did not (uselessly) resist it
i gave in
after all there was nothing i could do
i could hate it all i liked
but it wouldnt stop it
i could bore everyone i knew
with descriptions of how awful it was
(and it was!)(and i did!)
but it didnt go away
then one day
there i am
in my kitchen
which used to overlook a pair of rambling cottages
with vege gardens and birdies singing n flowers
you know
all those stupid things your hero loves
now it was a pit of mud and trusses and
blokes having arguments in foreign languages
and triple mmm playing acka dacka n doof doof doof
gurlie schmaltz n macho small-penised angst
eg nickelbach
you know
all the wonderful things your hero hates
and i could hardly hear the conversation
i was having on the phone
probably with tim powles who sometimes loves a chat
and guess what?
i realise im not angry
i realise im not fuming furious
im just accepting it
it took a little while
but (its all so simple, isnt it?)
i was accepting it
oh what a relief
of course i endured another 7 months of noise
before the orrible blocka flats was finished
and then guess what
6 weeks after that
i had to move out
cos the owners wanted to move back in…
we moved to another place
and then there was a dodgy panel beaters
going day and fucking night
all kinds of loud awful noises
and the perpetual radio belting out the slop
then i had to try n accept that all over again
now i live in a relatively quiet spot
but things just keep happening
exactly as they happen to everyone else
people keep upsetting my fragile balance
what i think is fair
intruding on my hard won semi-serenity
ive had my battles
ive argued
ive deceived
ive struck
and been struck
ive carried on like a right ratbag
and i was squashed deep into the carpet
and its taken a long time to claw back some “normality”
now i must accept that all this
my age
my occupation
my trying hard
my new leaf which is still turned over
etc
means nothing to people
who just being people
disturb the calm waters of my life
with continual trouble
that i never needed to have
i say why lord why?
but i really know the answer
the saint who is no saint
must bend further n further in the wind
the wind of outrageous fortune
just as i am coaxing my body to become more n more supple
(despite the years which are trying to achieve the opposite)
i must coax my mind and spirit
accept all this
accept the doubts n doubters
accept the accusations and animosity
but i strike out
over n over n over
and in striking out
i create new turmoil
and the ripples race out into the confusion that is humanity
now i aint talking about comments here
or only in a tiny way
i am ready to live transparently
im honest
im trying to be understanding
im trying to be reasonable
trying to suffer the slings n arrows
envy is a killer
i see such n such is doing the blah blah
and i get envy in the pit of my guts that burns me
this morning a few offhand remarks n my rejoinders
raised my fiery anger to such a heat
that it consumed me
i had to crawl back into bed
i had exhausted myself
i cannot accept that people are people
people say stupid things
i know i do
i write stupid things too
but i need to accept
life is not perfect here
we gotta be thick skinned and soft hearted
you gotta be able to accept the bouquets n brickbats
insults and flattery should not swerve me
this is earth
this aint heaven
bad mad sad things are bound to happen
all the time
any peaceful still time you can get is a miracle
a bonus
an extra
dont expect a smooth run
people will always impinge and infringe
they will disturb and perturb
theyll call ya a liar when youre telling the truth
and thats hard to swallow
but i must not become so angry
it is destroying me
i cant afford to lose so much energy
in one inferno of wrath such as today
i write this blog today
to externalise these thoughts
to actually put them into words
to give my willingness to accept more ooomph
i feel im being tested and im gonna pass the test
i will never get anywhere
if mere stupid words make me lose control
you,
dear reader
can make of this what you will
if anything in here appeals to you
use it by all means
this has been my experience
ps
this is not aimed at any commenters
believe me