the other day
i was doing yoga
i was stretching and breathing
breathing into it
i noticed it
not for the first time
but i focussed all my wayward attention on it
the ball of anxiety almost permanent
in the pit of my stomach
a ball of nonspecific worries
that 1st started to coalesce
around the time i hit kindergarten
growing and growing
exercising control over me
always dangling the next catastrophe over my head
or in event of none
it dregs up old painful memories
to sustain itself
it rarely relaxes its grip
drugs make it shrink away
but they exacerbate it too
when they run out
and it gets even more power
a shadow a threat a menace
implying that everythings black
what is its purpose?
what is its nature?
how to defeat it
become aware of it
there it is
maybe in your throat
maybe in your chest
in your guts
in your head
all of the above
become aware of it
whenever you feel happy or
that you accomplished something
it whispers yes but……
it whispers
yes but
i know you
and i know youre bad
and i know your secrets
and all kinds of unfortunate things
are coming your way
and you did this and that
you said such and such
you ran out on x
you ran out of y
you ran over z
it tells you
most people hate you
you are a fraud
your achievements are a joke
it can always find a chink in your achilles heels armour
it feeds off jealousy and envy and guilt and shame
and then it sits there
it is part evil spirit
it is part blocked chakras
it is part acid and bile
it is part thought
it is part physical
it is part nerves
its an all purpose trans-dimensional mofo
an intangible thing ruining everything as much as it can
i seem to be sharing this body with the one ive got
its been fucking with me
putting me off
sledging me
catcalling and heckling
frightening me
dismaying me
putting a bad spin on events
demanding a recount that finds that i lose
anyway
the other day
i finally isolated it
there it was
malingering in my stomach
tense and moody and full of fire
fire that burns off my carefully cultivated energy reserves
it longs to flare up
it longs to tighten
or explode
it longs to dominate and destroy
so there i am
face to face with this guerilla adversary
attacking me from within
a spy and a traitor
i think 1st of all
im still here
so none of your predictions came true
2ndly i think that whether you make me worry
or not
any bad things will not be averted
they will still come anyway
so then why worry
3rd i think im going to release you
and im not going to listen to you anymore
and then
i breathed it all out
it took a few breaths
to get rid of it all
quite a few
it was after all unwilling to leave
finally i enjoyed a few days of respite
calmed down a little
and handled all the curved balls getting chucked at me
gee life was nice without that handicap
without that handbrake
however it has since crept back bit by bit
and silently almost back at full strength
residing again within this body
seems you gotta cast it out
a few times
before it will leave you alone
maybe its an ongoing process
like cleaning yer teeth or something
anyway
i feel like i made progress on this
itll be like freeing up space in a computer
or getting rid of a big fat tick
or getting rid of worms and crabs and lice and scabies
or seeing the last of a cold or a flu
or the end of a bully at school
ha
i can feel the bastard now
ok
im gonna go outside and do some work on him
i aint standing for it anymore
i will not share my innards with Nagging Doubt