you see my fine and tender fiendss
there are always side effects to every n any thing
you drive a car
you have accidents, brake-downs
fossil fuel is going thru the roof
you have a garden then
oh you got weeds n pests n ants n crabgrass
you see
have you self a childe or 5
you get attitude you get headaches you get attached
get a band
you get arguments
you get people leaving
you get disappointments
you get disunity
you get a career in show biz
you get bad reviews
you get commisioned
you get olde…
so ok
you gotta accept the good with the bad
so one day in nov 2005
russell kilbey says
you should right a blog
me:u huh
a few days later rk says really you should write a blog
me: never ‘erd ovvit
so one day i’m reading my emails
and bless my brothers little cotton sox
but its all set up for me
all i have to do is click
bang
i was off
my first few bloggs were bloody rubbish
it hadnt dawned on me what a blog could be
but gradually we pick up shape n form
i become the time being inexorably
i write a few embarrassing puerile pathetic blogs
i write a few fucking magnificent ones too
proving i am he who am the only one
and a lot that are some good some bad
along the way it starts to occur to me
all the implications of this thing
immediately we had the old blown mystery syndrome
people didnt wanna know all that stuff about me
ok
they switched off
some people enjoyed hearing about the woofle et al
so it was ok
i experimented with honesty and personal admissions
the damn thing became my online diary
and i gave myself permission to do or say anything
however my fucking wandering moods took me
this resulted in a few ‘orrrible rants
that disgusted me as much as you:
i actually deleted one whole blog
such was is its vilenesss
yes i’d written something half drunk n very tired
in a cramped and unpleasant room
i vented forth a load of bile
that horrified me next morning
other times natch
ive knocked something off
and then next day
ive realised
hey that was pretty good
anyway
blah blah blah
we pick up some syncho-phants
we pick up some weirdos
we have a big schism over the meat thing
and a load of self righteous ninnies depart
but you know what
i never shoulda told em what to eat
fuck it all
i’m a almost vegan
i will nae ever eat meat
but if you or you pals want to
go a fucking head
i’m a vegan cos of me
cos i reckon its the smart thing to do
a lovely (real) buddhist lady from burma said to me
only be concerned about your own behaviour
dont ever worry about anyone elses sins
just concentrate on your own failings
if only everyone could do this
think how happy our world would be…
i made a mistake
i prozzle a tized to ya
do what you like
yeah thats how i feel now
i am a selfish vegan mofo
doing the right thing for the wrong reason
ok?
another thing you gotta admit
is although theres been some outrageously egotistical tripe
theres been some heartfelt self reproach too
i aint a saint
or buddha
or even buddhist
i aint a paragon of virtue
jesus i reckon i made it clear
i aint anything really
i dont advocate any thing all that much
i’m just a bumbling stumbling bloke
who happens to have written some songs
and the people who like his songs
read his blogs
if i’m standing at a water fountain
for example
and a dog (or a child)
(or an old woman)
(or a squirrel)
(or a rugby union player)
runs up and licks my face
and slurps all over the place
i’ll tell ya about it
how diz-gusted i am
and i make no bones about it
if a fucking cock roach or rat
or mynah bird
or burgler
or snake
comes in my house
i will resort to extreme measures if necessary
who wouldnt?
you see just coz i reckon the meat industry
is akin to concentration camps
and is an unhealthy immoral blight on “civilization”
it wont stop me donging you with my hammer
if you try n come in my place uninvited like a clown…
if youre a little birdy
wants to fly in my house
and (this gets some readers excited..!)
poo poo poo
then you may get your neck wrung
if youre a little doggy
having a quiet poo poo poo
in my front garden
and your owner thinks no ones looking
beware!
i am an excellent shot with a stone
i throw hard too
and if all else fails
i have been known to redeliver dog poo
express in the owners letterbox (regardless of yer zip code)
if you try to grab my kids on the beach for a photo
you may go home wearing yer camera…
yes you see
i dont believe in huge demoralising wars
but i believe in sensible solutions to small problems
i dont interfere with others
and i expect em not to interfere with me
here are my shortcomings again
old
ugly
selfish
violent
rude
greedy
envious
washed up
there thats outta the way
dont need to bring it up again
cos i just did
so
where all this is leading is…
look i dont wanna hurt anyones feelings but
we need a decent wag
really we do
and i’m officially offering a decent wag
part of the swag
look
i’m sorry to the wag that we got now
look
you were funny once rememember…
(can someone remind me…?!)
gee wag
i dont know how to tell you this but…
its just that things being what they are..
downsizing…
pressures from japanese investors
corporate decisions outta my hands
i’m sorry wag but…
im afraid i’m letting you go
yes
you can make some waggish remarks
until next monday
when you can clear out your desk
take your axe-grinder with you please
pack up all your funny one-liners
oh and please remember to take all those hilarious names
you used to make up too..
i know its a bit of a sad occasion
but really old bean
you havent been making me laugh much
laugh?
i would even accept a wry smile
but alas my faithful but dull wag
you are being retrenched
i hear bobo and the hedge are looking for a wag on their blog
i believe michael stripe may need a wag (or was that a wig?)
i believe gene simmons is interested in having a guest tongue wag occasionally
i think you could easily get a job wagging
on one of those blogs that no one reads
but …
well…
look
cant ya see i’m starting to do kinda well here
i’m frickin ratin’ in the top thirty of personal blogs
of all the malarkers writin’ their tripe each day
in this whole wide world
i…me…is getting enough readers
to hoist me up into the top thirty
i even hit fuckin’ thirteen the other day
and thats my little lucky number
of course i cant compete with some of the other bloggers
above me on yonder charts
the smacked bottom girl
the adventures of the naked gay boy in ny (not one of my personal faves)
the tips n hints on computers n printers guy
the blogs in spanish n chinese
but all in all
i do ok
i gotta lotta silent readers
who never comment
i gotta gang of regulars
but they are the tip of the 800 reader iceberg
thats right
beyond
mission
veleska
davem et al
is a huge unknown continent of readers
some of whom subscribe generously
and confide their thoughts in private
people we will never know about
many of whom NEVER read the comments
still i say
mr wag
i’m sorry
i just cant afford to have a so so wag like you on anymore
the muse is on at me to sack your ass
muse : thats true
its just that
ricki maymi jokes aint that funny
you do em over n over
like an olde fishwife serving up the same dismal dinner
oh its ricki maymi jokes again….aw…
sorry wag
we’re wanting a little change from them for a while
cant you do anything err….funny
the problem is this:
are you a proper wag
or
are you an axegrinding loser
trying to bring your ex-idol down a peg or too
because…
youve got a very small …….opinion of yerself?
(shooting n stabbing in the dark here)
so i’m not turning the anons off yet
tho it doth seem to give you a feeling of triumph ere i do
but
i will let the readers decide
Q : do we need a new wag?
LET THE PEOPLE DELIVER THEIR VERDICT:
SO BE IT!