steve kilbey woke up angry
his house was invaded by waterfowl and small dik-dik
he rose from his bed and personally wrung the neck
of every one of them creatures
before he turned on his kids
in a stoned stupour
thrashing them with copies of his solo albums
he’d found in the cut out bins
and hurling vile insults at them
in a pre-phoenician sea cant he was experimenting with
he looked at his self in the mirror
you know that predictable mirror
with the nightfriends(?!) on the other side
fuck
what a disgrace
fuckin malcolm turnballs got thicker pingis than me
he moaned in his ‘orrible discordant voice
jesus kilbey called out to his childe-bride duckling puig
i know guys of eighty in better shape than me
but his wife had the headphones on
ignoring ‘im n listening to some decent music
get ready for school you little ninny
kilbey roared
grabbing his youngest kid by the neck
but daddy….i’m only a lickle tiny baby said violet kilbey
i dont go to school yet….
well you will today
muttered kilbey
driving his tribe before him like a d-ranged white hippy moses
fucking turnballs got a bigger tribe than me he cursed
as he forced old ladies to cross the road
and put kittens up in trees
the street on the way to school
in fact
any street on any way to any school in sydney
was punctuated with small mountains
of dog poop
all in various stages of ….err…evolution..
most the other citizens didnt seem to mind tho
hey its just a little barkers egg…right?
on a cold morning when ya step in it
and ya have to have the heater on in yer car
stuff like that
or getting it walked into yer house
or vice versa
when people hit it with lawnmowers
or at night
when you cant see a thing
or when babies walk into it
or people slip over on it
or….
no no
it did seem that most people were happy
to hop skip n jump n avoid
the merry reminders from mans best friend
(but er..my best friends have always been er…men)
only crusty grumpy stoopid olde killa
would be angry about a small thing like
the kilos of dog poop strewn across the landscape
and have the gall
to sound off about it on his own blog…
kilbey often carried an axe
with which he beheaded dogs
dolphins
and baby orang-u-tangs
with the cry of
rocknroll!
or in the midnight hour
when he screamed
more more more
he was bitter cos mark see-more got his wag
kilbey was so washed up
that upon applying for a job as a dishwasher
he was refused on the grounds of nepotism
he gotta job distributing pamflits for turnball
but he couldnt get it right
no steve
you put the pamflit in this way!
getting home from his morning paddle in the lagoon
he unleashed his vile bile on his hapless readers
(not a fucking hap amongst ’em!)
oooh so n so was walking out
ooooh so n so dont like me anymore
ooooh so n so thought i was a hippo-critto-potto-mus
ooooh woooh…i’m telling on you
ooooh i know what you did last summer
oooohhh kilbey ate a beer chocolate n tortured a beeline
hey kilbeys head was exploding with all the upson downs
the best song ever anywhere anytime by anyone…
but mal turnballs had stacked the song preselection
by buying the Daily Bilge newspaper
and making sure his own song
“sod democracy i was born to rule”
was the most revered
bugger it!
kilbey thought as he jagged for dugongs
and netted hummingbirds
and pounded out vitriolic tripe
on his cockie-ridden lapptopp
(made from real lapps!)
he dribbled and ranted and became disenchanted
he was losing his precious readers at a terrible rate of attrition
they was walking out left right ad nauseum
some were leaving in retrospect
taking all their old comments out
from years back
please dont go
baby please dont go
kilbey implored ’em
please please me kilbey sang the leavers
leaving by the droves
abandoning ship as it were
kilbey jumped in a life raft
he noticed the other occupants were the wiggles
fuck it he said
as he dived into the sea
the sea of possi-billy-teas
the sea of uncert-aint-‘e
the c below the middle c
and c c ryder
and ride captain ride upon your mystery ship
and the white stripes blue movie
and black francis xavier and francis a sissy
and turnballs richard butler
(he has a butler for every body part!)
and kilbeys chipped teeth
(see ebay for the bit that fell out)
and matty davydsson with his fuckin karate piledriver
and ricki maymi whose painting was printed in the sydney morning herald
while he was up jamming with clark kent
in stu sutcliffes hotel room
and he was only having the primo
but he jumped up n said
“whats happenin’?”
and the rocknroll scientist in his lab coat
he was torturing me with elton john records
and creed
and the the wit-limbs
and the monicas
and malcolms john butler
and i am i am i am
but not you am i
and i was on the tv
and my mums getting her knee done on monday
please send the flowers to narnia
i am experiencing a temporary epiphany
norbal service will be rezoomed
is he having a laugh?
the anons have won a great victory over east asia
oceania is now our friend
bring the wag on
there ought to be clowns…
let the muse speak
muse: i…..
thats enough
a storm in a tiny tea cup
a kerfuffle
a scuffle in a toy shop
do what you want
go where you will
you are free
all of you
any of you
all absolved
ia ao ao
i bless thee
i bless thee
i …. i’ll see you later..
i bless thee
ok
now for something completely different

ah thats better

!