be patient
you’ll play all the parts
morning
summer
winter
evening
return to your old haunts
driving down country lanes you become your father
hanging in the sky become your son
suddenly you look around yourself
all this and you were hardly interested
now with time running out the doors
time pouring through every open window
time pawing your bones
time poring through your mind
temporal shift
today the flowers are all painted in brightly
the temperature has been adjusted to a jolly 75 degrees
oh maybe i should stick around you think
in a field like italy
beware of snakes says the flyer
men in green direct you to your spot in the trees
float over the lawns
nibble nibble
one side makes you taller one side makes you smaller
my mother sits like a queen on a portable throne
80 years old surrounded by her sons and brothers
sisters-in-law, daughters-in-law
nephews, grand children and well-wishers
time has shaped her inside and out
i remember when she was more restless
under some kind of pressure she put on herself
now she sits with her iffy knee fresh from under the knife
under a great pine tree
gracious and happy and contented
while a strange crowd of country bumpkins and hippies
listen to the bhagavad guitars
i talk a little but dont say much
always the outsider
russell says
i’d tick every box on the asbergers page
anti social
dislikes crowds n noise (oh you bet i do)
cant read people (apparently not)
etc
something in me cant feel
and something else feels too much
i cant stand the phony baloney chit chat trip
if i know you hate me
dont welcome me into your house with a forced smile
dont kiss me or hug me or ask me how d’ye do?
anyway i always keep me distance from em all
but now its a quiet distance
a modest distance
a distance filled with quiet vagueness
not a screaming silence
i dont sulk in a huff
i just sit on my own
no one can or wants to reach me
i see marlon cruise by
he looks at me now like we understand each other
neither of us can really participate in these things
why why why
i dont resent it if thats what it is
ive always hated small talk
i want to like it
i want to fit in
how many times has someone said to me
why cant you just be normal for once?
and i didnt know
i never knew what it was
i learned to approximate
you mean i should actually smile?
like this?
i knew smiling was good but i never made the connection
or if i did i could never be bothered
we are animals…we react to this kind of stimuli
maybe i tried to jump over all that
i cant remember
in my mind i was cold and cruel
but i am no longer that childe
the gardens pacify me
trees and flowers gently excite my wonder
i gaze with a painterly eye
endless shades of green to master
just like endless shades of meaning to glean
and eve runs around and drinks fizzy drinks until she just explodes
she has to lie down in a cool room to recover
aurora keeps going hard
and the baby is all hot sweaty n mostly exasperated
the inevitable sausages n prawns come out
i need to steer clear of that noxious smoke
this here is the real poison
they all dig in
no one will listen to me
i sadly see children devouring bacon n sausages
what a shame
everyone drinking beer
hey its a party isnt it ?
i like to see em all enjoying em selves now
i suppose thats progress
it makes me happy
to see em all happy
and i would love to lose myself
in any happy crowd
no it was really lovely
the country air
the warm evening
all the people
my mother hitting eighty
she never molly coddled me much
i used to wish she had
now i’m glad she didnt….it was good for me
and i see that through distance
i was able to get closer to things
and a load of other boring old paradoxes
that come with being some sort of human being
i suppose