tonite
finally
i will be cool
in my zigger jacket…..
the phone rings
a bus blasts its horn
a plane begins its descent for landing
kilbey stands in a queue
my passport is stamped
i walk through
carlos from curare records meets us
at the restaurant i find nothing to eat
the others eat the fish
i sit bored and i argue with kilbey
kilbey sits there yawning
he wants to sleep more than anything in the world
carlos is getting on great with the others
but kilbeys ignoring him
so i’m ignoring him
kilbey n i get up for a stroll
we’re down at the edge of some sea or lake
the sky is almost a creamy green-blue
i remember the zigger jacket n i smile
where is it now tho? someone asks
fuck, my zigger jacket….!
kilbey looks deeply troubled
where is the zigger jacket? he asks me out loud
for christ out loud ..i say…
its in the suitcase, isnt it?
i didnt put it in there , did i ? kilbey wonders
you must have, man….cos i didn’t
we stand at the edge of the sea
no sand only rocks ….i say
yeah..says kilbey hardly hearing me
lets check the case kilbey suddenly says
s’back at the hotel….
gotta go there now then
kilbey goes in n tries to disturb the others lunch
theyre drinking beer n eating prawns or something
all having a good laugh with stupid carlos
who thinks he’s pretty funny
kilbey says we wanna go back to the hotel
the others ignore him
c’mon….! i say
they go on drinking n eating the dizgusting crustacean bits
kilbey n i take matters into our own hands
which fuckin’ hotel is it? kilbey asks me
i take out my key
mercury gardens hotel the city
we bump along in some old cab
the drivers strikes up a conversation with us
kilbey asks all his usual questions
whats the population of this city
where did the driver learn to talk such good english?
(kilbey n i exchange a wink in the mirror)
he asks about the war
the guy goes into a long complicated n passionate answer
i see kilbey gets put off n doesnt listen to a word
the guy can see hes not listening
so he starts talking to me
yeah yeah mister….thats too bad..
aw fuck i cant understand a thing he’s saying
but he’s sure upset with some general or somebody…
eventually we get to the mercury gardens
kilbey jumps out n strolls away
leaving me to pay
theres some argy bargy with the tip
i tell the guy to fuck off
the car drives off with a screeching of tyres
i gave him a tip i say to kilbey
kilbey says how much didya give the bastard?
i hold up a note
i gave ‘im 5 of these
great says kilbey …you gave him a ten cent tip!
fuck ‘im if ‘e cant take a joke ..we roar in unison
in side the hotel the people dont like us
kilbey looks like a real scruff in his get up
and his great big bag full of cassettes
at least i had a shave this morning
kilbeys got reddish hair n a black shadow
his face is pale his nose is pink his eyes are blank
gimme the key he says to me
i aint got the key! i say
didnt you check in already ?he says incredulously
there is a vague n imperious side of kilbey i hate
we all do
he wanders around wishing out loud
like some kinda fool prince on a picnic
i aint got the key.. i say one last time
go to the desk then ..he says
you go to the fucking desk ! i say
kilbey shrugs n goes to the desk
i almost feel sorry for him sometimes
he hates doing anything…ANYTHING…
for example in paris:
hey kilbey we just arrived in paris..wanna see the sights
kilbey: no i hate sights
wanna get some food?
no i hate the food here, i’m gonna eat a sandwich
that i bought in luxembourg…
hey kilbey wanna watch tv..?
kilbey: no i hate tv
the soccers on…
kilbey : i hate the soccers on..
jesus what a wet blanket
kilbey checking in is a piece of work
hes mumbling n keeps checking all his pockets
all he finds are crumpled bits of paper
some of which he unfolds n reads
before sticking em back in his pocket
do you know where me passport is? he snarls
bangas still got it from the flight i say
kilbey says fuck!
he goes into some schpiel about something
n finally they let him have the roomkey
on his nsw drivers license
it takes us a while to figure out how to use the key
kilbey gets blustery n tries to force it in
look ….like this… i say
the door opens
its a nice room
the suitcase has already been delivered
the zigger jacket ! he says
i take the cassette player out n stick in some david neil
” someday honey , i’m gonna find my way home…”
kilbey looks perplexed
what is it? i ask
d’ya remember the combination? he says
the case has a combination lock
the silly sods forgotten the combo
we sit there trying all the obvious combos
666
069
013
007
etc
finally kilbey spins all the dials
suddenly the case pops open
it explodes in socks n shirts n underpants n books n cassettes
where is it?
where is it?
the fuckin’ zigger jacket…where is it?
kilbey just sits there shocked
i rummage thru the case again n again
kilbey gets on the phone
he insults the airline n its baggage handlers
he insults the country
he insults the hotel n the staff
he rings up banga n insults him
he finally slams down the phone
n he starts insulting me
you know how much i love that jacket ..he says
why didnt ya look after it a bit better ? i say
this incenses him
he hurls the hotel dossier book thingy at me
it explodes midair in envelopes menus n postcards
he goes into the bathroom slamming the door
a second later he appears sheepishly
its ok now he says
what?
its ok..he says …i found this…..!
hes holding the zigger jacket in his hands
oh god
despite all the carry on
i’m awfully pleased to see it
wow
a work of true sartorial elegance
can i wear it a little? i ask him
sure …he says , his face softening a little
i put it on n walk around the room
looks good on doesnt it? he says
yeah…it really does…
wow….
whoever wears this will be a true rock star
and then the unthinkable happens
we order up some food
and i get guacamole all over the zigger jacket
kilbey is angry he cant speak
then its a flurry of calls
kilbeys moaning n carrying on
banga comes round eventually
you n yer fuckin’ zigger jacket…he says
they have a brief argument
culminating in kilbey asking banga
“what could be more important to YOU than MY needs?”
banga snorts with derision
“mate” he says “get fucken serious!”
he slopes off with the jacket
that night at the gig
things are at an all time low
the jacket has supposed to have turned up
but it hasnt
kilbey n i bicker with each other over “responsibility”
banga tells kilbey to be patient for the hundredth time
n the others couldnt give a damn
finally
just as the strains of the intro tape are dying away
(deodatos the ride of the valkyries)
some little foreign lackey from curare records
comes runnin in the gig
holding the zigger jacket all wrapped up in drycleaning plastic
are you fucken happy now? banga roars
n everyone laughs
kilbey smirks n unwraps our jacket
n then his smirk turns to a nasty frown
as he tries it on
as he tries to try it on
its shrunken to a small girls size
everyone tries to stifle a huge inevitable laugh
as he casts the shrunken garment to the floor in a cold rage
the guy from curare makes himself scarce
the gig was a stinker
we never got asked back
dont ever mention that fuckin’ jacket to me again
or kilbey
just DONT mention it!