life
isnt it strange…..
i spend the day walking in the botanic gardens
then hanging round at riverstage
which is a big outdoor gig within the gardens
all day long i been plagued by a vague panic
like the universe is stepping up the ante
i sit and chat briefly to some performers
but i dont have much to say….”er…i’m jetlagged..”
of course i should be schmoozing n boozing
and getting my name around
but i’m like an energiless gormless blob
my conversations go nowhere
it begins to get cold and i brought nothing warm
i sit there freezing and tired and quite frankly bored
i wish it would be my turn soon
but i wait n wait n wait till its quite dark
i walk on
keep my eyes closed
go thru my rehearsal of images of london
mix up the words in the first verse
quite a wooden version
it doesnt matter
its just an early run through
i walk back home about 20 minutes
and turn the ac up to full heat
and struggle to stay awake
be back at nine they say
i wake up at quarter to nine
feeling like the mother of all jet lag just gave me a TKO
when the phone rings
its cath from production
you can stay there…no need to come back…
wow…a reprieve….
i go straight to bed
where the strangest n most horrible dreams
gnag n gnaw at my brain
even in rest
i get pulled over the coals
on some dreamed up distorted riverstage
my sleeping outta control confused mind has invented
where everything is wrong
where everything is chaos
and in my dream i struggle n i struggle n i struggle
i am old and invisible and hopeless and wanting
wanting something so bad
crying n weeping n sobbing in the dream
so stupid
i do not realise i am trapped between the pains of a dream
do not know i am asleep on the 31st floor in a soft bed
in some generic apartment
in amongst thousands of other generic apartments
all around the lights flash n glitter
the windows reflecting the night
while in my dream
i go to town on myself
amplifying the days tepidity
into a morbid stumble thru a catalogue of fears
the people in my dream avoid me
or gaze on me with impatient pity
while i thrash around in my own bad karma
and fry in negligence
and still i wonder even in the dream
what is causing all this?
so i decide to get up
i’m an old rocker with jet lag n bad dreams…get over it!
suddenly the glamour seems awfully thin
and i wonder what i’m doing here
here in this twenty first century…
the twenty first century since what….?
here on this computer
i take for granted
an aluminium one stop shot for all your needs
it can take your picture
it can play chess with you
its got pictures of naked ladies if you want em
its got the temperature and the time
its got endless advertisements and messages
its got all the info on everything that ever was
and yesterday
i see a hundred computers all like mine
the same exact model
all doing their gigs backstage all joined up
all lined up
hey we didnt have this when i was a kid
we didnt have this when i was thirty three n a third
am i any happier……? no!
just more stuff to take you down into its web
is that what you want?
but now we got it…it can never go away….
so in the very act of bitching about it…i’m using it…
my feet are cold again….
my future will be coldness
feeling raw and cold
thats where i’m heading
if you think this blog is too much
try to think of it as you would sartres nausea
i merely observe my self
going up n down
one minute puffed up with his own importance
the next
deflated and anxious, grasping at strawberries
this is the stuff the others cant give you
and really you might not even want it
i have made up my mind
when i am re-stabilized
to write about nothing but music
for the month of september
when i hit 55 wailing n gnashing my tooth
fripp n eno play on in the darkness
this darkest hour before the dawn
i guess yoga is my only option
tho even it fills me with no enthusiasm
some shadow has laid me low
and i just gotta wait……