over in newtown working on starlings record
its a cold overcast day
feeling sad n strange like starlings music
melancholia
what is life?
went to see wendy the white witch
she said i fucked up my last life with anger
she said i was a big shot
she saw me in a tunic (?)
she said i got angry n took the left hand path
she said i walked away from my responsibilities
and went to the left
i said is this actuality or what
she said
maybe thats just the way her crazy old brain interprets it
she said my job in this life is to deal with anger
i am fucking angry
a lotta stuff makes me angry
i was so angry the other night i was vibrating
literally beside myself
i parked in a no parking zone gotta fucking ‘nother ticket
i went into my gnostic lecture
it was about..you guessed it…anger….
for the 1st half i was too angry to listen bout anger
eventually the message seeped in n i was somewhat calmed
you gotta be aware not feed the anger
watch it observe it dont feed it
ok easier said than done i gotta master myself
ok
yeah easier said than done
maybe harder to overcome than the gear
i just want things my way
i want to control people n events i guess
i would at least like my home to be the way i want
it isnt at the moment
im too busy to sort it out properly
n i get upset with it all
aurora mcbunny is steadily improving
scarlet the woofle aka mouse is still naughty
eve k aka the starr is still warm n lovely
im a lucky old geezer i guess
aint heard from my big daughters for a while…
it maketh me sad
the distance physically n emotionally between us
newtown is goth central
in a house full of muso types smokin’ n takin’ drugs but i resist
i just want to be freaking happy for once
doesnt everyone?
but i should aim more to be content
content with whatever comes
wendy says its a test
wendy says my destiny/fate is to do service
what service is that i say?
writing songs?
she says well i can heal but i cant write songs…
somehow i want some herculean task to perform
maybe “just” writing songs is service
maybe if my songs can heal (as people often tell me)
wow what a mystery life is
almost 56 n things are not really any clearer
i do my laps in the coldest water so far in 2010 (15.7)
jump out feeling renewed
but i still go home argumentative n bitter
maybe one day when its all over n put to bed
i can write about it all
but at the moment i cant
except to say things arent the way i want them or ever foresaw them
i know a lotta people got it worse than me
a lot lot worse
but i feel everything intensely
occasionally some smartarse says try having a real job!
remember i struggled hard to get to wherever i am
i taught myself everything
you didnt see me humping amps n p.a.s in out
up n down stairs on cold nights for years
the gigs when no one clapped or even came
borrowing money from banks to buy equipment
all the driving n arguing n setbacks
its not working down a mine
but its not all dancing on clouds believe me
it still isnt
sometimes i wish i was some bloke working 9 to 5
watching telly drinking beer n no existential angst
we all got our cross to bear
and our bear to cross
etc
i always appreciate the support n advice of my readers
i always appreciate the love of my friends
rock on kids
rock on
sk
ps 4 more days to new timebeing site
blog will continue there (dont mourn this one!)
new additions all the time
marten jansson karins bro n twilly uncle
just sent me a fixed up demo karin n i wrote in 86
called pink island moon
i had completely forgotten about it
things like this will be becoming available
everything eventually will be available there
good on ya j coal!
good on ya everyone else