deities for dummies

 

 

Greek Pantheon

*Zeus the big boss

god of thunder and dalliances with mortal women in disguise

like a lotta powerful alpha male types Zeus is often henpecked by his jealous wife

and is pulled around by his daughter

hes kinda analogous to the christian god Jehovah

he gets really upset about stuff he shoulda seen coming

given his omnipotence and all

hes kinda middle-aged but hes still totally the kingpin

but gets angry and confused by all the idiots he has to work with

hes a bit proud and does not like to be slighted

*his missus is of course Hera who is goddess of marriage among other things

which must be frustrating as Zeus is chasing a lot of crumpet around

she’s a nasty vengeful type if you happen to fuck her over or slight her in some way

she’s not afraid to pester her husband about stuff sometimes nepotistic stuff at that too

she got the memory of an elephant and will never forget a grudge

and she got the connections to bring any enemy down good

*Poseidon is another angry bastard

god of the sea and of horses

I think basically he wants Zeus’ gig and is fed up with the sea

another vengeful type hes got lots of nasty ways of killing people up his sleeve

and sometimes he likes to just mess about with your head

when he could just kill ya pow!

hes middle-aged too and and got some wild sons like the cyclops

he can change his mind pretty easily too

sometimes it seems he wants everyone to lose…

*hades

god of the underworld and the dead

an old miserable rich devil

he fucking hates his job but  hes comfortably numb

don’t ask him for a favour

everything has a string attached with this guy

he kidnapped a young starlet goddess called Persephone

but he lets her visit her mother whom is the Earth itself  Demeter

who later started a healthy brand of bread

Hades is his name and Hades is his neighbourhood

he doesn’t say much

* Apollo wow forever a golden youth

god of archery and medicine and music

doesn’t mind  raining his arrows down on the clowns who offend him

if you desecrate his temple or mess with his priestesses

man you gonna feel a plague-tipped bolt right in your backside  as you flee screaming

running from the far sighted archer

still… having invented music and medicine hes allowed the odd angry massacre you would think

his twin sister is

*Artemis

she’s a virgin and she likes hunting animals

she pretty much keeps her head down

and would rather take down a stag with her bow than get involved with all the bull that goes on up at Mt Olympus

where most of the other gods hang out or talk about what the mortals are doing these days

*Aphrodite of course everyone knows she’s the goddess of love love love

she’s a fucking honey and you know it

come on there is no woman like Aphrodite and she is sexy as all hell

she’s a bit of a dumb blonde tho and easily led astray as well as leading others astray

she’s good to have on your side if you wanna date the most beautiful women in the ancient world

( oh man can you imagine them..?)

but not much chop in a battle and not much good at coming up with ideas

her boyfriend is

Ares god of war

a bit of a cowardly custard he causes wars but doesn’t dig fighting much himself

hes a cold hearted SOB but he knows a cracker when he sees one whom is his squeeze Aphrodite

*Hermes

hes the messenger and he is one fucking mercurial cat

he darts through space and time with his winged sandals

which are probably aerodynamically impossible

he is pretty random too

he likes magicians and travellers

hes a bit of joker and is always a grinning beautiful teenager

auspicious if ya got him on yer side

*Athena

goddess of wisdom and stuff like that

although she’s always working her own agenda with her little favourites

and using logic to befuddle her daddy Zeus who can never say no to her

just like all fathers with their daughters…

she sprang right out of his head one day

she is literally a chip off the old block

she’s pretty clever and rational mostly

she thinks Aphrodite is a bimbo and a joke

but Athena is a bit judgemental like that

if she was a politician she’d be a conservative

 

Norse Pantheon:the Aesir

Odin was the Scandi equivalent of Zeus

but there the comparison ends

Odin does not chase women or fuck about with humans much

hes kinda middle aged tho verging on old but still as powerful as all get out

but hes kinda weary too and fatalistic

he gave one of his eyes for wisdom

and hes a sober grim wise heavy old geezer like Gandalf the Grey or something

hes the all-father and unlike Zeus he has a few nemeses

the frost giants Fenris the wolf the Midgard serpent etc

he knows they’re all gonna wipe each other out at Ragnarok

where everyone will die… good and bad alike

Thor is Odins son and hes a wild brawling old fashioned hero

he didn’t get Odins intelligence but hes a really strong and tough character

he doesn’t have too much to do with humans and not much point in worshipping these guys

in fact they don’t really care if you worship em or not

Thor goes around fighting with the giants and other crazy zany adventures

hes nothing like the guy they got in the current movies

nor is Loki

who is not god of anything but is a total tricky bugger

a bit of a situationist

hes the spanner in the works

and he loves to fuck things up a true Discordian

he loves to take things too far

but he pisses off Thor and does some really evil stuff eventually

which ends up with him suffering an everlasting punishment

with no parole in sight

that im afraid is the extent of it for the Aesir

because all the rest are pretty lifeless and boring

and all the real action is around the good the bad and the ugly

ie O, T and L

Hindu Pantheon

*Vishnu is the main man of the Hindu gods

he expands himself into all the other gods

and he experiences himself and the world as avatars

An avatar is not your picture on social media

an avatar is an extension or incarnation of Vishnu

Like Krishna or Rama

these avatars usually don’t know that they are Vishnu

they appear as half human demi gods to relish material and spiritual existence

they have wives and lots of wives if they want

they do heroic deeds and fight crime and irreligion and nescience

they are handsome rich strong charismatic youthful rockstar gods

like Indian Apollos or Hercules

Krishna in some way is christlike

with a manifesto and with a lotta good advice or as one would say life hacks

he can do whatever he likes hey hes the godhead

unlike the Norse gods the Hindu gods have no real enemies

except the demons who don’t ever stand a chance of mutiny

*Shiva hes the destroyer to Vishnus preserver

but him and Vishnu arent fighting about it

Shiva steps in to wind things up when the fat lady sings at the end of all time

before it call gets rolled out again

Vishnu has created Maya which is illusion

and everyones tangled up in it

Shiva has a son

Ganesha the elephant god

hes a wise jolly reasonable god and quite approachable

he sure likes sweetened milk drinks which explains his weight

he will remove obstacles too so worship him if ya got any

*Kali is one scary mother

good if she’s on yer side but quite a psycho if she’s lost it

she’s got a necklace of skulls and decapitated heads and she’s dancing around

steer clear of her if yer fainthearted

you’re after Aphrodite not her…

 

Judaeo Christian Pantheon

*Jahweh/Jehovah

by Jove hes a cranky pants god

hes a bit like Poseidon

a nasty customer to tangle with

and very sensitive to criticism

and kinda fickle

he has his favourites and he likes to play around with his human beings

testing em and that kinda thing

(I mean why would you bother..?)

he loses his temper with his creations and nukes cities and drowns worlds

he sends wild bears to tear up rude youths

and lets his fave people run riot in the biblical times

it always seems to go wrong

unlike Zeus and Vishnu but like Odin

Jehovah has an adversary called Lucifer

good loving’ gone bad Lucifer has recruited half the angels

and they got kicked outta heaven

and now they wanna collect human souls

so Jehovah wants human souls and so does Lucifer

but just why that is ive never really figured out

In the end Jehovah will presumably crush Lucifer

but why doesn’t he do us all a favour and just do it now

sometimes they even hang out together to discuss how the game is going

and Lucifer can even goad J. into doing cruel and unusual things to his fave guys

*Jesus Christ is very much like an avatar of Jehovah

in as much as he comes to earth to experience human life and teach the locals

and like Krishna he is not sure exactly who he is

but unlike Krishna who is like a smaller version of Vishnu

Jesus is a much nicer cat than his father

hes a pretty reasonable cooled out man with a new approach

in fact much of what he says is the opposite of what J has said

and he very much was urging to give peace a chance

he only lost his temper a few times and there was not a lot of damage done either

hes got a good way of explaining things

and the way he says stuff goes down well the the ordinary folks

it makes sense

*hes a bit like Buddha

Only Buddha isn’t a god hes just an enlightened guy

who’s jumped off the wheel of endless karma

he goes into nirvana in the end

I dunno what thats like but I wouldn’t mind finding out

the end