posted on December 6, 2007 at 2:43 am

its a straynge thing to write a blog, childe
i sit here now ready to tell you about my day at earquacks
suddenly it occurs to me
why would they care?
why does anyone on this earth care about my eustachian tubes
and it seems to be a tremendous honour
and no
i dont think youre toadies or syncho-fants
i am genuinely touched by the goodwill directed at me
it helps
believe me
you are my e-solace
last night ricki miami comes over
minna comes over
we have vegan spring rolls with pee-nut source
we have delicious fresh salad
with avocado slices
baby tomatoes (isnt that cruel?)
spinach and lettuce leaves
everybody talking
but i cant hear a word
how frightening being deaf will/could be…
my right ear with no infection is pretty gone
i just sat there
like they were all speaking a foreign lang
laughing at the right spots
aurora does one of her long monologues
in her jimmy stewart accent
and everyone at the table laughs and yells with delight
i didnt catch a word
oh dear
went to see earquack specialist today
you know
one of those guys with an office with a great view
and a team of receptionists tapping dutifully at their screens
he looks in my ear and sighs
when are you going on tour he says doubtfully
first gig next tuesday doc says i
hope yer not flying anytime soon says earquack
well steven
you have an outer and middle ear infection
you also have tiny bones growing in your ears
as a result of swimming in cold water without plugs
(which of course i now use)
at this juncture earquack
produces the latest type of swimmers earplugs
these molded jobbies
where can i getta setta them i ask earquack
ah ha he says
well i just happen to carry them
because i dont want my patience driving all over town
(that was a little pun there)
he sucks out my ear with a thingy
he puts something else in that really really fucking hurt
i ‘m jumping away from him and hes restraining me
this is almost the last one
i keep trying to brace against the pain
but like a dent-ist probing that inflaymed nerve
when he hits the spot
you just lose it
it bypasses all yer mechanisms
and this white light of pure pain
connects your ear to a whole universe of agony
anyway he chucks some hydrogen peroxide in
and i sit for a while
my head tilted
while my ears fizz crackled schnapped but never popped
it seemed like at any moment
the inside would reach the outside
and i would hear again but it never eventuated
meanwhile im looking at this very nice diagramme of the hu-man ear
i’m so sorry my dear atheist friends
when one sees this incredible delicate device
this machine of flesh and blood and fluids and hairs
of chambers and drums and skins
which enables us to translate auditory stimuli
into all the wonderful and terrible sounds of our world
so we can tell a cello from a viola
so we can listen to the birds and the babbling bloody brooks
how complex?
how did this come about?
by accident?
by trial and error?
i’m sorry
when i see the way the little hairs oscillate
how the fluids transmit sonic impulse
all the little bits and pieces interconnected
machines designed to last for a lifetime of constant use
the designer is a genius
no this sort of thing does not just come about of its own accord
to see how your ears (are supposed) to work is
a humbling and reaffirming experience
i say to god in my heart
you are real you do truly exist
and i feel him shrug and say
of course do you like that ear design?
i have no answers my little pigs
i cant tell you who to believe in
but how could any logical sane person
look at this thing
and not perceive the ingenius love
that our creator has imbued in this one little part of creation?
these ears are wonderful contraptions…..
then i have a hearing test
which consists of having little tones played
(sounds like enos discreet music)
everytime i hear one i press the button
then they do a kind of sonic sonar on my lugholes
the earquack surveys the results sadly
its hard to believe just music has done this to your hearing
he said
and then
what dinner last night had confirmed
the hearing in the right ear is almost as bad as the infected left
any cures for tinnitus i ask
stay away from loud noise forever he said
come back on monday he said
im gonna drain the middle ear when the outer one clears up
what will that be like i asks
ahhhh he shakes his head and looks at me guiltily
i can rehearse he said
i dont know how that will go or even if possible
i feel like a cymbal or a stray guitar squall could sink my ears forever
your hearing is far too important to compromise says earquack
so looking forward to monday
the drain age
oh christ my ear is hurting now like someones in there stabbing me
with a barbed electric harpoon
i knock down 3 neurofen plus
3? says nk
yes 3
i always need more than anybody else
thats my nature
i need more
and i build up tolerances quickly
the quack takes my bloodpressure etc
perfect he says
youre still a young man he says
young at fifty three
what good will it do if i am going deaf
and the damage is done children
i mean the band hardly ever plays these days
i must never listen to my pod on headphones again
especially those intrusive ones
is this the end of my ears?
stay tuned
same kil-time
same bee-channel
the time being fades down into sea of earpain and static

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