saw this film called alexander starring colin farrell

ok

to me

and after all what would i know

i see alexander as this mercurial charismatic complicated cat

hes fucking handsome but hes weird

someone unusual someone you wouldnt meet everyday

hes a intuitive genius but hes also seduced by babylonian decadence

hes been taught  by aristotle one of the worlds finest minds

he is familiar with esoteric and arcane magic rituals

he is never unnecessarily brutal

he is courteous to his enemies if they play ball with him

he is an enigma

we can see what he did but we dont really know much about him

but whatever he was

he was something out of the ordinary

ok

now we have the actor playing alex

this man with his blond mullet

is the very opposite of everything i wrote up there

more like a footy hooligan or a member of deaf leopard

a total ham fisted ballsup

the music is atrocious

in indian rainforests when it all had gone bad

the fucking music if there had to be music

should represent that

the dislocation the madness the ruins of ecstasy

but we hear the same old star wars-y stuff

the 1850s english charge trumpets etc you know the one like in avatar

the things the people say are awkward

no one has the slightest conviction

a bunch of big name actors dressed up silly on  some location

the ancient world was not apprehended

alexanders mystique never approached

the sheer alien zeitgeist

the way it all went to his head

man this was a story to be told

but this is like a western with blokes in togas n eyeliner

they say old alex the g may have been gay

i guess he may have had some strange female -like allure

sorry colin  could never be gay

hes as butch as a meat pie

in the silly men kissing men scenes its embarrassing

mrs pitt is there as his naughty pushy mummy

funnily enough shes the only one talking in a greek accent

well it sounded more russian

but the sentiment was there

the others all speak with irish accents …oh come on!

might as well have made em all fucking aussies then

it just ruins the effect at least colins does

when he meets his conquered foes daughter a princess

i half expected him to say top o the morning to ya!

theres a cool looking guy who ends up on the end of colins spear

he looks like he should be in nine inch nails or something

so

all that money

all that history

all that magic

all that tragedy

all that destruction

all that decadence

and still

they couldnt get an even halfway decent film outta it

they shoulda asked me

seriously

it would have been a zillion times better at least

rating : an ancient turkey