la de da
scribble scribble
blah blah blah
i feel emptiness in my stomach verging on nausea
my limbs are lithe n loose
not what youd expect being 54
54 …can you imagine when you’ll be that old again..?!
54 x 365 = 19700 days
and to think of all that impatience
most of my life lived with some needless nameless anxiety
i never noticed the clouds
i never noticed the flowers
i never noticed time fading away
oh god sometimes i bore myself
all the good stuff in here i aint explored
but i gotta get thru the waffle first
my mind is a garden
i’m trying to climb over the hedge
i’m trying to get into my own mind
which only proves what many wise men tell us
YOU ARE NOT YOUR MIND
you think you are
and your mind really thinks it IS you…but it aint
otherwise how could i be out here
trying to get into my strange mind
where all the poems n songs n paintings are
until i realise them
they are potential somewhere in my million square mile mind
inside my head is as big as the sky
sometimes it tightens up
my universe rapidly shrinks
until theres no room for me in my mind
my mind has collapsed like a flaming gas balloon
and its plunging with me wrapped up in it
fuck its hard being a renaissance man tho
when there is no renaissance on at the moment
far from it…its the anti-renaissance
the age of the imbecile
my father was a renaissance man too
except i could never ever play the piano like him
and he didnt do poetry
poetry? he’d say and shake his head
lay some boogie-woogie on me son!
my dad deliberately pronounced the “g”s soft
boojie-woojie he’d say
something seemed to make my dad hold his talent in tho
he had no ambitions to exhibit or perform for an audience
tho he was a real crowdpleaser at a knees up or birfday bash
people are still talking bout kilbey as my mums brothers called him
uncle stan telling my wife how i got it all from kilbey
people will never say kilbey as affectionately again
as when the old timers say it and sigh
remembering that geezer who made everybody laugh
and then jumped on a piano
and had em singing along
now kilbey has on a slightly accusative feel
why kilbey why? asked one of my old workmates
eventually he made a sticker for me
why kilbey why?
he stuck it on my back without me knowing
and i musta walked around with that on fer hours
people indeed asking themselves silently
why kilbey why?
in the mouths of bullies i hated kilbey
because of the kil bit
when obviously they were gonna kill me
fuckin’ kil-bey a bully would sneer
as he slapped me round the chops
wots wrong wif ya kil-bey…?
lucky in those days
the bullies punched you on the arm
not the face
so you got nasty bruises
but my lovely little nose stayed intact
ive seen a lot of people with big noses fretting about them
my dads nose was bigger than mine
n i know he wanted a smaller one
so i’m glad my nose isnt too big
thank christ..one less phobia to carry round
at least my nose is normal
unlike my mind
which
as i said is either too big or too small
its either a thousand miles to the next inkling
or its a crush of skull n blood n brains
but my mind aint my brains
and i aint my mind
but i am you tho
tho it is hard to believe
today aurora kilbey goes in early for her flute lesson
i’m working on natalie in lemuria
on my new big paper n my new big easel
standing up!
and paint n pastel begin to obey my will
and my lines are smooth n authentic
i’m having a lot of fun painting my wifes face
although i got it slightly wrong
now some wildeyed blonde stares back from the black paper
and i gotta put the jungle round her
what will you put in the border nk asks me
uh…skulls n hearts …i say
yeah thats good she says
ok easy
skulls, flaming skulls, eyes
thats the sort of thing i like in my borders
sort of setting the scene
like all the paintings backstage at the house of blues
its all guitars n skulls n flames n dice n virgin marys
n crucifixes n skellingtons n diablos n demons
n elvis n cars n mexico n robert johnsons
thats where my paintings should be
im trying to drum up a little voodoo here in nth bondi
tho i’m just a naive white man from canberra act
i like to visit the jungle via my paintings
n leave out all the mozzies n dangerous beasties
leave out all the blow pipes n mal-aria
so theres natalie staring back from black
her features which i know so well are delicate
and a tiny bit one way or the other can make it all wrong
i paint away n listen to music
i think surely someone will buy this painting
and i know in my heart of hearts that they will
the weather is mild n the days just melt away
and are gone
i will try to hang onto today for all i’m worth
and what i’m worth would vary from person to person
some would say very little
a very few might say a fortune
most would say who?
so i go on typing
surely i’m bound to be discovered soon….!!??