posted on June 25, 2008 at 9:01 pm

i was born in a black lake
i had 3 heads and i smoked crushed skull
i flibbered like a gibbett and i howled like a snake
i said a wop bop a be lulu bang bang bong
i said yeah my people
i looked out over creation and i knew it loved me
i strapped on a fendar bass as big as ancient grease
and i played the fuckin’ jerky turkey
i shimmied like a silver moondawg with fiery fangs
i talked to lucifer over my back fence as i hung out my washing lady
i did a residency at the vanilla inferno opening for the coroners
i was a vulture volted vampire with gnostic nuts and bolts
my records were played in the earth
i walked into a 224 track studio abbey-ladyland rd
new london somewhere out there still
i said give me some friggin’ reverb
i said let the dealers and ladies approacheth
i said slap down this riff if ya know whats good for ya
i said detune my mandolins doubles
i said append that 3 bars of bassoon
i said bring up that kick so it makes me sick
i said make it thud dud gimme primal mud
i whipped out my trusty axe and i cut some tracks
i chopped up guitars with nick hard
i wheeled around and slammed down mute palm ostinato
you are the master they whisped in awe
as i sang like a night in gale
i sang like god would sing if he had buckleys voice
i sang half beast like a whale in the deeps like a worm
i listen hard and i loiked what i heard
i pulled out a rare vintage keyboard worth millions
robert fripp gave it to me when i suggested the name king maroon
no jimmy bowie gave it to me in texas as a going away present
actually it was a prototype stu sutcliffe had played on doctor who
i tell a lie
brian jones lent it to me when i babysat his ocelots
rest assured my keyboard was the vintagest rarest grooviest
talk about analog
i programmed it via an octal map it responded to snobol
i impinged a personality printout on its memory cards
while manipulating its intake nipples via midi ha ha
i double tracked each flurry of eastern female voices
assigning semi quavers their own reverse delays
these i fed into my onion box which serrated every 16 th bar
are you following me, knucklehead?
i then channeled the reverberating spill into a guitar mike
i sent mike out into the room
i played peters strat with a hair dryer and the songs ends split
i choo chooed the flim flam jettisoning the flotsam
i kept the jetsam for a b side knowing it would come in handy
i milked the descending hammond all shrouded in soft phase
i regulated the pulse of the caramel cello to 65 bpm
it was splanging with the timps but fuck it..nobodies perfect
i linked up 3 different mastercharges with coaxial cables
i got the harp to sound submarine
i tinkered with its tinkles until they were verily submerged
at the same time as i was doing all this
i also ran a marketstall and worked in a govt office job, smartarse
but you know what?
your wife* still fancies me more than you
and my worst song is a million years ahead of your best
so subscribe me 50 bucks for your lame insults
subscribe me fifty more
then get down on your knees in awe of my genie ,us
i humbled a steinaway with my twinklin’ digits
i rhapsodised its innards with my wire vibratin’ antics
i invented rock n roll right there
i invented jazz and i rewrote eine grosse nacht ficken musik
i dreampt up the blues and country n eastern n northern lights too
i turned elvis onto peanut butter n banana sandwich islands
i introduced mick n keef in a gents toilet in burnt oak
i jammed with old strauss before he went partners with levi
i noodled with old bach who said
ach time being i cannot keep up wiz you!!
i am the king of music
i am the saviour of life on this planet
i created all art and everything
i know everyone youve ever heard of
in fact i was leonardo da capri-vincis mentor
jesus christs dad did my extensions
when i lived in 5 shekel ave bethlehem lakes
adam n eve used to come over my place after naming the animals
i paid my dues
im authentic…got it?
i go all the way back and then some
thats for sure…now are you sure
now you seen my credentials (mr humphries)
let me finish my tale (oooohhh!)
my masterpiece was completed
with this one 2 minute 45 pop song
i had invented simply EVERYTHING GOOD
what will you call it sire
said george martin as he and the other engineeers grovelled
amongst the ruined equipment and smoking instruments
the name came to me in a flash
a bolt of pure inspyration from beyond

*if you got one

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