bib pectin here (obviously you idiots!)

i was doing a corporate gig for the laboral party the other night

when approached by two of the top geezas

vis a vis my availability to run for the seat of Chiselling in sydneys western beaches

i was not surprised at their approaches actually

because any nong can be PM these days

its not like the old days when they had all those serious old grandad types as PMs

man thats not gonna getcha any fricking votes

down the local primary school on polling day izzit?

i reckon just about any old body could get that gig these days

and thats where i come in

except for some arrests for drugs violence and fraud

well i’m pretty fuckin’ clean

i paid my debt to society

working off parking fines being a standby lifesaver at sydneys most glamourous beach

stuff like that

mentoring kids with rich impressionable parents hell yes i have

for a modest fee plus gee ess tee (enquire pectin@mentor.org)

i play golf with jim olgivie-crumm the minister for miscellaneous things

you know

he often has remarked

“bib you should deffo check out canberra as a fulltime gig

you know how much these dicknosed twits get paid?

they are so average and totally fucking hopeless bib…

man youd fit right in!”

i stared at the minister with his great tan R M Williams jeans

“but what can i do in canberra ?” i dared to ask

and then…

well then he made me see it

the fucking lurks the beautiful perks

the pensions baby the staff the cars the PDs

the lodges the apartments the appointments ….

“yes i want in!” i told him

of course..!

“you mean these cats goin’ getting paid forever

even when the gig is over and finished?”

“thats right. till the end of our lives baby!”

“but who fucking allowed that?” i barked in my usual astonishment

“ha ha” says the minister “ha ha ha ha ha ”

 

so anyway

i want to say this

all that stuff about me in stripclubs n escort agencies

i tell you that is the oppositions fabrication i promise you

maybe it was my evil twin dub pectin who occasionally turns up

wreaks havoc and then slips back into the shadows ie ( ie adelaide)

maybe he has been hired by the greens reds and white shoe brigade coalition…

probably it was him who nobbled that horse

in that race i got all that investment back from….

and he ran a speed lab n lube shop up in qld…not me!

my charity work has kept me off the streets!

my own pectin foundation sending valuable assets offshore to tax havens

(for everybodys sake)

my work with the developers is amazing

we’ve had all those “picturesque ” cottages knocked down

and had some lovely concrete edifices chucked up down by the seaside

no more beach sunburn its permanently in the shade now

so please dont call me un-civic minded

after a bit of consideration i have decided to close down a few hospitals

a few old peoples homes and a few kindergartens

quite frankly they dont generate much income and are kinda depressing

i am going to bulldoze a library over in Chiselling (the new seat, remember)

to build my new offices and a projected mobile phone museum

my offices will be modest and yet sumptuous

no expense will be spared although i hope to bring it in under budget

you do not want your elected representative in some shoddy workplace!

i will be hiring some attractive women to “man” the desks

nothings worse than a tiresome bint of a secretary looking boring

also looking for a chauffeur to drive me jam-jar

(a good working knowledge of kings cross and st kilda a definite advantage!)

also looking for attractive travel companions

i am undertaking research in the bahamas and in switzerland

(on behalf of my electorate)

as for sorting out yer legislation

ive passed over a few bills i can tell you

to all kinds of people for all kinds of things

improving your infrastructure and stuff

you may not even notice how i’m out here tweaking the old parameters

another study was so successful it will never be published i expect

i have attended meetings many meetings

the ones the court ordered me to attend

and other meetings besides

how we have spied on you to protect your freedoms

how we pay ourselves exorbitantly just so we dont defect to private industry

and thanks for my campaign dosh Harvey Bishop  Whitegoods sales n service

it looks easy but it isnt easy

my name is pectin

i am your political future

i will govern you and sort you out properly

i swear on this frickin’ holy bible in spades and for sure

a vote for pectin is a vote for jesus and safeguarding our personal wealth

i will defend you i will work for you

i will make you all rich

and if any of you hurts yourself

I WILL COME OVER AND HANG OUT FOR A WHILE N KISS IT BETTER!

no matter what time

no matter what place

i beg you nay i command you

VOTE 1 Pectin B