kilbey sits in 1982
dangles his fingers in the water in a pool
the ripples move away in silver circles
he watches these little swimming beetles
diver beetles he calls them
seem to be able to survive the chlorine
they flit about like tiny turtles
he admires their speed and grace
how i love swimming pools kilbey thinks
but he notices hes changed
i love swimming pools
and i love backstage when our class does a play
and sometimes i hide under tables and look at ladies feet
some girls and women ive noticed have lovely shaped feet
at 7 years old i am a connoiseur of female feet
a fetish hanging over from my past decadent lives
perhaps
anyway
i seem to be in love with many girls at my school
i see them and im filled with strange feelings
i see the other boys dont seem to feel this way
they play with toy trucks in the dirt
but i follow that girl around
the one two years older than me
the one with the shapely feet
the one i saw at rehearsals playing an angel
in the nativity scene
oh to me she is a real angel
angel oh how i love that word
oh how i want a real angel to love me
to see the real me beneath this boysuit size 7
a lovely angel with wings like a swan
blonde like my angel at school
with nice feet even if theyre a little dusty
and beyond the tin fence which bounds our paddock
there is a wild world of sin crime and alcohol
johnny lennon n sir paul are prob’ly in hamburg
right about now
taking uppers and feeling up some chick called gertrude
johnny kennedy got not much longer
already people muttering in florida
in las vegas
in texas
camelot in smithereens
but here in dapto
im in love with too many young girls
some remind me of animals
sandra steele looks like an eagle
julie webb like a little mouse
some remind me of the daughters i will have 40 years on
by some common consensus
the girls have been ranked top 3 prettiness
wendy fuller # 1
shirley urban # 2
jill hurst, robyn brown equal # 3
the boys rank by fighting
brian jarratt # 1
garry simpson # 2
gary edwards # 3
garry simpson likes wendy fuller
but can a 2 have a 1 ?
i love shirley urban
but i dont rank at all
all the other boys fancy wendy fuller
but i like her handmaiden shirley urban
wendy walks through the playground
with her retinue of female followers
a real elegant dapto lady of 7 years in 1961
we learn some dance
in which eventually every boy n girl must dance together
at last i dance with shirley urban
and hold her warm soft damp hands
love up close is intoxicating
i wonder if she likes me….why would she?
her front teeth are missing…she looks so lovely
hair in plaits blonde like milk vanilla-y looking
the world seems so big
my father says stuff that makes people laugh
sometimes i dont understand why its so funny
he always tells me a little bedtime story
sometimes he works shirley urban into the story
i think its funny that dad knows her name
sometimes i see or hear things
that send me to a funny delicious place
it could be the sound of a mans voice explaining something
or a warm evening in a garden
or some ladys perfume
or a piece of music
two colours together
a story
a girls name
a girls face
anticipation of a holiday
oh anything
it starts to come on
that dreamy feeling
memories dreams feelings
ive only been alive 7 years
but it seems my life has gone on forever
i have impressions of other times places and events
the world is full of significance
everything means something to me
gradually this feeling will fade somewhat
my adulthood filters will narrow the band
on which i receive info about the world
i feel as if i am wrapped in a powerful ongoing mystery
i struggle in all kinds of ways
thrash about in chemicals
starving eating sleeping not sleeping
read him
read her
evolve
surely but slowly
i am no longer who i was