posted on April 10, 2009 at 9:12 pm

easter gets me all religious
my kids ask me
do you believe in jesus?
i start umming n ahing
i mean how can an intelligent man answer that one glibly
(voice from another room : or even you….)
i kinda imagine jesus with his les paul guitar
with his 30 tattoos of identity
with his black jaguar in the jungle
with his scarlet childe on his lap
with his lovely hands all damaged
with his beard shaped so right
jesus what a kind man
what a thoughtful man
people must have said back then
wow! what a lovely geezer…..
(in hebrew of course)
jesus he could pull any woman…but he never did
he had incredible cosmic powers at his fingertips
but he refrained from using them
he took the middle path like his old mate buddha
he says make it easy on your self
make it easy on yourself
he said
take it easy take it easy
dont let the sound of your own god drive you crazy..
he said im easy like a sunday morning
he said easy baby
you dont have to be so hard…
and sometimes if you got lost in the snow
jesus would be there with a barrel of brandy
but i dont understand this ransomed for our sins business…
do you?
it doesnt make any sense
maybe you did come back
maybe you didnt
i dont rule anything out
maybe you came back as someone else
but why not come back n show everybody
now that mighta had an effect
but its all so unlikely
and the bible is a dodgy document
and so are the priests who have made themselves fat n wealthy
by reinterpreting it in their own images for 2000 years
where does jesus tell us to build a vatican?
and all the other malarky carried on his name….
i reckon jesus would be a great singer….with that voice
and his lyrics would be simple n succinct
and charisma….c’mon
hes held this world in thrall for a long time
and we aint ever even seen his face
oh we know he must be handsome
like willy dafoe
or jeffrey hunter
or young max von sydow
they look out on off into the sky
taking it all on their narrow shoulders
all they ever did was help n heal n say nice things
now jesus gets crucified against a sky with racing clouds
on either side
theyve nailed the robber
theyve nailed the thief
jesus is only 33 years old
man thats way too young
i was touring with starf-ish then
but jesus is being put to death
in an incredibly cruel n barbarous manner
what did he do? whisper the onlookers
no one really seems to know
well he really put them pharisees big noses outta joint
but they talk the stupid romans into executing him
like a political prisoner
so no one is really taking the blame
the people stand by n watch it happen
voice from another century : dont we always…?
later on
much later on
some priest figured out
that christ died to redeem our souls for all our sins
but christ says nothing of this himself
nor do the gospels
this is a very troubling and extremely stupid doctrine
no one really knows how a deal like that is s’posed to work
its so fucking ludicrous
big ole Jehovah
he creates this world outta nothin’
with all its brilliant things
but the people
his crowning achievement
go wrong again n again
right from the start
they eat fruit theyre told not to
they kill each other (alright if J tells em to)
they get up to all sorts of dirty tricks
J nukes sodom n gomorrah
then he tries to drown the whole world
but for one good guy
but alas evil lives on
that ole devil
one of Js former right hand men
now gone fucking bad
and sucking off souls from the earth
god helps the israelites for a while
but they go bad too
like all of em
why cant fucking old Jehovah takes some responsibility here?
i mean if i had 5 kids
n they were all bad wouldnt someone say
some of the blame must lay with him?
no olde J goes on looking for some way out
he decides to have a son with an earth woman
(no hanky panky…naturally)
(at least the greek gods would actually “ravish” their earthly bints)
so out comes jesus
half man half god…just like hercules a long time before
with all the fucking hassles n headtrips that must bring
and jesus walks around very modestly
laying nice trips on people
hey whoa take it fucking easy my brothers
not harming a fly
a few show offy things but not many considering
he gets nabbed
banged up
and god says
now i can forgive all these other sinners
(tho we still go to hell if we’re naughty)
c’mon…is there any sense in it
Jehovah can do what he likes
why does he have to muck about with all the red tape
why not smite the romans n pharisees
like he smote sodom or jericho
or did He figure out those pre emptive strikes were un PC
i’m sorry
i love the hell outta jesus but the bible is silly
most of it is a load of olde tripe about some dudes
in the middle east killing each other n doing nasty things
(bags full of philistine foreskins anyone?)
no the israelites are not my people
what the fuck do i care about them
anymore than the persians or medes or the assyrians?
everytime they DO get the upper hand they blow it any way
and how nice that the god THEY invented
makes them HIS chosen people
gee….thats kinda predictable, isnt it
and then along
out of all this old fashioned chauvinistic racist twaddle
comes a new testament
because the old one is OLD baby
and we got jesus
be cool!
and that
is quite a revelation in a book
with bears tearing youths to pieces
and whales swallowing geezers
and talking snakes n angels with burning spears
just a cat
he says
be cool
it was revolutionary for its time
(except if you lived in india)

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