my dear fiendss
more bad news im afraid
rusty rang me last night
my dearest and sweetest relative ever
my auntie irene
died yesterday of a heart attack
my auntie irene was married to my mums youngest brother
uncle ken
they were married in 1970
i was at their wedding
and everyone in my family
especially me and my dad
LOVED irene
we all called her weenie
and she was a little cutie too
small and chubby
we always said she looked like liz taylor
but much kinder and nicer
me and my dad were always round there
at ken n irenes place
they were always up to something a little different
for example hypnosis
they had a phase of doing self hypnosis
and youd go round there
and there were people stretched out stiff between 2 chairs
with other people sitting on em
(to show how well self hyp worked)
or the time the brazilian woman
was getting em to drink all these strange herbs
for some very strange reason
irene thought i was a good kid
even when the rest of the fam
thought i was a right royal precocious pain in the botty
and she and i had a great connection
she was an amazing cook too
her yorkshire pudd was legendary
and my dad said she was the only person
who could rival my mum for good english cooking
last year ken and irene hadda relly-fest
and all but 2 of my mums 8 brothers n sisters was there
my doodles had a ball meeting up with all my cousins kids
(i gotta million cousins)
and spent most of the day in kens pool
aunty irene was so pleased to see me
beckoning me into the kitchen
allo, steven…come and look at this bread pudd
remember so n so
and then she grabbed me and said
i knew you were gonna turn out alright
and it was like i was sixteen again
when weenie n i would go out the back and smoke cigarettes
she always smoked a few regulars
then a consulate menthol
we used to have some bloody laughs
one time k and i came over for a party
and i had this little label making machine
so i made little labels with the name barry pond
and stuck them on everything
barry pond was the name of my uncles ex-rival
for irenes affections
and irene was giggling all day
as she encountered another object with barry pond stuck to it
i think actually there is still an ashtray somewhere
bearing the barry pond legend to this day
eventually
when no one thought it was gonna happen
ken and irene had my darling cousin samantha
who grew up to become a skater
who skated on ice all over europe
and rose to the top of her profession
you see irene had been a big skater too
and encourage sam as a kid
and she was a natural
i was a real little sod to my uncle ken
mainly cos he was a patient kind kinda guy
and i was a cruel orrible bloody kid
but as i grew up a little
we played squash together
and hung out a bit
and really
they were the faves of all my mums many rellies
ken and irene came and saw the church play in2002
in canberra
we had a special table for them and petes mum n dad
i was still carrying a bit of surplus weight
in those days
and weenie , never one to pull punches
says
cor steve, you an “arf put on some weight
only she could get away with that, fiendss!
anyway last year
she was relieved to see me back down
to my svelte and lovely self
it didnt suit ya she said
although id been dreading the relly fest a bit
before going
me and nk had a wonderful time
and we all wished we could have a relly fest every week
a hilarious part was when all my mums brothers
starting reminiscing about my mums pre-dad boyfriends
cmon joycie
admit it
you were a bit of a heartbreaker, werent ya?
we all had such a laugh
and i was so pleased to be a part of the bennetts
the next day i was on my hotel balcony
punching my fists in the air
yo the bennetts!!!
i finally felt accepted by them all
and i realised how wonderful being part of a big extended family was
weenie was very nervous in case her bread pudd was not up to
its reputed legendary taste from the “old days”
but it was excellent
we had the BEST bloody time
you could have in a backyard in canberra
surrounded by a buncha kids
a buncha cousins
and a buncha olde pommy uncles n aunts
my mum is always saying
you know son
i dont know why
but irene thinks the sun shines outta your whatnot
now ive lost my biggest fan in the family
aunty irene
i love you
i will miss you
and you are one more person
i look forward to meeting
when i go to the great gig in the sky
i bet shes there saying
cor steve what took you so bloody long

they say bad luck comes in 3s
but i just lost 2 of the nicest friends i ever had
so surely that must count as a 3
vale auntie weenie
it was a delight knowing you
you were a gorgeous lady
steve