posted on August 19, 2008 at 4:20 am

got the disturbing news my daughter elli is back in hospital
i feel so powerless
and although i love her so dearly
being the most like me of all my kids
and i
still being a kid myself in so many ways
we clashed a little during her time here
over a lot of the usual teen-olde guy malarkey
elli thinks im a scruffy old bohemian ratbag
she doesnt care that i wrote some song last century
i’m just a bit of a hopeless case to her
and before you protest
oh i’d love to have a dad like you
ive been absent
ive been an addict
ive been unreliable
plus the fact that i’m a moody son of a bitch
and it dont all add up to father christmas
elli is so like me
that we almost became opposites
no me being in the church means nothing to her
she’d rather i had a proper job and wore nice clothes
shes over the bricklayer look in spades
shes bloody beautiful
shes bloody intelligent
shes got everything
including this disease getting at her all the time
shes 17
her sister started their new school yesterday
ellis in hospital getting lumbar punctures and dye scans
and i dont know what to say or do
except wring my hands and feel demoralized
everything is so complicated between us
i never wanted this stand off
but its like …..
lets face it all my relationships are fraught with this….
everybody is always slightly disappointed me
i can see why too
but with elli being so very much like me
it makes it all so hard to understand
like fighting with an aspect of yerself
a cruel beautiful female seventeen year old aspect
with a swedish accent and a haughty manner
and now shes sick
and i want to wrap my arms around her
like any father would
and there is this distance
this distance….
not merely physical
an estrangement or something…
i just wanted to tell the world
how much i love that young woman…

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