isnt it nice to meet me?
here i am every day
oh you can be sure
on duty
being a renaissance man for ya
cos there is hardly any others
funded by my own dear readers contributions
and fueled by a wild combination
of legal and illegal subs
as well as yoga in my toga
chi chi gong
and schwimming
well
here i am
with spades on n in bells
independent
i write without fear or favour
i’m a bit of everything
but not too much nothing
ive got an iq like your phone number
and ive dabbled in simply everything
i’m good friends with prince philip who loves a smoke
bobo phewson n michael stripe often come body surfing with me
and our nicole usually meets me tuesdays in newtown
where we trawl through that huge second hand book shop
looking for old magicians grimoires
or dirty postcards from the twenties
nics favourite is that one with the newly weds n the elephant..
oh ha ha
ive played rugby for australia and england
and im the currant middle wait title holder for boxing day
i am a sports fisherman too
having landed the midgard sea serpent once with wrecks unt
ive got several auto biographies out
and gotta black belt in ju-chimnee
i speak all 19 major dialects of new south welsh
and i can communicate with yobs brats grommets derros n widgies
i am fully equipped to perform the marriage malarkey
or i can sign your cee dee
i studied drama at the school of hardt knox
and i majored in some important things
all my records go platinum usually i guess someone hoped
and my songs have been sung
in black silent forests
and at the bottom of turbulent seas
my words can be found in a dictionary
and my music never involves anything sadistic
some people think i’m really cruel
but i had them severely beaten
i am often to be found on telly
usually outside a blue ribbon red carpet gala(h) event
where i critique bimbos stupid clothes in a poufy voice
oh my my i’m quite a
(makes a motion like a cat scratching)
and i cant abide some anorexic little tart in last years tat
at the moment i’m just loving those little faux maternity dresses
that make everyone in them look like a complete imbecile
especially combined with really high heels
that make you walk like a baby giraffe with a knee injury
and beaucoups de makeup n botox for the” frightening” look
for men
i recommend paisley shirts
very very tight black jeans
cuban heeled black swayed beetle boots
and a mulletty do with big fringe and earrings
this looks especially great on a 45 year old geezer
who likes his beer n steaky, thinning on top and never exercises
and should be worn at all times
especially scorching hot days in queensland or arizona
and to job interviews and when you go over
to weed your wifes mothers garden on a sunday morning
lots of kohl round those rheumy eyes now
and say things like
“wheres the glamour?” to passing strangers
for the older gent
feeling too restricted in this mode
please try
shorts and a tradesmens shirt with iron on patches
for example ive got one that says
mephistopheles as my name tag
and stuff like that
you wont score high in the fashion steaks
but you’ll be surprised how often you get asked to have a look
at someones guttering
i also recommend cravats with footy jerseys
gaiters and sporins with speedos
and guys
try to look smart please
ladies love a man in a law suit or warders uniform
artists….wash all the puce dollops off yer smock
and footy players no green stains round the knees please
butchers…that blood under yer fingynails is a bit of a turnoff
and yes
dont we all love the smell of “olde money “
now available in avarice lime
ow i just banged my bloody bad knee and it hurt!
i have no credit card or mobile phone
because im telepathic anyway
and my readers swamp me in money
because they know a good thing
and they aint seen it here…oh ha hardy ha ha
no seriously folks
it has been proven in univensity testings
that the greater level of luxury sustained by a time being
the better and more nutritious the blog
try it yourself and see
donate today and watch tomorrows blog soar into the stratocastersphere
for each hundred bucks i’ll match yer with a really good word
words like
filament
and more
so cherish me
nurture me
water me with your kind donations
like a fiendish hydroponic monstrosity
getting squirted with gro-fast
like a kraken awakin’ and eating up yer virgins
or a galactus sucking up planets
your humble brilliant genius needs to feed and feed and feed
my brood of monsters devours music and poetry and art
i stumble to the sea in shabby swimmers and seagulls snigger
cmon
i dont think gene simmons is writing this calibre blog
i dont think fred dursts blog is quite so familiar with the woofle
i dont think bobo or the hedge are really very funny guys
i dont think robbie williams can spell anathema
and i dont think mal turnbull will admit it
when he’s trying to give up smokin’ dope
lets face facts
youre addicted to ttb
its a sweet fix my cats
but it dont come fer nothin’ anymore
ignore this if you already fucking subbed up
or you like me are feeling the pinchers
cough up you silent rich euro swine
or you yankees who wisely switched yer dollars for rupees
pay up you chinese nouveau rich
i’ll accept yens kopecs sesterci, clams, roubles,lire,
or any coin with king dick the lionheart on it
pay me via payboy
or send me a hunk o fucking gold
anyway
yeah
uh huh
aw…….