hot and overcast

the air weighs a million tons and its all on my shoulders

the traffic is snarled

the jets overhead roar terribly

the pool twitches in the quickening air

ants and mosquitoes attack

the tiny white scars on my back glow translucent

at 3 am i sat on my balcony unclothed hidden in darkness

there was no sound but the pink glow of half a moon

a cockroach scuttles across the kitchen floor

i look listlessly at the screen in front of me

how did i ever live without it?

see whos waking up

see whos breaking up

see whos making up

i drink rice milk n eat some toast

think about yesterday

learning songs

driving around

doing a photoshoot

doing interviews

it all seems so distant now

it all just seems so impermanent

my head is full of female voices talking to me

some are coming on to me

some are imploring me

some are condemning me

some are neutral as if they were just sad

children chime in

daughters out there i turn to their thoughts

do this

dont do that

i am angry with everyone

everyones angry with me

nice breeze ruffles my freckly back

the darkness is so small and empty

so hungry that it feels sick

the fridge is making a struggling sound

clock tick but never tock

i pace around

i plot up schemes for  hours on end but they evaporate pitifully

i sit in the sun room watching the green leaves against the black sky

i make up lists of men and women

i suddenly remember details i forgot to follow up

i look at all my paints lying in the next room

all that potential unrealised

something about the night has gone wrong

aftershocks of pleasure have faded into past

we hoped we thought it never would end

my friend is becalmed

sleep has been merciful and flown down from its lovely warm place

not for me tho not that i care

i walk around the kitchen searching for something to prolong the night

morning is coming and it will find me wanting

lay down on a bed

my ears ring ring in the silence but i dont listen anymore

behind my closed eyelids vivid colours flash

i think of every thing ive done

and all thats still left to do

it never ends

then one day

it just does