saturday
not my best ever day i never had
all day long the thought of being on tee vee
how would i look
podgy
old
wrinkly
stupid
freckly
ignorant
irrelevant
or tick all of the above
anyway
it was rainy
i was trying to get off pot
the kids were a screamin’ n a fightin’
the woofle la stupenda
screaming and bellowing at the top of her not inconsiderable lungs
the doodles annoying her
withholding stuff (look at that a double “h”)
i got angrier n angrier
finally nk mercifully takes em out
i feel guilty that i couldnt handle their onslaught today
alone i succumb and smoke a few tokes on a very small joynt
i’m sorry that i let ya down
but i had no hope of going cold turkey
but i finished the day only smoking a quarter of usual
which is progress….right
dont give up on me yet
i’ll get it done
the wheels are in (slo)motion
after ‘aving smoked it
i finished off a commissioned portrait of dawn
i hope they like it
i worked n worked
it doesnt look exactly like dawn n co
but its kinda groovy
but depends if they wanted authenticity or grooviness
or something in between probably
anyhow anyway
i finished it
and stuck it on my wall till i send it
the doodles n woofle n nk come home
aurora has an abscess on a back tooth
so we go up to see the quack
i’m dreading a long satday avo queue
but we get in quick
she gets some anti-biotics
but shes gotta see the dentist next week
bondi junction n bondi are pretty empty for a saturday
nk makes reddi-burgers for dinner
mmm nice vegan patty with avo n letters n tomato n bread roll
la woofle eats like a pig
and we keep clashing over her (complete lack of) manners
aunty lou would have kittens if she saw’ er in action
licking avocado of a piece of limp toast
la scarlet woofle is defiant
a true joker in the pack
a real oscar wilde card
with her beethoven hair and show pan and bark
la woofle …what a little malarker
she keeps lickin’
i keep yellin’
the others keep sighin’
i cant keep my eyes of woofles silly face
covered in mashed up avo
oooh its disgustin’
i send her off from the table
but she goes a little way off
stark naked she is too
and starts striking vaguely obscene poses
and sobbing in the most maudlin melodramatic way
you little rascal
shes such a rapscallion
i just want some bloody PEACE
the doodles then demand a quiz
which we often have at dinner
the loser is deemed “dummy of the universe”
and the doodles answer questions as diverse as
whats the capital of wales
or who played drums in the beatles
or who was the greek god of avocado
etc
due to a general breakdown of quiz
and me declaring both doodles n woofle all dummies
the doodles begin their floorshow
in which they dance around n mime
to songs from the eighties which seemed to have started life
as some of nks guilty pleasures
but now without a trace of irony
the doodles hoof around to
“putting on the ritz” (a dreadful electro version)
and “somebodies watching me”
eve is all teeth n flounce n wobble
aurora is like the straight man
but they have some nifty routines worked out
tho i symp for the people downstairs
la woofle clumps about like a fantasia hippo
wow i got it all going on here
the doodles threaten me with “safety dance”
nope…thats enuff for one night
we go in n watch an episode of the mighty boosh
which along
worst week of my life
n the office
n darkside
is one of our favourite shows here chez kill-bee
this episode “the crimp” is hill-arious
eventually the kev carmody spesh comes on
have any of ya ever been on telly
have ya?
its a nerves generating thing
i feel all butterflies like before a giggo
we’re all sitting there waiting for me to come on
oh no
woofle has hit cloudland n now stretched out racking up “z”s
aurora the human bunny is looking mighty comfy
wake me up when it gets to your bit ,dad
and shes asleep before we even see kev carmody
WARNING: THIS PROGRAM CONTAINS OCCASIONAL OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE
oh dear i hope that isnt you …my family all laugh
cos my mums watching
she was real proud of me on rockwiz
can i repeat the trick again
mum dont like
swearing especially
“why swear when you have a good vocabulary” says joycie
(but when i was lost for words describing a certain recent audience to her
joycie volunteers the word i was searching for
mum, they were such, such, such….
“wankers ?” she asks)
but look me mums just come out of hossy
and i dont wanna put any strain on her
(at least for a while)
so i hope i dont say nothing controversial
the concert unravels
ooh some camera angles making some people look dodgy
ooh i hope they dont see my acne scars or my fleshy ear lobes
heres paul kelly looking like the official on a bowling green
missy higgy doing her one foot up n down jive
( i have to admit our missy does have presence tho)
kev himself…wow what a geezer…the real deal
then the drones
holy hell
white hot maniac intensity
what an extraordinary performance
blah blah blah
finally
its kilbey
theyre interviewing him
he says
something like
“the english went round the world and FUCKED it up”
oh no
i’m slagging off the pommies and swearing
i do my show
i’m pretty animated
i got my hands swirling around
as i sneer out kevs brilliant images of london
“nursing corgis that keep crapping in yer lap”
i sing
(how pithy)
and i hold my head in my hands in horror
i look kinda old but kinda cool if i do say so myself
and i do
i dont look too bad
i sing pretty good
and im suitably whatever
im pretty pleased with myself
nk’s giving me that special look of love
last seen after painkiller gig
n before that the triffids
eve kilbey
who has miraculously stayed awake
has the last word
“its ok dad…you didnt swear that much!”

ps
pic of church today in sunday telegraph
look at me with that dopey expression n cocktale