posted on January 20, 2016 at 4:01 pm
chance to die and turn to mould

chance to die and turn to mould

i gotta letter from a very nice man

his sister in law was dying

she was a massive church fan along with her sister

was there any chance i could maybe visit her?

well i asked my dad who lives on in my heart and i come to him with moral dilemmas

immediately he says go there slim…right now!

i get my 12 string guild and i jump on the train

to me there is no question of saying no to this gig

it is quite clearly the right thing to do

tricky though because you dont wanna feel too proud of yerself either

sit down and shut up kilbeys ego!

this is not about you

after an hour on yon train

i am met at the station by brother in law and husband of ill lady

they are lovely guys altho the husband is sad and i immediately start to feel sad too

i soak up peoples emotions nowadays and i have no shield

we go up to the room

Shes in there with her sister and her two early teenage sons

all of them are incredibly nice and incredibly sad too

Jenine is sitting there in bed dosed up on morphine

she had had some hope but a few days before those hopes were dashed

the cancer was in other organs

it was a matter of days now before she would succumb

Jenine was warm friendly shy brave and considering the circumstances quite cute

she was only 49

my dad takes over and i manage to say a few jokey things and we all laugh

all my arguments dilemmas and problems are forgotten

Jenines grace under pressure is inspirational

i sing her a few songs which i forget the words for

this is my toughest and most important gig

somehow my ramshackle singing n playing bring a warmth

if i had been perfect it would have been inappropriate

we talk we laugh a bit and i left

Jenine and i tell each other “i love you”

and i had never meant it as much as then

i said maybe i’ll see you soon

and at that we both teared up a little

then i got dropped off at russell kilbeys place

and he and i and sis in law amy and nephew logan

had a  bushwalk and a swim in secret spot only russell used to know about

(it recently featured in a magazine much to his chagrin)

Jenine and i stayed in touch on the phone from there on in

we texted a few times every day

i thought about her an awful lot

i went on holiday with the fambley after that

a very kind man who does not want to be named lent us his holiday flat

i woke up from a nap on the second day

Natalie is sitting there crying

Bowie is dead she said

my phone had at least 25 messages confirming this

i cannot begin to tell you how that made me feel

i havent come to grips with that yet

bowie was the nazz with god given ass…after all

he made half a dozen of the best records ever at least if not more

he made some mediocre records too

and he made some records i could respect but i could not, for the life of me, like

i never met him or even came close to him

i saw him once in 1988 glass spider tour in LA

i was totally underwhelmed believe it or not

i was totally underwhelmed by T Rex as well… so what?

Bolan and Bowie and Beatles…thats pretty much 95% of kilbey right there

then comes outpouring of grief

a lot of revisionism here

main stream rags hailing him who would have been disgusted by ziggy in 1972

stupid tributes from irrelevant idiots who knew very fucking little about him

one silly woman spends a whole page saying how she bumped into him

and secured and interview and its all about HER

eventually she says something like

oh yeah we talked about his music his bisexuality and his fans…

and thats it?

well what the fuck did Bowie say about all of that?

we will never know


Some newspapers asked me my opinion but it was too late i was offline

i missed my chance to chime in

i watched the video for lazarus and i found it to be morbid and nihilistic

once again i admire it to the nth degree but wish i had not watched it

soon people began to write to me demanding i comment on it

others implored me not to die and to be careful

after the short but relaxing holiday

i returned to sydney

Jenine was still around but now she was at a hospice

i was thinking of getting my arse on the train

when brother in law texted

going to visit Jenine do ya wanna come?

go to hospice

in one week Jenines health has deteriorated noticeably

shes on oxygen and the morphine is flowing

i am in pain and so tired steve…she had texted me

still she sat up a little

she was starting to get a bit drifty like she would close her eyes and she’d be off

still she brightened up a little and i delved into the les kilbey joke book

oh youre so tanned from your holiday..! she says

nah thats just dirt because i never shower… i say

etc etc

we talk

we hold her hands a little

her husband is there watching his beloved wife slip away

i hope my husband isnt jealous says Jenine and we all laugh

shes done some drawings of her sons she wants to show me

a friend who was her bridesmaid and childhood friend says goodbye

it is the most heartrending thing to see them say goodbye forever

after about 40 minutes Jenine asks to have a sleep

i love you she says

i love you i say

again this is the truth

and that was it

today they texted me she went last night at 11

thank you for doing that they said again

no no no this was a beautiful thing

Jenine has inspired me

She will stay with me

but really Jenine gave much more than she took

she was courageous and as cheerful as its humanly possible to be

at least when i was there…

she had a sense of humour

she was cool

my suspicions that this life really is just a fucking dream are more justified than ever

death remains a mystery

we all must die and that day will come when it wants to  not when you decide

now with the all other rockers all suddenly dying

more people asking me to do em a favour and not die

man i aint intending on it

i gotta lotta good music in the pipeline

and i got 5 fine daughters who are all the nicest people you could think of

i got a bunch of good friends and i dont hate myself so much any more

i got a few squeaks and scratches still to be sorted and my teeth my hearing n my eyesight are not good

im trying to hang in there

but i tell ya this

when i do go i hope i can do it with as much bravery as Jenine

i said to her you better be waiting there for me when i get there

she said

I will!







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