we have truly entered another universe
tonight a galaxy of our biggest stars
will congregate
for the music awards :
the influx
the jiggy bay-o-nets
the zigger jackets
all of em up for a fucking gold doo dah
yeah the gold doo dah
the big one
every rocker in our multiverse coveted it
and they only dished em out
when both moons were blue
i rock up to the awards in mercury towers
just off merlin street
yeah yeah heres my i.d.
and heres my chicks i.d.
yeah yeah naturally
im hoping that my group
the elliot crane connection will pick up some trophy
but you never know
deep down in my heart
i knew everyone there wanted the gold doo dah
i wanted it more than life itself…or even fame
enter the crowded room
theres pete dixon-radbury-wilkins-service
theres gonad
theres the girls from horizontal bombo
oh look theres billy frenum n his wife
jim crackburn deep in conversation with his manager bob dickles
i see stewart mc finks ex huddled in a corner with minx maguire
the boys from cockle tears acting all snooty
veteran songwriter john thomas hardon mingles with the street pixels
big fat greaseball mick limbo squeaks away to no one in particular
over the hill producer tom “snorter” farquar chats up beryl me-deep
etc etc
you get the picture
i see andy lee hanging by the bar and his gothic bit of fluff
yeah i kinda know him
he opened for us
we opened for him
now hes got the dudes of neptune
theve fucken cracked the american charts with the latest thing
jamming for damo…
yeah dont ask me who damo is
i dont know either
lee is standing there having a shandy or 2
the geezers stoned outta his tree on hash or something
he shakes his mop of white curls around like
some crazed watusi in negative
i stand next to him at the crowded bar
allo he says
yeah yeah andy….uh huh…hows it going
yeah good man we’re off to new york sat’dy
yeah…where you playing?
at the lamb theatre he said….2 nights already sold out….
my stomach dropped
i dreamed about being able to play the lamb theatre
oh wow…i said….
yeah man.. he said…i could get you in if you like….
(i dont wanna fuckin’ get in….i thought)
oh thatd be nice andy….i muttered
i drifted off to my date
that bastard andy lee n the dudes of neptune are doing the lamb!
is that good? my date asked
NO! THAT IS NOT GOOD! i yelled
attracting loads of curious n angry stares
sir denny hogwrath the chairman of the doo dahs shook his head
dinner was a lovely vegan tortine but still i couldnt forget those dudes
i ask around all the tables
have you heard this jamming for damo ?i ask
yeah its great says nick sable the singer for the true bar doors
my brother gave it to me says gary congo the bongo player…
…its good
maria von shadow digs it too
and goes on about the fourth track with its strings and doomy bass
but whats it like? i ask them all
i dunno they say…like jamming
like jamming for damo quips anita room
everyone laughs
i feel a real case of envy coming on
of course at midnight
they read the winner
who’ll get the golden doo dah..?
of course by now i fancy my chances a bit more
the competition are all pissed
and none are a pretty sight
course i’m sloshed myself but i bet i still look good
i’m sure i do
tho my date wandered off with quentin crumble for a line
and she aint come back since
they read out all the preamble
bullshit bullshit rhubarb rhubarb
i lose focus
i’m just imagining me n my boys at the lamb when
i hear
the winner
is
(in the time it took to announce the name
i imagined me and i imagined accepting the award
i imagined my acceptance speech and the look on my
mum n dads faces when they heard i’d won a gold doo dah)
THE DUDES OF NEPTUNE >>>JAMMING FOR DAMO!!!!
the place erupted
my stomach sagged
my blood turned to ice
my heart beat like the clappers
i saw red
fuck this!
i stormed out
angry bitter bent on revenge
out the corner of my eye i saw lee up there
getting his award from terri nova
and shes…oh no..kissing him
telling him how she loves jfd as everyone now calls it
well who’d a thunk it?
so fuck it
i go down this dark street
theres a shop i know sells skulls n powder
i see madame chew
whats your problem boy she asks in the semi darkness
i need to get rid of something so it never existed i said
that is impossible because as our greatest scientist albrecht einhof said
matter cannot be created nor destroyed…
fuck …i said all dejected
but it can be sent elsewhere she said
really ?i said
yes….
sent to a parallel world
a brutal philistine universe
where none may ever hear of it again
can you send it to… ? i ventured, not daring to say the name
yes! she cackled
i will send this jamming for damo
to earth!
she said her incantation thing
we both giggled
to earth….
now lets see what they make of it!