… the bullets hit me in the heart
it is a shocking pain
i am thrown backwards
my eyesight grows dim almost immediately
confused thoughts n memories rush into my head
in truth
i have often longed for death
not the pain n fear
but the cancellation
the nulling n voiding
the wiping clean of the slate
the great zeroising
the rest n reset
the big sleep
i want to merge into blackness
have no more cares n concerns
this whole damn world hanging round my neck
i have wanted off so many times
sometimes i have seen death
like the extinguishment of a flame
one simply ceases to be
blown out
gone daddy gone
now your life is gone
no more bills arguments noise cruelty pain humiliation
no more responsibilities
no more expectations
no more nothing really
but in your real real heart
you know
you know
it aint gonna be like that
you may obtain a little rest
you may get a little respite
hell
everyone deserves that
even whoever the “you” i am addressing here..
whoever the “i” is or am…
the bullets have done their gig well
and i’m dying
look
i’m frightened
i’m struggling
i’m bleeding like a dog
then
then
then
what is it?
ssshhh!
i’m trying to put this into words…
ok….
i leave this all behind
the execution
the men
the small dirty yard where i was shot
the city where i was held
suddenly what does it matter…..?
why should i care about anything
and then i rest
i rest out there
in here
deep in here
far out there
far out in out
deep rest
while i rest
i am aware
who is i?
i is the awareness remaining
i is the finger who types
i is the you i share with you
the me in me
that makes me want to reach the you in you
i is the eternal
blissful sleep
sacred slumber
i wash the years from my face
i wash that kilbey right out of my hair
no ones son or father
no man nor woman
no ghost or angel
i simply am
i am iam iam i am
my doing is all done
now i am
am what ? says a voice from another room
i am i am …i reply to myself
i am the thought
this is delicious
this feeling of “i” ness
detached unlocated anywhere
no more agendas
no more trips
no more sleight of hand
no more ambition
endless peace
no
not endless
says another voice
from another room
agitation begins subtly
your calm begins to fracture
why was it ever thus?
you
(now its you not i, thank god)
you
yes you
yes YOU
who do you think i was talking to?
YOU YOU YOU YOU N YOU
all of you
all of those yous
you wanna have another go
you wanna have another shot
you said
hang on a minute
maybe i will give life another try
but the struggle the pain the fear i say
no no no
you say
i will give life another try
maybe it…
maybe it wasnt so bad after all
maybe it was ……
JESUS now!
why did you wanna do that?