dreampt about grant all night
he was always just off in the distance
i could see him but i couldnt reach him
we were managed by the same guy
(in the dream)
he was saying grants got this bad cold
and youre getting it too
i could see grant from my window…

grant n go betweens coming on shuffle
disproportionately
the other day i was thinking bout grant
and right here came on
followed by antenna
followed by about 5 other songs
i cant remember now
but each one arguably significant
sometimes when im alone
i see something moving out the corner of my eye
grant, if youre out there……
here i am
ready to talk
or is it just co incidence on coincidence
about 2 weeks after my father died
i was sitting there crying
when i got this warm peaceful feeling
and my dads voice said in my brain
its gonna be alright son
and i really felt his presence
course in all my “supernatural” dealings
i take wishful thinking into account
im never sure
if only it was
that we might meet with them on the other side
as they were in life
naive…?
i been the most cynical man you can meet
i been the most wide eyed fool
i been everywhere between
we’ll never know until its all over
maybe a short spell in some heaven or hell
maybe nothing
so nothing you wont even know its nothing
just like before we were born
a rather pleasant oblivion
i guess my ego dont wanna lay down its flag
fuck, its only doing its job
you might as well blame yer tongue for talking
killer rambles on in the misty morning light
i have found that….
that things seem to have a reason
sometimes a hidden reason
that may take a long time to unravel
maybe things work on greater time scales than human lifetimes
i know one thing
ive trodden these boards before
whatever skills i possess
i have weilded before n before
and that sweet chi gong
and that exhilarating yoga
and that ocean mother
they say remember killer remember
they layy whole memories on me complete
they say yes you are you
but once you were him n her
(actually should read once you were he n she)
killer youre so close
but close dont win the cigar
close but no sugar lamp read a bad review in 1983
vegetarian n vegan food
do you wanna run your machine on that old dirty fuel?
you see the proofs in the pudding
isnt it?
i have young men come up to me
all the time
and say
‘i can see your olde but you still look …ok
and uh..it gives me uh…hope
that when im youre age…
(though they dont believe they ever will be)
that im ah…well you know..’
at which point im saying
there there my boy
old age aint to be feared if you take the right steps..
“yeah” says young man
i say
dont smoke
dont drink (killa hypocrite)
dont eat meat
exercise
take up some esoteric eastern science/art
eg yoga meditation xi gong karate tantra devotion
whatever i dunno
and do it every day
and by this time theyve gone “sure…ok…”
but ….
you gotta have self discipline
oh and i do
to do things
not to resist things
but to do things
and i do n i do n i do
i gotta be active
and something else
yessaday i have a visit from perry
of pam n perry esq. purveyors of fine herbs
and perry sitting there
in the luxuriating global warming sunshine
of my kitchen
which youve now all seen
and perry says thru the aromatic smoke n motes of light
you see steve we’re both virgos
its a womans sign
we are men with a womans sign
my oh my
it never occurred to me before
this slightly feminine (i imagine) perspective
coupled with a mans ability to obsess
the obssession it needs to succeed
on any level
less yer lucky
and im kinda lucky but not real lucky
and i hang around with these females in my family
and i reckon i do better than most
i am the antithesis of the distant unavailable father
i like girls n i always have
but its hard to unscramble this from obviuos bio-mechanisms
ultra males n alpha males n brutes leave me fucking cold
so predictable with their stuff
n their trophy wives
call their wives “honey”
cant remember their names
enough of this bile
so im a virgo you see
a man with a womans sign
maybe the horoscope is all just phoney baloney
so
i says to perry
whos sitting there so confident in astrology
so i say
hoping to shed a little empirical scientific light
on the subject
are you saying that
when someone is born
all the planets in the sky
by gravity or cosmic rays or magnetism
or some other force or combination
affects our very flesh bone and attitudes with its subtle emanations
causing actual predilections and physical manifestations to occur
and perry smiles and says
exactly
and ive just explained it to myself
im a man with a womans sign
huh
go figger